Monday, July 2, 2018

Butterflies and Boners


I’m standing in the lobby of an NYU basement theater. A show’s just let out. Men and women are buzzing in small groups, comparing notes about what they’ve just seen, then dissipating upstairs toward the exit in singles and pairs. I’m alone for the moment. My other half has joined a long line for the powder room, leaving me leaning against a pillar to study the crowd.

I don’t have long to wait before I spy them. Twenty, twenty-five feet away, two men walking side by side as they leave the show. The younger one smiles into the eyes of his boyfriend, listening to something he’s got to say. Neither glances in my direction as they pass. Toward the stairs to the street they stride, perfectly in sync, right foot to right foot, left to left, as they softly converse.

I’m aware I’m staring. I can’t stop.

Just turn your head, I tell myself. Look anywhere else. Close your eyes.

Unable to heed my own advice, I stare without blinking as they climb to the first landing. The younger man still doesn’t look around—yet when he raises his hand and places it on his lover’s back, I feel as if he does so knowing I’m watching. Their display of intimacy has nothing to do with me. I know that. The deliberateness of younger man’s gesture, though, makes me react with a sharp intake of breath, as if I’ve been slapped.

Past my half-century mark, sometimes happiness seems rationed. The moments are doled out in microdoses, in the tickle of joy from music I love, in the glow of conversation with someone I admire, in the sharp anticipatory pang before a good meal. Even these pleasures seem well-trodden, though. Habitual. Familiar.

But oh, life manages to find endless fresh ways to make me hurt. It’s always discovering tender, unscarred flesh where its talons might dig. As I watch these two ascend the stairs, the younger man’s palm glued to the base of his boyfriend’s spine, how I ache—and how the unexpected agony rakes through every fiber in ways I’ve never before felt. Tears prickle behind my eyes. I feel flayed and raw from the pain.

Turn your head, I chide myself, as tenderly as possible. You don’t have to watch.

Again, my face lifeless and dead, I ignore my own good counsel.

Then, a voice. “Honey. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” A moment passes before I blink and register that someone’s speaking to me. It’s one of the several drag queens mingling with the exiting crowd—the one I’d spoken with earlier who thought I looked like Randy Travis. This queen towers over me by an entire head, and I’m six-three; even without her outlandish stilettos, she must clock in at a good six-seven or six-eight. She’s carrying a basket of little gift-bags of skin-care products wrapped in pink and blue cellophane. My attention flicks away from the couple on the stairs to her concerned gaze. “Are you okay . . . Randy?”

The fact that she remembers our previous conversation brings a little smile to my face, involuntary as it might be. “I’m okay,” I tell her. “Thanks.”

But my eyes can’t help wandering back to the two men, who now have reached their summit. The queen turns her coiffed head; together we watch the pair walk toward the June night outside. Soon they’ll disappear, feet by knees by thighs by hips, over the horizon created by the top step.

I’m not even aware that I’m sighing until it’s already happened.

The impossibly tall vision in the black sequined gown puts a hand on my shoulder. “Boy problems, huh?”

My mouth pulls into a wry expression. She nods in sympathy.


Peter first hit me up on Manhunt five years ago. He was a high school senior a month shy of graduation, a kid in the peak throes of adolescent sexual discovery. He’d used the site a few times for unsatisfactory hookups with older men in the rear seats of their cars, or for fumbling blow jobs in the woods, but he needed more. Even if he couldn’t fully articulate his desires then, I knew from my own experiences what he wanted. He wanted to be used and loved and consumed and appreciated, all at once. He wanted someone with confidence enough to follow through, and experience enough to tailor an encounter into something special, instead of regrettable. Peter was a puppy, game for anything, eager to be taught. I was the old dog he fixed on as an ideal teacher.

I reciprocated his desire . . . and then some. It didn’t hurt that Peter was among the dreamiest young men I’d encountered online. When we first started chatting, his face was baby-smooth, his hair sandy and impossibly tousled. He sent me videos he’d made, just for me, of himself jerking off. My dick would strain and yearn as I stared at his fist clenching, vise-like, around his thick shaft. His flat stomach would ripple and heave as he beat. Then he’d shoot rope after thick rope that would land on the light fur sprinkled on his pale chest.

Much as I loved the videos, I looked forward even more to the selfies Peter would share. Peter had a pair of enormous, liquid basset-hound eyes that melted me every time I saw them. They seemed like kind eyes, the eyes of a thoughtful young man; I imagined I could look into those eyes and fathom exactly what he wanted. I wanted nothing more than to make Peter happy. To give him what he wanted, with a paternal affection that was, on my end, sincere. We chatted about seemingly everything, from school to family to video games to sex. I relished our wide-ranging conversations.

But I lived at one end of my little state, and Peter at the other; although I tried a couple of times over the months to arrange something before he left for college in the autumn, we couldn’t seem to make our schedules align.

Summer arrived. I sent Peter a text asking how he was enjoying his time off before university. I never received a reply.

These things happen, I told myself philosophically. If our connection had been meant to happen . . . it would have happened. I thought of Peter more than occasionally, wondering how it would have played out, had our paths crossed. Would he have been the next Scruffy in my life? The next Spencer? Both were young men who’d responded to the energy I’d brought to the bedroom. There was something about Peter, about the sweet way he communicated, about the way he seemed to hunger for me, that reminded me of them.

Maybe, though, I’m projecting. I don’t really know what Peter desired, back then. Perhaps I idealized him merely because I wanted to be hungered for by a beautiful boy. I needed someone covered in sweat and semen to look at me with dazed love in his eyes, the way Scruffy had. I longed for someone to take care of and protect, as I had with Spencer. It’s not beyond possibility that I’d taken all those abstract yearnings and imprinted them onto the first boy I encountered with a pair of soulful eyes.


It was a year later before my path once more crossed with Peter’s. He texted me to say he was still in college; he’d joined an a cappella group. He had a thirty-six-year-old boyfriend. The most perfect relationship, he called it. Totally monogamous. Hearing the news caused a pang. It hurts, knowing someone you’ve wanted is off the market. In his next breath, though, Peter told me he still thought about me. Three messages later, he was sending me more movies in which he pleasured himself.

Once again, I was breathless at the sight and fantasy of the boy. During that year of his silence I’d convinced myself our relationship would remain unconsummated. Yet here he was, showing himself off to me, telling me how badly he wanted my cock in his throat. Despite the so-called perfect relationship, it seemed to be me that Peter really wanted. I was flattered.

Without much effort on his part, Peter had rekindled my desire for him. But a month later he was off again to study abroad.

I’d damped down those fires before. I could do it again. What choice did I have?

A year and a half of silence. Then, out of the blue one day, I received a message on BBRT. I didn’t recognize the profile name. The boy writing said that he’d been reading my blog, and decided to check me out on the site because he admired my writing so much. He wasn’t quite sure, and if he was wrong, he apologized, but was it possible that I might be the same handsome man he used to talk to when he was younger?

It was with a weightless feeling of suspense that I clicked on his profile. It was Peter again. Of course. Peter, admiring my photos on a bareback site. Peter, telling me that he hoped the famous sex blogger was the same as the man he’d always desired inside him. I told him that yes indeed, he was talking to the same man. Once again gave him my phone number.

Peter’s previous relationship had ended as disastrously as possible, he told me. Now he had another boyfriend—older— and they were exclusive. But, he told me, if it were ever to open up, he wanted to explore every inch of my body with his hands and mouth. He had fond memories of our chats, he said, and such lust for me. . . .

I must be a foolish man, I think, so easily to swallow the candied words a pretty boy feeds me. Yet over the next two weeks I fell back into the old pattern I'd always shared with Peter. I trod the same steps in which he’d led me before. I voiced my desire for him. I let him flatter me over the blog, and the way my words made him feel. I sighed with desire when he texted his latest videos and photos, and listened as he would speak glowingly about his latest perfect relationship with his new older boyfriend. Then, with his next breath, Peter would confide he wished he was curled up naked next to me, with no space at all between my groin and his ass.

Could we meet again for coffee or a meal? Perhaps reconnect and get to know each other again? When was I free? He would do anything to reestablish our relationship in a casual way—though it would be so hot to get sexual with me. On the turn of a dime, Peter would pivot from reminding me that he was exclusive with his boyfriend, to wishing I would just shove three fingers up his ass, then paint his guts with my monster dick. He wanted me fisting him. Fucking him. Breeding him. Every time my phone buzzed during those weeks and I’d see Peter’s name at the top of my screen, I’d end up with a wet spot in my trunks.

Then, without warning, he stopped answering my texts. Another year would pass before I heard from him.


I’d fallen into a comfortable pattern with Peter over the years. He’d resurface, express his desire for me, entice me to open up both my heart and my zipper . . . and then vanish for months or years. I told myself I didn’t mind. I reckoned our union would take place when it was meant to take place. His reappearances made me happy during a few years when happiness was difficult to find. I didn’t try to coerce him into meeting, though I hoped it would happen. Forcing something fragile or elusive ruins its sweet simplicity. One doesn’t grab at a soap bubble to possess it, after all.

With each hiatus, I would be mildly disappointed—but not so devastated that I wanted to discontinue the friendship. I convinced myself life with a Peter in it, no matter how remote he may be, was better than a life without. When Peter would resurface, I’d relish our chatty text exchanges. I’d whimper helplessly at the new photos he’d send. For weeks at a time he’d be the rudder to my libido, giving it direction, drive, force. Then when he’d disappear, I’d remind myself that we’d reconnect. Eventually. Sometime.

The last sometime was in winter of this year, after a year and a half of silence. Toward the end of a rare bachelor week for me, I was sitting for lunch in a pizza joint, waiting for my pie and browsing Instagram. I saw that Peter had sent me a message on the app. After I reminded him of my phone number for the—what? fourth? fifth?—time in as many years, we resumed texting. He was back in New York for graduate school, he told me. He was still in a relationship with the same older man he’d been seeing the last time we talked. But now their relationship wasn’t exclusive, and Peter was now on PrEP. More to the point, Peter was alone that afternoon until six. Wouldn’t I like to come down to the East Village and fuck him senseless? Please?

I considered bolting from my seat right then and there. The invitation wasn’t practical, though. Even if I were to inhale the lunch for which I was still waiting (a scenario not entirely implausible, as anyone would tell you who’s actually seen me attack a pizza) it would still have taken me a minimum of a half hour to get home and changed. A commute into the city and a subway jaunt down the Lexington Avenue line, followed by the briskest of walks to Peter’s address would have carved away a couple of hours more . . . leaving how much time for us to play? An hour? An hour wasn’t much time at all.

He understood. I told him the times of day I was likely to be available during the upcoming two weeks. He informed me that his current job was ending soon and that as of the Monday after next, he’d be one hundred percent available to accommodate me during the daytime.

I happened to have a meeting in the Village that very same Monday, so we made a date to meet.

Finally, after so many years, I had a solid, confirmed date with the boy I’d been chasing. The notion that after long waiting I’d be solidifying our long relationship sustained me during those two long weeks. In the interim, Peter and I kept in touch almost daily. I listened with pangs of actual jealousy as he outlined his sexual adventures under the new open relationship he was enjoying with his boyfriend. He was giddy with excitement as he told me about making out with his current (and soon-to-be ex-) boss. I heard all the gory details about a three-way which he’d planned. I held back my feelings of envy when he texted me about a sex party he was planning to attend with the boyfriend, and silenced my grim satisfaction when the boyfriend’s work schedule forced them to cancel. Any pangs I felt, though, were dulled by the prospect of my own gratification, come that Monday.

I didn’t hear anything from Peter the entire weekend before we were supposed to meet. Vaguely wary, and smelling that something was up, I texted him Sunday night to ask if we were getting together the next day.

I figured we were still on! I want you deep in me, I want your seed deep in me, I want to finally explore what we've been talking about for so long, he texted. But there was an issue he hadn’t addressed with me. Though he was free to take cock, his arrangement with his boyfriend specified that any sex he had with other men had to be with condoms only. He was willing to break that rule with me and not tell his boyfriend, but he was worried he’d feel guilty afterward.

I’m so protective of you that the prospect of doing anything that will make you feel badly, or affect you adversely...well, I’d rather sacrifice my own wishes to avoid that, I texted. If you’d still like to hang out tomorrow and cuddle and kiss and talk it out, I’d be fine with that.

He wrote, Come over. We could find a cafe around here, or you could come over and we could chat and cuddle and kiss. I'd like that a lot. Though I'm also sure my clothes won't last long on me if you do come over….

I knew they wouldn’t.

I was being a true gentleman. It’s the way I was raised. Just as I’d convinced myself that any amount of Peter in my life was better than no Peter, I figured cuddling with Peter would be better than my usual pre-meeting lonely ritual of aimless wandering and a solitary dinner. But after all of Peter’s sex parties and makeout sessions with his boss, I worried I was just a number in some sexual rampage brought about by his newfound open relationship. I decided to be blunt about how fragile my feelings were: The prospect of meeting you, even just to do PG-13 things, is very special for me. I’m not usually a blatant seeker of validation, but I just kind of hope the encounter might be special for you as well, at least a little bit. Fuck. I sound like an idiot.

My heart beat a little faster at his reply. I don't think I've waited so long to meet anyone, and you've always been careful and mentoring toward me. I appreciate you and the care you've shown. It will be a special moment, absolutely.

I went to bed that night a happy man.

The next morning Peter sent me a text. He was hoping I wouldn’t resent him for the news he was about to drop, but his boyfriend was taking a half-day off work. Peter couldn’t host me after all.

Naturally, I was crestfallen. I’d generated so much anticipation over the preceding two weeks; to have it all taken away a mere two hours before we were supposed to get together seemed cruel. I'm not in the least resentful, I told him. Disappointed, sure, but it's better to know now. My optimism is undimmed!

Us meeting is special. I've been looking forward to it, he wrote back. Even in the anxious and mixed signals moments, there were both butterflies and boners. And still are!

I smiled at Peter’s text. Butterflies and boners seemed to sum up my feelings, too. For our meeting I’d been planning to head into the city at lunchtime. With the change in schedule, I postponed my commute until mid-afternoon.

At midday he texted again. The boyfriend couldn’t get the afternoon off. The apartment was free. Peter would love to see me if I could make it!

Rapidly, I recalculated my plans. Sure, I told him. I could be there at two-thirty. The butterflies and boners reappeared. I hopped into the shower and made sure everything was extra-clean.

When I got out of the shower, I found another text waiting for me. While I'd bathed, Peter’s brother had magically appeared in town, he told me. He knew he was being a bad friend and a bad eventual lover . . . but he really should be prioritizing family. Would I be horribly upset if Peter spent the afternoon with the brother he hadn’t seen in months?

I didn’t even have to think twice. I considered Peter a friend. Real friends looked out for each other. Of course he should spend time with his brother, I told him. He shouldn’t even consider meeting me.
I accept responsibility if this damages anything between us, he replied.

Sure. I was disappointed. The last few hours had been nothing but ups and downs and reversals. But surely this was the last of the bumps in the road in our reunion, right? You gave me plenty of notice and you keep communication at the forefront, I reassured him. I absolve you of any guilt.

I went about my business that afternoon as usual. Ate my solitary dinner, went to my meeting, took the train home. I thought about texting you while I was in the city, I told Peter later that night. But I didn’t want you feeling badly.

You’re welcome to text me anytime, he said. Goodnight.

I went to bed at the end of that long day feeling nothing but fondness for the kid. I took him at his word and reached out the next day, to see how he was doing. No reply.

A few days later, I wished him a happy weekend. No reply.

Ten days dragged by. Nothing. Not a day passed that I wondered if this might be when Peter got back to me. He wasn’t working, after all. We’d been texting casually back and forth every day before that abortive Monday.

Every other time Peter had vanished from my life, this is how it had started. For the first time in five years with the kid, I felt as if I’d been made a fool.

Sending any more unreciprocated texts would at this point make me feel creepy, I finally wrote him. I hope you’re well and remain so. And I hope our paths will cross again sometime.


This silence was different from all the other hiatuses Peter had taken. This silence felt personal. Every day that I checked my phone to find no texts from him, every day I looked at Instagram to see if he’d posted another selfie with other friends—his real friends—I felt more and more slighted. The experience reminded me of the day in second grade that my teachers and parents decided that I’d been peering at the chalkboard in a funny way, and taken me to an optometrist. When the lenses came down in front of my eyes, my fuzzy view of the world swung into sharp relief. I could see edges and shadows I hadn’t before. For unfocused years I’d believed that a little Peter in my life was better than no Peter at all. Now I had to question that assumption. Seeing things more clearly caused me pain.

I told a friend about it. “It’s the boyfriend,” he said as surely as if he’d been a fly on the wall in their East Village apartment. “Fuck yeah, this whole thing’s about the boyfriend. He probably found out something and didn’t like it. The boyfriend’s got all the money, right? The kid lives with him? So if he does something wrong, where’s he end up? Back at mommy and daddy’s? On the street? He doesn’t want that. The kid’s got a good thing going. The boyfriend’s probably even paying his tuition. So he’s got to toe the line now. I bet you.”

There was logic in that remark. Logic couldn’t cut through the melancholy I felt, though. Life had found new ways to wound me, yet again.

I wasn’t depressed because I didn’t get to fuck a hot boy. I’m not that shallow. I wasn’t upset because some adolescent infatuation for Peter had been thwarted either by the boyfriend or by Peter’s own disinterest. I mourned because for years I’d blindly assumed that Peter and I had some kind of bond—affection or desire. Friendship at the very least. Every time I’d welcomed him back into my life, every piece of advice I’d given the kid, every time I sacrificed lust for him for the higher goal of keeping our relationship positive . . . what was the point, exactly, of being a good guy for five years when it was obvious Peter didn’t give a shit?

His ignoring me was a deliberate affront. Every day my resentment grew. When I’d check Peter’s Instagram for new posts (which I did more often than I care to admit), it felt like poking a particularly nasty bruise just to see if it still hurts. Of course it fucking hurts. It’s a bruise. Of course poking makes me grimace, even when I did it knowing the outcome.

I unfollowed him on Instagram, just to remove the temptation.

An entire month passed. Then one afternoon, he texted. Hi, he said. I’m home and looking through my phone, and I saw that I never responded to this. I am in a monogamous relationship now. Some things went down and we are taking time to reset/prioritize/figure things out.

It was indeed the boyfriend, I thought to myself. My friend had nailed it.

While part of me was glad to have my suspicions confirmed, I was still angry. Shit happens at home. Relationships can be rough. Trust me, I know. But when it does, it’s not that tough to tell someone, Hey, I’m sorry I might go silent for a while, but I need to focus on my partner right now, or something like I hope you won’t get upset if I’m quiet for a couple of weeks. You do it before a month goes by. On that back-and-forth Monday I’d told the boy how good he was at giving me notice and communicating . . . but honestly, he’d never been good at it. I’d overpraised him the one time he’d actually done it.

Peter’s pattern was to drift out of my life for years, then suddenly appear with fanfare. He’d announce he was unavailable, then immediately share just enough photos and erotic talk to keep me happily on his hook. Then he’d vanish again. Time after time I’d danced in his little pas de deux. I’d memorized my steps so well that all he’d have to do is start up that sweet siren music, and I’d take his hand and tiptoe happily into place. Was it worth it, that rush of sexual validation at my expense? Was I even the only man he’d treated this way?

I’d had enough.

It took a while to formulate a polite reply. I hope you guys work it out, Peter, I responded, truthfully. I’ve been having difficulty framing a response to your reappearance. Thank you, I guess, for eventually letting me know what’s going on. I didn’t at all feel slighted on the Monday you kept going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth about meeting me. When you ghosted me for a month immediately after, though, I retroactively felt—and still feel—like I’d been jerked around. Nothing in my behavior merited that treatment.

I read it over several times. I tapped send.

And of course—nothing. No reply. No apology. Honestly, I didn’t at all expect anything.


Ever since that Monday when we didn’t connect, I’ve had to tread carefully when I head into the city for my meetings. I stay off East 14th as much as I can when I need to be in Peter’s neighborhood. Automatically I’ll head down Broadway and take side streets to reconnect to my destination. The route might take me a few blocks out of my way, but I’d rather get the extra exercise than risk running into Peter as he made a Trader Joe’s or bank run. Since getting out my feelings in that last text, six weeks ago, I’ve not spent much time moping. Having my say seems to have to given me the closure I needed. I’m careful where I tread—but I think I’m over the kid.

So here it is, another Monday night, though in June. I’ve spent an day off in the city with my other half on a date of sorts—some shopping, a fun dinner, then this show in a rented NYU underground theater. We’ve a friend performing tonight, third-row seats, and I’ve got my camera ready to go.

The show’s a drag pageant. Along a banquet table are a row of cardboard boxes covered in construction paper, each affixed with an 8x10 glossy photo of a drag queen. They’ve all got outrageous names, naturally. A number of queens not participating in the pageant are roaming the lobby as we wait for the house doors to open; they’re selling arm’s-lengths of tickets for ten dollars, for use in the final voting. All the money’s going to charity.

I buy my tickets from an ebony-skinned queen who towers above me. She’s a magnificent sight, squeezed into her black sequined sheath and a pair of painful-looking stilettos. Her wingspan is as wide as she’s tall, so an arm’s-length of tickets from her is basically a good foot-and-a-half more than from anyone else. She’s tearing off the tickets when she settles on one hip and dabs a finger in my direction. “Do I know you?” she asks.

Oh god, I think. I’ve fucked this drag queen.

Ordinarily the conclusion to which I’d jumped would be highly probable, but I’m wrong. The queen puts a gloved finger to her lips. “Are you famous?”

Oh god, I think. She reads my blog.

I’m wrong again. “You look like someone famous. Travis? Someone named Travis? Randy Travis?”

“Randy Travis?” I ask, involuntarily pulling a face. “Seriously?”

“What, you don’t like Randy Travis?”

I’m laughing now, and pulling out my phone. “Randy Travis looks like. . . .” I stab out his name on the keyboard “Randy Travis looks like that.” We both stare at the singer’s photo I’ve brought up on Google, then meet each other's eyes. We break out into simultaneous laughter.

“You do not look like Randy Travis,” she finally agrees. “What’s your name, sugar?”

“Randy,” I retort. We laugh again, and she stalks away on her stilettos to sell more tickets.

I’ve still got a big grin on my face when I turn and see someone approaching.

It’s Peter. The air seems suddenly charged with electricity.

Uncertainty is written plain on his face. Even his step is tentative, as if he’s on a yoyo string and might find himself yanked backward at any moment. “Hi,” he says when he reaches me, along with my name.

“Peter,” I say. I’m still stunned. The worst has happened. Life has lured me into an orchard of fresh humiliations, where the lemons there hang heavy and low and ripe for the picking. Their citrus seems to burn into invisible wounds across my skin. Peter’s here. He’s real. He’s looking at me with those enormous dark eyes as if unsure of what to say or do.

So I open my arms and embrace him. It’s not the embrace of two souls united at last, or even the affirming hug of two friends seeing the other after a long time. It’s more the non-committal clutch of acquaintances, as it should be.

“I’m surprised to see you here,” he says.

“Peter.” I cut in before be can proceed. “This is my other half.” I make an introduction.

“Oh,” is his startled response. “My . . . my boyfriend is over there,” he says, gesturing across the lobby. I look, and recognize the face I’d seen before in Peter’s Instagram feed.

Though I’d been taken aback at his unexpected appearance, I’ve now recovered my composure. I ask Peter questions. Has he been to this event before? Did he know anyone performing? Did he have any favorites? I’m polite, but it’s a bare minimum of courtesy. I’m really asking questions in order not to have to say anything.

“Have a good time, Peter,” I say when I’m done. He looks at me again, not saying whatever it is that he really wants to say. Then he turns those big dark eyes away and stumbles back to his boyfriend.
Inside, I’m trembling when he leaves.

The next day I’m not surprised when Peter sends me the last text I’ve ever received from him. Would you like to try to re-establish contact?

I have to think long and hard of how to temper my response before I reply. I’ve wrestled with this question since you sent it, Peter. I once assumed we were friends, but you’ve not really treated me in a way that speaks of friendship. Perhaps the question is more one you should ask yourself.

I’ve not heard anything since.

As I expected.


“Boy problems, huh?”

People are still streaming out of the theater, invigorated by two hours of high-energy performances. The statuesque black queen stands by my side, watching me stare after Peter and his boyfriend as they ascend the stairs and reach the top step. I nod, frozen to the spot.

“Which one?” she asks. “In the plaid?”

Peter is indeed wearing a white shirt with a light plaid. My nod must be barely visible; I can’t even feel my muscles working. Why am I so sad, I wonder? I haven’t lost anything that was ever really mine.

The boyfriend pauses to look at something in the pageant program. Peter leans over to point; the flat of his other hand rubs up and down the boyfriend’s spine. It strikes me as a possessive move. Ostentatious. As if he knows I’m watching, and wants me to see. Then they resume walking, and vanish over the horizon.

The lightest of touches on my arm brings me back to reality. “Randy. I don't know you.” The queen has cocked her head to look into my eyes. “But do you want to know what Oprah and Maya Angelou taught me?”

I have no idea Makeup? Pilates? Instead, I weakly shake my head and say nothing.

“When people show you who they are, believe them.”

I blink as once again my everything shifts into new clarity. The hiatuses. The yanks on my leash—my dismissals to my kennel. How like a pet I was to Peter—and how stupidly happy I was to chase after any ball he threw for me to fetch. For five years, Peter again and again had shown me who he was. This old dog was too stupid to recognize what was right before his nose all along.

I repeat the words slowly. “When people show you who they are. . . .”

Believe them.” She shakes my wrist. “Now take a gift bag, child. No, take two. I gotta get rid of these things.”

She wafts away in a cloud of perfume and sequins, leaving me with clear vision for the road home.

Monday, June 18, 2018

Close Encounter in Room 155

You know how some guys know how to take a sexy photo? This redhead was one of them.

When I’d arrived only a few days ago at this hotel in the neighborhood of the youth, it had been packed. Groups book it for the weekend, my dad told me; other people visiting the city see it just off I-95 and use it as a weekend stop. I mean, my Grindr had been buzzing constantly the first two days of my visit, from guys less than two dozen feet away. By midweek, though, the place is deserted. Sunday night, every parking space had been occupied. Now the only car in the rear lot is mine. Grindr notifications from men less than a hundred feet away have disappeared.

It’s the last night of my visit with my dad. I’ll have breakfast with him in the morning before I drive back home, but for now I’m back in Room 155, hitting the internet for some sex. I’ve got a couple of nibbles on Grindr, a couple more on Scruff. But no one really piques my interest until this redheaded guy on BBRT hits me up. I’ll worship that magnificent dick and let you fuck me for hours, he tells me as he unlocks his photos. I check them out. They’re great shots, artfully done. Nice physique, I notice, as I run my eyes over the photos of him flexing. His face is shown only in profile, but with that full red beard jutting out at an oblique angle from his chest, he seems attractive enough.

My big dick likes worship, I tell him.

The bigger the better! he writes back. Yours is a monster!

You able to travel? I ask. How long will it take you to get here?

He tells me he’ll be here in ten minutes. I give him the name of my hotel and the room number and run to the bathroom for a quick rinse. I pull on a tee and a pair of shorts. While I’m waiting, I decide to check out the guy’s photos again. Like I said, he knew how to take a sexy shot. The pics are obviously posed and not in the least casual, but they’re showing off his fur and muscles to his best advantage. I’m definitely looking forward to fucking this one.

I’m rubbing myself through my shorts and reading over his profile when a message pops up on BBRT. It’s the redhead. There’s no room 155 here, he says.

What did he mean, there’s no room 155? I was in room 155. I’d been in room 155 all week. I’d had other guys show up at the door with the 155 on it and knock. Are you at the right hotel?

He doesn’t answer. The mobile version of the BBRT site has a geolocation function, so I check out the men nearest me. He’s only 110 feet away. So yeah, he’s at the correct hotel. I’m in Building 2, off the back parking lot, I tell him. There’s a big sign on it that says ‘Building 2.’ If you’re at Building 1 or Building 3, you’re in the wrong building. Clear enough, right?

There’s no room 155, he writes back.

By now I’m baffled. My confused brain is entertaining possibilities that it shouldn’t. Like, did the hotel staff come around and change all the room numbers while I was out with my dad that day? Had I been staying in room 135 all along? I get up, toss on some sandals, and open my door.
155. Just like I thought.

I’m coming to stand outside Building 2, I say, as I pat my pocket to make sure I have my key card. Look for me.

When I reach the end of the hall and step outside into the cool night air, I can see that my car is still the only one in the parking lot. The guy’s probably at one of the other two buildings on the hotel property. It’s not that large a hotel, though; it never was. All I have to do is turn my head one way to see that Building 1 to the south, and Building 3 to the west. The courtyard where I’m standing is in the dead center. No matter where he might be, he should be able to see me eventually. Right?

I’m outside room 155 but you’re not answering, he’s messaged, when I look at the site again.

What the fucking fuck? He can’t be outside my room. I would’ve seen him go in. In fact, I look through the glass door and down my hallway. There’s no one there. Sighing, I head back inside. Nope. He’s definitely not there. For some reason—just because I’m half-convinced that this point that I might be going crazy—I open my door with the key card and poke my head in. Not there either.
You’re not at room 155, I tell him. I’m here.

I’m knocking at the door, he replies within moments.

While I walk back to the courtyard outside, once again I ask him if he’s at the hotel I’d given him. Room 155 is in Building 2, I repeat. There’s only one room 155. You’re not outside it.

I’m knocking at the door and you’re not answering, he says yet again.

The fact that he could be gaslighting me crosses my mind. Yet the BBRT geolocation thing says he’s only 60 feet away. I honestly don’t know what to tell the guy. If a dude is utterly incapable of finding a fucking room in a fucking hotel when I’ve given him every helpful fucking instruction that I could . . . well, I don’t know what else to do. I’m not really into sticking my dick into total morons. Feeling like I should be shutting off my phone and just going to bed, I stomp back to my room (which still is plainly labeled 155) and slam shut the door. Then I kick off my sandals and flounce down on the bed, my brain busily composing multiple messages telling this asshole exactly how to fuck off and go the hell home.

Then there’s a knock at the door.


I’m still simmering with anger when I yank at the knob. “I guess I had the wrong room,” is all he says by way of apology.

“You think?” I say, trying to keep my hostility tamped down. But I don’t stop him from entering.

It’s not until he’s in the little vestibule, with the light from the bathroom on him as he began to strip off his clothing, that I really notice what he looks like. This little redhead has all the components of the guy in his photos, but it’s as if they’ve all been tossed in a box and reassembled in a decidedly unflattering way. Sure, he had the bushy beard, but it looks more like a unkempt mess, scraggly and wan, than the proud bush of his photos. Yeah, he was a ginger. But his hair wasn’t the sexy, vigorous red it had been in his pics. More like weak carrot juice, really.

His muscles—well, he didn’t have any. His chest was furry, yes. I imagine how, if he posed in a certain way that pushed out the flesh, and how, if he cropped his photos artfully (which he had), he might look from certain angles as if he were well-built. I could see how, if he bent a certain way and wore clothing that obstructed parts, he might give the illusion that he had an ass. And though his profile from the side was handsome enough to appear in all his photos, when looked at from the front, the guy’s face made me want to flinch. If Jesse Tyler Ferguson were to have a scrawny, ugly little buck-toothed brother that he had to hide for extended periods in a basement room whenever People or Us Magazine dropped by for interviews . . . well, this guy is what he’d look like.

You know how some guys know how to take a sexy photo? Occasionally it’s because they’re so far from sexy that they learn to feign it.

Oh god. He’s stripped to his underwear. After all those back-and-forth messages and the anger and the Yakety Sax-scored antic chase around the hotel, I was going to have to through with this fucking encounter. God damn it.

Fine. Whatever. It wouldn’t be my first time to close my eyes and think of England. Since he’s already dropping his drawers, I hook my thumbs beneath the elastic of my waistband and yank down my shorts. My dick flops out. It’s only half-hard at this point—and I know, why even that erect when I’ve just been through ten minutes of sex farce staging?—but still, at half-mast my dick is pretty imposing. I’d like to say that the redhead’s eyes bug out when he saw it, but quite frankly, he already has bug eyes. They just bug out even more, and it’s not exactly a pretty sight.

“That’s fucking huge,” he says.

Tell me something I don’t know, googly-eyes, I want to tell him. Instead, I order, “Turn around.”

He obeys. “How big is that cock?”

“Eight inches.”

“It looks way bigger than eight.”

My dick responds by swelling and jumping. Fucking traitor, I thought in its direction. I rubbed the guy’s flat ass and tried maneuvering him so that butterface of his was pointed away from me.
Scarcely have my fingertip rubbed the guy’s hole than he yelps as if I’ve bitten him. Startled, I straighten up. The dude is pulling on his briefs. Groping for his polo shirt. “What’s up?” I ask.

“You’re too big,” he tells me, scrambling in his clothes as fast as he can. “Your profile says once you’re in, you don’t pull out. That thing is going to wreck me.”

I realize that I’m a split second away from actually protesting his departure. Then I swallow my words and rally. That’s right!” I say, realizing that he’s solving my problem for me. “I’d ruin it for life!”

“Fuck, I’m tempted,” he says, staring at it. For a moment I’m worried he might change his mind. But no, he pulls on his sneakers, thank god. “Nope. Too big. Sorry. Can’t risk it. Bye.”

No worshiping of my dick. No fucking for minutes, much less hours. Just a rush of air and dust and a quick slam of the door. Like the Roadrunner escaping from Wile E. Coyote, he’s gone.

It’s not the best way to close out my time in room 155, true. But better a night jacking off in solitude, than a duty fuck with the one Weasley brother that Ron was too embarrassed to introduce to Harry and Hermione.

Monday, June 4, 2018

Return to Room 155

“Dude. That was the best sex I’ve ever had. In my life. Ever.”

I’m not tooting my horn here, but I’ve heard the sentiment before. Often, honestly. I believe the words every time—it’s not a compliment most men toss off lightly, is it? I mean, sure. I consider the source. Sometimes I know it’s coming from an inexperienced twink who’s had maybe, what? Ten men in his hole? Or from a married guy who grants himself the luxury of having man-to-man sex once a year. I get it from guys whose weekly sex life consists of tame mutual masturbation sessions with their equally vanilla boyfriends, who’ve snuck out for a ride on the wild side. Honest to god, if I don’t hear that I’m giving someone the best sex of his life, I feel like it’s my fault for not putting in my best: after all, if you’re not giving your all when you hook up with a guy, what’s the point of fucking?

Hearing that you’ve given someone their best sexual experience—hearing it from anyone—is a huge compliment. Hearing it from a little bareback slut like this one, though? Fucking priceless.

This kid had hit me up before my journey South to visit my dad. He was cute—a bearded little Latin furball in his mid-twenties with a hairy butthole liberally photographed accommodating dicks in a Whitman’s Sampler of shades and sizes. He was friendly, attractive, and available most of the nights of my stay. I don’t usually plan extensively with guys in the weeks prior to a trip; the effort always backfires. Guys disappear, schedules change. This kid, though, seemed sincere about meeting. I gave him my phone number. He texted me on my drive down to see if I was still interested. We set a tentative date to fuck the second night of my stay.

I was mildly surprised when he actually followed through and hit me up that Tuesday evening while I was out to dinner with my dad. We still on, I hope? he wanted to know.

I’ll be back at the hotel at 9:30, I told him.

Do you have poppers?

I did not, I told him. He’d have to bring his own if he wanted those.

You have lube? What kind?

My tickle of annoyance (what, me providing the hotel room and the big dick wasn’t enough?) grew into an itch when it turned out the lube I’d brought with me—a small squeeze tube of water-based stuff, easily packable—apparently wasn’t good enough for him. There was a specific silicone-based brand he wanted, and he suggested I head to a CVS to find it. Now, admittedly, there was a 24-hour CVS a half-mile up the street and over a hill from the hotel. But it was an extra trip I’d have to make before heading back to the hotel to shower and get ready. I agreed to it, anyway. But it’ll have to be 9:45, now, I warned him.

The CVS excursion was more of an adventure than I cared to have. I couldn’t find the specific lube the kid wanted, though he’d sworn the drugstore carried it. In fact, I could only find one silicone-based lube, and another lube container had leaked all over it. When I and my sticky hands got to the front counters, a homeless and/or mentally ill man was screaming at the two female cashiers because they’d dared to ask him if he wanted to contribute a dollar for whatever the heck charitable cause for which they were raising money that week. He stopped yelling at my approach—the fact I’m six-foot-three probably had something to do with that—and scrambled to the parking lot to yell at the sky. I volunteered to stick around to wait for the police to arrive after the cashiers rang me up, as it was clear they were both uncomfortable about being there by themselves with the crazy guy on the other side of the sliding doors.

It was not, to summarize, a quick trip to the druggist. I got back to Room 155 only about a minute and a half before the Latin furball showed up. I apologized for being harried, and told him that the store hadn’t carried his preferred lube. He looked at what I’d bought instead and curled his lip, but that was the last we talked about that before fucking like dogs.

Afterward, at three in the morning, when the kid said that the sex was the best he’d ever had in his life, my opinion wasn’t that far behind. The sex had been phenomenal. It had started slow and romantic, making out and getting to know each other’s bodies. I’d propped his hips up on a pillow and gone to town eating his hole. The first fuck lasted for close to forty-five minutes as I kept driving into him in position after position, tossing him around like a furry little rag doll on the cheap hotel mattress. He’d shot spontaneously, without touching, as I bred his tight little ass. Then we kept going.

Two loads, three, four loads, before I took a break at one in the morning. Every time I banged one into him, he’d shoot. The second time he jacked onto his stomach as I pile-drove him into the headboard. The third and fourth loads, he shot again without touching—something he said he’d never before done. We talked for a while, then he climbed on me, kissed me until I was hard again, and sat down on my cock to milk out a fifth load. That’s the point when he told me he’d never had better sex.

The sixth load was unplanned; I was trying to get him up and dressed and out of there, but he was so fucking cute I couldn’t help but force him down on the mattress so he could take the last breeding of the night. He was too spent to attempt to match my donation. Finally, close to four, I managed to get him out the door. I had to take my dad to the dentist at 10, I told him. I needed at least a couple of hours of sleep.

He extracted a promise from me to meet him Wednesday night. He didn’t have to ask me twice. My dick was still three-quarters hard from having so much good ass when I crawled into bed and turned out the lights that I couldn’t wait for the upcoming day to be over.

And this is where my trouble began.

The kid’s texts that afternoon reeked of puppy love. He wanted me, he said. He needed more of my sperm. He loved my dick. He couldn’t wait to see me again. I was the best. Did I already have a boyfriend? Did I want a houseboy, LOL, because fuck, I was perfect and he needed me all the time. His chatter was all very sweet. Tired as I was, and even though I had very serious worries that maybe I’d worn out my dick the night before, I was genuinely looking forward to that night.

I was back from dinner with my dad and sitting in his living room, tapping on my phone and watching him mutter in agreement with MSNBC, when the kid texted again. I don’t have a car and don’t have any way to get to your hotel tonight.

I asked him what happened to his car. He’d had one the night before. He’d even mentioned something about stopping to get gas.

That was my work car. I only had it last night. I guess I can Uber to you.

Don’t be silly, I told him. I was going to leave my dad’s at nine-thirty again; I could make a detour and pick him up.

That would be great! I guess I could walk home after. It’s only two and a half miles.

I’ll drive you home after, too, I wrote. Okay, so now I was playing chauffeur. It wasn’t what I’d expected, but the sex had been a-fucking-mazing, and a little informal livery service didn’t seem like a bad trade. Honestly? I thought I was doing a nice thing in offering. He accepted.

It’s going to cut into our time together, though, I warned him. My dad has an early appointment in the morning and I REALLY need to get some sleep, since I didn’t have any last night. So with the driving we’ll probably only have an hour and a half for sex.

It was about nine when he finally texted again. I blinked at the message. I don’t have any poppers, he said. Sorry, I guess the sex tonight is canceled.

It was at that moment that all the good feelings I’d had about the kid, all the warm and fuzzy lingering memories, evaporated. The pickiness about the lube should’ve been the first red flag, honestly. I know some guys feel that water-based lubes get sticky and dry . . . but they can be replenished, and frankly, I’ve never had anyone complain about lube during the actual sex with me. Lube is the last thing on my mind. My dick produces plenty of lube on its own, thank you very much.

Furthermore, I’d made what I thought was a very generous offer to transport him back and forth to his place, even though I really didn’t want to, and even though it was going to cut a good half-hour out of the roughly two I could afford to spend with him. The night before, this same kid had told me I was the life-changing sex he’d never experienced in his life. Now he was giving up a second shot at the Best Sex Ever because his poppers had run dry? Fuck that noise.

All right, I texted back. Take care then.

I was in my car at nine-thirty, driving back to the hotel when the kid texted again. You can pick me up and drive me to this bookstore where they sell poppers, he said, naming the vendor’s closest intersection. I recognized the cross-streets. This place was clear across town—a half-hour drive and a bridge toll. I didn’t reply.

He texted a couple of minutes later, when I was back at the hotel. I’m dressed and ready. When are you picking me up?

After wrestling for a minute with how politely to word my baffled response, I finally stabbed out on my phone, I’m kind of confused, because earlier you told me we weren’t meeting without your poppers, so I just came back to the hotel and got in bed..

No, I still want to meet, he said.

But you literally texted me, ‘I don’t have poppers, sorry, the sex tonight is canceled.Maybe you can understand why I thought that the sex tonight was, you know, canceled.

I thought you were going to offer to drive us to the bookstore where I could get poppers, he wrote back. Then we could have gone to your place and had fun.

There’s all sort of things I could’ve blasted at the kid at this point. Poppers aren’t what make good sex. Everything that had happened the night before ignited because the kid and I had seriously been into each other—the romance of it, the intimacy, none of that had poured out of a tiny brown bottle.
Sure, I was tired. My lack of sleep probably contributed to my short temper. But the honest-to-god truth that still to this day makes me shake my head with disbelief is that despite the kid’s obvious ecstasy the night before, despite his delight in the best sex he’d ever had in his twenty-six years, ultimately he wanted his poppers more than he wanted me. I’d made some nice gestures in order to see more of him, and any good will I’d intended vanished when he’d basically spat on them.

You told me tonight was canceled, I finally texted back. So tonight is canceled. I’m already in bed. Good night.

Throughout the following day the kid sent me message after mopey message.

I fucked up last night.

I guess you hate me.

I guess you never want to see me again.

You’ve probably found hotter boys to fuck.

It was great meeting you. I fell hard for you, but I guess I’m a loser who fucks everything up.

Don’t worry, I’ll pick up the pieces. I always do.

I was so busy with my last day of errands for my father, though, that I didn’t get a chance to reply until late in the day. You did fuck up last night, but mistakes don’t make you a loser. If we ever meet again, I hope that meeting me will get a higher priority over hunting for poppers.

He immediately sent back a hundred excuses. He has panic attacks. He suffers from anxiety. He thought I wouldn’t mind driving from the northern border of the city to its southern border at ten at night for poppers because I seemed like a nice guy. He’s used to feeling mistreated so he assumes everyone’s going to mistreat him. He wanted everything to be perfect. Poppers are his security blanket. He’s trying to learn to love himself. Oh god. Everything he said was a mess of contradictions and had very little to do with anything that actually had happened—outside of his own head, that is.

You know, all you really had to do, I told him eventually, when I was tired of the excuses, is say, I’m sorry. I made a bad judgment call. Those are the words I’m not hearing.

Nor was I likely to, without that kind of prompt. If my name were Rush and I’d been a bottle of poppers . . . maybe then I’d be high enough in the hierarchy to get an apology.

I don’t have any illusions about the sex I have. I don’t expect a random encounter in a hotel room—rambunctious as it might have been—to turn into an eternal love affair. I don’t cherish the illusion that good sex with me, or even fan-fucking-tastic sex with me, is going to win me a spot on the top shelf of someone’s bureau of cherished memories. The sex that two men (or three men, or thirty) can be life-altering. Eye-opening. It can pierce the soul and shake the foundations of one’s life. But it’s sex—and it’s ephemeral, and meant to be savored while it’s happening and honored in the days and years that follow. Sex is sweet. It’s important. Yet it’s delicate. Impermanent. Fleeting.

Anything that fragile can easily be damaged beyond repair. Trample on it, be too selfish with it, and watch those momentary good feelings dissolve like tissue in the rain.

Monday, May 21, 2018

Room 155

The hotel was a Howard Johnson’s fifty years ago, when my parents first moved from a cramped apartment to their first and only house. On Friday nights in good weather we’d walk three blocks down our sleepy street and see it through the bowers of trees—an orange-roofed and turquoise oasis sitting across from the freeway entrance. My dad loved the HoJo’s fried clam plate—he still esteems it (and its fifty-cent price) as one of the culinary triumphs of the twentieth century. I would tolerate my Little Boy Blue special of a hamburger patty and assorted bland vegetables, tossed on dishes sporting the silhouette of the chain’s famous Pie Man serving a kid and his dog. What I really loved, though, was the exotic, soothing dessert I was always allowed to order: a dish of orange sherbet, speared with a vanilla cookie. I played Pong, my very first video arcade game, at that Howard Johnson’s in second or third grade. Two years later there I played my second cabinet game, Midway’s Gun Fight.

Sometime in the late seventies all the HoJos in our area disappeared, though; another chain bought up the hotel, repainted the roof, and added some modern additions in the back. It’s changed hands several times since. At one point it was a Holiday Inn. When my mother died and I stayed there for the funeral twenty years ago, it had devolved into a no-name motel with hot water in the toilets and cold in the showers.

On this particular visit to my dad—my annual spring jaunt when I help him clean up his yard and do chores around his house—I’ve chosen this particular hotel to stay. Before I’ve always slept in my childhood home. My back’s not as resilient as it was in my teens, though. I can’t squeeze my six-foot-three frame into a twin bed quite as easily. But between its nadir and now, the hotel’s been renovated and refreshed to become part of a middle-tier chain. It’s close to my dad. The price is right. This hotel is respectable again.

Or so I think.

Sunday, 6 p.m.

I’ve told my dad that I’ll take him out to dinner after I check in. I’ve had a six-and-a-half hour drive from home through New York City and down the east coast with only one break. I’m exhausted. But after I get into my room for the next three days, and after I drop my luggage and my gear in room 155, I’m not super-anxious to hop back into the car again. So I flop onto the king-sized bed and fire up Grindr.

There’s someone 35 feet away from me—the photo is of a scrawny 20-year-old torso, hairless, his chin the only part of his face showing. He must in one of the rooms close by, I figure. But I’m not into hitting up 20 year-olds. When they come on to me, I welcome it . . . but I refuse to be part of any kid’s I can’t go on Grindr without all these old perverts trying to get into my pants narrative.

I’m browsing the other guys in my vicinity when the phone buzzes. It’s from that twink kid. He’s sent me a photo of himself without comment—a picture of his face. He’s got green eyes, red hair. He’s paler than me, which means practically paper-white. Cute, though. Cute as fuck. I’m still looking at his face when another photo pops up. It’s of his dick. Skinny, like the rest of him. Curved. Its head just as red as his hair.

A third pic arrives, this time of a skinny white ass. Are you at the hotel? he asks. Then, Looking for right now? I need dick.

My dad can go hungry for a half-hour, can’t he?

Give me your room number, I tell the kid.

He’s in 159—a mere two doors down from me. As far as Grindr encounters go, he’s been the closest body to me I’ve ever talked to, certainly the closest I’ve had an offer to fuck. Unlatch your door and be ready. I’ll be down in a couple of minutes.

The couple of minutes is just so I can quickly brush my teeth. After I check my phone one last time to make sure he’s not changed his mind, I leave it on the room’s desk before I tuck the card key in my pocket and walk out into the hallway. I’m not even wearing shoes.

159 is two rooms closer to the ice machine. I push on the door—it gives way. It’s early evening but still bright out, but the kid’s got his privacy blind drawn and all the lights off. I can still see the luminous white of his skin on top of the bed. He’s face down. Skinny butt up.

And this kid is so damned skinny. I can feel his hipbones jutting beneath his skin as I assume my place behind him. He grinds back on the crotch of my jeans, the heat of his crack warming my dick beneath a layer of denim and the cotton of my shorts. He’s smooth, too. My fingers rub against his hole, trace up his crack, circle his buns. When I reach under to tweak his nipples, even his chest is smooth as a boy’s.

I’m hard in my jeans from his insistent friction. “You need dick?” I ask the kid. For response, he reaches above his head to clutch the headboard. His ass grinds against my bulge. “All right,” I say. “I’ll give you dick.”

There’s no romance to this encounter. No kissing. No preliminaries. I don’t even know his name. This is just some little whore in a hotel, letting a stranger nearly three times his age invade his room and then his ass. I unbuckle my belt. Unbutton and loosen my jeans. Yank down my shorts. My dick flips up from under the waistband and wedges itself into the boy’s crack. He groans at the sudden feel of flesh against his flesh.

I spit on my fingers. Work it around the length of my dick until it’s slick. Once again I spit. This time I deliver the moisture to the kid’s hole. He’s loose. Two of my fingers slip in with no resistance. Three. The insides of his chute are already slippery. Maybe it’s lube. Maybe it’s some other guy’s hour-old load.

I don’t care, either way.

My dick slides in as easily as my fingers. Maybe easier. There’s more pleasure as his hole gulps at my inches, though; when I’m all the way in, his ass constricts to clamp down on me like he never intends to let go. He arches his back, lifts his butt up even higher; I have to stand on tiptoe so that I don’t slide out.

Not that he’d let me. He’s an aggressive little whore. He starts ramming his hole down to the base of my dick. Every time he hits bottom, he grunts a little. I’m turned on by his sheer need, but I need to set the pace, here. I push down at the base of his spine to lower his ass a little, so I can stand on the flats of my feet. I keep my hand there, stilling his up-and-down motion; my other hand grasps his left hip to keep him from wriggling so much. I’m taming this little bronco, whether it wants taming or not.

He learns quickly that I’m in charge of his hole. I lift up my tee so that it’s out of the way when I thrust. “Yes, daddy, like that” he says, when I start long-dicking his hole. His voice is soft. Light. Almost feminine. Even when I’m banging him harder, spreading his skinny little legs as I push him into the mattress and kneel between his knees, he’s still softly moaning and begging for dad’s dick. I’ve got three hundred miles of driving tension to work out on this hole, and the kid is good at taking a hard fuck.

When I shoot, I’ve got my right hand gripping the kid’s skull, pushing his face into the pillow so firmly that his little cries of pleasure are muffled. My left hand is squarely between his shoulder blades, keeping him still as I bang into his skinny little ass. He can tell I’m shooting; he clutches at the sheets and says “Yes . . . yes,” as my meat throbs and expands inside him. Maybe it’s my breathing that tips him off; maybe it’s the increasing ferocity of the fuck. Either way, I shoot my three-day load inside the kid with my dick splitting him open to the maximum.

I stay in there a moment, grinding the seed in with my dick. Then I pull out. He’s left a hand towel on the side table. I use it to wipe off, while he lies there motionless. He makes no motion to rise. I then toss the cum wipe onto his butt. Pull up my shorts. Fasten my pants.

“Thanks, kid,” I say. Then I leave.

Elapsed time: 20 minutes. My dad won’t be late to dinner at all.

Monday, 7:30 a.m.

Big day planned with my dad—dental appointment, yard work, errands. But it’s seven-thirty and I don’t have to be there until nine, and I’m in bed, naked, lounging.

So I fire up Grindr again. There’s a message waiting for me from the red-headed kid: holy fuck u r a hot top.

It’s a compliment I’ll accept. He’s 12 miles distant now, though.

On the nearby screen, the closest guy is a smiling, attractive African-American kid. Bearded, skinny, young. 24, his profile says. And he’s only 40 feet away.

Fuck, lightning can’t strike twice, can it?

Apparently it can. Sexy, he messages me, while I’m still viewing his profile.

Yes, you are indeed, I reply.

Ha ha, I meant you. Are you at the hotel?

I am, I tell him. What’re you looking for?

His answer is short and sweet. White dick in my hole.

How do you like it?

Raw only, the kid writes back, and follows it by five emoji: three smiling devils, one pig snout, and an arrow pointing down.

I send him something better than an emoji: one of my dick shots. The deal clincher. As I expect, he writes back, Come now.

I tell him I’ll be there in 5, and he sends me his room number.

The night before I’d taken a shower. I’m clean enough for a morning fuck, I reckon. I brush my teeth, though, and pull on a t-shirt and a pair of basketball shorts. Slip on a cock ring. I’m good to go.

This kid’s room is three doors down the hall away from the ice machine, on the opposite side of the hall. All I’ve had to do for both these tricks is just pad down the carpet in my bare feet. The door’s off the latch, as I instructed. I push inside and close it behind me.

It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust to the absolute darkness within. I mean, I had my blackout blinds drawn in my room, but it still wasn’t pitch black in there like it is here. And fuck, is it ever stifling. He’s got the heat turned up high, even though the morning temperature is in the sixties.

The only light in the room is a rectangle that appears on the screen of his phone, in the general vicinity of where the bed should be. I aim myself in that direction and find myself hitting the mattress with my knees. My eyes are adjusting, now; I can see a figure looming closer in the dark.

A hand touches my chest; another grasps the back of my head. There’s a mouth against mine that’s hungrily seizing my lips, pushing them apart with a probing tongue. This boy’s an octopus, eight hands doing crazy things to me all at once—rubbing my dick through the thin fabric of my shorts, tweaking my nipples, pulling my shirt over my head, seizing my short hair and using it to pull my mouth harder against his own. Not being able to see him clearly—or at all—makes the situation even hotter than the room.

My dick is rock hard when finally he flips me onto my back. I feel the heat of his mouth surround me, his hand clutching at my balls as he sucks me down all the way. I groan and try to sit back up, but he pushes me down. This boy knows exactly what he wants.

He’s got my knob sloppy with his spit when he tries to sit on it. I can feel resistance from his hairy hole as he struggles to spear himself with my inches. He’s a tiny thing, like the white boy the day before. But the ginger twink had a gape that could accommodate a Boeing; this boy’s pucker is tough to get into.

Once, twice, he tries. Neither time is he successful at opening himself. Finally I take pity on him and pull myself up and stand by the bedside. I flip him face down, on his knees. I spit on my hand, then sheerly by groping my way there, I spread the moisture on his hole. Finally I guide the head to the entry point and start pushing.

Third time’s the charm.

Now that I’m actually in him, he starts to open up. I’m down to the base when he collapses his knees and lies prone on the mattress; I let my weight push him into the springs as I begin pounding. He’s craning his neck to kiss me again; he has to strain so that our lips can meet. “You want my cum, don’t you,” I observe. He makes animal noises as his answer. “You want this big white dick breeding that black ass, don’t you, son.”

“Yes daddy,” is his eager reply. “Fuck me like you own it. Please!”

He’s open, now. Hungry for dick. The mattress is bouncing up and down as I pound the shit out of this boy, and he’s loving every bruise I might be leaving on his cheeks. I’m loud when I shoot; I’m hoping his neighbors in the adjacent rooms aren’t sleeping.

Oh wait. I’m one of those neighbors.

When my spent dick slithers out, he rolls over and grabs my hand, shoves my fingers up his hole. I manipulate the sloppy flesh as he jacks himself. He shoots within ten seconds, panting and heaving from the climax.

“You sticking around?” I ask, as I grope on the floor for my shirt and shorts. “Maybe we can do this again.”

“Supposed to check out this morning, but now I’m thinking it over,” he says softly, as he rolls over to check his phone.

“Let me know. I’d like more of that ass.”

“Fuck yeah.”

I let myself out.

Monday, 10 p.m.

You ever top?

Unlike every other profile I maintain, my Grindr information doesn’t specify any positional preference. I kind of like it that way. It broadens the offers I get. In theory, anyway. In practice, most guys look at me and come to the conclusion I top.

It’s a pretty good assumption.

I’m back in my hotel room after a long day with my dad. I send this blank profile in question a shot of my dick. The guy has turned off his geolocation, so I have no idea how far he is. He sends me back a pic of his own, of a lean, lightly-muscled body sporting a pert and round little ass. He’s what, in his forties, it looks like? The next photo he sends shows him manspreading in a coffee shop somewhere, handsome, smiling, looking like a lumberjack with a latte. His left hand, clutching a cardboard cup, sports a prominent ring.

Married? I ask.

Yeah. Hope that’s not a problem. Really get into guys who like guys cheating on their wives like me. Are you one?

I breed cheaters like you, I tell him. Might as well get to the point. I send him a shot of my bare dick plunged halfway into a jocked Latin hole.

I want that, he responds immediately. Come flood my guts. Now?

I ask him where he is. Lightning has struck not once, not twice, but three times in two days: the guy is in the very same hotel, one floor up. Fuuuuuck, I love this joint. I am staying here every time I visit my old home town, in the future. It might look mildly respectable on the outside, but on the inside, it’s one hundred percent pure sleaze . . . and I love it.

I’m upstairs knocking on the dude’s door within five minutes. He’s naked when he admits me inside. He must like what he sees, because the door’s barely latched behind us than he’s yanked my basketball shorts on the floor and gobbled my knob down his throat. He’s not the most masculine guy in the world; his eyelashes and lips are sultry, almost feminine, his voice soft and light as he begs me to lie down on the bed so he can service me. Plenty of down-low married dudes get away with that in their marriages, though, without the wife ever thinking twice about it. I’ve fucked enough of them to know.

The guy’s got a hot mouth. His hole is already juicy . . . prelubed, at least. When I rub it as he sucks me, my index finger just glides right in. There are a lot of men out there who take the moral high ground when it comes to married men who cheat on their wives for dick. I’m not one of them. Depriving them isn’t going to fix their marriage. It’s not going to stop them from cruising. These fuckers are going to get cock from someone or another. It might as well be me. Especially a hot, lean piece of ass like this one.

I admire the way his hole stretches, how the chute clutches at my dick as I force my way in. Force, shit. His hole is practically suctioning my meat into its vortex. “That what you wanted?” I ask. “This big bare dick?”

“Yes sir!” he yelps, as he starts grinding back on it.

“Married dad dick up your cheating hole?”

“Fuck, are you married too?” he asks. I shove my dick all the way up that cunt, then shove my left hand in front of his face as response. “Christ. That’s even hotter, sir. Does she know?”

That answer is none of his business. I keep fucking.

“Make babies in me like you made in her, sir,” he begs. “Knock me up.”

“You want this seed, huh?”

“I’ll do anything for it. Anything,” he stresses. I don’t know what else he needs to do for it at this point; he’s already got a stranger’s raw dick up his butt in a motel. Seems like a load in his hole is the given outcome of that scenario. “Just make those babies in me, please.”

“We’ll see,” I hedge, like denying him is a serious option.

This dude is seriously into the dirty talk. Filth pours from his mouth. He tells me he wants my babies, that he needs to be bred, that his pussy begs to be always wet from my bareback breedings. I flip the married slut over and rest my forearms on the soles of his feet while I pound and he continues talking about me knocking up his cunt. It’s my most arrogant fuck pose. Look at this, it says. I could do this all goddamned day . . . and you’re just a fucking armrest and cock cozy to me.

“Is this what you do? Rent a hotel room and let strange men sodomize you, faggot?” I ask him.

“Once a month, sir,” he says, between pants. “I don’t always get as lucky as I did with you.”

I’m close to shooting. I hold both his ankles with one hand, and use the other to give one of his nipples a savage twist. The sensation makes his hole contract . . . and that’s what pushes me over the edge. I’ve cum in two other boys in roughly twenty-four hours, but jets of my goo spurt into his hole. The married guy’s eyes roll up so that I only see the whites of his eyes.

I shove all the way to the base while the last drops dribble out. “Tell me what a lucky faggot you are now,” I order.

“I’m a lucky faggot, sir. I’m such a lucky faggot.”

“Why is that?” I just want to make him say the words.

“I’ve got a fuck god’s sperm inside my lucky faggot cunt, sir. I’m the luckiest faggot in the world right now. Thank you sir. Thank you.”

It’ll do. When I pull out, his hole vomits seed; it dribbles down his butt and onto the hotel bedspread. Immediately his fingers race to collect it and shove it back in. I’ve got my shorts back on by now; my shirt didn’t even come off.

“Hope I see you again, sir,” he said, an edge of pleading coloring the statement.

“Likewise, faggot,” I say. Then I’m out the door.

I am definitely, one hundred percent, positively going to have to stay in this hotel again.

Monday, April 30, 2018


Not that long ago I was complaining to a friend of mine about guys in the area. They’re flaky, I told him. They’re never available when I’m horny. My other half can leave town for a week, and the moment I’m able to start hosting freely, all the guys who’ve been sniffing around and asking and asking and asking when I can have them over suddenly evaporate and are nowhere to be found. There are days I spend all afternoon and evening checking The Grindr without a single nibble . . . but let me make the actual decision to give up for the day, take out my contact lenses, brush my teeth, and hit the sheets, and suddenly my phone is buzzing and pinging like mad.

And the hotel guys, I told him. Fuuuuuuck. Don’t get me started on the hotel guys.

Where I live, a lot of out-of-towners overnight in the local hotels. Some come from Manhattan, so they can be here early mornings when the overseas stock markets open; others are constantly flying in from all over the country to consult or confer with the several big financial firms nearby. These men don’t stay at the no-tell motel several exits down the freeway; we’ve only got the one cheap place, here. No, they stay at the multi-story Marriott that casts a long shadow over the six lanes of I-95, or they stay at the Hilton, or they stay at the Hyatt up the street or our tiny, pricey boutique hotels.

And while these hotels aren’t that far away from me, all of them feel just as inaccessible as anything fifty miles over. Visiting guys in the Marriott involves paying by the hour in their parking garage . . . if they have any spots, which is no guarantee. The Hyatt has an outdoor parking lot, but it’s open only until 5, after which it’s a cool twenty-five bucks to stow your car there for a quickie. And since the Hilton and the tiny little boutique hotels downtown have no parking whatsoever, it’s a gamble whether or not there might be something on the streets.

Then, after you’ve finally parked and emptied out your wallet, or walked three-quarters of a mile from the first place you’ve found to leave your vehicle, you arrive at the hotel and the guy’s room. What if he’s a boring-ass dud, like they often are? It’s too late to leave. You’ve invested.

So fuck the hotel guys, I told my friend. I’m done with all the hassle and the gamble and the uncertainty. Done. Kaput. Finito. Adios.

But you know how the universe works, right? The moment you put your foot down, the second you draw a line in the sand and dare anyone to cross it, the very instant you attempt to assert control over forces inherently wilder than anything you yourself can tame, the universe singles you out for notice. Not so fast there, little buddy, it says. I’ve got other plans for you.

It’s later the same day. Yes, the same day I made those declarations about never doing any more visitors in hotels. Around dusk, I get hit up on Grindr. Faceless profile, but his information says he’s 26. Right off he sends me a photo of himself—a selfie in a bathroom mirror, taken low to the floor, squatting down in only a pair of soccer socks, the head of his fat, stiff dick knocking against the tiles.

My own dick hardens at the sight. There’s another buzz. He’s sent a pic of his long legs, spread wide on a mattress, leading like twin highways up to the mound of his tight ass, framed in a jock. Fuck, I think. How come I’ve never seen this guy before?

Fuck me tonight? he asks.

I’m tempted. Really tempted. I send him a dick shot. Then another. Then a third, of my raw dick poised at a hole, my fat cock head nudging against the pucker.

It elicits the response I’m looking for. Breed me!!!

Where in town do you live? I ask.

My heart sinks as I read his answer. I’m visiting from Italy. He tell me the hotel where he’s staying. It’s not one of the big three; it’s a smaller boutique hotel on the water.

But I’ve just sworn off fucking dudes in hotels! I made a stance! Just hours ago! What kind of idiot would I be to break a vow I just took?

The kind of idiot of which the universe likes to make fools, apparently.

The Grindr guy sends me a few more shots of himself clothed. They’re professionally done photographs of him in expensive clothing. I’m a model and I’m here to do a photo shoot on location, he says. Please come meet and breed me?

A young, attractive, cum-hungry male model from Italy? At least when the universe makes me eat my own words, it serves up the dish as tastily as possible—I’ll give it that much.

Yeah, I tell him. I definitely want to meet and breed you.

The hotel’s only a five-minute drive down the highway. There’s no traffic. The street in front of his lodgings is empty; I can park right in front of the building and walk right into the lobby. I knock at the model’s door; he opens it promptly and invites me in.

He’s wearing nothing but a fire engine red jock with black straps. In his photos, he’d sported blond hair and a dark beard, but now his hair’s all dark. It suits him better. “I’m so happy you came to meet me,” he says in a deep voice. His accent is heavy, but charming. He reaches out and entwines his fingers in mine to lead me all of five feet to the bed. He turns, and wets his thick lips. “Such a sexy daddy.” He presses his mouth to mine.

I usually don’t feel all that sexy during my travel time to tricks. The rush of getting somewhere, the pressure to get the directions correct and find parking, the exertion of walking and navigating through strange streets and buildings—none of it is boner-inducing. But when this kid, this lean-bodied kid less than half my age, this kid as tall as myself who’s wearing nothing but a skimpy jockstrap from an expensive label, starts pressing his body to mine as our mouths connect, I respond. My limp dick stirs and stiffens, then strains against him, groin to groin. He’s holding my head with both of his hands, now. I let the flats of my palms explore his body. The bumpy road of his spine. The swell of his smooth, firm ass. The pebbles that are his tiny, hard nipples.

“I saw you and I wanted you to be my daddy,” he says in that accent that sounds more Hollywood than real. “Fuck me tonight, daddy. Fuck me.”

“I’ll fuck you,” I promise.

His room is a god-damned mess, I notice. He’s got two suitcases, both open. From the way the clothes seem to have landed over the chairs and the extra bed and even the floor, I wonder if they exploded from internal, overpacked pressure. He’s got a case of bottled water next to the TV, its plastic ripped open, several bottles already removed. There are watches and phone chargers and thick chain bracelets and a wallet and a passport on the desk, and poppers and two bottles of lube on the bedside tables. He pushes me down onto the mattress of the bed he’s sleeping on, and straddles me.

His fingers rip open my buttons. He’s still kissing me, but he’s tearing the clothes from me as he does it. My chest lies bare; he pushes a hand down on it to keep me still as his other fingers wrestle with my best. Then the top button of my jeans is undone. He yanks down my zipper. With a rush he tugs down my shorts.

My clothes are undone, but not off; the shirt around my shoulders and the pants around my thighs are just as effective bondage as any ropes or chains. He’s able to switch positions so that he’s sitting squarely on my sternum, facing away from me, before I can wrestle out of any of my things. I feel the heat and wetness of his mouth on my cock. There’s a sound of someone groaning. I realize it’s me.

He’s doing these, these things with his mouth. I can’t see him at work; I don’t know what it is. But it’s driving me nuts. Maybe it’s his tongue determinedly working around the head. Maybe it’s something he’s doing with his hand against the slick skin of my wet dick. I don’t know. I don’t care. I just want it to keep happening. My arms are pinned under his knees, but while he sucks I manage to work them out and over. His ass is just inches from my face. I have to taste it.

I manage somehow to convince him to back up a little bit, to lean forward and take my dick deeper down his throat, to expose his hole. My neck cranes up. My tongue flicks out to taste him. The boy’s skin is creamy and smooth. He tastes and smells of hotel soap, with the faintest hint of a masculine cologne. When he feels me eating his hole, he starts groaning as well. He removes his mouth from my meat and allows himself the luxury of enjoying my tongue on his ass. I can feel his thick cock pressing against my skin. Its heat is intense, white-hot. It’s almost as if he’s branding me, as if when he eventually changes position again, I’ll find myself permanently impressed with the banana shape of his uncut salami on my skin.

“Daddy,” he says, finally, screwing himself around to kiss me once again.

“What do you want, son?”

“You. Inside me.”

“Yeah?” Still tangled in my shirt, I lift myself up on my elbows. We’re face to face, our eyes intently staring. “You want daddy’s dick up that pretty smooth hole?”

For a second he looks vulnerable. Helpless. As if he’s so wrapped up in the moment that my words have disarmed him. “Please. Yes.”

“You want dad’s sperm in there, don’t you.”

“Oh yes. Yes. Please.”

“What if I tell you no?”

It’s a taunt. He knows it. It’s also an empty threat. This pretty boy, this fucking Italian male model, has got me wrapped around his finger. He plants his palm on my chest again. Pushes me down. Leans over to grab a handful of lube from the bedside.

I feel the cold goo as he spread it all over his dick. Another handful. Another intense rush of coldness as the lube drips down onto my nuts. He grabs one more pump of the stuff and applies it to himself. The next sensation I feel is the warmth of his ass crack, as it begins to slide against my head.

“Let me get all the way out of my clothes,” I urge.

He doesn’t give a shit about my state of undress at this point, though. He’s got dick on his mind. Grabbing the poppers from the side table, he takes a deep whiff and lowers himself, reaching back to aim my dick at his hole. I slide in with no resistance whatsoever. This is one well-fucked boy.

“Daddy,” he whispers over and over as he allows me in.

“Oh baby,” I whisper back.

When he lowers himself to kiss me, I can still taste the poppers in his lungs. His mouth tastes mine only momentarily before he raises himself again. Using his knees as a fulcrum, he raises himself up and down on my dick. There’s a dark stain spreading across his jock, where the head bulges. When I press the heel of my hand against it, he responds with a groan and more intense grinding on my dick.

The kid is skilled. I mean, he’s good. He’s twisting his hips in a way that’s catching my dick just right. Every time I try to assert a little control, to do my own thrusting, he shakes his head and pushes me back. He’s greedy. He wants this his way.

So I let him. I let him grind, and buck, and set the pace. I let him speed up to the point where I can feel the juices bubbling in my nuts, threatening to boil over, before he looks at me with lidded eyes and stops altogether. Just to show me who’s in control. I let him take me to the edge again and again. I let him make me beg for release, and watch him enjoy himself when he denies it.

But he can’t keep me from shooting forever. He knows it. After long minutes he finally rests his hands on my chest yet again, pushing his weight there. He arches his back, and lets that bubble butt slam up and down against my nuts. “Daddy,” he announces. “Breed me.”

But when I come, I’m not so much breeding him as he is stealing my load. He’s breeding himself. My dick is only the delivery system. He’s forcing out the seed, inhaling it with his hungry hole, driving down for more. He’s milking every individual sperm out of my nuts, staring in my eyes as I convulse and groan and gasp for air. At the receiving end of his relentless drive I’m helpless. He knows it. The little fucker gets what he wants.

Only then does he pull down the pouch of his jock and pull out his uncut fat Italian dick. One jerk. Two jerks. Three jerks, and it erupts. A geyser of seed cascades over my chest, splashing me in the face. Then another. Then a third, smaller, but still copious.

I’ve done nothing but lie there tangled in my clothing the entire time. But I’m fucking exhausted. He, too, is panting heavily. I close my eyes and try to still my pounding heart. Then I hear something. The faintest of laughter.

“What’s so funny?” I ask, slitting open my eyes.

He’s still mopping his own sweat from his face. “Funny?” he asks, not understanding.

No. He hadn’t laughed.

Somewhere, somehow, it’s the universe snickering at me, and at all my silly vows.

Monday, April 9, 2018


So here I am, butt making a dent in my mattress, legs spread with my laptop between them. The tiny dot of a camera in the top bezel is angled squarely at my junk. Just a typical Monday morning, right?

Whenever I get exhibitionistic on some cam site, viewers always ask me, Dude, what’s getting you so hard? Here’s the serious truth: I’m not watching porn. I’m not fixated on anyone else’s broadcast. I’m just admiring the sight of my fist clutching my meat. And right now it is seriously grabbing onto those inches. My fingers are wrapped, vise-like, at the base of the shaft, stretching out my taut, fat nuts below. The top two-thirds of my meat—yeah, not the top half, but the top two-thirds, because I’m big like that—is thick and dark red from my own grip and strain for a hole that’s nowhere near.

What gets me so hard on cam is the sight of my own rock star dick. I’m am one cock-proud, and cocky, motherfucker. This crank of mine is turning on the seventy (and climbing) spectators who are using the chat box to cheer me on and express an admiration that almost equals my own.

Fuck, I love looking at myself on cam. My shaft is slick and glistening from all the lube I’ve been slathering on these past fifteen minutes. Every now and then a bead of my own natural juices will bulge at the tip; I’ll make a show of corkscrewing my finger into it, mashing the head down hard to give the illusion I’m digging deep into the tip to retrieve it. A long spider’s thread of precum connects cock to fingertip as I lift it up and bring it to my mouth. My spectators go fucking nuts when they see the long strand, plainly visible against the background of the black tee I’m wearing specifically for this purpose.

fuck look at that precum, writes someone.

This stud could breed me anytime! messages sexykittenMO.

pvt me? write a few people at once.

I’m not looking to send private messages now, though. I like to respond to my audiences in the chat room, sure. When hungdad4sexybois tells me I look hot, I’ll wipe sticky goo from my fingers and tap back, thanks hungdad. When trucker007253 asks where I live, I’ll reply, NY, trucker. I’ll answer questions about my size and my marital status. Some shit I ignore. When I get asked if I’ve ever been caught jerking off, I refrain from the obvious answer, No, because I have ears that work. When guys ask me to pull up my feet and put them behind my head, I refrain from suggesting that they go find the Ringling Brothers if they’re looking for acrobats. The dumb shit, I just refrain from answering at all.

But damn. I sure love the sight of my image on the computer screen, choking my big fat hog and grinning like a fool while I do it. Seeing how turned on and erect I am just makes me even more turned on and erect; I’m trapped in a pleasurable feedback loop. I’m a perpetual boner machine, watching my fist slide up and down over my gleaming shaft. The bout of ego doesn’t bother me. It’s like my mom always used to say: if you’re gonna be doing some self-loving, best love yourself while you do it.

(Note: my mom never actually said that.)

Show you feet, says m4hotfems in chat.

lift up that shirt dude, says boyfordads.

Someone named torpedo announces, I’m camming too. Check me out, stud.

My enjoyment of cam rooms and sites always takes place in three acts. Act One is the slow-moving scene setter in which I turn on the cam and wait to see who starts watching. Act Two is the bulk of the show, when I have more than a couple of dozen viewers, but less than a hundred. It’s during Act Two that I can chat with the guys and gals viewing me, thank them individually for their compliments, answer their questions, grant a few of their requests, if they strike my fancy. I love Act Two.

Act Three, though, begins when the number of my viewers outstrips my ability to keep up with them. There’s something about the triple digits that pushes the whole experience over a cliff. Onscreen chat happens too fast and frequently; I have to resort to a less personal thanks guys! after a spate of compliments scroll down my screen. I get too many private messages to really keep up—it feels like I’m almost spending more time typing than showing off—and typing is not why I’m here.

Today, Act Three begins about forty-five minutes into my show. My viewership hits the triple digits, dragging me to the top half of the first page of broadcasts. Having more people in my room brings in even more people—and more of them are making demands. More of them are trying to lure my viewers to their own rooms. It’s a little bit of a clusterfuck.

I’m used to this pattern, though. I know it’s coming, the moment that little green dot above my screen blinks on. I’ve been down this road many times before. So I thank my viewers, encourage them to follow me, and sign off. Sure, I didn’t shoot . . . but my cam shows aren’t about the climax.

They’re about the raw sensation of my fist traveling the length of my dick, and the pleasure of watching myself . . . and being watched.

I stand up, stretch my stiff legs. Snap down the lid of the laptop. Time for a shower, anyway. I pad over the bedroom floor and across the hall into the bathroom, where I wash the sticky lube from my dick and let the warm water soothe my aching boner. My dick’s soft, but still hefty, by the time I’m toweling off.

I’m still damp and clutching my towel when I scoop up my phone from the end of the bed where I’d left it. Several notifications from Scruff have filled the front screen; I let my thumb unlock the phone to check them.

There’s a message from a guy less than five miles away. Were you just on cam? he’s asked, naming the site where I’d been publicly masturbating. Hot as hell if you were. Woof.

My first thought is a startled How the fuck . . . ? My Scruff profile uses my face; on the cam site I’d only presented myself from the bottom of my nose down. When I realize I’ve used the same name on both places, though, I relax. Plus, the guy’s fucking hot.

That was me. Enjoy the show?

Fuck yeah, he says. You’re amazing.

Like I said, this fellow is pretty amazing himself. Mid-thirties, body of a muscled bulldog, dark red beard. Rapidly he sends me a few shots of himself—one on the beach, tanned and sweaty, one of his round bubble butt bent over a bare mattress in a dark room. I flipped through those and the others, dick beginning to harden again.

You’re the one who’s looking amazing, I tell him.

I get dressed while I wait for the next message. I don’t have to wait long, though. I really need to give head this morning. Can’t host, though.

Honestly, the offer of head is highly attractive to me. I can’t host, either, though, and tell him so.

Kinda unsure if you’d be into this. But I’ve got a van we could meet in, and I know a place off the parkway we could do this, if you’re up for now. Before I can tap back a reply, he adds, There’s a hundred bucks in it for you.

A hundred bucks? To get blown? I ask. My dick’s now filling out the pouch of my jeans.

Two hundred if you can do it now. Might not be your bag but you’d be worth it.

Tell me where and when, I tell the guy.

I’m grinning like a fool the entire drive up there. Nah, my smile’s not about the validation the transaction implies. I don’t need validation—though it’s pleasant when I get it. I’m just thinking how god-damned funny it is still to be doing this at my fucking age. When I was a twink, sure, I could see guys shelling out their hard-earned bucks for a taste of me. But midway through my fifties? Preposterous, right?

Yet I’ve been doing this for how many decades, now? Not soliciting—never soliciting. But accepting.
And here I am, hopping into yet another suburban minivan in a parking lot with a stranger. He removes his sunglasses. That pic in his profile must’ve been very recent—he’s even wearing the same tee/hoodie combo that’s in his main photo. “Didn’t think you’d show,” he comments, as I slide into the passenger seat and pull his door shut.

“Really?” is my only question.

“Nah. Not really,” he admits. His dark eyes are looking me over. Up. Down. Mostly down, checking for signs of stirring in my crotch. “You seemed like the kind of guy who would step up to the plate. Here you are.”

“Here I am,” I agree. I’ve dressed casually. I’ve made myself easily accessible—in a parked car emergency situation, you don’t want to be fiddling with any more fasteners than you really have to. So I’ve got on a flannel shirt, unbuttoned. The dark V-neck tee I’d been wearing on cam, earlier. Jeans—no belt. I sit there with my hands at my side, letting him see everything. “You want to . . . ?” I rub my thumb over my fingers.

“Yeah, yeah.” He reaches into his back pocket for his wallet. A moment later, I’m pushing folded bills into my own pocket. “Let me see that dick again.”

“Up here?” I ask.

He looks around and rethinks his request. “Back seat. Yeah? Think it’d be better?”

I absolutely thought it would be better. There’s enough room for me to squeeze between the seats; he follows so that we’re sitting in the minivan’s back seat, where the shadows are deeper. He reaches for my groin, rubbing the flat of his hand over the taut denim.

“Fuck,” he says. “You know how many dudes wanted this dick this morning?”

I nod. “I know.”

“Now I’ve got it.”

“Winner winner, chicken dinner,” I tell him. (Honestly, it sounded better in my head.)

“You hard?” I nod again. He licks his lips. “Let me see.”

I unbutton my jeans. Unzip. Immediately my dick flops out. No underwear—like I said, in car sex, the less you have to mess with, the better. My meat is hard. Even though it’s been through a shower, it still feels moist and slightly swollen from the thorough lubing it had during the hour I’d been on cam. Kind of like a sponge swollen from an excess of fluid. And god knows my balls have an excess of fluid today.

“Shiiiiiiiiit,” he whispers, drawing out the word. My dick jumps when he reaches to take it in his hand. “That’s what I’m talkin' about.”

“All yours.”

He urges me to get comfortable. There’s only so much comfort to be had in the back seat of a minivan, but I pull myself sideways so that my back is pressing against the door’s armrest. One of my legs is up on the seat itself, and he’s got a shoulder leaning on my thigh. With my pants pulled down a few inches from my waist, my dick’s pointing at the roof when he finally opens his mouth and engulfs it. One of his hands cups my nuts.

“That what you wanted?” I ask. “That big dick in your mouth?”

His reply is a muffled gulp of pleasure.

“So make it feel good, then.”

He replies to my demand by taking all my inches down his throat. The fur of his red beard tickles against the inside of my thighs. He’s surprisingly good, this bulldog cocksucker. Fucker could have anyone he wanted if he walked into the Eagle. Yet here he is on a weekday morning, sucking off some strange dude in a suburban strip mall parking lot. I’m happy he’s enjoying himself, though—and I can tell he’s really enjoying himself. His eyes are closed as he bobs up and down on my meat. Every time he reaches the base he lets out a contented little grunt. The dude is lost in a sexual fugue, caring about nothing but the sensation of his lips around hard cock, of his throat as my engorged head stretches it. When I let loose with a glob of precum, he lets loose a rumble in his chest, at the salty taste.

The street we’re parked on is sleepy and not much traveled; it’s too early for lunch and no one’s visiting the ramshackle travel agency. The van’s back windows are tinted, and a building blocks the front windscreen, so I’m not much worried about being caught. I let out a few groans to let him know what good work he’s doing. They’re not feigned, not forced. I’m genuinely getting off on this scene. His spit is slopping out of his mouth and down the length of my shaft, drawing wet lines of sensation down my nuts as it puddles on the seat. He wraps his thumb and forefinger down at the base, making me more rigid than I already am.

Eventually he comes up for air. “Do what you did earlier,” he asks, staring directly into my eyes.
“What was that?” Earlier covers a lot of territory, for me.

“Put on a show.” He pulls himself up slightly to rest his weight on his forearms. “Stroke for me. Let me watch. Like this morning.”

There’s something so fucking arousing about the way he’s making his request. I spread my legs a little wider and spit in my hand. Then, like I’m considering the request—casually, you know, the way guys always do when they’re masturbating while thinking over proposals—I reverse my usual jack-off fist and start stroking with my thumb at the bottom, bouncing against my pelvic bone. Usually drives them wild on cam.

He’s no different. I can feel the stiff intake of breath as it stirs the wet patch on my nuts. “Fuck,” is the only word he mutters.

Yeah. I can do this. I’m aware of his intense presence between my legs, mere inches away from my crank. All my attention is focused on my dick, though. This is what he wants to see. Intense, sexual, preoccupation. I make-believe he’s not even there.

One of my hands reaches up and squeezes my own tit. My jaw drops, like I’m loving it. “Fffffffuck,” I spit out.

“Christ, you are hot,” he whispers, watching the show. “Can’t get over how I’m actually right here in front of you, watching you choke that fat dick.”

I pretend not to hear him. I spit again, apply the liquid to my slick meat. It’s red, now. Throbbing. I thwack it into my palm with a wet slap.

“You gonna cum for me?” he asks. “I didn’t get to see you cum on your cam show.”

“You want me to cum?” My voice is low. Deliberate. When he nods, I look at him directly. “Tell me.”

“Cum for me,” he says, excited. He hasn’t opened his pants the entire time we’ve been together, but now he reaches for his zipper and pulls out a cut five-incher that he begins to beat furiously. “Dude, please cum for me. Shoot it.”

“Yeah. I’ll shoot it.” I pull back into my cock-proud self-regard, staring at my fat prick while I pull on it. “You’d sure like that, wouldn’t you.”

“I’d take all your loads if I was lucky enough to be your boyfriend.” He’s pulled himself on his side, now, so he can whack. He’s beating so audibly that his balls are slapping against the denim of his jeans. “Take all your loads. Mouth and ass. Not a drop would touch the ground. Fuck, if I was your boyfriend, you’d be drained twenty-four/seven.”

I’m digging how deep into the fantasy he is. As he keeps talking about all the things he’d do for me if I were his boyfriend, I pick up the pace to let him now how much he’s turning me on. “I’m getting close,” I warn him.

“Feed me,” he says, abruptly shifting place to position his mouth near my cock head. “Feed your boyfriend. Fucking feed your boyfriend.” While he repeats the words, he starts ejaculating into his own cupped hand. “Fucking feed me, fuck, feed me please, motherfucker.”

“Here it comes,” I tell him. I can tell from the pulse in my nuts that it’s going to be a big one. There’s just something about the sensation of the spit and the close quarters and his insistent boyfriend chatter that’s pushing me over the edge. Obligingly I angle my dick so it’s pointing at him. His mouth opens wide to watch the flying seed. I feel his wet pursed lips close over my meat, hungrily sucking the ejaculate as it spews.

His eyes half-closed, he nurses at my softening meat. I let him. His dime, after all. Finally he wakens from his sexual reverie. “You’re going to let me do that again sometime.”

“Sure,” I say.

“Not a question. You’re definitely going to let me do that again. Soon.”

I shrug, and smile to myself. Who am I to argue? I’m already picturing another time with this guy. I’m picturing the raw sensation of my fist traveling the length of my dick, and the pleasure of watching myself . . . and being watched.