Sunday, October 16, 2011

Sunday Morning Questions: Find-a-Friend Edition

Indulge me, if you will, while I partake in a minor rant here for a couple of minutes. Top men--both of you--you guys can either skip ahead, or you can stick around to add a hell yeah! if you're feeling it. But bottom guys, listen up. This one's for you.

There's one thing a bottom guy can do, either in person or online, during the sizing-up period in which men eye each other, ask about their interests, and generally determine if they're compatible. I used to ignore it in my younger years when first I'd hear it from bottom after bottom. I was less jaded, then. These days, though, it causes me to slam down a metal door, to terminate the conversation altogether, abruptly to throw on the brakes and start looking elsewhere.

I've mentioned it before on these pages, but since I spent the latter half the week getting bombarded by it again and again, it's probably worth repeating. If you're a bottom whom I've never been with before —an important distinctions to keep in mind—and you want to avoid turning me off, the one phrase you need to keep away from is a variation of you and your friends.

As in, I'll do anything you want for you and your friends.

Or, You can tie me up and you and your buddies can fuck me all night long.

Or, I bet you have a lot of friends who want to use an ass like mine.

I know you, the bottom who's trying to impress me, merely want to communicate to me what a hungry hole you have. That's all well and good. I enjoy bottoms with deep-rooted desires.

What a top hears when you start talking about his buddies, though, is that you're not terribly attracted to him. Just to what he can do for you. Nobody likes that.

What we hear is that you basically regard us as the guy who pays for a hotel room, sends out a dozen emails or makes a dozen phone calls, and does all the scheduling work for your gangbang, even before we've bet you. We hear that our dick isn't enough for you, and that you're only interested in it if we can round up these so-called friends of ours.

What the more experienced among us hear as well is that you're not really terribly serious about hooking up and fucking. You're envisioning some fantasy world in which there's an abundance of tops and we all sit around in the afternoons at the Top Club, shirtless in a sauna, wearing nothing but camo pants and boots while we smoke cigars, swapping shit about the hot bottoms we know and then going out roaming for one, like a pack of hungry wolves. It's a nice fantasy maybe, but it's not really true. Every top's little black book is filled with bottoms. Not other tops.

Sure, we know other tops. A few, anyway. Some of us have organized groups. But you know for whom we've done that? The bottoms who've met us one-on-one and who've proved they're worth all the work. If you're a bottom who's met me, and we've fucked and enjoyed each other, I have absolutely no problems with you asking if I have other friends who join in. (My answer in this new section of the country is likely to be no right now, by the way, since my network is vanishingly small at the moment. But in the past? Sure, I would've invited another top or two to join, if we'd clicked.)

If I don't know you, though? Trot out that phrase about me and my friends and watch any interest I might have vanish, in the snap of a finger. And I know for a fact I'm not the only top guy who feels the same way.

I know it sounds kind of harsh, but it's one of those things can be avoided pretty easily if you:

1) Meet the guys you chat up, and
2) Save the talk about a gang-bang until you know the guy better.

Easy enough, isn't it?

Let's get to some questions from

Who is your all time favorite band?

ABBA. Shut up.

What is your favorite brand or sneakers (trainers)?

I'm a Converse Chuck Taylors kind of guy.

Say you got a 10,000 dollar grant (which *sigh* given the new cuts we can kiss goodbye, but hypotheticals!), and you had the opportunity to suddenly go global which: 1) country would you like to live 5 months in, any particular city? 2) which language wou

Global domination? I love it. I would actually very much like to live in London for that length of time. If I had to learn a second language, I'd go with French, so I could have an excuse to go through the Chunnel.
Mostly I just wanted to use the word 'Chunnel' in a sentence, there.

What do you miss most about Detroit (say, top three or so)?

The easy answer would be friends and fuckbuddies, my old home, and especially special people like Spencer. However, I'm going to go with some non-sentimental answers, here:

1. I miss the really late sunsets we used to get in Michigan in the summer, when it would still be twilight at 10:30 at night.

2. I really miss having a Pei Wei in the area.

3. I especially miss the Michigan U-turn, or the Michigan left, when I'm driving:

Are you a Broadway fan? Have you been taking advantage of your new proximity to Manhattan?

I do like theater, on Broadway and off. I've only had a chance to see two shows since I landed here, though.

Do you ever worry about someone outing you?

No, I really don't. I'm not ashamed of my sexuality.

I've been reading your work for quite some time and really enjoy it. I was wondering if you have ever posted about the methods of cruising? I've grown up with the Internet and that's been my only method of meeting guys. I would love to learn the old way.

Under the Cruising 101 tag I've posted several cruising-tips posts. I still intend to get around to some others, specifically for toilet and park cruising.

Do you bite your nails?

Throughout my life, one can generally judge my general state of happiness by the condition of my nails. At the moment they're in very good shape.

Have you ever received a surprise party? Were you truly surprised (or did you pretend?)

I received one for a big birthday--one of the ages that ended in a zero. I was totally surprised when I got lured to a friend's home on a stupid pretext, and I was extremely unhappy when it turned out to be a surprise party.

The unhappiness was because I was grumpy about having to come over on a Saturday night allegedly to help someone with her home network--which would have been a freakin' nightmare, knowing the chaos she causes with her computer--and because I showed up in slobby clothes suitable for crawling around under desks and in crawl spaces, while everyone else was dressed for the occasion.


Is there a book that you dreaded reading but once you started it you actually really got into it and really enjoyed it?

Charles Dickens' Bleak House came with such a miserable reputation that I dreaded reading it in grad school. But it was so good that it's still one of my all-time favorite books today.

Re: your post: I've Never Been Touched . . . Down There" (one of my favorites, by the way), I'm curious now if you've ever had this played on you as an adult? If you've ever had a guy claim he was a virgin but you suspected he wasn't??

I suspect so. I've had several young guys who've told me they're virgins who, when I start to open them up, seem to betray that they've had an awful lot of experience.

In some cases this can be explained (and some have, in advance) by the fact that they've shoved toys, fingers, and whatever dildo-shaped objects that happen to be close at hand up their holes, to prepare themselves. Other times, they just seem to think I'll enjoy popping a cherry, even if it's just fantasy. So I play along.

More often I find guys lying in the opposite way--they'll pretend to be more experienced than they actually are, so that I won't say no because they're novices to fucking. They assume that because they've watched enough porn, they can bluff their way through it. That's usually not the case, and I've many times found out that the guy who's sold himself as a slut, or at least as experienced, is a first-timer.


  1. Oh, if I had a dollar for every time I've been asked to bring "all my friends" to some first time bottom, it would pay for my hotel at Mid-Atlantic Leather. Since I DO actually throw those groups for my favorite men, I can't seem to convince guys they need to take me on first to see if they qualify. And then just try to get tops together! Treasure Island has a lot to answer for--Dawson has changed the fantasy for far too many men.

  2. When I woke up this morning, I thought to myself, "I'll bet I don't hear the word Chunnel today."

    And while reading isn't quite a good as hearing it, it still made me smile. Thanks. Chunnel. hahaha.

  3. Oh I like Abba and Convers too.

    Did you actually turn someone away only because he was too inexperienced?

  4. Rob,
    That was just a great post that you did here. I agree with you all the way when you said all these things. It is nice to know the bottom really good first before asking others to come by, well it always depends of the friends that you brings and not to much of them. When i bottom, i want to be with only one top, two at most but not more than that. I love to concentrate on the man that i am with and not all the others around me. I am very sensual so i am not into multiple men at the same time.
    Thank you for the post my friend. You are not the only one who likes ABBA, i love them also.


  5. Mr Steed: Those experienced slut impostors really make it tough for those of us who've put in our dues and claim exceptional slut qualities by virtue of training, practice, and dedication.

    @FP_ I likewise remember the day - back in the era of VHS tape - that a three-way was about the extent of group sex. Even large groups were primarily in couples and triples, for all they occupied more or less the same space. True gangbang scenes were rare. These days they are big sellers - I enjoy looking at them too. The gang bang seems to be the touchstone fantasy of a significant percentage of bottoms. A review of BBRT profiles of men identifying as Vers Bottom or Bottom will support this hypothesis, I believe.

    Breederman, ch'er Yves, countess: I hope I don't lose all credibility with y'all if I confess that ABBA music makes me want to flee the room.

  6. I will throw my hat into the "don't ask about my friends" ring. For a few reasons. One major one, however, is that I'm sick of explaining to bottoms online that A) There aren't a lot of tops in the area that I know of, and B) that when I say "new to the area" I mean "I don't know anyone." I know that some bottoms seem to have never-ending holes, but honestly, I can go four or more times with the right guy. I can probably take care of him by my self.

    And if it helps any: We aren't that far apart, so if you do find a bottom worth sharing, let me know and I'll do what I can to get there.


  7. FelchingPisser,

    I agree with you that the porn of the last ten to twenty years has made the gangbang fantasy more prevalent. Unfortunately, its easy availability gives a lot of novice bottoms the impression that gangbangs are easy to arrange and are way more common than they actually are.

  8. Jack,

    I'm so glad to have brought a little Chunnel into your life.

  9. Countesszero,

    If I'm convinced a guy is trying to bite off more than he can comfortably chew, to employ a metaphor, I will turn him down, absolutely.

  10. Yves,

    Thanks for not scorning my secret childhood love of Swedish pop groups.

  11. Ace,

    I was surprised when guys would look at one of my online profiles this summer, all of which clearly read 'new to the area,' and immediately ask about my buddies. Like I move into a new area with a bunch of tops acting as the Welcome Wagon?

  12. You mean you didn't pack up all your top buddies with you clothes and move on out to the East Coast? Strange. That's what I did. Ok, enough sarcasm. Seriously, I think some bottoms barely read the profiles. Instead they just jump at whatever cock is long enough.


  13. I could not agree more. I HATE it when a bottom asks me to "come next time and bring your buddies." Talk about feeling like a piece of meat. It is particularly ridiculous, when they are a totally lame bottom -- meaning they make little effort except to offer their hole. Right on Breeder!

  14. Loki,

    I don't mind it at all if I've actually met the guy. He's free to ask me just about anything at that point. It's the ones who haven't even hooked up with me yet and still want me to arrange a party that I question.