You Need to Know

You need to know what I go through, leaving you.

There hasn’t been a time you haven’t offered me your shower, after we fuck for hours. I always decline. It’s because I want to step out of your apartment knowing that I smell of you. I stride down the tiles of your hallway, out the first security door and then the second, and finally onto the street. Only there in the fresh air do I curl my lip and inhale the scent of you, fresh and pungent as any aromatic. I savor it as I pass the bodega two streets down from you. Your bouquet is my private pleasure on my train rides home—that sweet musk lingers on my face with my own, and becomes part of me.

As it fades, bit by bit, I start counting the days until I can see you again. Until I can eat your hole again, and cover my face with the tang of your most private place. Until I can press my chest against yours after you shoot your load, and pull apart after I’m glued to you, covered with your essence.
I count the days until I can fuck you again, and leave part of myself inside.

You know what you do to me when we meet. You can see it in my face; you read it in the tensing and easing of my muscles. You measure it directly by the stiffness of my dick. There are a hundred secret things you know about me from our meetings.

But you need to know what I go through when I don’t see you.

I wake in the middle of the night beneath the blankets, warm and drowsy. My dick, though, is wide awake and raging. It shoves against the mattress and hopes to find the warm mounds of your ass, but is only frustrated to find cotton and foam. I sleep with a small pillow between my knees. Caught between dreaming and waking, I can imagine too easily that it’s your legs my own wrap around, that the body sleeping next to me is yours. Then my eyelids flutter, and the unblinking cold light of my clock illuminates the contours of my bedroom, and it’s with regret that I have to concede that you’re not there. But still my cock demands. The head swell, my nuts tighten, and I drift back into sleep thinking of how tight and warm, how wet you feel when I push insistently inside.

I think of texting you, during the day. I wonder how you are, and what you’re doing at work. I wonder if you’d think it creepy if some dude old enough to be your dad were to text you and tell you about the dream he had the night before of your presence next to his, and how much he craved to be within you. Too often I fear I err on the side of caution. I don’t want you to feel obligated to give yourself to me; I don’t want the knowledge of my desire to be a burden.

But you’re what I think about, when I think about fucking.

You need to know how it is for me when I save up for you. When the days pass and turn into weeks, when the weeks sometimes pass to turn into a month. When finally I learn you’ll have the place to yourself and I’ll be with you again. I save up. Every time. I do it in part for you, because I know you love the sensation of my big load gushing into your deepest recesses. Mostly, though, I do it for me. I do it because the self-denial is pleasurable.

Writing those last words brought a little smile to my face. Pleasurable. Torturous. I’m finding it tough to tell the difference.

The first two days I scarcely notice. I masturbate less than I fuck anyway; I can go two days, even three without spotting the difference.

Day four, though, I find myself growing hard at the slightest provocation. A pretty face, a memory of something sexual, a growl in a voice or a look of longing in my direction makes me want to unbuckle and have at it. Day five, and sex starts to be all I can think about. I know I shouldn’t whip it out. I know I shouldn’t scratch this itch. But oh, do I want to.

By the sixth and seventh day of my abstinence, I’m in a frenzy. My middle-of-the-night boners are hard as cement; they rage and demand and insist, keeping me awake more than I like to admit. My dick wrenches me from my sleep abruptly, the head wet with precum from some dream of you that’s vanishing too quickly. I’m trapped in a sexual purgatory with no sign of relief. Every hour seems longer than the last. I endure my day’s work thinking about you, about how sore I want your hole when I’m done with it. I look at the photos you’ve sent, re-read your texts, go over your stories in my mind. I revisit the map of your body I keep locked away—the rolling mountains of your ass, the valley between your thighs, the sounds of the oceans made by your sighs.

My brain’s besotted with you, the last couple of days before we meet again. What’s worse is that the boys can smell my desperation on the wind, like hounds smell a bitch in heat. Out of the woodwork they crawl, insinuating that we should get together, that I should fuck them. It’d be so easy, too. You wouldn’t know. I wouldn’t have to be accountable. I could slip inside them, fill their little holes with cum, and hook up with you not long after. I’d still have load enough for you.

But it’s not right. It’s not the reason for which I go through this torture.

You need to know: I save up my load because it’s you that deserves it. It’s you that I want to blast with my sperm—only you. I’ll accept no lesser applicants, no substitutes. I want to turn you over and bury your face in the pillow, and lift your hips with my hands and pull that sweet, muscular ass to my face so I can eat it and relax it. I want to chew on your hole both to make it yearn for me, and as revenge for making me wait so long. I want to turn you onto your back, and wedge that pillow of yours beneath the small of your spine, and drive into you with the cock that’s been waiting for days and weeks and months. I want to make it sweet, just the way you crave; I want to make it hurt, so you’ll remember me with every twinge and pang.

I want to fuck you so hard and so relentlessly, that when I climax in a series of shudders and soft moans, in jerky thrusts and the swelling and release of the inches between my legs, you and I both know that this is right—that the sperm that’s been boiling in my nuts for the last week or more has been simmering for you. Not for some hungry little Latin boy looking for a papi to fuck him. Not for some cum whore eager to score. Just for you. I want that big load, and the loads that follow, to seep from your hole and onto your mattress all night. I want you to be able to reach down there and behind, to touch the parts I’ve left moist and puffy and sore, and remember I was there, and that I took the pains to make it special.

Maybe you do it when you’re alone that night, remembering what passed before. Maybe you do it while I’m still in your apartment building, while I’m walking down that tiled hallway and smelling you on my upper lip, while I’m letting myself out and walking with regret back to the train.

You need to know: even sated and walking down the street mere heartbeats away, stinking sweetly of your hole and your juice, I’m already thinking of our next time.

I’m already thinking of you.

Pedestal

There’s a party going on in the distance. Spotlights flail to the beat of a thudding drum and bass, sending their columns of light criss-crossing into the night sky. Orion rules the black night sky; one of the jewels of his belt blinks more brightly than the others. There’s a scent of ocean water on the breeze.

I’m in the darkness, hidden away from the party lights, the video screens, the brightly-illuminated dance floor where hundreds of men gyrate in skimpy outfits. I can hear it all. The raucous laughter, the shouts, the whoops of happiness when the song changes to something familiar. No, where I am is shadowed, unlit by any light that’s not reflected multiple times before finally easing the last, weak parts of itself at the nether end of nowhere where I roam.

There are a handful of men here. Our eyes flash and glint, locked on each other, as we pass. I’m in no hurry to pick. I’ve got time. My hands are stuck deep in the pockets of my shorts as I stroll along the dark, open spaces. In a corner, behind where the staff have piled a stack of lounge chairs, someone is noisily sucking cock. A crowd is gathering, one or two men at a time, where the action is. I stroll by and glance at the man on his knees, his mouth wrapped around the shaft of an older guy in board shorts and a Tommy Bahama shirt. The man’s shirt is open. Someone’s hand reaches out to run over the velvety texture of silver chest hair. Another reaches out to tweak his nipples.

Men crowd around to try to get in on the action; they hope they’ll have some of the sexual good fortune rub off on themselves. Failing that, they hope to cop a feel, to see something hot, to get service themselves from the cocksucker. It would be easy for me to crowd in and partake.

I don’t, though. I’m cocky enough to believe that I don’t have to go to the action. I prefer it come to me.

So I stand at a distance, leaning against a rail by the walkway. For a few minutes I watch the men come and go. They nod at me, take their measure of my height, judge the bulge in my shorts where my fingers idly drum. More men crowd in the area where the cocksucker’s working. None of them are getting more than a handful of chest hair, but they crowd in, hopeful. I maintain my stance, keep my place, and wait.

I don’t wait long. A short man wearing a full leather uniform strides by slowly. His skin is as dark as the night itself; he’s wearing Ray-Bans that he grasps by the temple and tips down so he can stare at me as he passes. The guy’s gone to some trouble to deck himself out in gear. He’s got the cap, the halter, the collar, the leather pants. Armbands squeeze his big biceps so tightly they look like they might burst. He’s musclebound—that’s the word for him. No taller than five-foot-four. Bulges in all the right places—and in some places I didn’t know could bulge. The guy doesn’t just work out daily. He works out around the clock.

He nods. Raises his sunglasses once more. Saunters down further and leans against the same railing as I. When I look over, he’s looking back. Of course he is. And he’s got his hand resting on his crotch. When he squeezes, I stand up and stroll to his side.

“C’mon over here,” he murmurs, jerking his head in the opposite direction as the small crowd. No preamble. No conversation. He just cuts right to the chase.

I like that in a man.

There’s another stack of deck chairs in another corner of this darkened area. It’s easily three, maybe four feet high. The chairs are laid flat upon each other to make a barrier of sorts. When he takes me by the hand to lead me behind the enclosure, I’m surprised. Not at the fact he’s taking me somewhere private. I’m surprised at the gentleness of his touch, of the intimacy of his soft fingers wrapped around mine.

We’re alone now. He drops my hand reluctantly, then reaches out and rests his palms on my shoulder. I feel his touch, warm and steady, as it travels down my chest, my stomach. They stop at my waist and grasp it firmly. He kneels before me.

I think I know what he wants. My hands reached down to unbutton my shorts for him. My dick’s already hard and trying to burst out. But before I can undo them, I feel myself losing my balance. Suddenly I’m aloft as he uses his grip on my waist and his position to hoist me in the air. For several moments I’m confused, but I try not to wiggle; it looks like an awfully long way down.

It’s only a second or two later that he deposits me atop the stack of deck chairs. Then, and only then, do his hands release me and go for my button and zipper. He yanks down savagely to free my cock. It flops out. The zipper’s teeth bite, not too painfully, into my scrotum. Then he leans forward, almost at mouth level for him, and engulfs my rigid cock between his lips.

“Fuck,” I say aloud, forgetting for a moment I’m supposed to be in a dark and quiet corner. But the position he’s put me in is the opposite of private. I’m visible to everyone in these secluded shadows. I’m higher than them all, on a pedestal of deck chairs, with a leather-geared black man going at my meat like a starving dog. What are people going to crowd around, that kind of scene, or an everyday cocksucker on his knees? The crowd begins to come to me.

From time to time the leather man grabs my face and pulls it down and forward so he can kiss me. The men who are beginning to gravitate to us start growling and making grunts of approval when we kiss. The man’s tongue invades my mouth, reaches its very recesses. He’s not the gentlest kisser . . . but he’s thorough. A couple of bolder individuals try to step up and take a handful of my dick, or run their hands over the black man’s body. He’s not having any of it. He’s not rude when he pushes them away, but he’s firm about it; I’m his territory, and he’s not intending to cede it in the least.

His determination to keep his space erects an invisible wall, like glass, three feet on either side of us. Two dozen men crowd around to watch the action, but they don’t move in any further than that. The muscle man makes a show of sucking my cock. His hands are small in size, so when he grips my meat and squeezes, it looks enormous in comparison. My cock is engorged, its mushroom head flushed and ballooned to capacity. The man lewdly tongues the slit for thick, sweet globs of my precum, using it for lip balm. Then he runs those lips up and down the shaft, making certain that the crowd can see the white cock he’s claimed for his prize.

I’m turned on as much by the voyeurs as I am the blow job. I let my head loll back. I groan. I take off the stud’s cap and wear it for my own, tipped to the side. Then I run my palms over his shaved head, enjoying the sand-like sensation of the faintest stubble beneath them.

When I shoot, it’s loud and noisy. He feels my body heaving and perhaps hears the quickening of my breath. He gets enough warning to back off and wrap his right hand around my shaft, so that he can beat me to orgasm. The load splatters across his face. He nods at me, then reaches up and wipes it off his face. Making certain the crowd is watching, he then licks it off from between his fingers. Finally he wipes his hands on his chest. I can hear the men watching us murmur in approval.

Like a gentleman, he helps me down from the stack of chairs. Once again he grabs me around the waist as I lift myself up, then with dancer-like grace, he deposits me lightly on my feet. I’ve never felt so manhandled in my life. He reaches up, removes his cap from my head, and places it back on his own. He’d hooked his sunglasses onto his pants pocket at some point during the head job. They go back onto his face and make him look mean. Impassive. But before he leaves, he flashes me a quick grin.

The crowd disappears around us as we ease our way out from behind the stack of chairs. The show’s over. I saunter back over to the railing slowly, aware that men are looking at me with speculation. But I’m not ready to play again. Not yet.

Will I recognize the man among the others in the daylight? I don’t know. But I know I’ll be looking. I know I’ll be hoping that our glances lock with recognition—validation of a few minutes in a dark corner with every eye upon us.