Sunday Morning Questions: Pride Edition

It's Pride Sunday here in this part of the country, and later today I'll be joining the hundreds of thousands in New York City to watch the parade, get a little sunburnt, and get a little giddy.

Not all my readers are gay men, here. Nor are all of you men! Some of you are bisexual, some straight. Some of you are probably most comfortable without feeling attracted to anyone at all. And you know, all those things are pretty darned good things to be.

This time of year I see so many tired whines from men embarrassed to be seen in the company of drag queens and leather men at the parades, who claim that they give the rest of the population the 'wrong idea' about what gays are. You know what I'm going to have to say about such sentiments: screw that! Playing good boys and girls in the hope of getting a pat on the head and a dab of praise here and there has never gotten anything accomplished. I'm personally proud to be part of such a diverse, widespread, and amazingly creative population. If you want to celebrate with me—welcome!

Whether or not you celebrate the event, and whether or not you're gay, straight, or somewhere in between, what's important to take away from this time of year is a sense of joy and acceptance of your own sexuality, whatever wondrous forms it takes. Sex is an amazing gift. Too many people are afraid to take out that gift and actually use it, so that it molders away like some weird wedding gift, still in its original box, tarnishing and growing dimmer and less attractive by the year. Whip it out, polish it up, and don't be afraid to get it dirty. That's my motto.

(I have a hundred mottos. You may have noticed.)

If you're not proud of your sexuality, you're ashamed of it. It's possible to waste a lot of time on shame and fear. That is time you're never going to get back. So celebrate your sexuality—not just today. Every day.

And take photos of yourself doing it and send them to me.

Let's get to some questions, courtesy of formspring.me . . . and many thanks to those of you who wrote in with some especially provocative questions this last week, which will appear here in a few more installments.




what is one question that will piss you off

I believe that there's more than one question that will piss me off and set me on one of my infamous rants. It wouldn't take a lot of reading back in my archives to discover them, trust me.


Any chance you'll move back to the Midwest?

I never say never, but I have no intentions of moving again for many years to come.

(I should note that I do intend to change houses later this year, but I'm not moving to a completely different area, this time. Just down the street. That's bad enough.)


Hi Rob, Does your submissive bottom offer assertiveness training? Unfortunately, hesitancy seems to be the nature of the submissive beast. the best, Linda

Submission is very much an act of trust. It's a gift from you to the one you're allowing to dominate you.

It's not going to work, however, if you don't completely trust your partner. If you're hesitant, or holding back, or setting endless limits, or interrupting the flow of the play to modify his or her expectations, it's a little bit like giving a gift with a lot of annoying strings attached. Like saying, "Here's a hundred bucks. Spend it any way you want! As long as it's at Macy's. In the women's perfume department. At counter three. And oh, don't go without me to approve the purchase. And I want a thank you note afterward. Every three months. At least four pages long."

If you're not prepared to give wholly, and to give willingly, either you're not ready for submissive play, or you're not playing with the right partner. It's up to you to examine yourself, and your situation, and decide which. Then you need to do something about it—either modify your own need to play in this area, or find someone you do trust and to whom you will offer your submission.

I will say this: if you feel that you're holding back because of a lack of trust, don't automatically assume it's all coming from you. Your partner might not be giving you the support you need in order to surrender your last traces of hesitancy. Talk about it with him or her and see what can be done to make you feel more comfortable.

If you crave this experience, the work will be worth it for you.


have you ever gotten it wrong meaning have you ever thought a man was coming on to you only to be mistaken

Quite often.

The last time was at lunch a couple of months ago when I was checking my email and the handsome middle-eastern guy next to kept staring at me and smiling. I smiled and did my sexy-eyes thing back, and got him to smile at me with beautiful, white, perfect teeth. Just as my loins were stirring and I was about to say something provocative, he leaned over and wanted to know where I'd gotten my iPhone case.

Sigh.


Did you ever get off on the daddy/son fantasy that you provide for others today, when you were younger? Was being called son, and calling him dad, ever a turn-on for you?

Absolutely. One hundred percent.

I still remember the forbidden thrill I got the first time a guy referred to himself as 'dad' while I was servicing him, and I'm sure he got off on that hesitation and subsequent vigor that I gave the task at hand, because he kept on doing it, over and over again, calling himself dad and me 'son' or 'boy.'

Even though most of us don't really lust for our own biological fathers, the dad/son fantasy is very much something that resonates very deeply for a lot of gay men.


Are you jealous or turned on by hearing of your boy's hook-ups?

I don't know what boy you mean, exactly. However, I'm not really a jealous guy. Listening to accounts of someone else's hookups doesn't generally inspire me to that angry kind of possessiveness that makes me want to track down the trick and kick his sorry ass for ever having god-damned touched my god-damned keep-your-fucking-hands-off property.

That kind of thing used to be something I'd experience a long time ago, when I thought it was the appropriate reaction, but even then I couldn't invest a lot of vigor into it. I learned to follow my own instincts, which was simply to let my loved ones enjoy their fun.

Sex is supposed to be giving and joyful. I might be envious that someone else gets to experience something of which I'm not a part, but in general I think it's great when two (or more) people—neither of whom has to be me—get together and have an enjoyable time. That's what it's supposed to be about.

So when someone I like a lot hooks up and I hear about it, I'm generally happy for him. If the trick treats my buddy badly, though—that's when I'll track him down and kick his sorry ass, or at least threaten it.