Thursday Open Forum: Group Sex 101

Orgies. Group sex. To a lot of people, myself included, the terms are no big deal. To others, they’re fraught with anxiety.

Most of the sex I’ve had over the last six months, it seems, has either been in group situations, or with men I’ve met during big naked groups. I can’t say why this is, exactly—beyond, of course, the fact that I’m a top with a big dick, and big-docked tops are popular (and rare) in groups. Maybe there are more orgies in this part of the country? Maybe I’ve just stumbled into a handful of sex friends who are more inclined to throw groups when they know there’s a reliable top to invite? I don’t know.

What I do know is that of the mail I get from readers, the topic that gets addressed the most, the topic which has people fretting and worrying more than any other, has to do with the etiquette involved in attending group sex functions.

I’m not going to dismiss any of this anxiety as foolish or unwarranted. Meeting up with one stranger can be scary on its own. Walking into a group situation with a bunch of unknown strangers only multiplies whatever body anxieties and performance fears one might have; it’s enough to make a neurotic out of the most stable personality.

If you’re considering following in my footsteps and attempting group sex for the first time, however, I think there are a few general guidelines to follow.

1. Don’t be afraid to say yes to to a group sex invitation.

Group sex isn’t inherently deviant and perverted. Attending an orgy isn’t going to make you into an unredeemable slut or a bad person. Gay or straight, large group or small, it can be highly enjoyable and a great way to socialize. Yes, socialize. And network too, believe it or not.

Overwhelming as the prospect of getting naked in front of group might be for a first-timer, however, I think it’s important to remember that most of the men attending a group sex event are really all there for the same reason—to get off a time or two, and to have an enjoyable couple of hours doing it.

Chances are they’re all arriving with the same worries you might be feeling. Am I good looking enough? Am I hung enough? Will anybody want to fuck me? They’ll be worrying about whether or not they’ll have to make the first move, and how humiliated they’ll be when they try to reach out for some hot guy’s dick and the hot guy up and slaps away that filthy greasy paw. There might be some die-hard group sex aficionados in the mix like me, but chances are a lot (if not most) of the guys are new to it, just like you.

If you get the invite, or if you see an opportunity while you’re prowling online, first relax. Calm down. Take a deep breath. Think about it. Then accept. You might have more fun than you think, and you probably will even come away more confident than you went in.

2. Pick an event that’s right for you.

If you live in a big city, there are probably sex parties happening around you on a frequent basis. Some of them get advertised on sites such as Manhunt or Adam4Adam or BBRT, where it’s possible to browse through public boards or even to press a single button to get a listing of upcoming events. Others might appear in local sex blogs. Some are going to be private, by invitation only, and you have to know the right people.

Anxious as you might be, however, to get your first taste of group sex, before you start worrying about whether you’ll fit in, make sure the event suits you. If you’re looking for guaranteed bareback sex, don’t sign up to attend a foot fetishists’s festival or a jackoff party. Don’t sign up for a group in which safer sex rules are strictly enforced. If you think anal sex is dirty and disgusting, don’t attend a fisting party. This advice might seem obvious, but believe me, I’ve been in a lot of situations in which guys showed up, convinced they could make the party suit their own desires, without any regard to what everyone else wanted. It ain’t cute, and the results ain’t pretty.

There are a handful of events in which the people throwing the party very rigorously screen attendees. They may be searching for a certain degree of hotness, or excluding men who don’t meet a certain invisible requirement for looks, weight, or age. If you do submit your stats and photos for one of these and don’t get invited, don’t waste any of your time mourning when you get the rejection. You are not totally unfuckable. That party just wasn’t for you—and you can do better, trust me.

3. If you agree to attend a group sex party, show up. And show up on time.

Nothing irritates a man who’s spent a lot of his own personal time attempting to arrange a group sex party more than people who simply don’t show. My experience in arranging groups has always been pretty dismal; if I invite ten guys to come play at my place on a given date and time, I usually expect about three to show up, at most. I have friends who are more trusting.

Don’t sit behind your computer wanking while you think to yourself how hot an orgy would be, if all you plan to do is get off and never show up, even though the host is expecting you. If you’re unsure you’ll be able to attend, don’t say yes. If you know the chances are slim of you emerging from beneath the rock where you live, please tell the nice guy inviting you Think of me next time, but I can’t be there on that date. Thanks.

If the party’s one of those affairs in which you’re encouraged to show up anytime between eight p.m. and midnight, feel free to make a late entrance. Otherwise, show up at exactly the appointed hour the party’s supposed to start. It’s annoying for the host or one of the other guests to open and close the door repeatedly. You’re pulling them away from the action, when you show up late.

If you do have a genuine conflict, tell your host as soon as possible—preferably before the event commences. Telephone, text, or email your regrets. Doing so as an afterthought might indicate how little regard you have for the host, but even that’s better than not showing up at all.

4. If you agree to attend a group sex party, show up ready to play.

Don’t bounce into the room expecting everyone to be hugely interested in the traffic you just encountered. Don’t spill the hundred excuses you might have for being fifteen minutes late. Don’t assume that the motel room or the host’s house will have a working shower so you can clean up. Arrive with your cock ring on, your jock on your butt beneath your business suit, and your hole cleaned out and ready to go. Everyone’s time is at a premium these days; don’t waste it when it comes to others.

Additionally, don’t even bother attending a sex party if you’re not committed actually to having sex. If you’re going to lurk in the corner and not remove your clothes, stay home. If you’re going to arrive only to check out the guys, decide they’re not good enough for your persnickety ass, and then flounce off, just don’t come in the first place. If you’re planning to whack off furiously watching others while growling like a rabid dog at anyone who attempts to touch you, you’d do better behind your monitor watching porn. I’ve encountered all three types of these guys at just about every party I’ve been to, and I can tell you from experience, none of them ever got invited back.

If you are going to need lube for your adventures, bring lube. If you are requiring condoms, bring condoms. If the guy throwing the party has asked for a few bucks to cover the overhead costs, bring a few bucks. Don’t assume that others will cover for you.

5. While you’re at a group sex party, stay responsible for your own safety and behavior.

Start off by being responsible for what you bring with you. If it’s a regular group of guys you trust, that’s one thing. But if you’re in a dark hotel room with a bunch of naked strangers, don’t show up with a Coach leather man-bag that’s holding your iPad, your smartphone, the one printed copy of your doctoral thesis due next week and the one backup, and the irreplaceable birthday gift you just bought your dear mother-in-law. You don’t know who’s going to take off with it while you’ve got your legs lifted to heaven. Leave your wallet in the car, or at home. Arrive with as little cash as possible, and with as little that a light-fingered stranger might be tempted to filch.

If you’re attempting to preserve a negative serostatus at a group sex party, doing so is your responsibility. If you want your partners to wear condoms, it’s up to you to ask them. If you’re trying to bareback but to serosort your partners through some kind of superstitious voodoo ritual that convinces you that you’re immune to risk, be aware that a man’s answers to your question about his HIV status may be affected by exactly how few inches away his raging cock is from your raw hole. Don’t accept substances at a party you wouldn’t otherwise accept; don’t venture to a neighborhood where you’d feel uncomfortable, just for the sake of cheap and easy sex.

When it comes right down to it, you are responsible for your own safety and welfare at a group sex party. Don’t let your dick or anybody else make those important decisions for you.

6. Be nice to the host.

I don’t know how many times I can emphasize this particular point. Every couple of weeks I attend a group event at the home of a retired professor, at which fifteen to twenty guys show up on any given day. And every single time there’s always one asshole—he’s always a different person, but it seems like someone new is always occupying the Designated Asshole slot—who comes in, drops his drawers, and proceeds to rebuff not only the genial host’s advances, but even his attempts at conversation. The Designated Asshole will try to corner whoever he thinks is the hottest guy, get off quickly, and then disappear without even thanking the host.

Grandmotherly though I know I sound, I think this kind of behavior is appalling. (I know, you’re picturing me in a housecoat clutching my pearls and intoning Whatever are they teaching the children these days!) But I know I’m not the only one. Not only does my host keep track of who’s being a rude son-of-a-bitch, but the other regulars at the party, when they see our host given the cold shoulder, are more inclined to shut out the Designated Asshole so that he’s not getting any fun whatsoever. We can be highly protective of our favorite professor.

So if your party has a host, whether it’s the fellow whose house you’re using, or whether it’s the nice pervert who’s taken his time to arrange for the hotel room and to line up the list of guests, be nice to the guy. Give him some extra attention. Slip him a twenty to help pay for the costs, if he’s rented a hotel room for the day. Give him a blow job or your dick or make him feel extra special and hot with your compliments. Your kindness will be remembered, and you will be invited back.

7. For the love of god, play nicely with others.

You’re not going to be attracted to every single person at a sex party. You’re just not. But that doesn’t mean you’re excused from treating them politely.

That guy you think is a creepy old troll might be the boyfriend of the hottie you’re trying to get with, for all you know. Kicking him to the curb with a rude comment could backfire. Even if the creepy old troll is indeed merely a creepy old troll, you’re still not going to do yourself any favors by cutting him down with what you imagine is a witty and devastating remark. Mostly you’re just going to make yourself look like a cruel dick in front of your peers.

The same rules your mom taught you on the playground when you were five years old apply here. Don’t shove others out of the way to get to your favorite toy. You are no more entitled than anyone else present to be first on the best rides. Don’t cause fights, don’t argue, don’t make a fuss or a scene. Do not monopolize any one person. You will be expected to share.

I’ve always found that the camaraderie of men enjoying sex with each other is a bonding experience that can’t be beat; it’s a surefire way to make friends, earn respect, and to share joyful experiences that you’ll remember for a very long time to come. Group sex can be fucking amazing when everyone’s looking out for each other and helping each other to have a hot, sweaty time. And it can be lousy, frustrating, and godawful when one or two guys spoil it by behaving heedlessly or by trying to ruin the spirit of sharing with selfish behavior. Don’t be the Designated Asshole, and treat everyone as you’d like to be treated. It’s the Breeder’s Golden Rule.

If you’ve got questions about group sex, ask them in the comments below. And if you’re experienced in it and have other tips to share, post those as well. We’re all here to help each other over these hurdles—and once those fears of groups are conquered, you’ll be on your way to having some great fun.

(Just remember to invite me, too.)