I’ll try to keep this short and sweet, because I don’t like dwelling on the negative. Last night I had a guy over. It was a guy I like and have enjoyed before—a man I’ve written about in these very pages, in fact. We were having a good time in the dark on a cool and breezy summer night, rolling around and making out and sucking each other’s dicks and playing with each other’s nipples. He whispered to me, “I want to make you feel real good tonight. Tell me what I can do for you.”
He’d already slobbered up and down my pole for a long time, at that point. He’d pinned me down and licked my armpits, and had kissed the back of my neck very gently and sweetly. I like the guy, but it was still with a little trepidation and shyness that I asked, “Could you eat me out?”
Because, as I’ve said before, I’m incredibly shy of asking for attention back there. It takes a real effort of will to do it, and I dislike myself for having to struggle. Being able to ask a guy to munch on my hole is basically the last, lingering remnant of that night twenty-five years ago when a man sexually assaulted me.
Even after my buddy asked the question, I lay there struggling, listening to two people inside me having an argument.
Frightened Me: Can I ask him to do this?
Assertive Me: Of course you can. You know this guy. You’ve been with him a dozen times.
Frightened Me: I’m just so shy. . . .
Assertive Me: You know he likes to eat your ass.
Frightened Me: But. . . .
Assertive Me: Get over yourself and ask him.
When finally I did ask the question, my buddy responded with enthusiasm. He pulled a pillow down and stuck it under my hips, to get my ass in the air. He spread my legs, and buried his face in the cleft. And he really went to down on me, for a good ten minutes. I went from tense and apprehensive to cautious and wary, and then for a couple of minutes down to completely relaxed and blissful.
It was while I was still relaxed and not entirely conscious that I felt my buddy shift his weight. He was on top of me, his legs straddling mine, his hand between my shoulders as he held me down. I felt his dick shoving forcefully against my hole. “Whoa, whoa, WHOA!” I yelled.
“Just let me put it in,” he whispered. “Ssshh. Let me put it in.”
“I don’t want. . . .”
“It’ll hurt but then you’ll like it,” he said.
All I knew is that it hurt. I like to think that when I enter a guy, especially a tight guy, I make it as pleasurable as possible under the circumstances. He wasn’t doing any of that. It just hurt, and he didn’t much care.
This is what you get for asking for it, whispered Frightened Me, all his worst fears justified. You wanted him to eat you. This is what you get. You can’t ever ask for it again.
For what seemed like a long time, but was probably no more than a minute, I lay there helplessly and let him poke at me, feeling like I’d brought it on myself. Then Assertive Me reared his head. “This isn’t working,” I announced, and wriggled out from under him. “Thanks for trying, though.”
I was grabbing my T-shirt and putting it on, followed by my shorts, which any reasonable person would take as a cue to go. My buddy automatically followed suit. We didn’t say anything until we were down by the front door again. “Sorry about that,” he said. “You sure are tight.” I just pressed my lips together in a wry line.
Even as I stood there, hating myself for what I’d asked for, I knew I couldn’t let myself off the hook. I know that not every guy plans to take advantage in such a clumsy and skill-less way. I know that I can’t use this as a justification for feeling miserable for not getting what I want and simultaneously not doing anything about it. It didn’t work this time. But the next time I ask a guy to rim me, he’ll do it and not assume I’m inviting him to anything more. And the next time. I just need to keep asking, and not settling for anything less than total respect.
My buddy paused by the front door as I opened it for him. “I hope you’ll see me again soon.”
“Of course,” I told him, before gesturing him out.
It was a bald lie.
Well...damn. This one hit way too close to home; I'm roaring inside. Once again you've managed to precisely convey what most people just muddle their way through feeling, and been brave enough to put it out in public. Well done (and I seriously want to kick that guy's ass right now LOL).
ReplyDeleteDawn,
ReplyDeleteI'll give you an address. Butt-kick away.
Me, too! Me, too!
DeleteJPinPDX
Thats fucked up he didnt pick up in what you wanted. Meeting your partners needs is critical to hot sex. The only thing with this story is that i would be terrified you wouldnt be honest if i fucked up. I would rather you tell me than to lose you . . . .
ReplyDeleteHow sad... I hope the "connection" isnt lost forever... that would be really sad... maybe let some time pass, have him over again and show him hos this is supposed to work (hinthint)(lol) and let him know that rimming is not an invitation to just shove it in there, skillessly...
ReplyDeletehope you're feeling better...
the Dr.
It took a lot of courage for you to post this entry; thanks. Let me know if you want me to put a little Wiccan whammy on him.
ReplyDeleteWow...all it takes is a moment to make all the bad memories come flooding back, huh? Sad, because it sounds like with a little more attention, and a little more care, he might have been able to get you to ask him for that. He lost out on a very good thing.
ReplyDeleteJeezzz.
ReplyDeleteAre you some sort of a tease??? He was/is your friend, you gave him some misdirection, and now you are pissed at him?? He thought he was doing what you wanted, but blundered badly in the execution. He may not be a top, so his skills may be lacking. Cut him some slack!
Cheezus-fucking-rice! Are you a brainless twit? There was no misdirection: “Could you eat me out?”. There is no "then fuck me" there. Not even implied! The ass took it upon himself that he would go farther than was asked. And ignored the signs that he shouldn't. The blundering was worse than badly executed, it was at best a selfish partner blindly overstepping boundaries and at worse an emotionally brutalizing act. It's not slack that should be cut on him. And your ignorance of what consensual activities are is no excuse for berating the victim of such abuse, unintended as it may have been.
DeleteJPinPDX
Sorry about last night. I appreciate you keeping it real by posting about your bad encounters as well as the good. I enjoy reading them all.
ReplyDeleteskyler007
ReplyDeleteCut him some slack? That was borderline attempted rape. When someone says "whoa" it means stop. He didnt stop. Do you think women ask for it by wearing short skirts too?
Idiot.
Johnny,
ReplyDeleteIt is a pity I couldn't be more honest with him afterward, but you know, if he'd been more upfront in his communication beforehand, I might've been the same after.
Dr.,
ReplyDeleteI'm doing all right. Thanks for your concern, truly.
Doc_Rob,
ReplyDeleteIs that possible? No, I think being a dick is its own punishment. Thank you though. :)
Joe,
ReplyDeleteYeah, it's a shame he didn't attempt to talk me through it. That I might've found arousing.
Skyler,
ReplyDeleteHow correct you are. I am indeed a tease. I should've known, when I requested for someone to rim me, that I was really begging to be fucked without being asked. You are one smart cookie. I should've laid there and taken it like a bitch, no matter how unwilling I was. All for the sake of his feelings, right? Because after all, I deserved it?
Don't condescend to me with that pathetic world view, son. My life's not a subtlety-free, steaming pile of would-be erotic prose that even nifty.org would pass over.
I wish I could say I was surprised to see this kind of response in my own blog, but I'm not. Over the years I've learned that it's typical of a mentality so self-involved that it sees other living creatures as objects solely made for one's own manipulation.
Skyler, I'm not a praying man, but I am offering up to the deities a silent plea that none of your friends, should you have any, and none of your family are ever subjected to sexual assault and its lingering aftermath. Because if that's what passes for empathy with you, god help them. They're going to need it.
I'm also throwing up a prayer for you, Skyler, that in your life you never have to encounter any violence to your person or to your psyche, or indeed, any loss or tragedy of any kind. Because frankly, it's going to take more than your current level of maturity and insight to handle it.
Luv2suk,
ReplyDeleteYou're a peach. Thank you.
Tiggybubba,
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the backup. :-)
I love what you wrote to Skyler you captured it all. I want to give my ass and make love to you and whipe away this bad experience
ReplyDeleteI find this discussion very interesting. I'm sorry you had to respond to Skyler in the way you did because I think he made a valid point. You, of all people, should understand what happens in sexual situations. How many times have you entered/described an erotic situation that turned into something else--sometimes positive, sometimes not? Didn't I just read how upset you were when men used you to get off and then left? Isn't that abusive? Yet, you never write about protesting to the guy that his behavior is unacceptable. I guess that neuron path is not as strong as the assault one.
ReplyDeleteUnless you start with a contract and a check list--which is often used in S&M situations and in some of the hook-ups you describe--how are the two people to know each other's boundaries except by trial and error?
I understand how rimming has attached itself to rape in your neurological pathways. You want it, but... I once had a Body Electric friend who had been raped at a young age. As such, his ass was very tightly closed like yours is. I was massaging him and started working on his butthole. He protested. I told him I would do anything he wanted. I would stop or I could move forward step-by-step. If anything caused him discomfort he could stop me. In short, he was in control of the situation. He agreed with this contract and for the first time in many years he experienced the pleasure he had denied himself for so long all because we negotiated the relationship. From that moment on, his butthole became Ground Zero and he had many happy anal experiences. So I know that the situation you described could have had a happier ending. (I think, in part, it was successful because this was an erotic, not a sexual, situation. In your case, it was about sex and assplay often leads to fucking. In our situation, we were just doing assplay, period.)
When there is no negotiation, there will be moments when you bump up against boundaries, where one person has to tell the other what is and is not acceptable. In this case, because he did not know your rules he crossed the line by insisting. You gave in which set up the activation of your "rape" memory. Now in hindsight, he becomes the villain while you're the innocent. In reality, you both played a role in creating this conflict.
But when you finally found your voice and stopped, he stopped, too. At that point did you tell him why you stopped, that you don't like being fucked because it's too painful, that you were once assaulted, that you like being with him but won't again unless he accepts your boundaries? In other words, did you have a Learning Conversation? No. Because we don't believe sex and Learning Conversations work well together when, in reality, they can clear the air and make for a more heightened experience. Instead you lied to him. So there was no opportunity for him to express his feelings about the situation.
The most difficult task we have is accepting our role when a conflict arises. It's too easy to blame the other person when, in most cases, that's not the full story. There were two adult people in that bed. It was both their responsibility to negotiate the situation. And you both failed. If you liked being with him in the past and he seems to want to get together again, my advice is to negotiate the situation prior to meeting as you do with many other guys with whom you hook up by explaining your boundaries and expectations. Then, listen to his. If you can come to an agreement, go for it.
Meanwhile, I love reading your blog. You describe the details of the interactions so well. I feel as if I'm in the room with you.
Barryearle,
ReplyDeleteI will say at the front of what's going to be a lengthy response that you have a few valid points.
It is unfortunately, however, that you use a lot of negative language in trying to make your thesis—words like 'blame' and 'villain' and 'failure.' I'll be honest: I found your reply uncharitable.
At no point in my original entry did I ever use language that cast my partner for the evening in negative terms. I didn't call him a villain. I didn't state that his behavior was unacceptable (though I didn't welcome it), or that of a villain.
My original entry was sheerly an examination of my feelings and my thoughts at the time of the incident. It was an examination of my shortcomings—which is why I titled the piece with that word. To insist that I painted my partner in the encounter in negative terms is simply a bad reading, and unkind in the bargain.
My reply to Skyler skewed in a more negative direction, yes. But that was solely because of his accusation that it was my fault for teasing the guy. Fuck that. And if people really believe that my asking for a rim job means that I teased a guy into fucking me, I'll say this: fuck them too.
The only reason I have addressed my sexual assault within this journal is because the first time I alluded to it, I received an outpouring of thanks and acceptance from readers. The only reason I've continued to address it from time to time, or to write an entry such as today's, is because I have received private emails from many readers who have thanked me for touching on their own experiences and giving voice to their own fears. It is not because I have invested a lot of psychic energy in painting myself as a victim.
To insist that I should have turned the experience into a Learning Conversation is, I think, both unreasonable and misguided. I am not a professional rape survivor counselor, nor a social worker. I am never going to be able to have a triggering encounter that scares me shitless—and I was scared shitless here—and then moments later be calm and collected enough to sit down with the person who triggered it and explain to them with cool logic my thought processes and feelings. In fact, I'd say that if I did what I did last night, which was to bring the encounter to an amiable and polite end and escort the guy out with no hard feelings, I'm doing pretty damned well. Yes, I lied to the guy. The word 'lied' was my own. But my instincts were to preserve myself by getting away from him, and I honor those instincts.
Barryearle, if you're a rape survivor who can turn a triggering event into a Learning Conversation moments later, more power to you. You're a better man than I. You win! I, however, have shortcomings, and I admit to them in writing.
Thank you for your compliments on my blog, but I can't help but react with dismay to your comment. I suspect you mean well, but so that this can be a learning experience for us both, let me advise you on a couple of things. When someone is in a vulnerable state of mind—and writing about it for thousands of strangers—maybe it's not best to slap with with pejoratives like blame and failure or to put words like villain and victim in his mouth. Nor would I advise putting the word 'rape' in quotation marks, as if its use or occurrence is debatable. I was raped, years ago. It wasn't "rape," wink-wink, nudge-nudge.
But most of all, I advise not saying that a dick who says I was teasing my partner and therefore deserved what I got, has a good point.
I'm aware I sound angry. I am. I am seriously having second thoughts about ever having brought up my assault at all. More especially, I wonder if I'll address it ever again, given the tenor of some of the responses today.
You spent a lot of time expaining a lot of things here, but the bottom line is that "no" is "no." You don't stick you dick in somebody's ass unless you know it's welcome there, and your trick acted like an asshole. Nobody asks to be assaulted. Well, not unless they say "please assault me," but that's a whole other topic. Anyway, anyone (see above) who has anything critical to say about you here is an idiot.
ReplyDeleteFella,
ReplyDeleteThanks for speaking out for me. It means a lot.
Hey man, just read your blog, and whilst this guy obviously got caught up in the moment, what he attempted was just not acceptable. I would feel violated and betrayed if this had happened to me. Hope that you are okay. Lip
ReplyDeleteLip,
ReplyDeleteThanks for checking in. You know I am grateful for it.
Oh, I really don't blame the guy for getting caught up in the moment at all, and never in my entry said anything negative about him for doing it. I was simply trying to capture my own reactions to something happening I didn't expect, or necessarily want.
I am sorry but this is bull shit. First this is Steed's blog. He could easily decide not share his inner most stuff. I wouldnt blame him if he shut it down. Secondly, to criticize him for not grinning and bearing it is absurb and frankly shameful. Lets back to hot sex where is Scruffy?
ReplyDeleteJohnny, my little bulldog,
ReplyDeleteI'm not shutting down anything. I am taking a step back for a day or two until I calm down some. If you want to pick up Scruffy's scent and track him down for me, I'll be glad to let you off the leash.
Yes your my man so whatever you say :) how about you fuck both Scruffy and I alternating lol i am a perv
ReplyDeleteI don't blame you fella, at all. He got caught up in the moment, YES. He went TOO FAR. And yes, the pricks that have said you should have just let him get on with it should be ashamed of themselves!
ReplyDeleteWhat bath you fuck at?
ReplyDeleteIt may be a little late in the thread to add anything new, but I can't not say something. You've allowed us to "Meet The Breeder" on so many levels and through so many layers; you've allowed unmoderated comments on every subject and encouraged (and participated in) the discourse. And while you may look at certain traits as shortcomings, when viewed from our more subjective cyber-distance, they just add to your strengths. You may dislike your perceived shortcomings (who doesn't?)—but you still trot 'em out here for the world to see. And then let us throw bouquets and brickbats.
ReplyDeleteYour vulnerability is real and raw. Completely (if uncomfortably) human, stripped of the "super powers" of lighter, more playful posts. More naked than when you're naked. But never more unfeigned and unaffected. Or affecting.
I'm sorry you had the experience (with your friend) the other night. You handled it—in the moment—the best way you could. And I'm sorry you've had the experience (with imperfect strangers) you've had here. Your undisguised and unvarnished responses to certain comments were written of hurt and anger; that damn all-too-human vulnerability thing again. They were authentic. And appropriate. And reveal yet another layer that makes you even more (for lack of a better word) irresistible.
As has already been said, it's your blog and you can say whatever you damn well please. But I hope "the tenor of some of the responses" here won't cause you to censor yourself. We'd be the worse for it.
And I hope your bad experience of the other night won't give Frightened You more credence than he deserves. Assertive You was right. Maybe just with the wrong guy.
Thank you—again—for all you share.
This is pretty explosive stuff. I have hesitated commenting because I have my own interpretation of mixed and missed signals here. Here is my take, though.
ReplyDeleteLike most guys, you enjoy a good rim job. But you hesitate to ever ask for one, because, a la Proust, you associate asking a guy to eat you out with that last act the night 25 years ago before you were raped.
When your buddy crossed the line the other night and tried to fuck you against your will, he should have backed off immediately when you said whoa to it. That's the simple part.
Your dilemma is you are going to have to spell out explicity that when you are asking for a rim job, that's all you want.
If you ask someone to eat you out with no strings attached, then I think it is fair for the rimmer to assume that this is a prelude to him fucking you.
I see the problem; I just don't know what the correct answer is (if there even is a correct answer). Communications in the heat of sex can be complicated, and often misunderstood.
As always, I applaud your bravery and honesty in revealing your inner thoughts to us.
-Bob
Dear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteIt's sweet of you to come out of the woodwork again when you smelled a little blood, so you could dog-pile on with your would-be hurtful comments. Do you feel like a big boy, now, posting your snide remarks anonymously?
In answer to your question: they were where your balls are. In other words, totally absent.
Throb919,
ReplyDeleteYou're a good guy to stand up for me like that. Thank you.
My experience the other night was really just one of those things. My experience here, however, with a certain breed of commenter, has been frightening, frustrating, and almost enough to make me swear off posting.
Loadseeker Bob,
ReplyDeleteI know you mean well, and I agree with you on everything except for the assumption that anyone who gets to rim a hole is safe in thinking he can fuck it. One is often a prelude to the other, but I have never, ever had anyone assume that just because they rim me, they get to fuck me. Not when I present myself as a top guy, have never expressed interest in getting fucked, nor have invited that particular guy to top me in our previous interactions.
If I have to make spell that out every time I have analingus, I might as well just stop having it.
I don't necessarily blame the guy for trying, though I would have appreciated it more if he'd, you know, ASKED me instead of just trying to force it in. I've said repeatedly that I didn't vilify the guy while he was there, nor even after in my entry.
What does bother me are the commenters who said that simply because I asked for a rim job, I deserved to be fucked, or that I'm a failure for not turning a scary moment into an Afterschool Special educational experience. I feel far more violated by several people who've commented than I did by my partner that night.
Well, you've made it clear that you're a top, and that means the guy should have asked verbally, unless you grabbed his dick and aimed it at your ass yourself.
ReplyDeleteAbsent that self-identification, it's not totally horrible to give it a try (talking during sex often kills the mood).
However, where I disagree with you is that he didn't do anything wrong. He failed to stop when you said "Whoa!" That's very, very wrong. Unless it was an established BDSM scenario (where you'd have a safeword to use instead of 'whoa') 'whoa' means "no," and 'no' means "no." He should have stopped right then.
Your particular issues made it worse for you, but that does NOT excuse him. Don't feel guilty about not seeing him any more. He does not respect your limits. You were nicer to him than he deserved, and while I suspect that's partly out of guilt (over something that wasn't your fault at all!), but mostly because you're a decent, nice person and you don't really enjoy being nasty at people, even people who deserve it.
I'm sorry that that happened to you, and I hope nothing like that ever happens to you again.
Christopher
"If I have to...spell...out [that rimming is not a prelude to being fucked] every time I have analingus, I might as well just stop having it." As you have read in several comments, some guys do believe analingus is a prelude to getting fucked. If you met one of them in your journeys, you probably would find yourself in the same situation you did with your friend. Unless you make it clear that it's not a prelude, then you probably should avoid analingus. That's all I'm saying (as did two other commentators): sexual intimacy involves negotiation. If the ground rules aren't established right up front, there's going to be some bumps in the bed. This isn't about blaming or criticizing you or for not turning a scary moment into an Afterschool Special (which, by the way, had some valuable things to say to young people, dealt with the subjects of AIDS and homosexuality among other topics, and won 18 Emmies and a Peabody Award along the way). This is about the dynamics that two people set into motion when they are following their instincts instead of negotiated boundaries during a sexual encounter.
ReplyDeleteI know about your shortcomings and what happened when your Assertive Self took control. But now after all these comments and back-and-forth and your emotional response to the comments, I'd be interested in reading what role, if any, you might have played in creating this situation?
Christopher,
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your sane and supportive perspective. Thank you.
Barryearle,
ReplyDeleteListen up. Self-aware as you apparently like to think you are, your entire rhetorical strategy across both your comments is to attempt to make me justify my own actions to you, and to accept blame (and yes, you are blaming me, whether you wish to admit it or not). In short, they're designed to put me on the defensive. I'm not going to play your game.
The fact that you attempt to do so while trying to make it a learning experience for me is patronizing and, worse, passive-aggressive. In its own very special way, it's an assault that's just as bad as any penis poking me in a spot I don't want it. And I am making very clear to you here and now that I won't have it any more.
If you would like to formulate comments that are free of your judgment words (and I'm adding 'emotional' to the list, since you clearly seem to find emotions irrelevant and not worthy of consideration) and are not intended to put me on trial, I'll be glad to allow you to post them. Until then, I invite you to keep your thoughts to yourself.
Nice work, bro. Take your power back from that asswipe.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your response to my comments which were not that well thought out.
ReplyDeleteYour buddy already knew you were exclusively a top guy, and that you had shown no previous interest to him in bottoming.
Your buddy should have taken your request to have him eat you out as just that, and nothing more.
I erred in generalizing that an invitation to rim is a prelude to getting fucked. It certainly does not fit your circumstances.
My apology for my garbled assumption. I think we're in sync. Bob
[deep hard close hug]
ReplyDelete[head rub]
Can't fix anything. But I find the head rub rarely hurts.
Be well.
This post hit a lot of buttons for me. No, I have been lucky enough not to have been traumatized this way. But, in how someone I've come to consider a friend, has been mistreated by those with closed minds, their own agendas or simple ignorance. Rob has graciously allowed us to share his life experiences and his perceptions of them. Here was one that began well, became highly (emotionally/physically) painful and ended civilly. Not all understood what they read. Rob was sharing something with us that by doing so left him vulnerable. I, for one - and not the only one!, - thank him. With all my heart. Such generosity he's given us, only praise is deserved. Any any other discussion should keep that in mind and remain civil. Not least myself.
ReplyDeleteJPinPDX