ESL

In his photos, he looks like a bulldog. His brow is low and wrinkled, his jaw square, jutted, and firm. A Puerto Rican bulldog. His neck is thrust out at an angle away from broad, muscular shoulders. His arms are thick and strong, his hands naturally curled into fists. He's always got a layer of scruff on his face in the shots I've seen. A mustache that's more silky than thick sits on his upper lip, as if some stray dandelion seeds have come to rest there.

He's hot. I want him.

The thing is, English is not his first language. Every time we talk online, it ends with me near tears of frustration, because I can't understand a damned thing he says. woo like to, was the first thing he ever wrote me. I took it as a positive thing. Like, Woo! I'd sure like to do you! Or even, I would like to, with you! Who's going to object to either one of those?

Hi, I'd write back. You're sexy. Would you like to get together sometime?

suy pa to drivet mi in stamford like to, he wrote back.

Now, there's only one little bit of that sentence—is it a sentence? My late word-loving mother would have gotten out her pencil to diagram it and ended up stabbing herself in the eye, I fear—that I really understand. That is, I was assuming he was in Stamford. And maybe he was calling me pa? I was a little older than he, but only if I'd fathered him in my teens.

tenkio to men like 47.63 8 cut lovet, he'd write a few minutes later. I'd stare at it for several minutes until I realized that the numbers referred to me: I'm 47, six foot three, eight inches cut, and it sounded like he loved it. But tenkio to men? I couldn't even figure out what that might be phonetically.

It used to be that I'd get a couple of message from him and I'd give up for the day, but he's been persistent. caman cenga naoo, he'll greet me. camin tudey stamford for sex my to! Some of the sounds are close enough to things I might want to hear—come on today to stamford for sex with my . . . toe?—but whenever I try to communicate back, it doesn't get any better.

I spoke Spanish fairly fluently in my high school years, but thirty years of disuse have laid that particular skill to rest. I relied on Google translator to help me with my rusty vocabulary. Quiero poner mi pene en su interior, I'd write him, which probably is probably the least erotic way possible en español to say I wanted to put my dick inside him. It's so stiff and formal that it sounded like something the Queen of England might declaim, while in full array.

to drivet, was his quick reply. My stomach sank.

¿Puedo venir a disfrutar del sexo con usted? I asked, hoping (after I inspected all the verbs and nouns) that it would imply a question of whether I could come over and have sex with him.

woo no gut, he wrote back. Wow, no good? I wondered. Then he shot another email. tu vives solito papi. He was asking if I lived alone. Finally, a message I understood.

No vivo solo, I replied. ¿Alguna vez solo en casa? Are you ever home alone?

like sex hot hot tenkio woo camin stamford drivet mi to, was his reply.

And it was there that I gave up again.

I'm honestly not sure what to make of the guy. I think he wants sex, but no matter how carefully and formally I structure my sentence so that I'm pretty sure they're clear, he's always writing back to me about camins and tudeys and drivets.

I need an English-to-bulldog translator, stat.