If there’s anything I’ve learned from my years as a sex blogger, it’s that people have very deep sexual needs that aren’t being met. They reach out to tell me about them all the time. They want to be used by a man who knows what he’s doing. They want to fuck like they perceive I do, freely and with abandon. They want a perfect first time, a boyfriend who’ll understand them, a man to call them names and treat them like dirt before using and discarding them. They want sex as a relaxing respite from the world at large; they want the passionate sex they’ve read about and seen on movie screens and heard about in pop songs, but have never had.
If there’s also anything I’ve learned as a blogger, it’s that most of the time, the only thing standing between these people and the sex they need happens to be themselves. The virgin craving a first time who wants the encounter to be so perfect and has such rigid criteria for his partner is doomed; in his quest for flawlessness he’s looking for a very thin needle in a field of haystacks. The harried husbands who claim never to have time to get the fucks they desire are the same ones sitting mutely on the sofa at home in the evenings, letting the wives and kids control the TV remote instead of standing up and declaring they’re going out for the evening. The guys who want their first sex party so badly they can taste it are also the first ones who make excuses not to go, when the appointed time rolls around.
Guys postpone having sex until they’ve lost that five pounds they imagine is the only thing standing between themselves and the ultimate sexual experience. Perfectly agreeable human beings duck their heads and stay at home to masturbate because they’ve convinced themselves they’re unfuckable trolls. They’re not clean enough, not pretty enough, not slim enough, not hairy enough, too married, too single, too poor, too awkward.
It’s all in their fucking heads, of course. Every single bit of it. When I point it out to them, it goes one of two ways—either the clouds part and a light comes down from heaven accompanied by a chorus as they realize that yes! The miniscule bulge they can see over the waistband of their underwear is really not going to prevent anyone from finding them desirable! Or else they continue trudging along their weary and well-trodden path of regret and blame.
It’s for reasons like this I’m always encouraging my readers to say yes instead of no. Yes, I’d like to meet that guy who seems nice, even though I’m not sure of his looks. Yes, I’ll accept that invitation to the group motel party at the end of the month . . . and yes, I’ll show up. Yes, I’ll go outside my usual comfort level and try a sexual act not in my current repertoire. Yes, I’ll have sex with a guy older than I prefer. Yes, I’ll get out of my damned chair and out from behind my computer and my phone and meet someone face to face.
I mean, fuck. If there’s one message this journal has, it’s to say yes to all the good things the universe offers. There’s no guarantee the offers will keep coming. Turning your face to the ground and shaking your head all the time will only mean that over time, you’ll stop noticing when good things present themselves.
Not that the word no doesn’t have its place, of course. If you’re at a group sex party and a truly unattractive, annoying guy won’t leave you alone, politely say no until he gets the message. If you feel you’re being played by a guy or lied to, say no. If you’re honestly uncomfortable with something your partner asks you to do, to the point that it’s causing you distress, say no. If you’re being asked to endanger your health or your safety, say no and walk away.
I’ve noticed over the last few months in particular that I really resent having to pull out the word no, however. When it happens, it’s because the guys set themselves up for it.
r u looking?? they’ll text me at midnight.
Not right now, I’ll say. Are you available tomorrow during the day or earlier in the evening?
And of course I’ll never get a reply. Not until another midnight rolls around. r u looking??
I’m not usually free this late at night, I’ll say, more specifically. Can you ever meet earlier in the day?
No reply. Another midnight will roll around. dude, you available???
Not at this time of night, I’ll say, sighing.
What’s typical after this is that we’ll have more back and forths. Am I free? No. Am I free, dude? No. Am I looking?
No. No. No. After a while—and maybe it’s just me, but I’m willing to bet the experience is more universal—I start to feel that the guy is just challenging me. He’s sitting there saying, I know this top fucker is going to say no. Just watch. I’ll just prove what a predictable ass he is. Regardless of what the guy actually intends, what happens is that I get so tired of saying no, so tired of being forced into a position in which my only answer can be no, that I end up blocking the guy forever . . . just so I don’t have to keep refusing him, over and over and over again.
Another example: guys tend to underestimate the lead time I need to make an encounter happen. I have a top friend—theoretical friend, since we’ve never met—who never uses the cell number I’ve given him until the very last minute, every time. I have a bottom who wants two tops to fuck him! You in? he’ll text me . . . fifteen minutes before the encounter is supposed to take place.
Sorry, I need a little more lead time than that, I’ll tell him.
He’ll send me a frowny face, but the next time something similar rolls around, either he doesn’t recall what I said before, or he doesn’t much care. I’m fucking a hot bottom boy in a half hour. You want to come?
No, I’m at work, I’ll have to say. I appreciate you thinking of me, but I really need a little more warning most days.
Three days later. I’m fucking that hole again in 25 minutes. Come with me!
No, I’m forced to say. Over and over again. No.
And honestly, I hate saying it. I like this guy. It’d be fun to fuck with him. But I get increasingly frustrated when he doesn’t seem to realize I’m not usually available at the drop of a hat, and I get upset when he makes me tell him no. The day is going to come when he makes me feel badly for saying no so many times, and I’ll have to block him, too.
My suggestion for the day is that if you find a particular guy saying no to you all the time, find a way to turn the no into a yes. I’m not talking about cases in which a guy is genuinely not into you. That’s the kind of no you should listen to. But if the guy has seemed nice and approachable in the past, and if he’s expressed interest in getting together with you, but he’s declining every time you inquiring if he’s around, take a step back and see if there’s any way you might be sabotaging yourself.
If you’re asking looking???? every time you message him, it’s time to change your approach. Instead of your frustrating one-word interrogation, have an actual dialogue with the guy about his availability and how it meshes with yours. Try to make a tentative date at a time he’s available. Do something to break that pattern of no, because like me, sooner or later he’ll get tired of saying it.
Break the pattern, no matter what it is. If a guy is your last-minute, last-resort choice and he’s always unavailable, make him your first choice and give him plenty of time to respond. If you’re unable to host and you keep asking a guy can you host??? even when he’s told you before it’s impossible, desist. Find a cheap motel the two of you can visit. Find a friend who doesn’t mind you fucking on his mattress. If you realize you’re not giving the guy enough time to make his excuses and get away from work or home, figure out ways to keep the spontaneity for yourself while giving him ample opportunities to plan.
Guys don’t like to say no. We all want to be able to say yes. When you run into a lot of negatives, listen to what men are telling you. React accordingly. Figure out strategies to turn a no into a yes.
Nobody likes to be the bad guy. Nobody likes shaking their head and being the obstruction, over and over again. If you’re the one who’s making a fellow say no repeatedly, it might not be him who’s the ass. He might just think it’s you.
Showing posts with label cruising 101. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cruising 101. Show all posts
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Cruising 101: Mr. Manners Visits the Bathhouse
Some of you may be wondering why I broke out a section from yesterday’s Cruising 101 guide on the gay bathhouse in order to talk about something as effete and nebulous as etiquette.
I’ll tell you why. It’s because last Friday night I decided to hit the local baths when nothing interesting was happening online. For three and a half hours I sat there in my room, or cruised in the steam room, or walked the hallways, while I watched guys engage in all kinds of assholery. It almost seemed as if the men there that night were determined not to connect with each other. I ended up leaving without so much as a hand job.
That’ll happen from time to time. One night, you’re king of the bathhouse and everyone wants a piece of you. Another night, you’ll feel one of the untouchables, a leprous caste shunned by any and all passers-by. Some blame it on the conjunction of the stars, or just the luck of the draw. I, however, tend to suspect these nights happen when a little bad behavior spreads like wildfire and fucks with everyone’s mood.
So I’m presenting a few suggestions for your consideration, so that everyone can have a good time at the baths.
Rule #1: No Means No
The world does not end because someone refuses you. It’s just a minor road bump. Don’t escalate it into a car wreck.
Seriously. If a guy tells you no, whether by saying the word or its equivalent, or by his body language, it means he doesn’t want to have sex with you. Move away, and move on.
If you reach for a man’s junk in the steam room and he gently pushes away your hand, it means he doesn’t want you touching him. It doesn’t mean that he wants you to use both hands to attempt to wrench apart his knees and give it another go.
If you step into a guy’s dark room to ask if he wants some company, and he says no, it means he doesn’t want your company. It doesn’t mean he wants you to shut the door, turn on the light, sit down, and try to talk him into it.
If you’ve been following around a guy and he keeps moving away from you in the movie room, or leaves the steam room when you step in there, or sidles to the other side of the sauna to get away from you, it means he doesn’t want you near him. It doesn’t mean that you should follow him all the more relentlessly in case he eventually changes his mind.
There seems to be a circular logic that comes into play in the lust-fogged minds of men when they’re in the dark halls of a bathhouse. If that guy doesn’t want to have sex with me right now, they seem to think, he’ll definitely want to play with me after I’ve made a thorough nuisance of myself. Or, Maybe if I corner him so he can’t get away, he’ll be forced to play with me.
Just don’t.
Rule #2: Be Polite
This goes for men who do the rejecting, as well as those who have been rejected. Don’t snarl “Fuck off!” at some poor schmoe who’s dared to stick a head in your room. Just look the other direction and close your legs, or simply say, “No thanks” if he asks if you want company. Not “Not in a million fucking years!”, or “Jesus H. Christ, as if!” or “Not on your best day, troll!” (All of which I’ve observed in bathhouses.)
Just “No thanks.”
I know guys who soften the blow by modifying it to “No thanks, I’m waiting for someone.” Or “No thanks, I’m resting.” That’s fine, even though the subtext is clearly I’m waiting for someone who isn’t you and I’m resting until someone better comes by. As long as your tone is pleasant and you’re not offensive, your wishes should be respected.
Likewise, if you’re the one on the receiving end of the no-thank-you, don’t rise to anger. It’s not your opportunity snap, “Well honey, you ain’t that hot!” and flounce off. It’s not an open invitation to observe, “Never mind, the guy in the room across the hall is ten times hotter than you and he has anal warts!” or “I don’t know why you of all people have got such an attitude.” (Again, all of which I’ve observed in bathhouse settings.) Don’t plan elaborate fantasies in your mind about how that asshole is going to be desperate enough in an hour that he’ll be begging you to come into his room and you’ll remind him of what a dick he was and laugh, just laugh right into his face.
Say “Thanks, then,” or something similarly neutral and polite, and move on. If you really had your hopes up, add something like, “Grab me if you change your mind later.” And move on.
Rule #3: Check Your Bad Moods at the Door
If you arrive at the bathhouse mad at the world and spend your time stomping around the place in a high dudgeon, you’re not going to have fun.
If you arrive at the bathhouse and are so fed up with how many old Depends-wearing senior citizens/stupid twinks/ethnic guys/married guys/bar queens/muscle marys/bears who are going to clog up the drains with all that fucking hair they let through the door, and if you find yourself holding your nose in the air and saying things like, “It USED to be fun to come here!”, you’re not going to have a good time.
If you arrive, strip down, and are certain that no one in the establishment is going to want you because you’re overweight, or bald, or old, or too young, or too ugly, or have a weird mole thing, then you’re right. No one is going to want you. But it’s not because of your age or looks. It’s because you’re walking around with a scowl on your face and scaring everyone.
You might be surprised how many people find you attractive in the bathhouse setting, if you’re willing to be pleasant and friendly. I’d throw in what my mom used to say about catching more flies with honey than vinegar, here, only you might think it was corny.
Rule #4: Don’t Be A Stalker
The incivility of the baths is one of its less attractive features. While the vast majority of the men present are friendly and polite, there are always a handful that make the experience exasperating for everyone.
Don’t be one of them.
It’s easy at a bathhouse to get into the mindset that you have to get laid. Now. You’ve paid twenty freakin’ dollars, and dammit, you’re going to get your money’s worth. The notion of getting a return on that investment haunts a lot of men once they’re roaming the hallways. They’re desperate to get action and validation from someone. Anyone.
These are the guys who, instead of letting you enter the steam room, look around, and choose your spot, will immediately stand up and chase you into corner, where they’ll stroke themselves furiously and stare you down. Never mind that you’ve got your legs clenched shut and your arms crossed and your eyes closed to repel them. They’re going to get action from someone, dammit, and it might as well be you.
These are the guys who develop a fixation on an innocent victim and follow him everywhere in the bathhouse until he finally surrenders his towel to the front desk and leaves out of self-preservation.
These are the guys who hang around the check-in counter and follow guys to their rooms even before they’ve gotten their clothes off. And they’re the guys who, upon seeing someone they want leading another man back to his room, will follow and trying to elbow his way in to join them before the door closes.
Don’t be that guy. Recognize the signals. Remember that no means no. Take a deep breath. Getting laid isn’t a life-or-death situation. Getting a bad reputation as a stalker is only going to ruin your chance of having fun.
Rule #5: Guys Want Variety
Most men visit the bathhouse because they know there are going to be a number of men looking for sex. Most men want to experience a number of these guys, while they’re there.
Not all of them, of course. Some guys use the facility to meet a significant other or an arranged date because it’s cheaper and cleaner than a sleazy motel. But most men are practical. They’re not coming to the tubs to meet a soulmate, or find lifelong love. They want several dicks in their holes, or to connect with a few good men and dump a few loads.
If you have good sex with a guy, don’t be offended when he suggests you “take a shower” or “take a break for a little while.” That’s probably his signal that he wants to clean you off of his dick and go out and play with someone else. It may be true that he didn't shoot for you—but don't take it personally. Some men like to prolong their playtime before they finally cum. Don’t mope or whine or talk about the dream you concocted while blowing him of knitting his sweaters and finding a little place in Florida you’d share in your golden years. Thank him for his time, tell him to grab you again later if he wants, and go forth and play some more yourself.
Feel free to offer him your number or your email address—most places have little cards and pens just for that purpose. But don’t try to keep him chained to your side all day.
Rule #6: Avoid Sending Mixed Signals
Part of reason so many men don’t obey the no means no rule is that a lot of guys send out mixed signals when they reject someone. Whether it’s out of fear or over-politeness or an unwillingness to be confrontational by being definite, they’ll do anything except give a clear indication of no thanks.
When you want to say No, you shouldn’t say, Maybe later. It only strings someone along. Don’t wink and say, Check back with me in a few minutes when you don’t want the guy to check back with you at all. It’s not fair to keep them on the hook when you’re too cowardly to turn them down gently.
On a more general level, don’t advertise yourself as available for certain activities that you’re not willing to carry through. If you’re on your hands and knees on your cot in your room with the door open, don’t be offended and surprised when someone assumes you want to be fucked. If you’re sticking your hard dick in the vicinity of a gloryhole, don’t be upset when someone on the other side reaches through to fondle or suck it. And if you’re kneeling in a corner of a piss play/urinal room with your mouth wide open and a blindfold covering your eyes, it’s a little bit disingenuous when someone decides to spray your face and chest with urine to stand up and yell, “Key-rist, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?!” (Again, all of which I’ve seen in bathhouses.)
Rule #7: Be Clean
Show up with your holes cleaned out, if you want to get fucked or intend to spend time in the sling.
If you use your dick in a mouth or a hole, head to a sink or the showers to rinse it off after, particularly if you’ve gotten covered with lube or other substances.
If you’ve got sour breath or have been sucking a lot of dick, use the mouthwash that some baths provide, or bring your own mints or breath-freshening strips. Sometimes the front desk will sell them, too.
Your partners will thank you for the thoughtfulness.
Rule #8: Obey the House Rules
Most bathhouses have regulations to which they ask members to adhere. Some don’t allow chewing gum, for example (it’s difficult to clean), and some might ask you to sign in before using a hot tub or swimming pool. Some places are pretty plain about the fact that they don’t like people having sex in certain areas, like those in sight of a check-in window where outsiders might glimpse something.
If there are no-smoking regulations, observe them. Don’t bring your controlled substances into the bathhouse. If the establishment asks that you shower all oils from your body before entering the steam room or pool area, please do so, so that nobody slips and cracks open their head from your hubris. Don’t pee in the pool, don’t use the hallways as your personal litter receptacle. Don’t bring in large glass bottles that can shatter and prove deadly to someone who cuts himself.
Chances are that the rules are there for a reason. You are a guest of the establishment. They can, will, and should throw you out if you pose a danger to their operation, or to the safety of other patrons.
And most of all, be nice to the guys working the desks and the mops. They see a lot of thankless patrons pass through the joint.
Rule #9: Slow the Fuck Down and Enjoy Yourself, Already
One of the things I noticed the other night, when I was sitting in my room with a good view of the hallway intersections, is that the guys weren’t connecting with each other because they were caroming around like pinballs in a machine. They would bounce out of the steam room and scuttle down the hallway at top speed, peek into the dark room, then bounce off and trot to the movie room before rebounding and zooming to the steam room again.
It didn’t occur to any of the men beetling from one spot to another to slow down and take advantage of anything. They didn’t linger in the steam room or dark rooms. They didn’t watch the movies, or do anything more than stick their heads in these public play spots to see if anything was going on. When they were jogging down the hallways they didn’t stop to look at any of the men who were sitting there with their doors open. They simply bounced from spot to spot to spot, over and over again in a fast circuit, hoping that they’d see something going on.
Well if everyone’s doing that—and after a while, everyone was, because the sight of several guys running around at top speed convinced everyone they were missing out on something—of course nothing’s going to go on. Everyone’s too busy racing around like Keystone Kops for any sex to happen. And having a dozen or more Roadrunners zooming through every few seconds doesn’t create an environment conducive for public group fucking.
Walk slowly. Linger in the public areas to see what happens there. Step all the way into the dark rooms and wait a bit. Stop and look in open private room doors. Check people out. Chat pleasantly to people, even if every conversation doesn’t lead directly to sex.
It’s a bathhouse. Not a speedway.
And that's it. As always, if you have any questions or helpful observations about your own bathhouse experiences, feel free to share them in the comments below.
I’ll tell you why. It’s because last Friday night I decided to hit the local baths when nothing interesting was happening online. For three and a half hours I sat there in my room, or cruised in the steam room, or walked the hallways, while I watched guys engage in all kinds of assholery. It almost seemed as if the men there that night were determined not to connect with each other. I ended up leaving without so much as a hand job.
That’ll happen from time to time. One night, you’re king of the bathhouse and everyone wants a piece of you. Another night, you’ll feel one of the untouchables, a leprous caste shunned by any and all passers-by. Some blame it on the conjunction of the stars, or just the luck of the draw. I, however, tend to suspect these nights happen when a little bad behavior spreads like wildfire and fucks with everyone’s mood.
So I’m presenting a few suggestions for your consideration, so that everyone can have a good time at the baths.
Rule #1: No Means No
The world does not end because someone refuses you. It’s just a minor road bump. Don’t escalate it into a car wreck.
Seriously. If a guy tells you no, whether by saying the word or its equivalent, or by his body language, it means he doesn’t want to have sex with you. Move away, and move on.
If you reach for a man’s junk in the steam room and he gently pushes away your hand, it means he doesn’t want you touching him. It doesn’t mean that he wants you to use both hands to attempt to wrench apart his knees and give it another go.
If you step into a guy’s dark room to ask if he wants some company, and he says no, it means he doesn’t want your company. It doesn’t mean he wants you to shut the door, turn on the light, sit down, and try to talk him into it.
If you’ve been following around a guy and he keeps moving away from you in the movie room, or leaves the steam room when you step in there, or sidles to the other side of the sauna to get away from you, it means he doesn’t want you near him. It doesn’t mean that you should follow him all the more relentlessly in case he eventually changes his mind.
There seems to be a circular logic that comes into play in the lust-fogged minds of men when they’re in the dark halls of a bathhouse. If that guy doesn’t want to have sex with me right now, they seem to think, he’ll definitely want to play with me after I’ve made a thorough nuisance of myself. Or, Maybe if I corner him so he can’t get away, he’ll be forced to play with me.
Just don’t.
Rule #2: Be Polite
This goes for men who do the rejecting, as well as those who have been rejected. Don’t snarl “Fuck off!” at some poor schmoe who’s dared to stick a head in your room. Just look the other direction and close your legs, or simply say, “No thanks” if he asks if you want company. Not “Not in a million fucking years!”, or “Jesus H. Christ, as if!” or “Not on your best day, troll!” (All of which I’ve observed in bathhouses.)
Just “No thanks.”
I know guys who soften the blow by modifying it to “No thanks, I’m waiting for someone.” Or “No thanks, I’m resting.” That’s fine, even though the subtext is clearly I’m waiting for someone who isn’t you and I’m resting until someone better comes by. As long as your tone is pleasant and you’re not offensive, your wishes should be respected.
Likewise, if you’re the one on the receiving end of the no-thank-you, don’t rise to anger. It’s not your opportunity snap, “Well honey, you ain’t that hot!” and flounce off. It’s not an open invitation to observe, “Never mind, the guy in the room across the hall is ten times hotter than you and he has anal warts!” or “I don’t know why you of all people have got such an attitude.” (Again, all of which I’ve observed in bathhouse settings.) Don’t plan elaborate fantasies in your mind about how that asshole is going to be desperate enough in an hour that he’ll be begging you to come into his room and you’ll remind him of what a dick he was and laugh, just laugh right into his face.
Say “Thanks, then,” or something similarly neutral and polite, and move on. If you really had your hopes up, add something like, “Grab me if you change your mind later.” And move on.
Rule #3: Check Your Bad Moods at the Door
If you arrive at the bathhouse mad at the world and spend your time stomping around the place in a high dudgeon, you’re not going to have fun.
If you arrive at the bathhouse and are so fed up with how many old Depends-wearing senior citizens/stupid twinks/ethnic guys/married guys/bar queens/muscle marys/bears who are going to clog up the drains with all that fucking hair they let through the door, and if you find yourself holding your nose in the air and saying things like, “It USED to be fun to come here!”, you’re not going to have a good time.
If you arrive, strip down, and are certain that no one in the establishment is going to want you because you’re overweight, or bald, or old, or too young, or too ugly, or have a weird mole thing, then you’re right. No one is going to want you. But it’s not because of your age or looks. It’s because you’re walking around with a scowl on your face and scaring everyone.
You might be surprised how many people find you attractive in the bathhouse setting, if you’re willing to be pleasant and friendly. I’d throw in what my mom used to say about catching more flies with honey than vinegar, here, only you might think it was corny.
Rule #4: Don’t Be A Stalker
The incivility of the baths is one of its less attractive features. While the vast majority of the men present are friendly and polite, there are always a handful that make the experience exasperating for everyone.
Don’t be one of them.
It’s easy at a bathhouse to get into the mindset that you have to get laid. Now. You’ve paid twenty freakin’ dollars, and dammit, you’re going to get your money’s worth. The notion of getting a return on that investment haunts a lot of men once they’re roaming the hallways. They’re desperate to get action and validation from someone. Anyone.
These are the guys who, instead of letting you enter the steam room, look around, and choose your spot, will immediately stand up and chase you into corner, where they’ll stroke themselves furiously and stare you down. Never mind that you’ve got your legs clenched shut and your arms crossed and your eyes closed to repel them. They’re going to get action from someone, dammit, and it might as well be you.
These are the guys who develop a fixation on an innocent victim and follow him everywhere in the bathhouse until he finally surrenders his towel to the front desk and leaves out of self-preservation.
These are the guys who hang around the check-in counter and follow guys to their rooms even before they’ve gotten their clothes off. And they’re the guys who, upon seeing someone they want leading another man back to his room, will follow and trying to elbow his way in to join them before the door closes.
Don’t be that guy. Recognize the signals. Remember that no means no. Take a deep breath. Getting laid isn’t a life-or-death situation. Getting a bad reputation as a stalker is only going to ruin your chance of having fun.
Rule #5: Guys Want Variety
Most men visit the bathhouse because they know there are going to be a number of men looking for sex. Most men want to experience a number of these guys, while they’re there.
Not all of them, of course. Some guys use the facility to meet a significant other or an arranged date because it’s cheaper and cleaner than a sleazy motel. But most men are practical. They’re not coming to the tubs to meet a soulmate, or find lifelong love. They want several dicks in their holes, or to connect with a few good men and dump a few loads.
If you have good sex with a guy, don’t be offended when he suggests you “take a shower” or “take a break for a little while.” That’s probably his signal that he wants to clean you off of his dick and go out and play with someone else. It may be true that he didn't shoot for you—but don't take it personally. Some men like to prolong their playtime before they finally cum. Don’t mope or whine or talk about the dream you concocted while blowing him of knitting his sweaters and finding a little place in Florida you’d share in your golden years. Thank him for his time, tell him to grab you again later if he wants, and go forth and play some more yourself.
Feel free to offer him your number or your email address—most places have little cards and pens just for that purpose. But don’t try to keep him chained to your side all day.
Rule #6: Avoid Sending Mixed Signals
Part of reason so many men don’t obey the no means no rule is that a lot of guys send out mixed signals when they reject someone. Whether it’s out of fear or over-politeness or an unwillingness to be confrontational by being definite, they’ll do anything except give a clear indication of no thanks.
When you want to say No, you shouldn’t say, Maybe later. It only strings someone along. Don’t wink and say, Check back with me in a few minutes when you don’t want the guy to check back with you at all. It’s not fair to keep them on the hook when you’re too cowardly to turn them down gently.
On a more general level, don’t advertise yourself as available for certain activities that you’re not willing to carry through. If you’re on your hands and knees on your cot in your room with the door open, don’t be offended and surprised when someone assumes you want to be fucked. If you’re sticking your hard dick in the vicinity of a gloryhole, don’t be upset when someone on the other side reaches through to fondle or suck it. And if you’re kneeling in a corner of a piss play/urinal room with your mouth wide open and a blindfold covering your eyes, it’s a little bit disingenuous when someone decides to spray your face and chest with urine to stand up and yell, “Key-rist, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?!” (Again, all of which I’ve seen in bathhouses.)
Rule #7: Be Clean
Show up with your holes cleaned out, if you want to get fucked or intend to spend time in the sling.
If you use your dick in a mouth or a hole, head to a sink or the showers to rinse it off after, particularly if you’ve gotten covered with lube or other substances.
If you’ve got sour breath or have been sucking a lot of dick, use the mouthwash that some baths provide, or bring your own mints or breath-freshening strips. Sometimes the front desk will sell them, too.
Your partners will thank you for the thoughtfulness.
Rule #8: Obey the House Rules
Most bathhouses have regulations to which they ask members to adhere. Some don’t allow chewing gum, for example (it’s difficult to clean), and some might ask you to sign in before using a hot tub or swimming pool. Some places are pretty plain about the fact that they don’t like people having sex in certain areas, like those in sight of a check-in window where outsiders might glimpse something.
If there are no-smoking regulations, observe them. Don’t bring your controlled substances into the bathhouse. If the establishment asks that you shower all oils from your body before entering the steam room or pool area, please do so, so that nobody slips and cracks open their head from your hubris. Don’t pee in the pool, don’t use the hallways as your personal litter receptacle. Don’t bring in large glass bottles that can shatter and prove deadly to someone who cuts himself.
Chances are that the rules are there for a reason. You are a guest of the establishment. They can, will, and should throw you out if you pose a danger to their operation, or to the safety of other patrons.
And most of all, be nice to the guys working the desks and the mops. They see a lot of thankless patrons pass through the joint.
Rule #9: Slow the Fuck Down and Enjoy Yourself, Already
One of the things I noticed the other night, when I was sitting in my room with a good view of the hallway intersections, is that the guys weren’t connecting with each other because they were caroming around like pinballs in a machine. They would bounce out of the steam room and scuttle down the hallway at top speed, peek into the dark room, then bounce off and trot to the movie room before rebounding and zooming to the steam room again.
It didn’t occur to any of the men beetling from one spot to another to slow down and take advantage of anything. They didn’t linger in the steam room or dark rooms. They didn’t watch the movies, or do anything more than stick their heads in these public play spots to see if anything was going on. When they were jogging down the hallways they didn’t stop to look at any of the men who were sitting there with their doors open. They simply bounced from spot to spot to spot, over and over again in a fast circuit, hoping that they’d see something going on.
Well if everyone’s doing that—and after a while, everyone was, because the sight of several guys running around at top speed convinced everyone they were missing out on something—of course nothing’s going to go on. Everyone’s too busy racing around like Keystone Kops for any sex to happen. And having a dozen or more Roadrunners zooming through every few seconds doesn’t create an environment conducive for public group fucking.
Walk slowly. Linger in the public areas to see what happens there. Step all the way into the dark rooms and wait a bit. Stop and look in open private room doors. Check people out. Chat pleasantly to people, even if every conversation doesn’t lead directly to sex.
It’s a bathhouse. Not a speedway.
And that's it. As always, if you have any questions or helpful observations about your own bathhouse experiences, feel free to share them in the comments below.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Cruising 101: The Bathhouse
Every time I write one of my bathhouse blog posts I get a rush of emails from men who’ve never ventured before to one of these establishments. Almost to a one, they want to know how it works, and if I’ll take them next time I go.
Well, I can’t always do the latter. But I can do my best to demystify what can be a scary place for some guys—and in the second half of the entry, I’ll stress some points of etiquette that even the frequent bathhouse users often seem to have forgotten.. If you’re a guy with an experience of the bathhouse, you might even chip in your own tips in the comments.
What It Is
A bathhouse, simply, is an establishment at which men gather for sex. It may operate under the euphemism of spa; it might be run as a health club. But they’re bathhouses, or in some locales, the tubs. They’re located usually in larger metropolitan areas. Some cities have several. In many cities, there are none.
Some of the facilities offer amenities to get you through the door—gym equipment, hot tubs, tanning or massage services. Some baths have full-sized pools or outdoor sun decks. Many offer entertainment (though you’re not going to find Bette Midler playing at them anymore), special events, or even holiday meals at a reasonable price.
But make no mistake about it, these establishments exist for men to enjoy sex with each other. The number of features designed to facilitate that particular goal far outweigh the others—so from bathhouse to bathhouse you might find dark rooms in which porn is playing on a loop, or steam rooms or saunas for men to cruise in. There are usually showers of some sort. You might find unlit rooms with seemingly no purpose other than to offer the cover of darkness for men to screw, or gloryhole mazes, or slurp ramps in which men stand on a platform several feet off the floor and stick their dicks through gloryholes in the hope of attracting mouths. There may be sling rooms, or rooms with proper drainage dedicated to piss play.
Most traditional bathhouses have corridor after corridor of small locked rooms that can be rented for a price. They’ll quite often occupy the bulk of the building.
Bathhouses will often run specials to attract men through the doors. They may sponsor social gatherings such as bear runs, or host a college night with discounts for guys with student IDs in order to attract young men (and the older men who admire them). They often run leather nights with discounts for men who show up in chaps and harnesses. You might find some establishments offering holiday parties, or white parties, or blackout parties in which all the lights are turned off and men sort each other out solely by glowing wristbands.
Whatever the theme or amenities, bathhouses usually fall into two types: clothed and unclothed. You can probably figure out the essential difference between them: in an unclothed bathhouse, which is the more common of the two, typically most men will leave their duds in a locker and strut around in nothing more than a towel. There’s usually option at the clothed baths to leave your garments somewhere under lock and key, but most people don’t won’t. They’ll simply drop their pants when they find a partner, and go at it.
How to Get In
Most clubs require not only some sort of fee with every visit, but a membership as well.
The membership isn’t a universal thing, but it’s not uncommon; the establishment will give you an option between a shorter-term membership (anywhere from one month to six months) to one that’s good for a year, or even a lifetime. The cost varies by bathhouse, and goes up with duration. The bathhouse will very likely ask to see your driver’s license when you apply for a membership. There’s no real need to worry about it, though. They want your patronage. They’re not going to call you at home and notify your aged grandmother that goodtime-Chucky hasn’t been seen at Club Gusher for the last month, did he get gonorrhea or something? They’re really not.
Some clubs have a day pass, or a special membership for out-of-towners. Ask at the front desk, when you apply.
A few baths require that you be ‘sponsored’ in order to join. Usually the process involves arriving with an existing member who will vouch for you and your future behavior. If the club to which you’re applying is one of these, make your arrangements beforehand. I’ve also been to other bathhouses that ask new members for membership cards to other baths in other cities. It’s okay if you don’t have one; what the establishment is trying to make certain is that you don’t think they’re something they’re not—in other words, that you’re not going to walk in, see two men fondling each other in a dark corner, and then shriek that you were expecting a Russian baths where the hardest and steamiest things going were the hot rocks for the massages. If you don’t have other membership cards, or if you’re challenged, simply and calmly say that you’ve seen their website and it looks like the kind of place you want to be, or what you’ve seen their advertisements in your local gay magazine. That’s all they want to hear.
After you’ve gone through the rigamarole of paying for a membership, you may be issued a membership card. Remember to bring it back with you on repeat visits. The clerk will ask you to pay for some kind of storage and/or room for a pre-determined period of time (usually eight or ten hours). The cheapest option is usually a locker, for which you’ll be issued a key.
The least expensive room is usually a bare-bones changing room that consists of a cot and a locker and perhaps a small table of some sort. The more expensive ones might have televisions with porn playing, or larger and more comfortable beds and bedding, or mirrored walls or ceilings, or a private bathroom. One facility I’ve visited has gloryhole rooms, in which the occupant can open a pair of shutters covering a popular hole in a dark maze, when he wants to play with some anonymous dick.
Choose what makes you comfortable. I usually like having a room to which I can retire, but some establishments have such large and comfortable public spaces that having only a locker doesn’t seem like a punishment at all.
Announce your choice to the clerk, and fork over the cash. You may be asked to surrender your membership card (you’ll get it back when you exit), and to sign a card or form stating what time you entered. You might be asked to sign the same card on your exit.
Collect your key and step through the inner door. You’re in!
What to Bring
Here’s what not to bring: anything valuable. Don’t bring your laptop, your iPad, those rolls of film from your wedding last week that your new wife wanted you to take to Walgreen’s, jewelry, your best expensive leather jacket, or anything you’ll regret losing. You may not want to bring any more cash than is necessary to get through the front door. That’s up to you.
Yes, you have a locker in which to put your valuables, but you know. Stuff happens. You could fall asleep with someone in your room, and they might snitch that key and make off with your wallet. Just be cautious. Be particularly cautious if you're walking around a clothed bathhouse; it's easy for a thief to slip your wallet or cell phone from your jeans while he's blowing you, or for you to lose track of exactly who has access to your pockets in a dark room. In these establishments, it's best to arrive with the bare minimum.
Do bring lube, and breath mints, and your favorite cock ring. If you have toys you enjoy using on yourself or others, bring those along as well. If you use poppers, you’ll find you’re not alone at the bathhouse. If you want to have safe sex, there are usually condoms available and even given out with your room key. Be prepared to ask guys to use them, if you insist on them. I firmly believe that whether or not to engage in safe sex is your choice, but if you're not careful, there could be some asshole who’s going to try to stealth you and make you feel by teaching you a lesson that he did you a favor, after.
I recommend bringing a pair of flip-flops. The kind that are cheap, easily rinsable with water, and which you don’t mind forgetting, losing, or tossing away. Most of the good establishments clean often and regularly, but I’ve been in some dives in which I was afraid to let my feet touch the mold-covered floors.
What Happens
It helps if you think of your bathhouse adventure not as a desperate attempt to get laid, but as a leisurely adventure. In other words, be prepared to spend a lot of time doing nothing, sometimes.
If you have a locker, store your valuables in it and put on your towel. If you have a room, store your stuff away and make your bed. Then go exploring. Check out the bath’s public areas and scope out the people present. See if any of the movies are to your liking. Try out the sling. Investigate the contours of the dark rooms, and relax in the steam room or sauna for a while.
The other men are there for the same reason you are. They want to have sex. They don’t necessarily want to have it with you—which is something everyone needs to keep in mind—but no one is going to be offended if you masturbate while you watch a movie, or let your hand drift between your legs while you’re soaking up the steam. If you want men to make passes at you, let them know you’re open to it with your body language and your availability. If you want to come on to someone, do so. Simply know that rejections are possible, and that all you need to do is move on to another opportunity.
Some baths are kind of strict about sex taking place in public areas, like the lounges near the front door, or the pool. Others don’t give a shit. You’ll find guys fucking just about everywhere, like the last days of Rome. The advantage of having even a small changing room is that if you want privacy, you’ll have somewhere to take the guy. And many guys, myself included, like to use their rooms as a base for cruising. I’ll lower the lights on a dimmer switch, if there is one, sit on my bed, and stroke my dick for passers-by to see. If one of them pauses and I like his looks, I’ll invite him in.
Every open door in a corridor is a potential invitation. If you’re looking for a bottom, step into the rooms of the men who are lying face down on their cots, asses in the air. They’re telling you what they’re looking for. If you want to suck dick or get fucked, check out the guys like me who are showing off their erections. See a handsome guy you like? Stick your head in his door and say hello to him as you pass. The worst that could happen is that he’ll turn you down. Psychically damaging as we all know that can be, it really is nothing more than a refusal. Think of what you could gain if he said yes.
If someone’s left the door open and they’re getting it on with another guy, or two or three guys, they want to be watched. Slow down and watch. Or join in.
Just have some sex. That’s what everyone wants in a bathhouse. Get yourself off, get off other guys, enjoy the darkness and the hours away from the drudgery of your everyday life, and have fun. Think of it as a mini-vacation. A mini-vacation with an ever-present smell of poppers.
How to Leave
My simple rule of thumb is to leave when I get bored, or my balls have run dry. You will know when it’s time to go because your body will tell you. If you stay past the eight hours your twenty bucks bought you and the management has to drag you kicking and protesting out of the glory hole maze and send you home, then you are a big old whore and you ought to be sending me your phone number.
It’s not always apparent what you’re supposed to do when you leave a bathhouse, which is why I mention it. If you have a locker, simply dress and take your key (and lock, if you have to) back to the front desk, along with your towel. If you rented a room, get dressed, make sure you have everything you brought, strip your cot of its sheets and pillowcase, and gather them and your towel and make your way to the front desk. Most baths will have a chute or a rolling container of some sort at the desk where you can deposit your linens. Do that and return the key to your clerk. He will sign you out and return your membership card to you, if the establishment has one. Then you’re free to go.
Tomorrow:
Tomorrow I'll look at some tips on behavior while you’re cruising at the baths. Additionally, I'll address any questions you guys may have on today's entry—so let's hear them in the comments.
Well, I can’t always do the latter. But I can do my best to demystify what can be a scary place for some guys—and in the second half of the entry, I’ll stress some points of etiquette that even the frequent bathhouse users often seem to have forgotten.. If you’re a guy with an experience of the bathhouse, you might even chip in your own tips in the comments.
What It Is
A bathhouse, simply, is an establishment at which men gather for sex. It may operate under the euphemism of spa; it might be run as a health club. But they’re bathhouses, or in some locales, the tubs. They’re located usually in larger metropolitan areas. Some cities have several. In many cities, there are none.
Some of the facilities offer amenities to get you through the door—gym equipment, hot tubs, tanning or massage services. Some baths have full-sized pools or outdoor sun decks. Many offer entertainment (though you’re not going to find Bette Midler playing at them anymore), special events, or even holiday meals at a reasonable price.
But make no mistake about it, these establishments exist for men to enjoy sex with each other. The number of features designed to facilitate that particular goal far outweigh the others—so from bathhouse to bathhouse you might find dark rooms in which porn is playing on a loop, or steam rooms or saunas for men to cruise in. There are usually showers of some sort. You might find unlit rooms with seemingly no purpose other than to offer the cover of darkness for men to screw, or gloryhole mazes, or slurp ramps in which men stand on a platform several feet off the floor and stick their dicks through gloryholes in the hope of attracting mouths. There may be sling rooms, or rooms with proper drainage dedicated to piss play.
Most traditional bathhouses have corridor after corridor of small locked rooms that can be rented for a price. They’ll quite often occupy the bulk of the building.
Bathhouses will often run specials to attract men through the doors. They may sponsor social gatherings such as bear runs, or host a college night with discounts for guys with student IDs in order to attract young men (and the older men who admire them). They often run leather nights with discounts for men who show up in chaps and harnesses. You might find some establishments offering holiday parties, or white parties, or blackout parties in which all the lights are turned off and men sort each other out solely by glowing wristbands.
Whatever the theme or amenities, bathhouses usually fall into two types: clothed and unclothed. You can probably figure out the essential difference between them: in an unclothed bathhouse, which is the more common of the two, typically most men will leave their duds in a locker and strut around in nothing more than a towel. There’s usually option at the clothed baths to leave your garments somewhere under lock and key, but most people don’t won’t. They’ll simply drop their pants when they find a partner, and go at it.
How to Get In
Most clubs require not only some sort of fee with every visit, but a membership as well.
The membership isn’t a universal thing, but it’s not uncommon; the establishment will give you an option between a shorter-term membership (anywhere from one month to six months) to one that’s good for a year, or even a lifetime. The cost varies by bathhouse, and goes up with duration. The bathhouse will very likely ask to see your driver’s license when you apply for a membership. There’s no real need to worry about it, though. They want your patronage. They’re not going to call you at home and notify your aged grandmother that goodtime-Chucky hasn’t been seen at Club Gusher for the last month, did he get gonorrhea or something? They’re really not.
Some clubs have a day pass, or a special membership for out-of-towners. Ask at the front desk, when you apply.
A few baths require that you be ‘sponsored’ in order to join. Usually the process involves arriving with an existing member who will vouch for you and your future behavior. If the club to which you’re applying is one of these, make your arrangements beforehand. I’ve also been to other bathhouses that ask new members for membership cards to other baths in other cities. It’s okay if you don’t have one; what the establishment is trying to make certain is that you don’t think they’re something they’re not—in other words, that you’re not going to walk in, see two men fondling each other in a dark corner, and then shriek that you were expecting a Russian baths where the hardest and steamiest things going were the hot rocks for the massages. If you don’t have other membership cards, or if you’re challenged, simply and calmly say that you’ve seen their website and it looks like the kind of place you want to be, or what you’ve seen their advertisements in your local gay magazine. That’s all they want to hear.
After you’ve gone through the rigamarole of paying for a membership, you may be issued a membership card. Remember to bring it back with you on repeat visits. The clerk will ask you to pay for some kind of storage and/or room for a pre-determined period of time (usually eight or ten hours). The cheapest option is usually a locker, for which you’ll be issued a key.
The least expensive room is usually a bare-bones changing room that consists of a cot and a locker and perhaps a small table of some sort. The more expensive ones might have televisions with porn playing, or larger and more comfortable beds and bedding, or mirrored walls or ceilings, or a private bathroom. One facility I’ve visited has gloryhole rooms, in which the occupant can open a pair of shutters covering a popular hole in a dark maze, when he wants to play with some anonymous dick.
Choose what makes you comfortable. I usually like having a room to which I can retire, but some establishments have such large and comfortable public spaces that having only a locker doesn’t seem like a punishment at all.
Announce your choice to the clerk, and fork over the cash. You may be asked to surrender your membership card (you’ll get it back when you exit), and to sign a card or form stating what time you entered. You might be asked to sign the same card on your exit.
Collect your key and step through the inner door. You’re in!
What to Bring
Here’s what not to bring: anything valuable. Don’t bring your laptop, your iPad, those rolls of film from your wedding last week that your new wife wanted you to take to Walgreen’s, jewelry, your best expensive leather jacket, or anything you’ll regret losing. You may not want to bring any more cash than is necessary to get through the front door. That’s up to you.
Yes, you have a locker in which to put your valuables, but you know. Stuff happens. You could fall asleep with someone in your room, and they might snitch that key and make off with your wallet. Just be cautious. Be particularly cautious if you're walking around a clothed bathhouse; it's easy for a thief to slip your wallet or cell phone from your jeans while he's blowing you, or for you to lose track of exactly who has access to your pockets in a dark room. In these establishments, it's best to arrive with the bare minimum.
Do bring lube, and breath mints, and your favorite cock ring. If you have toys you enjoy using on yourself or others, bring those along as well. If you use poppers, you’ll find you’re not alone at the bathhouse. If you want to have safe sex, there are usually condoms available and even given out with your room key. Be prepared to ask guys to use them, if you insist on them. I firmly believe that whether or not to engage in safe sex is your choice, but if you're not careful, there could be some asshole who’s going to try to stealth you and make you feel by teaching you a lesson that he did you a favor, after.
I recommend bringing a pair of flip-flops. The kind that are cheap, easily rinsable with water, and which you don’t mind forgetting, losing, or tossing away. Most of the good establishments clean often and regularly, but I’ve been in some dives in which I was afraid to let my feet touch the mold-covered floors.
What Happens
It helps if you think of your bathhouse adventure not as a desperate attempt to get laid, but as a leisurely adventure. In other words, be prepared to spend a lot of time doing nothing, sometimes.
If you have a locker, store your valuables in it and put on your towel. If you have a room, store your stuff away and make your bed. Then go exploring. Check out the bath’s public areas and scope out the people present. See if any of the movies are to your liking. Try out the sling. Investigate the contours of the dark rooms, and relax in the steam room or sauna for a while.
The other men are there for the same reason you are. They want to have sex. They don’t necessarily want to have it with you—which is something everyone needs to keep in mind—but no one is going to be offended if you masturbate while you watch a movie, or let your hand drift between your legs while you’re soaking up the steam. If you want men to make passes at you, let them know you’re open to it with your body language and your availability. If you want to come on to someone, do so. Simply know that rejections are possible, and that all you need to do is move on to another opportunity.
Some baths are kind of strict about sex taking place in public areas, like the lounges near the front door, or the pool. Others don’t give a shit. You’ll find guys fucking just about everywhere, like the last days of Rome. The advantage of having even a small changing room is that if you want privacy, you’ll have somewhere to take the guy. And many guys, myself included, like to use their rooms as a base for cruising. I’ll lower the lights on a dimmer switch, if there is one, sit on my bed, and stroke my dick for passers-by to see. If one of them pauses and I like his looks, I’ll invite him in.
Every open door in a corridor is a potential invitation. If you’re looking for a bottom, step into the rooms of the men who are lying face down on their cots, asses in the air. They’re telling you what they’re looking for. If you want to suck dick or get fucked, check out the guys like me who are showing off their erections. See a handsome guy you like? Stick your head in his door and say hello to him as you pass. The worst that could happen is that he’ll turn you down. Psychically damaging as we all know that can be, it really is nothing more than a refusal. Think of what you could gain if he said yes.
If someone’s left the door open and they’re getting it on with another guy, or two or three guys, they want to be watched. Slow down and watch. Or join in.
Just have some sex. That’s what everyone wants in a bathhouse. Get yourself off, get off other guys, enjoy the darkness and the hours away from the drudgery of your everyday life, and have fun. Think of it as a mini-vacation. A mini-vacation with an ever-present smell of poppers.
How to Leave
My simple rule of thumb is to leave when I get bored, or my balls have run dry. You will know when it’s time to go because your body will tell you. If you stay past the eight hours your twenty bucks bought you and the management has to drag you kicking and protesting out of the glory hole maze and send you home, then you are a big old whore and you ought to be sending me your phone number.
It’s not always apparent what you’re supposed to do when you leave a bathhouse, which is why I mention it. If you have a locker, simply dress and take your key (and lock, if you have to) back to the front desk, along with your towel. If you rented a room, get dressed, make sure you have everything you brought, strip your cot of its sheets and pillowcase, and gather them and your towel and make your way to the front desk. Most baths will have a chute or a rolling container of some sort at the desk where you can deposit your linens. Do that and return the key to your clerk. He will sign you out and return your membership card to you, if the establishment has one. Then you’re free to go.
Tomorrow:
Tomorrow I'll look at some tips on behavior while you’re cruising at the baths. Additionally, I'll address any questions you guys may have on today's entry—so let's hear them in the comments.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Schoolmarms
Cruising sites are the wild west of the internet. Anything goes in them there parts. They’re dusty and sometimes seemingly deserted; the arbitrary rules on some totally disappear on others, making the whole thing seem lawless. The stage coach pulls into town daily, disgorging a whole new gaggle of passengers who immediately put up profiles proclaiming that they’re not there for hookups, really, don’t ask them, and that they are ONLY there to look at photos and NOTHING ELSE. (Until they’re horny five minutes later from looking at photos, and hitting me up.) It’s every man for himself, in those wild regions of cyberspace.
Every sheep for itself, on some of them.
And they’re pretty uncivil, by and large. It seems as if a lot of the Manhunts and Gay.coms are populated by guys who make rudeness almost into an art form, transforming it in new and always creative ways to get the maximum impact out of an unkind word or obscene gesture. Behind the anonymity of a faceless profile, or a profile sporting a face that belongs to someone else, it’s easy to strike out at someone—it’s easier to think of other cruisers and chatters as abstracts, rather than living and breathing people whose feelings might be hurt. Those moments when a sarcastic remark, a put-down, or a jab at someone’s appearance might elevate a bastard’s ego are totally worth any theoretical pain on the parts of their intended victims.
I get that. I get that guys are tired of putting themselves out there and being shot down, or being treated rudely, or getting the short end of contentious arguments with numbskulls. We all want—and even more importantly, deserve—a little respect.
But gentlemen. Let us not. in our horrified reactions to the incivility we witness, swerve too far in the opposite direction.
I mentally call them ‘Schoolmarm Profiles.’ What they all have in common is the desire to instruct, chastise, and whap the palms of their readers with a sharp-edged ruler in punishment for all the mischief they may or may not have caused. And as rude as I find the if u r old enuf 2 be my dad then dont msg 2 get with me unless you are super hot LOL idiot profiles out there, I find the schoolmarms even more off-putting.
The schoolmarms usually have a litany of musts and must-nots that they’ll gladly list in exquisite detail in their profiles for you. Usually with an abundance of capitalization. I’m excerpting from one:
Or, and I’m quoting again,
Sometimes the schoomarms will take up long, long stretches of screen real estate in their lectures on internet etiquette and propriety. Running through it all is a barely-concealed anger that, boiled down to its essence, sounds like it would be the refrain to a country song: someone done me wrong.
Now, I have some sympathies with what the schoolmarms are often saying. The basics of their messages aren’t wrong. I think it is polite to reply to all the notes I get on these websites. I think a polite ‘no thanks’ is much better than rudeness. And I don’t think that asking for a photos is really too much.
However. I completely support the rights of guys on websites to behave how they want, if they’re not being outright tools. If someone doesn’t want to have a photograph—fine. Don’t have a photograph. I personally won’t be meeting you until I see one, but I can understand that some guys are shy about it, or afraid to show themselves, or worried that a constituent in the congressional district they represent might recognize them from their campaign literature. That’s peachy. Be prepared to get a lot of rejections and to have to explain that you’re worried your grandmother who doesn’t have internet access might run across your fisting4dollars.com account, but it’s totally your life and your right to do what you want with it.
Likewise, though I think it’s polite to reply to every email I get on a cruising site, I don’t always do it. Though typically I’ll reply to just about anyone who’s not unpleasant with a thank-you or a nice remark, guys who are dicks I’ll simply ignore. And if someone’s aggressively obnoxious, I’ll either decline to engage with them. If it’s a guy writing to tell me I’m not following the rules he’s decided to enforce in this particular little corner of the internet, well, I’ll probably block him from communicating with me altogether.
As much as I’d like everyone to be nice and pleasant with each other, I have this basic resistance to anyone else controlling my reactions and attempting to dictate how I live my life, even on something as trivial as a hookup site. If you’re not paying my fifteen dollars a month to belong to Manhunt, you have no right to tell me how to use it or what I can do there. If you were paying it, probably still not even then would I let you.
It seems to me that, as with so many other things, setting a good example is the best way to avoid the spiky officiousness of even the best-intentioned schoolmarmery. Say something like, I answer all messages! and leave it at that. No one needs to know that anyone who doesn’t behave like you is a fool who deserves to be shunned. Be polite. Let your personal philosophy shine through your actions, not be codified in an impenetrable wall of text.
The internet is wilderness enough. We don’t need the schoolmarms dashing about with their canes and rulers, meting out justice.
Every sheep for itself, on some of them.
And they’re pretty uncivil, by and large. It seems as if a lot of the Manhunts and Gay.coms are populated by guys who make rudeness almost into an art form, transforming it in new and always creative ways to get the maximum impact out of an unkind word or obscene gesture. Behind the anonymity of a faceless profile, or a profile sporting a face that belongs to someone else, it’s easy to strike out at someone—it’s easier to think of other cruisers and chatters as abstracts, rather than living and breathing people whose feelings might be hurt. Those moments when a sarcastic remark, a put-down, or a jab at someone’s appearance might elevate a bastard’s ego are totally worth any theoretical pain on the parts of their intended victims.
I get that. I get that guys are tired of putting themselves out there and being shot down, or being treated rudely, or getting the short end of contentious arguments with numbskulls. We all want—and even more importantly, deserve—a little respect.
But gentlemen. Let us not. in our horrified reactions to the incivility we witness, swerve too far in the opposite direction.
I mentally call them ‘Schoolmarm Profiles.’ What they all have in common is the desire to instruct, chastise, and whap the palms of their readers with a sharp-edged ruler in punishment for all the mischief they may or may not have caused. And as rude as I find the if u r old enuf 2 be my dad then dont msg 2 get with me unless you are super hot LOL idiot profiles out there, I find the schoolmarms even more off-putting.
The schoolmarms usually have a litany of musts and must-nots that they’ll gladly list in exquisite detail in their profiles for you. Usually with an abundance of capitalization. I’m excerpting from one:
It is a shame that on sights like these we cannot be polite to each other. Polite means REPLYING to EVERY EMAIL YOU GET no matter if you want to meet the guy or not. For example I answer EVERY EMAIL I GET and I expect you to do the same. Is it so hard to answer your mail guys? All you have to do is say NO THANK YOU if you are not interested, be a MAN not a PUNKASS, it isn’t so tough.
Or, and I’m quoting again,
It is 2010 not 1800 so dam fools, GET YOURSELFS A PIC. You got NO CAUSE to be on here without one and I WILL NOT TALK TO YOU if you don’t got one. Also NO SMILES NO WINKS NO BLANK MESSAGES where you just unlock and say nothing. If you disobey any of these rules I will delete your ass!!!
Sometimes the schoomarms will take up long, long stretches of screen real estate in their lectures on internet etiquette and propriety. Running through it all is a barely-concealed anger that, boiled down to its essence, sounds like it would be the refrain to a country song: someone done me wrong.
Now, I have some sympathies with what the schoolmarms are often saying. The basics of their messages aren’t wrong. I think it is polite to reply to all the notes I get on these websites. I think a polite ‘no thanks’ is much better than rudeness. And I don’t think that asking for a photos is really too much.
However. I completely support the rights of guys on websites to behave how they want, if they’re not being outright tools. If someone doesn’t want to have a photograph—fine. Don’t have a photograph. I personally won’t be meeting you until I see one, but I can understand that some guys are shy about it, or afraid to show themselves, or worried that a constituent in the congressional district they represent might recognize them from their campaign literature. That’s peachy. Be prepared to get a lot of rejections and to have to explain that you’re worried your grandmother who doesn’t have internet access might run across your fisting4dollars.com account, but it’s totally your life and your right to do what you want with it.
Likewise, though I think it’s polite to reply to every email I get on a cruising site, I don’t always do it. Though typically I’ll reply to just about anyone who’s not unpleasant with a thank-you or a nice remark, guys who are dicks I’ll simply ignore. And if someone’s aggressively obnoxious, I’ll either decline to engage with them. If it’s a guy writing to tell me I’m not following the rules he’s decided to enforce in this particular little corner of the internet, well, I’ll probably block him from communicating with me altogether.
As much as I’d like everyone to be nice and pleasant with each other, I have this basic resistance to anyone else controlling my reactions and attempting to dictate how I live my life, even on something as trivial as a hookup site. If you’re not paying my fifteen dollars a month to belong to Manhunt, you have no right to tell me how to use it or what I can do there. If you were paying it, probably still not even then would I let you.
It seems to me that, as with so many other things, setting a good example is the best way to avoid the spiky officiousness of even the best-intentioned schoolmarmery. Say something like, I answer all messages! and leave it at that. No one needs to know that anyone who doesn’t behave like you is a fool who deserves to be shunned. Be polite. Let your personal philosophy shine through your actions, not be codified in an impenetrable wall of text.
The internet is wilderness enough. We don’t need the schoolmarms dashing about with their canes and rulers, meting out justice.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Cruising 101: Online Cyber-Bravery
I wrote yesterday’s entry because I receive a lot of questions from guys who keep up with my blog. The regular Ann Landers of hookup etiquette, that’s me.
As simple and natural as meeting guys online is for a lot of us, though, I know quite well that it’s a minefield laden with explosive and scary dangers, for others. But everyone has to start somewhere, right?
One of Breeder’s Readers wrote me this week with this question:
You seem so optimistic, advising that a guy should walk up to someone and say, "Can I help you discover your inner bottom?" Why do so many guys resist the suggestion that they be so forward?
As I discussed yesterday, I think it’s perfectly possible to be a successful and popular top without having to be forward at all. Walking up to guys in a bar, or at a cocktail party, or in some beer tent at a Pride celebration, is no easy prospect for a lot of us. In some contexts, it’s easier to be bold than others. In a bathhouse, or perhaps at an adult bookstore, it might be simple to figure out what guys are interested in. At the baths you might see a guy lying in a sling with his ass exposed to the world. You can pretty much guess he’s there to be fucked. That fellow rubbing the bulge in his jeans right in front of a glory hole at the bookstore? You can guess he wants some oral attention. The fellow in the suit sporting a comb-over and a ginormous pair of sunglasses, even indoors? He’s either a conservative gay-baiting televangelist or a local elected representative, looking for a hustler to pee on him. Make sure to take blackmail photos.
Less sexually-charged atmospheres are a little trickier, though. I can make conversation with just about anyone without fear, but even I would balk and turn pale at the prospect of walking up to a stranger and uttering the words, “Can I help you discover your inner bottom?” Yikes. Just couldn’t do it. Which is one of the reasons that online cruising is, for the timid, probably the easiest path to gettin’ some.
Being brave in real life requires a lot of things. Motor coordination, to control your legs as you walk over to the guy and sidle up to him in a suave way, not to mention for your arms to keep yourself from spilling your drink all over his too-tight shirt. Verbal skills, so that you say something smooth and cool instead blurting out the little dream fantasy you had over by the pinball machine about growing old in a log cabin the two of you built together with your own four hands. Approaching someone in the flesh involves being able to keep track of the stuff he’s actually saying so that you don’t end up staring at him and blurting out the non-sequitur, “You smell good.” Then you’ve got to be able to ask the guy to come home with you, which can be terrifying for the novice—and worst of all, you need to be able to remain graceful if he turns you down, instead of sinking into the floor and melting away from shame.
That can all be pretty heady stuff. Online, though, you can do all of those things without leaving the comfort of the toilet from which you’re cruising while you take a dump. (No, wait, you do that too, right? It’s not just me?) You don't have to be forward. You don’t have to be dressed well. You don’t have to have your hair just so. You don’t have to smell of cologne, or to have brushed your teeth.
In other words, if you’re trying to pick someone up on an online adult site, you only have to possess a fraction of the courage it would take in person to accomplish the same thing. If you’re a top, as I mentioned yesterday, all you really have to do is have a few clear photos, an inviting paragraph about what you’re interested in, and to advertise yourself as a top. Your inbox will be flooded by the time the ad is approved. Tops are in demand.
If you’re a bottom, you may find yourself having to track down the fewer numbers of tops and enticing them to you. This is where you can be cyber-brave.
Most sites have a function on them in which you can send some kind of signal of interest with a minimum of investment. On Manhunt, it’s the wink. On Adam4Adam, it’s the smile. On other sites, there might be a local custom that you unlock your private photos, if you have any, to express your interest. In any case, you click a button, and within a moment the target of your interest has a message in his inbox that lets him know you looked at his profile and liked it. If the recipient is someone like me and you haven’t been annoying, he’ll be polite and say, “Hey, thanks for the wink!” Or at least he’ll wink back, if he’s in a hurry (like I am sometimes).
A lot of men on these sites aren’t me, however. Some of them have forbidding profiles that will say something like, ABSOLUTELY NO WINKS. These guys are basically offended that you’re not going to nut up and say hello to them. They’ve got a point, but I don't entirely get the animosity—a friendly hello is a friendly hello, in my book. When you’re being cyber-brave, writing someone a quick note doesn’t take that much more cyber-courage than hitting the wink button. You don’t have to mention that log cabin, or give the guy your life history. You don’t even have to propose sex. Keep it simple, and keep it short. Something like this will do:
I was looking at the profiles of guys in my areas and had to tell you what incredible photos you have. Thanks for sharing!
What man could resist replying to such a nice compliment? If he does, he’s probably a dick and you’re better off without him. If you’re feeling bold, you can try something like this:
Your profile’s amazing and our interests are pretty similar. If you get a chance, check out mine and let me know if you’d be interested in getting together sometime.
It’s to the point. It’s flattering to the guy you’re trying to seduce. If he expresses interest, all you need do is talk about the place and the time. If he ignores you or declines, it might sting for a few minutes, but honestly, have you lost any dignity? Not really. You were polite and gave it a shot. You didn’t say anything that the guy’s going to be snickering at with his bar buddies. All you need do is pick yourself up and move on to the next profile you find attractive. It’s that simple.
Now, there are probably a few things you should not do. I’ll cover a couple.
1) If your profile has no photos, don’t be surprised if you get no response. Even I, polite as I am, rarely respond to profiles that have either no information or no pictures (unless the guy opens with, I have photos to send you if you have an email address to share). Also, don’t be surprised if people block you when your opening salvo is a curt, UNLOCK YOUR OTHER PICS.
2) Don’t be passive-aggressive. If you send a nice note at first and don’t get a response, don’t follow it up five minutes later with one that reads, Hello? and then another every five minutes after that, adding more question marks each time until finally you finish up with a sad sack Well I guess you aren’t interested. As I said yesterday, a lot of the time, some of us (especially popular tops) aren’t really clinging to the browser, waiting for replies. The more emails you send trying to provoke us into a response, quite frankly, the less likely we are to write back. If your emails have a barely-veiled hostile tone that make your lack of sex my fault, like, So are we EVER going to fuck?, my answer is likely to be a hearty no. The moment I can smell someone trying to manipulate me into responding by being downtrodden and trampled-upon is the moment I put someone on my ignore list.
3) Definitely don’t be psycho. If you send someone a quick message of interest and get no response or a polite demurral, please don’t take out your frustrations on the guy by writing back an angry letter venting all your frustrations about not getting laid and the male sex in general. And for the love of god, don’t write out your misery by saying in your profile in all capital letters, WHY ARE ALL THE ONLINE MEN SUCH TOTAL DICKS? You’re not doing anyone any harm but yourself.
4) Don’t hound the poor guy. This is probably my pet peeve with a lot of men on cruising sites. There are certain guys I know, if I see them online, will immediately message me with something like, Are you free now?? Being persistent is one thing, and can be accomplished without badgering. Mail the guy with something like, Hey, nice to see you again. I hope you’ve been having a great week. If he’s searching and interested, he’ll write back. Don’t drive him offline with an immediate and unrelenting So can we fuck today??? (And trust me, you can run guys offline that way . . . or force them to put you on their ignore lists.)
If you’re considerate, have an ounce or two of human decency, employ what sense of humor you have, and don’t try to project a persona online that’s not your own, you will eventually be successful. Not every time. Not every day. But you will be successful in hooking up. You need not have the body of a Greek god. I mean, jeez, look at me. You need not have an enormous dick, or the most experienced hole, or a perfect face, or a cute accent. Being genuine, and cyber-brave (which we established is much easier than being brave in person, remember), and avoiding the pitfalls of whininess, passive-aggression, and just plain freakazoid behavior will win you fans. Myself included.
Heck, in fact, try out your cyber-bravery skills on one of my profiles, if you need the practice. Just make sure to have at least one dirty photo. The Breeder likes his eye candy.
As simple and natural as meeting guys online is for a lot of us, though, I know quite well that it’s a minefield laden with explosive and scary dangers, for others. But everyone has to start somewhere, right?
One of Breeder’s Readers wrote me this week with this question:
You seem so optimistic, advising that a guy should walk up to someone and say, "Can I help you discover your inner bottom?" Why do so many guys resist the suggestion that they be so forward?
As I discussed yesterday, I think it’s perfectly possible to be a successful and popular top without having to be forward at all. Walking up to guys in a bar, or at a cocktail party, or in some beer tent at a Pride celebration, is no easy prospect for a lot of us. In some contexts, it’s easier to be bold than others. In a bathhouse, or perhaps at an adult bookstore, it might be simple to figure out what guys are interested in. At the baths you might see a guy lying in a sling with his ass exposed to the world. You can pretty much guess he’s there to be fucked. That fellow rubbing the bulge in his jeans right in front of a glory hole at the bookstore? You can guess he wants some oral attention. The fellow in the suit sporting a comb-over and a ginormous pair of sunglasses, even indoors? He’s either a conservative gay-baiting televangelist or a local elected representative, looking for a hustler to pee on him. Make sure to take blackmail photos.
Less sexually-charged atmospheres are a little trickier, though. I can make conversation with just about anyone without fear, but even I would balk and turn pale at the prospect of walking up to a stranger and uttering the words, “Can I help you discover your inner bottom?” Yikes. Just couldn’t do it. Which is one of the reasons that online cruising is, for the timid, probably the easiest path to gettin’ some.
Being brave in real life requires a lot of things. Motor coordination, to control your legs as you walk over to the guy and sidle up to him in a suave way, not to mention for your arms to keep yourself from spilling your drink all over his too-tight shirt. Verbal skills, so that you say something smooth and cool instead blurting out the little dream fantasy you had over by the pinball machine about growing old in a log cabin the two of you built together with your own four hands. Approaching someone in the flesh involves being able to keep track of the stuff he’s actually saying so that you don’t end up staring at him and blurting out the non-sequitur, “You smell good.” Then you’ve got to be able to ask the guy to come home with you, which can be terrifying for the novice—and worst of all, you need to be able to remain graceful if he turns you down, instead of sinking into the floor and melting away from shame.
That can all be pretty heady stuff. Online, though, you can do all of those things without leaving the comfort of the toilet from which you’re cruising while you take a dump. (No, wait, you do that too, right? It’s not just me?) You don't have to be forward. You don’t have to be dressed well. You don’t have to have your hair just so. You don’t have to smell of cologne, or to have brushed your teeth.
In other words, if you’re trying to pick someone up on an online adult site, you only have to possess a fraction of the courage it would take in person to accomplish the same thing. If you’re a top, as I mentioned yesterday, all you really have to do is have a few clear photos, an inviting paragraph about what you’re interested in, and to advertise yourself as a top. Your inbox will be flooded by the time the ad is approved. Tops are in demand.
If you’re a bottom, you may find yourself having to track down the fewer numbers of tops and enticing them to you. This is where you can be cyber-brave.
Most sites have a function on them in which you can send some kind of signal of interest with a minimum of investment. On Manhunt, it’s the wink. On Adam4Adam, it’s the smile. On other sites, there might be a local custom that you unlock your private photos, if you have any, to express your interest. In any case, you click a button, and within a moment the target of your interest has a message in his inbox that lets him know you looked at his profile and liked it. If the recipient is someone like me and you haven’t been annoying, he’ll be polite and say, “Hey, thanks for the wink!” Or at least he’ll wink back, if he’s in a hurry (like I am sometimes).
A lot of men on these sites aren’t me, however. Some of them have forbidding profiles that will say something like, ABSOLUTELY NO WINKS. These guys are basically offended that you’re not going to nut up and say hello to them. They’ve got a point, but I don't entirely get the animosity—a friendly hello is a friendly hello, in my book. When you’re being cyber-brave, writing someone a quick note doesn’t take that much more cyber-courage than hitting the wink button. You don’t have to mention that log cabin, or give the guy your life history. You don’t even have to propose sex. Keep it simple, and keep it short. Something like this will do:
I was looking at the profiles of guys in my areas and had to tell you what incredible photos you have. Thanks for sharing!
What man could resist replying to such a nice compliment? If he does, he’s probably a dick and you’re better off without him. If you’re feeling bold, you can try something like this:
Your profile’s amazing and our interests are pretty similar. If you get a chance, check out mine and let me know if you’d be interested in getting together sometime.
It’s to the point. It’s flattering to the guy you’re trying to seduce. If he expresses interest, all you need do is talk about the place and the time. If he ignores you or declines, it might sting for a few minutes, but honestly, have you lost any dignity? Not really. You were polite and gave it a shot. You didn’t say anything that the guy’s going to be snickering at with his bar buddies. All you need do is pick yourself up and move on to the next profile you find attractive. It’s that simple.
Now, there are probably a few things you should not do. I’ll cover a couple.
1) If your profile has no photos, don’t be surprised if you get no response. Even I, polite as I am, rarely respond to profiles that have either no information or no pictures (unless the guy opens with, I have photos to send you if you have an email address to share). Also, don’t be surprised if people block you when your opening salvo is a curt, UNLOCK YOUR OTHER PICS.
2) Don’t be passive-aggressive. If you send a nice note at first and don’t get a response, don’t follow it up five minutes later with one that reads, Hello? and then another every five minutes after that, adding more question marks each time until finally you finish up with a sad sack Well I guess you aren’t interested. As I said yesterday, a lot of the time, some of us (especially popular tops) aren’t really clinging to the browser, waiting for replies. The more emails you send trying to provoke us into a response, quite frankly, the less likely we are to write back. If your emails have a barely-veiled hostile tone that make your lack of sex my fault, like, So are we EVER going to fuck?, my answer is likely to be a hearty no. The moment I can smell someone trying to manipulate me into responding by being downtrodden and trampled-upon is the moment I put someone on my ignore list.
3) Definitely don’t be psycho. If you send someone a quick message of interest and get no response or a polite demurral, please don’t take out your frustrations on the guy by writing back an angry letter venting all your frustrations about not getting laid and the male sex in general. And for the love of god, don’t write out your misery by saying in your profile in all capital letters, WHY ARE ALL THE ONLINE MEN SUCH TOTAL DICKS? You’re not doing anyone any harm but yourself.
4) Don’t hound the poor guy. This is probably my pet peeve with a lot of men on cruising sites. There are certain guys I know, if I see them online, will immediately message me with something like, Are you free now?? Being persistent is one thing, and can be accomplished without badgering. Mail the guy with something like, Hey, nice to see you again. I hope you’ve been having a great week. If he’s searching and interested, he’ll write back. Don’t drive him offline with an immediate and unrelenting So can we fuck today??? (And trust me, you can run guys offline that way . . . or force them to put you on their ignore lists.)
If you’re considerate, have an ounce or two of human decency, employ what sense of humor you have, and don’t try to project a persona online that’s not your own, you will eventually be successful. Not every time. Not every day. But you will be successful in hooking up. You need not have the body of a Greek god. I mean, jeez, look at me. You need not have an enormous dick, or the most experienced hole, or a perfect face, or a cute accent. Being genuine, and cyber-brave (which we established is much easier than being brave in person, remember), and avoiding the pitfalls of whininess, passive-aggression, and just plain freakazoid behavior will win you fans. Myself included.
Heck, in fact, try out your cyber-bravery skills on one of my profiles, if you need the practice. Just make sure to have at least one dirty photo. The Breeder likes his eye candy.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Cruising 101: Bottoms to Tops
Two of Breeder’s Readers (that’s what one of my friends calls you guys—I’m thinking of making T-shirts) came at me this week with remarkably similar questions.
My friend Jayson asked, How much time a week to you think you spend on the on-line site and e-mail back and forth sex search management? And an anonymous person wrote and wanted to know, How much time do you spent sex hunting? With the amount you fuck, it’s got to be a lot.
My short answer is that I spend both a lot of time looking for ass, and very little at all. Let me explain.
If I’m hunting for sex online, I take advantage of the sites that let me log on, announce my availability, and then move on to some other activity. I’ll log onto Manhunt, for example, and change my looking-for status from ‘Ask Me’ to ‘Right Now’ or ‘Later Today.’ If I want to cover my bases, I’ll log on to Adam4Adam or BBRT and do the same. Then, because I’m conscientious, I’ll move out of my browser and into my everyday-work computer desktop space, and settle down to do a day’s labor.
Every twenty minutes or so I’ll check back on the sites to see if I’ve gotten any messages. If so, great. If not, I’ll go back to work. Eventually, on good days, I will get someone soliciting sex from me. If I’m interested, we’ll talk about it and hopefully get together with a minimum of emails. If I’m not interested, I’m always polite and friendly about it.
The amount of time I might stay logged onto a site is anywhere from ten minutes to two or three hours. How much of that time will I typically spend poring over profiles, looking at pics, and checking out the prospective guys in my area? Basically none.
One of the reasons I don’t do any active solicitation of my own is that I’m a top guy with a big dick. Trust me, I’m aware how horribly arrogant that sounds. On a certain practical level, however, for every top there are an awful lot of full-time bottom guys, not to mention the versatile men who are only being versatile because tops are in short supply. Going online to one of those sites as a top guy with a big dick—not to mention a nice smile, a pleasant personality, clear and recent photos, and a profile that’s completely filled out—is very much like throwing a bucket of chum into a piranha tank. All the hungry fishies want to sink their teeth into that meat.
And again, although I’m aware how conceited it sounds, if you ask any good full-time tops in large metropolitan areas, I think you’re going to get the same answer—we don’t really hunt because the game pretty much comes to us. At least, my top friends have said the same.
If you’re one of those bottom guys on a web site who’s been pining for a top guy to message you, but he never has, take a lesson from me. The guy is probably doing what I do, which is to sit back, play Peggle, and let the offers roll in. He may potentially find you extremely attractive, and want to explore the goods you have to offer, but the laws of supply and demand are such that when he’s casting about for a place to plant his seeds, there’re just a whole lot of plot owners out there already begging him to garden in their back yards.
And what if you’re a naturally reticent bottom, prone to shyness and not really used to approaching guys? If you’re cruising online, I’m afraid you might need to get accustomed to making the first move, with the top men you like. Tomorrow I’ll be talking a little bit more about that, if you’re interested.
My friend Jayson asked, How much time a week to you think you spend on the on-line site and e-mail back and forth sex search management? And an anonymous person wrote and wanted to know, How much time do you spent sex hunting? With the amount you fuck, it’s got to be a lot.
My short answer is that I spend both a lot of time looking for ass, and very little at all. Let me explain.
If I’m hunting for sex online, I take advantage of the sites that let me log on, announce my availability, and then move on to some other activity. I’ll log onto Manhunt, for example, and change my looking-for status from ‘Ask Me’ to ‘Right Now’ or ‘Later Today.’ If I want to cover my bases, I’ll log on to Adam4Adam or BBRT and do the same. Then, because I’m conscientious, I’ll move out of my browser and into my everyday-work computer desktop space, and settle down to do a day’s labor.
Every twenty minutes or so I’ll check back on the sites to see if I’ve gotten any messages. If so, great. If not, I’ll go back to work. Eventually, on good days, I will get someone soliciting sex from me. If I’m interested, we’ll talk about it and hopefully get together with a minimum of emails. If I’m not interested, I’m always polite and friendly about it.
The amount of time I might stay logged onto a site is anywhere from ten minutes to two or three hours. How much of that time will I typically spend poring over profiles, looking at pics, and checking out the prospective guys in my area? Basically none.
One of the reasons I don’t do any active solicitation of my own is that I’m a top guy with a big dick. Trust me, I’m aware how horribly arrogant that sounds. On a certain practical level, however, for every top there are an awful lot of full-time bottom guys, not to mention the versatile men who are only being versatile because tops are in short supply. Going online to one of those sites as a top guy with a big dick—not to mention a nice smile, a pleasant personality, clear and recent photos, and a profile that’s completely filled out—is very much like throwing a bucket of chum into a piranha tank. All the hungry fishies want to sink their teeth into that meat.
And again, although I’m aware how conceited it sounds, if you ask any good full-time tops in large metropolitan areas, I think you’re going to get the same answer—we don’t really hunt because the game pretty much comes to us. At least, my top friends have said the same.
If you’re one of those bottom guys on a web site who’s been pining for a top guy to message you, but he never has, take a lesson from me. The guy is probably doing what I do, which is to sit back, play Peggle, and let the offers roll in. He may potentially find you extremely attractive, and want to explore the goods you have to offer, but the laws of supply and demand are such that when he’s casting about for a place to plant his seeds, there’re just a whole lot of plot owners out there already begging him to garden in their back yards.
And what if you’re a naturally reticent bottom, prone to shyness and not really used to approaching guys? If you’re cruising online, I’m afraid you might need to get accustomed to making the first move, with the top men you like. Tomorrow I’ll be talking a little bit more about that, if you’re interested.
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