Sunday Morning Questions: Retrograde Edition

Whenever something weird is going on in my life, I can count on my big brother to explain it for me. Of course, his explanation is always astrological. If all my friends are contentious with me, or if everyone seems to be in a bad mood, my first instinct is to look at myself and wonder what I'm doing to get that kind of reaction—maybe I'm being a real bonehead in the first case, or maybe I'm the one with the bad mood in the second, and I'm just projecting it on others. For him, though, the causes are pretty cut-and-dried. Mercury's in retrograde, or Uranus is in the moon's third house.

Or something like that. I have another friend who blames everything on the full moon—the obvious blame for all manner of lunacy. If things are particularly crazy in his life, he'll throw up his hands and say, "Well, it's only a few days before the full moon." Or, "Whaddaya expect? The full moon was just last week." Once when he said "It's gotta be the full moon!" when some drivers were acting particularly strange on the freeways and we'd almost gotten into our third collision of the day, I yelled (with my fingernails clawing the dashboard) "It's a NEW MOON TONIGHT!" And of course he blamed my crankiness on that.

So I don't know whether it's a full moon or Mercury in retrograde in what this week, but dang, the internets have been weird. There were the usual ho-hum rude comments in the blog—those I'm used to, and even the commenters didn't seem particularly inspired to say anything interesting or even that sensical. But the guy who wrote me three emails to chew me out for being a race traitor? That took some seriously inspired craziness to pull off. Plus I don't think I've ever heard the offensive phrase (and excuse my use of it) 'nigger-lover' outside of To Kill a Mockingbird before . . . and I was raised in the South.)

I'm not sure how to explain except by the phases of the moon the guy who sent me two emails asking me if I was into chubby guys wearing pink bunny outfits. Because the answer is that of all the many things I have been into in my lifetime, that simply is not one of them.

The guy who went on a email tirade about me using my blog as self-validation might have had a point, but it'd have been a point I'd take better if he hadn't preceded them with a dozen needy, attention-grubbing, stalkery emails demanding that I validate him instead. Or maybe it was the constellations, driving him batty.

And as for the strange coincidence of no less than seven guys hitting me up Friday for sex, all of whom had in their online profiles some variation of the phrase, I am not looking for hook-ups so be classy and don't ask me!, well, it has to be some occult juxtaposition of the stars making it happen. Why else would men so staunch in their resolve weaken and ask for that they so firmly insist will never take place?

All I'm asking is for my astrologically-inclined readers to use what sway they have and shove those planets back in their proper houses next week, because I am not sure I can cope with too much more crazy. I've got enough of it in my real life without it crawling out of every USB port. Okay?

Edited to add: I posted this entry this morning, then almost immediately had this email exchange with someone:

HIM: DO U WANT ME 2 POST UR NAKED PICS ON FACEBOOK
ME: No.
HIM: U ASHAMED????
ME: No. But I don't give you permission to repost pics that are mine.
HIM: 2 LATE LOL!!!

Apparently the stars are still out of whack, to say the least.

Now, let's get to some questions from formspring.me.


do you have anal sex with women & if u do are the sensations different from arse banging a man

I've noticed that while men will often shoot without touching when they get butt-fucked, women often (it's not a universal, but it is definitely a trend) climax harder anally than vaginally.

For the guys, it's a physiological thing that comes from having the prostate hammered in just the right way. For the women, I suspect there's a bit of a taboo coming into play mentally, but they also tend to get a lot more direct manual clitoral stimulation than when there's a dick in the way.



Gamer that you are, and an apparent science fiction fan (if I may use the word,) have you ever played EVE Online?

I have not. I like the idea of SF-based games; Traveller and Gamma World were the only RPGs I played in my pre-video-game-era teens, and I used to love the Escape Velocity space trader games on my Mac. The only MMOs I've ever played were World of Warcraft (for six years) and Lord of the Rings Online (for one month), and I was such a WoW fanatic for a while there that I didn't think I had the room in my life for another MMO such as EVE Online.

The main reason I never attempted to get into EVE is that it has—and don't try to convince me otherwise, because it's a consistent bragging point for its players—a pretty steep learning curve. I'm also enough of a carebear that I don't like the sound of losing a ton of assets and invested time playing because of some asshole blowing up my ship.

You'd probably guess from that statement I didn't like the WoW PvP servers. You'd be right. I got a warlock to level 60 on one of them in the pre-expansion days, then abandoned it because I was tired of Alliance making me kill them when I was trying to collect herbs in the Eastern Plaguelands.

And besides, I can't start EVE now. I'm too busy playing Diablo 3.



You're a sexy funny man,please tell me you find horny slim dark haired women ok,cos you surely broke the mould when you were born

You are right on all points, one hundred percent. I'm so glad to appeal to you, baby.

Now what penis cream or herbal pills are you trying to sell me?



When you go out, what do you usually wear?

When I go out of the house, you mean?

Usually it's something of a novelty if I wear actual clothing.



When do you find yourself most inspired to write?

I have always tended to do my writings in the early mornings. I don't often find myself 'inspired,' though. I treat it as a task to be done, and I pay full attention to it. I'm more of a believer in perspiration than inspiration.



I recently began talking to a man who has children and likes being called sir. He was emphatic that he should be called daddy. Has having offspring influenced how you connect with others on an intimate level?

'Daddy' is a word that guys start using when you reach a certain age. In porn, it's when you hit thirty. In real life, it's a decade later. And it happens whether you like it or not. I've known men who were truly, truly offended when someone used it on them.

Some guys get really turned on when they find out a guy's sired children, though. In those cases, the use of 'daddy' gets a little more literal. And it's exciting to turn a guy on who loves consuming daddy dick.