Sunday Morning Questions: Mailbox Edition

I had a moment of peace and repose, last month, in which I achieved electronic nirvana. I actually got to the bottom of my email inbox. Yes, I answered every last email that had been pending, even if they'd been hanging around for a good six weeks or so. It was all gone, gone, gone. I felt productive. I felt efficient. (I wasn't efficient, but hey. I felt like it.) I felt like the king of the fuckin' world!

And then within five minutes, because I have correspondents who are much more diligent about answering email immediately, it all started flooding back in again. (Don't you people know you don't have to fire back a three-page response immediately?!)

So once again I'm at the point of email overload that I need to warn my readers about it. I really do try to respond to correspondence, but there are times in my life like this, when I've got my own work going and I've got busy things happening at home, when I just can't get to your emails all that quickly—particularly those that require more of a response than, "Thanks so much! And eight inches!"

Be patient. You'll get your replies. I promise.

In the meantime, here are a couple of things you can avoid, in order to help me out:

1) If you've sent me an email, don't send me a follow-up email asking me if I hate you now and why haven't I emailed you back. That doesn't really help.

2) It also doesn't help if in addition to your first email, you send an even longer follow-up addressing all the things you should've said in the first email to clarify the things that you think I might be confused about to the point of not replying in the first email. All this really does is give me TWO long emails to reply to.

3) Don't send me emails saying "I just read that you have too many emails and I wanted to apologize for sending you an email!" Because this is the point at which my life becomes an Escher engraving and the universe folds in upon itself.

The short message is that I am one person. I have many, many readers who write me. Please take pity on my being outnumbered, and be patient when you write.

Let's get to some questions from Formspring.me for the week, eh?


Have you ever gone to an adult movie theater where they show the pornos on the big screen?

Only to one, in the Detroit area, when it was still open. The theater was a giant cruising spot where men—and sometimes male-female couples—would meander through the seats looking for sex partners. There were often times that men would shed their clothes completely and wander around the theater naked, looking for guys to suck off or to fuck them.

Sadly, the theater got raided, closed, and razed a couple of years after I started going there. I knew a couple of the guys who got caught in that final raid, and they barely evaded getting their names in the papers.

Now that I think of it, the Bijou in Chicago has a theater downstairs where they show the films on a reasonably large screen. I never lingered in there, however, and always went through to the glory hole maze upstairs. So make that two places I've been of that type.

Which snack food do you go for Savory, Sweet or Spicy?

Salty. I suppose that would fall under the 'savory' category, but somehow that words connotes more complexity than I require in a snack. I want it studded with salt crystals. And maybe covered with some kind of orange-colored dust that is supposed to resemble space-age cheese.

Had any encounters with guys that stored their sperm frozen and used it as lube in their hole?

I have indeed. I have such a horror of ice cubes or cold things touching my bare skin, though, that I'm unlikely to suggest or participate in it. Also, saving up sperm like that just relies upon a degree of planning that is totally alien to me.

How do you feel about sticking an ice cube in someone's hole? Any experience with that?

I've done it, but I hate it. I really just dislike coldness on my skin in any form—and having to do it to someone else makes me cringe.

Ever added food to your sex acts? Any tips on which food would be fun in bed?

I hate to sound like a total crab, but I've always found food sex to be not as fun as it was cracked up to be in 9 1/2 Weeks.

Every food substance I've tried has either been too messy, too cold, too dirty, too smelly, or too sticky to contemplate using ever again. I've done the honey and chocolate syrup on my cock thing before, and I felt gooey even after a couple of hot showers.

If your sex is unsatisfying enough that you're contemplating wasting perfectly good food to improve it, you're fuckin' doing it wrong.

i love ABBA Sir which is Your favorite song?

Probably "One of Us." ABBA's last album was a melancholy and very grown-up work, and "One of Us" is quite a bittersweet song. I can listen to it on repeat for a very long time.

What's your favourite kind of pie?

To make, pecan.

To eat--oh gosh. Probably apple, in the fruit category, and coconut cream pie, in the cream group.

No cream pie smutty jokes, please. I take my pies seriously! (Okay, maybe one or two cream pie jokes.)

How do yo keep your hair style? Harvard Cut, Caesar Cut, Cornrows, Fade, Flat Top, Short Back and Sides, Crew Cut, Mullet, or Shaved?

If Shaggy from the Scooby-Doo cartoons had a child with Kurt Cobain, its hair would look exactly like mine.

At least, when I originally wrote this question, that was my answer. I've had it all chopped off, since. Yesterday I got told I look like Hugh Laurie from House.