Sunday Morning Questions: Rhymes with Sham4 Edition

Anyone who reads my blog knows I’m a big ol’ show-off, particularly when it comes to my dick. I like whipping it out, getting it hard, and displaying it for others to stare at.

And when I’m not on public transportation (kidding!), I like getting on a chat channel cam and stroking for strangers. It’s just the exhibitionist in me. He needs an airing, once in a while. Besides, my dick likes the compliments, and once it starts getting its way, there’s really no controlling it. So I play along.

Anyway, last night I was indulging myself on cam—I know a couple of my regular readers saw me—in a site where I often go. Let it remain nameless. I like the site because it’s free, attracts a number of decently hot folk, and because I’ve met several guys from it in the past.

I can also predict, though, from past experience that’s been sore and hard-won, the arc in which my natural zest for performing will wane, and leave me a grumpy, teeth-gnashing misanthrope who ends up yelling the sex cam equivalent of You kids get off my god-damned front lawn! at everyone watching.

Oh, it starts off innocently enough. For five or ten minutes I’ll only have a couple of viewers. Iluvsexydads will make compliments about my dick, and I’ll say, “Thank you, Iluvsexydads!” and carry on a conversation with the guy. I’ll have the leisure to watch a camera or two, and check my email on other sites. It’s dull, really.

Then about fifteen minutes in, I start getting a trickle of viewers. Ten. Fifteen. I’ll be thanking fluffystud602 and sexynuddistman and NYHotJockDud for their compliments, and answering their every question.

Twenty-five minutes in, I’ll have about fifty viewers. By now when NCSexxxxy and LilThug32022 and NastyAssFukka tell me I have a nice dick, I’m shortening their names and saying, “Thanks NC. Thanks Lil. Thanks Fukka.” I’m spending more time typing out No, I won’t show my feet. No, I’m not putting a dildo in my ass. No, I won’t get a pair of panties and put them in my mouth than I am touching myself.

Thirty-five minutes. I’m on the site’s front page. I have a hundred and twenty-five viewers. The chat in my broadcast room is whizzing by. I’m saying Thanks guys! generically to the compliments, every so often. Viewers are starting to get frustrated when I don’t answer their every question immediately, so they’ll type in all caps, over and over again: SO HAS UR WIFE EVER COME HOME AND CAUGHT U JACKING????? I’ll be getting a barrage of private messages, most of them urging me to cam2cam with them. I’m not even bothering to turn down the multiple requests to show my feet and masturbate with my son’s dirty jock that I stole from his gym bag after he was out all night with the football team watching sexy MILF porn and drinking Gatorade.

(Some of their fantasies are very specific.)

Forty-five minutes. There will be close to two hundred people watching. Most of them are arguing about whether or not I’m even paying attention to the conversation in my chat room. I’ll have PrinceAmir202 announcing, IF U WANT 2 SEE A CAM OF A GUY WHO IS YUNG + HOT INSTEAD OF OLD + UGLY LIKE THIS GUY CUM WATCH ME. I boot PrinceAmir202 from the room. Not all the viewers are shooting compliments my way. A few prefer to come in and say things like, His dick’s not THAT nice, or I’ve seen better. A small contingent of people start yelling in all caps TO DEMAND I SHOW MY FEET!!!!! My ardent defenders will start trying to shout down the rude people.

The whole thing very rapidly becomes about as conducive to a boner as watching a History Channel documentary about amputation techniques during the War of the Roses. So I’ll flip off my camera and whack off alone.

And people wonder why I don’t shoot on cam for them.

Let’s get to some questions from readers, courtesy of formspring.me.


What is one thing that you’d be happy if you never had to experience again for the rest of your life?

A kidney stone. Sweet Jesus.

Have you ever had phone sex or would you?

If by phone sex you mean feigning excitement over the phone line while pretending that a sexual encounter is happening between the two people talking, yes. I've done it a couple of times. I found it so fake and unerotic that I've never done it again, and refuse to.

If I'm talking to a friend or an acquaintance on the phone about sexual encounters we've had, that's an entirely different beast. I like someone telling me who he's fucked that week and how it went down, or I like sharing with someone some of my past experiences. Having a dialogue about likes and dislikes can also be very intimate and erotic.

Faking sex, though? It bores me.

Seeing as how a blog is a diary are you surprised at how many people myself included are so voyueristic?

Having been a lifelong exhibitionist, I'm not surprised in the least by how many people like to watch, or get a vicarious thrill out of someone else's sexual experience.

What does surprise me is how many people obsessively return to blogs on a regular basis, but do so solely in order to abuse the people who write them. If one doesn't respect the author of a blog or like the things they do, it's time for one to move on to something else. Coming back day after day to leave abusive comments on a sex blog or to sneer doesn't make a reader superior, or virginal, or more virtuous; it just means that he has an unhealthy fixation.

What actor should play you in the story of your life?

My first choice would be James McAvoy. His hair is darker than mine, and we're not twins or anything, but I think there's something about his face that's reminiscent of mine. Plus he's Scottish, and I'm of Scottish heritage. I have no doubt he could pull off my bland American accent, though. Probably even better than I.

But if he’s not available, go for Bradley Cooper. Why, he’s practically my twin.

What race/class is your main toon in WoW? Do you still play it or other games often, and have you ever used an online game as a means to hookup?

It's been a while since anyone asked me about my gaming habits. My WoW main for a half-dozen years was a feral night elf druid. My current main is a worgen balance druid.

I have been playing WoW again in the last couple of months. I originally started playing about five or six months after the game was originally released, and raided all the way through Burning Crusade and WotLK. I then took a year-and-a-half hiatus when Cataclysm came out. There were a number of reasons I disliked that expansion, and I essentially quit because people were rude to my healers in random dungeons. MoP has addressed and corrected most of my issues—though I haven't had the stomach to run randoms or to heal yet again. Still, I've been having a lot of fun!

One of the things i've figured out about my WoW time is that I need to be able to approach it without feeling like it's enforced labor. I like taking my time and pursuing the stuff in the game that I really love, like fishing (no, really) and archaeology (no, really!) and making money. If I feel like I'm being pressured to run raids and dungeons and to churn through reputation grinds on a hundred alts, I start to resent it. In this expansion there's been enough variety to keep me engaged and happy puttering around and doing the stuff I like to do.

And I love pet battling.

I've never hooked up off of WoW; I think when I'm playing, I'm too much focused on the game and my next little goal to think about that. Unlike a blog, or Instagram, or a sex site, all of which are passively engaging (you post something, then you wait for responses), WoW and other online games are usually demanding your attention and focus in the present tense. There's also enough disconnect between a real-life person and his online presence as a gnome warlock in WoW that I don't find myself lusting after anyone I've met through it.

I don't mind sharing my BattleTag with others—if anyone wants to add me to his or her friends list, email me.

When you're feeling under the weather, is there one thing that seems to make you feel better? if so, what is it?

Matzoh ball soup. I love it. Even when I'm not sick.