Sunday Morning Questions: Bruised Ego Edition

I wanted to thank all you guys who made my birthday week a big ego-boosting success.

I received in the U.S. mail quite a few packages containing small gifts from readers—which, in time-honored tradition, I'll be modeling on here when I can get some time to take photos. Those were fantastic gifts, and I thank all those who sent them.

I'd also like to thank the many, many, many readers who took time out to send me birthday greetings on or around the day, either through email or Facebook or an instant messenger or notes on various sex sites, or comments here. Lots of you sent naked photos, just like I requested for my special birthday gift. And I do mean lots of you. If you haven't heard a thank-you from me yet, it's merely because I'm still working my way through the stack—but I greatly appreciated them all.

It's a little overwhelming and humbling for me to know that so many readers actually give a damn. So thank you for that.

But lest you think that my notion of self-worth is ballooning beyond all safe proportions, let me assure you I get it pricked at regular intervals. Allow me to lift the veil on my domestic arrangements a little and share a story of yesterday, when I was window-shopping at Macy's with the family. I was trying on a Calvin Klein sports jacket and looking super-foxy, when I noticed an attractive woman checking me out. I smiled. She smiled. Her glance lingered. Maybe it was the jacket. Maybe it was me. I turned, feeling like James Bond, and had this exchange with the spouse:

ME: Honey, that hot chick is totally checking me out.
THE SPOUSE: Really? She must be an undercover security guard.

Insert rim shot here, folks. That's how they keep me biddable around here.

Let's get to some formspring.me questions.


Lots of guys love jocks, thongs, underwear, or speedos to get in the mood for sex. During sex, do you (a) take them off & put them away nicely, (b) leave them on & try to keep clean (c) leave them on & get dirty, or (d) rip them off & render unwearable?

I would never rip another man's underwear unless he has specifically asked me to. Nice underwear isn't cheap. I don't go through strange wallets and rip up another man's twenty-dollar bills, either.

If asked or invited, then yes, I've done it.

Usually when it comes to underwear, I like to get it wet with my mouth as I eat the guy's dick through it, or munch at his hole. Then I'll take it off and do what comes naturally.

Why are you comfortable with the risks you take?

I could ask you the same question. Why are you comfortable with the risks you take, whether they're walking on icy patches without adequate traction, or driving over the speed limit, or eating a poor diet, or smoking, or speeding through a yellow light just as it flashes to red? Why are you comfortable living near a power plant, or eating processed foods, or accepting a job that causes your stress levels to go through the roof?

Just because some of the risks with which I'm comfortable are sexual does not automatically make them morally worse, or even more dangerous, than the ones you accept as everyday risks without a thought.

I try always to be aware of risks, and not to push the ones with which I'm not comfortable. You should be doing the same.

Have you ever slept with somone 10 years or more older than you? Over 10 years younger?

When I was first having sex, the guys were all two to three times my age. Now most of them are less than half my age. It's worked out well.

Have you ever been or ever been in a 3-way where someone or you was double penetrated (2 cocks in 1 hole)?

I've been in double-penetration scenes many times as a top. Because of my length, usually I have to be the top who lies down with the bottom sitting on my dick, while the other top enters from behind. As a result, I've usually got several hundred pounds of flesh on top of me and absolutely no ability to thrust or control the sensations.

Which would probably explain why I don't like DP scenes.

Morning wood: Pee or jerk-off? Discuss

Pee. At my age, when I've gotta go, I've gotta GO.

After you jerk off, do you eat your load?

Often I do, yes. When I was a kid I learned to do it after masturbating not only because I liked the taste of sperm, but because it was an easy way to get rid of the evidence.

If a guy wanted to borrow a weeks worth of underwear from you, which pairs would you lend him?

What's he going to do with him? That's what I'd want to know, first. If he's just going to wear them and return them, I'd probably give him a variety collection of some of my slinkier and more expensive pairs.

If he's going to do something dirty with them, though, I'd probably lend him the cheaper stuff I have from H&M and Uniqlo. Those I can replace more easily if things get out of hand.

How do you accomplish all that you do and also play the piano? You seem never to practice, yet good enough to make a little money playing. Do you practice, but just never mention it?

One of the things about my blog is that it really shows a very narrow slice of my life--a few minutes out of the day, really. Twenty minutes here. An hour there. An episode from my past. There's a lot I do that I don't really write about in the blog.

I don't write about the minutiae of my day-to-day work, for example, or discuss some of the insane projects I undertake around my kitchen (I make my own jams and yogurt like a crazy person), or the artsy stuff I do in the evenings to keep my hands and mind busy, or the crazy amounts of reading I do, or the video games I play. I don't talk about the time I spend with my family at home, or much of the craziness that sometimes comes with the activities I do for them.

So no, I don't really discuss playing the piano in my blog, and unless you're living in the apartment upstairs from me, you really don't know how much I practice. I started playing at the age of six, did it all through high school and college, and made extra money on Sundays playing for a small church for a few years. I'm not a fantastic pianist. I'm a terrific sight reader and a great accompanist, but there are certain things I can't do (improvise, play by ear, read chord sheets without great pain for everyone involved, or transpose) that keep me from being sought after for anything other than grade schools, show choirs, and churches.

But I do play for pleasure, and that's not a bad skill to have.