Sunday Morning Questions: Roundabout Story Edition

Some of my readers have poked up their heads to ask about the audio recording I promised of one of my entries, late last year. Valid question!

By way of answering it, let me explain a little something about my life right now.

When I moved to the east coast, last summer, I moved into a temporary residence. I packed up my family's three-bedroom, hundred-year-old Craftsman-style home (pardon me while I choke back my sobs) and into a very tiny, very compact apartment with only a portion of the bedrooms and space and at a much high rent than my mortgage used to be.

Something had to give. As a consequence, more than eighty percent of my possessions are still in storage, believe it or not. I have about half of my kitchen equipment unpacked (and if you think it's been fun to have only one cookie sheet for seven months, you're wrong). We have all of our clothes and computer equipment. My piano sits in my dining room. And that's really about all I've got unpacked—the rest is sitting either in boxes in the basement, or in a storage unit across town.

Now, if it's one of the boxes I packed myself, I can generally remember in what size box something is, and how it might be marked. When I really needed a reference book a couple of weeks ago, I knew it was in a medium-sized box labelled Bedroom Books. I ventured into the basement, banged my head on the water pipes, and managed to find it in one go.

If it's a box that the movers packed, though, god knows where it is. They just shoved things into cardboard, wrote Household on it, and called it day. I could go through the several score Household boxes and unwrap every object from the three miles of brown paper they used as padding. I spent an entire day doing that when I discovered they'd individually-wrapped every small jar of spice from my kitchen cupboard, early in the summer, and lost my taste not only for unwrapping things in general, but for Christmas presents as well.

My point—I really do have one!—is that my headphones with the microphone that plugs into my notebook's USB port is packed in some box somewhere. God knows where. Once I figure it out, you'll get that audio recording. I've picked out the essay I'll be reading, and I've had some ideas of how I'll do it. So give me a little more time and you'll get it, I promise.

Let's get to some questions from formspring.me. Thanks to those of you who sent in new questions this week—I always appreciate them.


Are any specific types of questions that you delete or ignore?

Absolutely. I tend not to answer any questions about my family members or my loved ones. I skip over questions I've been asked a million times before or which are of the mundane "what kind of sex do you like" variety.

And I definitely ignore questions that aren't really questions at all, but barely-disguised verbal traps that someone has constructed with the intent of putting me in my place, or pointing out how depraved I am.

What is the most you've ever spent on a meal in a restaurant?

$170 for two—for a dinner and two drinks.

I told my father and he fainted.

Do you think you would enjoy being tricked onto SyFy's Scare Tactics?

Fuck no. I don't like being tricked into anything, I don't like surprises, and I don't like being scared. I can't imagine a more miserable way to spend my time.

When you were a teenage boy had you ever been caught masturbating by your mother or other part of the family? What happened next?

No, I was never caught masturbating.

If I had been, in my household it wouldn't have been a cause for either shock, alarm, or even much notice. Proto-hippies that they were, my parents would have l-o-v-e-d the opportunity to be laid back and cool about it, and would've taken undisguised masturbation as an indication that their parenting techniques were as relaxed and hip and up-to-date as they thought they were.

Naturally, as a stubborn kid, I wasn't going to give them that satisfaction.

How many pillow and blankets do you use when you sleep?

I use one of each, and I sleep in the nude.

I never really heard of anyone using more than one pillow to sleep until I met Spencer last year. I had to round up every pillow in the household to satisfy him, on the many occasions he spent the night.

What does your latest text message from someone else say?

At the time of this question, it was, It's a good thing you made a big batch of those apple bars.

Have you ever used another guys cum as lube to fuck someone?

Often.

Which US city has the hottest guys to fuck?

Atlanta, Chicago, and Washington, D.C., in my experience. Columbus, Ohio is another surprising little pig town, as is Dallas.

L.A. and NYC have a lot of beautiful men, but in L.A. especially, the men seem so worried that they'll miss out on something better if they agree to meet, that they postpone hooking up for hours on end.

Do you only have sex bareback?

I prefer it.

I see you read Big Shoe Diaries -- how much do you wanna bang Colby Keller?

Colby Keller—@colbykeller on Twitter— is one of the top sexiest porn actors it's my pleasure to watch, from time to time. He has a lot of qualities that really make me extremely attracted to him aside from his height and his amazing good looks. He's a talented artist and a good writer, has an admirable intellect, and seems like a genuinely good and pleasant guy.

So yes, he totally makes me want to do dirty things to him.