Sunday, January 8, 2012

Sunday Morning Questions: Happy 2012 Edition

Happy new year, readers!

Yes, I know we're an entire week into it already, and that my greeting perhaps would've been better served up fresh last Sunday, but better late than never is my perpetual motto.

I appreciate the patience and good wishes you guys displayed during my holiday hiatus. The holiday week for me is always a mixture of extreme busyness alternated with long, long periods of sitting around doing nothing, and being able to do nothing about it. With family visiting, it's necessary to keep everyone occupied and happy. I just don't get as much opportunity for private time as I'm accustomed, the rest of the year.

It's one of the reasons I'm grateful, with the start of each new calendar year. I get to go back to my old routine.

So again, thank you to my readers for waiting patiently for my return. A lot of you sent me email over the holiday, and I loved getting it! I'm way, way behind in reply to the sheer volume of it, though. I'm going to try to get to it all this week, so that my pending replies folder doesn't reach the gargantuan proportions it did in the months after my move, last summer. So if you haven't received a reply yet, hang on tight. I'm getting to you.

Rather than answer questions from formspring.me this week (though please, if you have questions you'd like to ask anonymous, use the service to do so and you'll see the replies either on the site, or here when I collect them into a Sunday edition), I'd like to address the questions a reader asked me directly, in a comment to one of this week's entries.

Hi Breeder,


I've been reading your blog for a while. It's fantastic! Keep up the great work.


I have so many questions I want to ask. I apologize in advance if some of my questions are already answered here in some of your stories, but I haven't had enough time to read all of them.


Here they go:


I'ver read how you fuck tops. If a top that gets fucked is still a top, and a bottom that fucks, is still a bottom.... and considering you started your sexual life as a big time bottom...how do you define a top and a bottom? and please don't give me the smart-ass answer that for you everybody is a bottom, so your definition is that you're a top and the rest of the world are bottoms :)


A lot of the stories, most of them, involve sex with submissive, low self esteem, want-to-be-controlled bottoms. I understand that's part of the thrill of a certain type of sex. Would you be able to have sex with a partner that was your equal? or the lack of sense of power and entitlement would make it harder for you?


How have you managed to stay DDF and clean during 35 years of "risky" sex? It is a honest question, not a judgment call. I truly want to know the trick. I want to use it!


You are an artist. What kind? Can your art be seen, listened to, read (apart from here), tasted, worn, lived in, all of the above? Where can we experience it?


It seems (and I emphasize it SEEMS), like you spend a lot of time thinking of, setting up and having sex with people other than your wife. You are an artist too. Where do you find time to do all this? Another honest question... also want to know how to use the trick


Guess these are enough questions for now.... until next with more


Love your blog!
Well, reader. Thanks for writing in. I could point out that some of my other readers have time for all my stories, if that puts a little bit of a competitive edge in you, for the future.

Let's take your questions one by one.

1. How do we define top and bottom? It's an interesting question, actually. Sexuality is very fluid for most guys throughout life. There are some men who stumble upon a preferred sexual role very early in their sexual careers—and they stick to it, come hell or high water.

For a lot of us, it's not so predictable. I started as a bottom when I was very young because of a general understanding that it was what boys like me were supposed to do for older men. I wasn't aware that topping was really much of an option for me until my twenties, when I was persuaded to give it a try.

My experience tells me that many guys learn one or two sexual behaviors and are frightened to try more. They might be good at handjobs and blowjobs, but fear of disease prevents them from attempting anal. Or they might be great bottoms and have fears about getting it up and keeping it up as a top, so they never try it. Even I'm guilty of this kind of behavior to a degree. It's been so long for me that I fret about being a lousy bottom, so on those rare occasions the opportunity comes up, I psych myself out of it.

But so many guys stick to one or two behaviors and never explore anything else—and sometimes when they do, they find out what they've been missing, and they change. So just as I changed from bottom to top once I discovered what my dick had been made for, I've known men change from top to bottom, once they began exploring their anal side. We all know straight men who came out relatively late in life, once they overcame their reluctance to have sex with another man. And I've personally mentored gay guys through their first fuck with a women, when they get over the performance fears that have been keeping them from trying it.

Not every discovery's going to bring permanent change. For a night, or even for a specific playmate, a top might become a bottom, or a bottom a top. A gay guy might make love to a woman once, but it doesn't make him straight.

And a top guy might love topping and be really great at it, but there may be times that he really wants to let go and let another man like me take him—a man who won't judge him, or think any the less of him, and who knows that sometimes a top guy just needs to bend over and get taken care of. Because yes, more than anyone else, top guys get judged harshly for flipping. Bottom men get irate when they hear about it. I've had several guys chastise me for one of my online profiles, because I post a photograph of myself sucking cock on it. They feel it takes away from my image as a top man, to see me sucking dick.

Screw that. If a guy calls himself a top, I say let him be a top. Likewise if he's a bottom. It doesn't mean that when a guy's a top, he's unfuckable. He's just expressed a preference for one over the other.

Sexuality's meant to be fluid—whether over one's entire life, or the course of a single encounter. Trying to wrestle it into a dichotomy is very human, but it's also like trying to capture a glorious sunset on canvas using only black paint.

2. A lot of the stories, most of them, involve sex with submissive, low self esteem, want-to-be-controlled bottoms. I understand that's part of the thrill of a certain type of sex. Would you be able to have sex with a partner that was your equal? or the lack of sense of power and entitlement would make it harder for you?


I would take exception with a lot of the adjective phrases here. I would never, ever say that any of my sexual partners described in my entries are anything less than my equal. Nor would I describe my confidence as entitlement.

Submission is indeed a turn-on for many men. They want to be used, to be told what to do, to be forced to do it. What many people who haven't engaged in this sort of play don't realize, however, is how very delicate the balance is, in these situations, and the type of exchanges that make it possible.

A good top realizes, when a bottom submits to him, that the bottom is offering his submission as a tribute. It's an expression of desire and of need, wrapped up in a nice package and presented as a gift. The bottom is exposing some of his most vulnerable self, each time he does so. I'm not talking about his hole—but his trust, his desire, and his need to be with someone who understands exactly what he wants.

A top might get his pleasure from such a man, but he's also got responsibilities: he needs to meet the bottom's expectations. He needs not to overstep the bottom's boundaries. He needs to realize what a remarkable gift the bottom is giving him, when the bottom submits and surrenders himself. Any man who doesn't appreciate all these things isn't a good top. He's just a guy sticking his dick in. And trust me, bottoms can tell the difference.

I would also hate for anyone to have the impression that low self esteem goes hand-in-hand with being submissive. Many of the experienced subs with whom I've played have had excellent self-esteem and confidence. The two are entirely different things.

I do tend to run across many men who do not recognize their beauty, or accept it. And that's a shame. However, I think it merely speaks to how widely spread are the mind-jobs we play on ourselves, convincing ourselves that we're not good enough, or pretty enough, or sexy enough. It has nothing to do with whom I choose as a sexual partner.

3. How have you managed to stay DDF and clean during 35 years of "risky" sex? It is a honest question, not a judgment call. I truly want to know the trick. I want to use it!


I'm not going to pretend to be an expert qualified in giving medical advice, here. My blog is not focused on issues of disease or medicine, so I do not address it here.

Nor will I be giving you any advice save the same advice I give on a regular basis: no matter what type of sex in which you engage, educate yourself thoroughly on the risks and possible consequences. Don't engage in any risks with which you are not one hundred percent comfortable. Know where you draw your lines, and draw them consistently.

Don't allow anyone else to calculate your risks for you, or to decide upon your personal health. Those are decisions you need to make.

4. You are an artist. What kind? Can your art be seen, listened to, read (apart from here), tasted, worn, lived in, all of the above? Where can we experience it?

I share a lot of very personal information with you guys. The reason I am no more specific than stating that I'm an artist is that I don't share everything, and that generic description is as far as I intend to go. You don't really need to know more than that, I think. 

I am a professional artist. I get paid to do what I do, and it took me many years of hard work to achieve the status. I am not famous. I am a working artist, and my works have been appreciated by audiences in several countries. 

5. It seems (and I emphasize it SEEMS), like you spend a lot of time thinking of, setting up and having sex with people other than your wife. You are an artist too. Where do you find time to do all this? Another honest question... also want to know how to use the trick.

I've answered this question more than any other. There are some incorrect assumptions in your perception. 

I don't spend all my time setting up and having sex with people. In my blog I write about maybe one or two new sexual encounters a week. It does not take me the other five days of the week to set these up and make them happen. Even on the weeks I've written about fucking daily, the amount of time it actually takes out of my day is minimal. When I write about it, I have a rule that I don't take any longer to write about the sex than it took actually to have it.

I do not have an office job. Even when I teach, I do not do so full-time. I am a working artist. I can arrange my time as I please, from when I wake up in the morning, how much I work per day, and when I do it. Likewise, I can fit sex into my day as I please.

I find time to have sex because I don't waste time sitting around behind a computer masturbating to porn, or cruising online for endless hours. I get on, I connect, and I make it happen. Or I get on, see that no one's connecting, and I move on to some other activity.

I lead a very full life, I feel. You only get to see one side of it—and it might be easy to assume that it's the only side there is to me.

I would assure you, however, that anyone who assumes that is mistaken.

As far as thinking about sex all the time? Probably guilty. What can I say? I'm male!



That's it for today, folks. If you've got any submissions for the Readers Assets feature, please submit them to me this week so we can get a new installment for the new year!

14 comments:

  1. Love your answers to these questions. Especially the first one. As someone who has lead a more fluid sexual life, both in terms of the gender of partners and whether I top or bottom, I appreciate it when people realize that labels like that come off just as easily as they are put on. After all, I'm a rather accomplished top, but I managed to bottom for a hung guy like you pretty well. And I too enjoy sucking cock, but that doesn't make me any less dominant. I know a lot of men who can attest that a dom sucking cock does not make them any less dom. Still, there are some people who think in terms of black and white where those things are concerned. I like to think in the grey. It makes sex less confining when I do.

    -Ace

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  2. And I love what you say about submission not equalling low self esteem. If fact, I'm discovering the higher my self esteem becomes the more I can exercise my submissive tendencies (and vice versa).

    Cheers

    Jamie

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  3. I get the whole top bottom thing and even though i would label myself a top i have bottomed and hated it and bottomed and loved it. Ive topped guys where it was the bottom wanting me to be dominant and other times I topped it was just pure, unadulterated, beautiful and equal fucking. I've never understood the whole thing dom thing with sucking cock. I guess as a gay man I just figured if your attracted to men you're going to want suck cock. I know I certainly do. Rob I certainly couldn't handle yours but I'd gladly be on my knees sucking that beauty as long as you needed me too.

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  4. I think those were great responses. You could just make a link to this entry and call it your FAQ for new readers.

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  5. Ace,

    I know there are people who think in black and white when it comes to top and bottom, and who even draw distinctions between 'pure' tops and the presumably tainted kinds who've let someone near their hole at some point in their lifetimes. Seems kind of silly to me.

    I tend to like top and bottom as verbs, rather than as permanent, inflexible nouns.

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  6. Jamie,

    I've run up against the assumption more times than I can count that guys who bottom, or guys who tend to be submissive while bottoming, have low self-esteem. They very well might, but it's a completely different issue from their desire to bottom.

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  7. 11:54 Anonymous,

    Same with me. I consider myself a top, and I haven't been topped in many years at this point, but there were times I bottomed and loved it, and times I bottomed and didn't like it at all. At no point during any of it did I think to myself that my status as a top had changed in any way.

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  8. JFBreak,

    Not a bad idea, but I really only get asked the last two questions repeatedly.

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  9. Thanks for those very impressive answers. And yes we do some pretty amazing mind jobs on ourselves, don't we?

    I remember seeing the questions in the comments and thinking - oh no, did this guy cross the line in asking repetitive and too personal questions; but you tackled them head on and handled them like a pro.

    And the FAQ idea is good, just to head off future queries.

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    Replies
    1. Paul,

      The FAQ really is a pretty good idea. I'd have to do some thinking about what the questions might be, though.

      I'm pretty sure How big is your dick? would be near the top.

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  10. I'm a bottom- I've topped exactly one time and it just didn't do it for. I like being submissive and I've always understood the quiet power bottoms hold. I think I liked it more because of the mental portion of it- letting someone else enter me. It's what makes me feel more connected.

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    Replies
    1. Matthew,

      That's the aspect of bottoming that I enjoyed most during my teen years, when I was bottoming all the time. I have a difficult time remember physically exactly what it was that I enjoyed, but the mental part? I remember it well.

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  11. Breeder,

    First let me apologize for not writing earlier.

    Thank you very much for your responses to my questions. It was very generous of you to dedicate that amount of time to answering them. I was definitely not expecting a full section of your blog dedicated to them, not without having had sex with you first, in any case ;)

    Some of your answers raised more questions, and some, I think, deserve some clarification on my part, but I understand this is a blog to talk about your experiences and not a Q&A forum. So, I'll stop at this.

    For your generosity of time and insight responding, I am thankful.

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous,

      I meant to go back and write a comment that was going to direct you to this post, but I haven't had a chance. I'm glad you explored for yourself.

      I honestly don't mind questions, and as long as they're respectful I welcome them either here or anonymously through Formspring, or even via email; I hope you recognize that there are some topics at which I just draw a line, though. Open as I am, I still get to do that sometimes!

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