Showing posts with label meta. Show all posts
Showing posts with label meta. Show all posts

Monday, July 14, 2025

A Catch-Up Post

I apologize for not having posted an essay here lately. The last couple of months have been unexpectedly busy for me and I've had very little time to carve out for sexual adventures, much less writing about them. 

I did have a fun vacation last week, though, so I'll be working on a couple of essays arising from that. 

In the meantime, let me catch you up with a few announcements about some of the various creative endeavors that have been occupying my time.

A New Book



I've got a new story appearing in the anthology Come Young and Old: Gay Age Gap Erotica, out July 29th. This is another in the vintage-style pulp paperback series from Peter Schutes Publishing. As the title might imply, all the stories within deal with older dad types doing dirty things with younger son types. It's raunchy as hell and you'll love it.

My story, The Good Dad, is largely autobiographical in its storytelling, yet culminates in a fictional climax based on one of the few things that's never happened to me, though I wish it would. Some of you might guess what that is. The rest of you will have to read to find out. 

And then track me down to make it happen. (Please?)

Come Young and Old is available for preorder from Amazon.


A New eBook


My novella, On the Block, is available in ebook format  at a number of different outlets. On the Block is set in 1980 and is the story of Nicky, a street hustler trying to escape a small Southern town by latching onto and then seducing a big-city reporter. In previous essays I've talked about how the story's set on a vanished cruising area from my own youth, though Nicky and his adventures are entirely fictional. 

Previously, the story was part of the Hustlers, Hoboes, and Outlaws anthology (still available in paperback, by the way!). 

If you order from Smashwords, throughout the month of July 2025 you can purchase On the Block for a mere $2.50. I don't know anything else that can give you as much pleasure for that price.

Amazon: amzn.to/4kfvxuM

Smashwords: bit.ly/4dAv7wH

Kobo: bit.ly/4ke3onZ

Barnes & Noble: bit.ly/3Z12ZfZ

Apple Books: books.apple.com/us/book/on-t...


Me: Live!


If you're interested in hearing—yes, I said hearing—about my creative process when I'm writing, recently I spent an hour talking with the host of the podcast Art in the Raw. The podcast is an outgrowth of Salon Naturale, a North Texas-based community celebrating queer social nudism and creative expression.

I've enjoyed previous episodes of the show because of the laid-back, in-depth conversations it hosts with queer artists of all stripes. Under my J. W. Steed moniker, I was happy to chat about my early inspirations, my journey to becoming a published writer, and the struggles of shifting from mainstream novels to erotica. While yapping at a hundred miles an hour, I even managed to get in some thoughts about my philosophy of writing, and in particular of writing fiction appealing to the sexual urges. 

Much of the discussion focuses on the science fiction novella, Journey's End, which is available in a stunning paperback edition. 

If you're so inclined, give it a listen. I've linked above to Apple Podcasts, but you can find the project at any of your favorite podcast hubs.


And that's it! I'll try to have a new essay for you good people in a couple of weeks. 


 ***

Hey! If you've made it this far, chances are you enjoy my sexual memoir pieces. May I suggest you invest in one of my works of sexy erotica? 

If you enjoy vintage-style collections of hot, retro-themed gay fiction penned by some great authors of man on man erotica, please consider supporting me with a purchase of either Dirty Dorms & Fresh Men (which features my story Sleazy A), Hustlers, Hoboes, & Outlaws (which features my story On the Block), Same Sex: Gay Science Fiction Clone Erotica (which features my story Journey's End), or Come Young and Old: Gay Age Gap Erotica, (which features my story The Good Dad).

Sleazy A is also available in epub format from Smashwords and in Kindle format from Amazon.

The publishing house for these projects can be found at Peterschutes.com . There are already many vintage-style pulps on sale over there, with more to come. If you sign up for the site's newsletter, you’ll be eligible to receive a free eBook.

Supporting my erotic fiction helps me maintain this blog and the erotic memoir pieces I've produced here for over a decade. 

Sunday, September 1, 2024

Hustlers and Hoboes and Funerals

Thank you all for the many kind comments and emails I received after my last post here. I’m truly grateful for the support.

It’s been two weeks since my father passed. The shock of it has receded—somewhat, anyway. This last week, I traveled to Virginia for the viewing and funeral. Much to my surprise and relief, both went off not only without a hitch, but without any hurtful antics from the people I thought might cause a ruckus. My mom’s funeral, almost exactly thirty years ago, was a fucking circus thanks to a couple of family members. Everything this week, though, proceeded smoothly. Several old friends from middle and high school who’d happened upon my dad’s obituary in the local paper stopped by to say hello after several decades. I was pleased to talk with a number of my dad’s colleagues from his department at the university, who shared stories about his teaching legacy.

Most importantly, I was able to grieve without enduring any shenanigans.

My dad and I had a great and close relationship. I shared just about everything with him; he knew he could count on me in a crisis. Neither of us harbored secret resentments or grudges. Throughout my adult life, neither of us left anything unsaid. If we argued—and late in his life, we argued a lot about his hoarding, his stubborn refusal to consider downsizing or moving into assisted living, and his insistence that long-expired food was safe to eat—we said what was on our minds, hugged it out, and would always conclude the debate with a reminder that we loved each other. Total frankness and unconditional love: I think it’s the ideal relationship a kid can have with his parent. I was very fortunate to enjoy it with both of mine. It’s why, when both died, I mourned and continue to be sad at their loss, but I don’t have any issues left unresolved or guilt eating away at me.

It’s also why, when at various events this week people would say to me, Your dad really loved you, I confidently could reply, Thank you. I know.

One of my dad’s neighbors down his old street held a reception after the funeral. During the last couple of years, she’d been generous with him, bringing him the occasional meal when she’d made extra, or picking up treats from the supermarket. She’d also been something of a pain in my ass during the same time period. Every one of her favors struck me less like real altruism and more like a threatening quid pro quo, with my dad getting all the quids and me having to take care of the quos.

She’d take my dad a yummy dinner and tell him that oh, by the way, did he know his sagging wooden shutters were really bringing down the tone of the neighborhood? He really needed to take care of that. She and her daughter might present my dad a miniature Christmas tree during the holidays, while hinting it was a real shame how raggedy his boxwoods were getting, when all the houses around him had such nice front yards. Then my dad would report back to me how nice she’d been and what she said, and I’d have to hire handymen and landscapers to fix things up, to keep on this woman’s good side. The neighbor felt like a homeowner’s association Karen determined to enforce an imaginary neighborhood standard by holding my dad’s welfare hostage.

I wasn’t happy about having to leap whenever she decided my dad wasn’t doing his part to keep up the tone of the street—nor was I thrilled about the homophobic microaggressions I’d endure whenever I had to deal with her in person. It was because of those that I wanted to skip the reception entirely. But my dad had always been appreciative of her kindness, so I went.

It was a nice reception, sure. There were little sandwiches on buns. I love a little sandwich. What I don’t love, though, is being cut down by a meddler making passive-aggressive comments about my Northern lifestyle, or when my aunt asked when I had to return to work, cutting in to titter, oh, he’s basically retired, isn’t he? No, bitch. I am not retired, basically or remotely. Why diminish my teaching and writing in that way?

And she, like so many others, said, “Your dad really loved you!”

And I smiled and said, “Thank you! I know!”

She thought my reply the most hilarious thing ever. “I know!” she repeated, as if I’d let loose some delicious riposte. “I said your dad loved you, and you said, you know!” She laughed and walked away, shaking her head, leaving me clenching my fists and wondering if I had the nerve to do an upper decker in her downstairs guest bathroom.

My words hadn’t in the least been unpleasant in tone. I didn’t at all get her condescension. If she were to die, wouldn’t this awful woman want her daughter to carry on secure in the knowledge that she had been loved? Did this woman down the street who only knew my father for a mere four years actually think her words would be a revelation? In her family, is love something that’s never expressed?

If she’d said, I’m glad you know, that would’ve been appropriate! But laughing at my confidence in my dad’s love? I can’t fathom it.

Let the people you love know it, friends. There never should be any doubt.

***

Moving on to some good news: I have a new story appearing in another vintage-style anthology of erotic gay fiction.

This particular collection is called Hoboes, Hustlers, and Outlaws: Bad Boys and Macho Men and will hit the shelves on October 1—exactly a month from today! The publisher describes it as “four tales of riding rails, selling tail, and sitting in jail,” and honestly, I couldn’t describe it any better than that.

(Although to be fair, I managed to get a sneak peek at the jail story and it didn’t involve much sitting. I’m kind of surprised the protagonist could sit at all.)

The novella I’ve contributed is called On the Block. It’s a tale set in 1979 of a young hustler working a small-town beat, who sees a magazine reporter as his easy ticket to the big time—yet it’s entirely possible the city slicker is using him for more than just a story. You will almost certainly be pleased to hear that it features some of the sleaziest and hottest sex I’ve ever penned—including a piss play scene that somehow I made humiliating not for the recipient, but for the guy doing the pissing.

I was so grateful and happy for the reception that my novella Sleazy A received when it appeared in Dirty Dorms and Fresh Men, this summer. Many of my friends and followers took the time not only to purchase and read the tale, but to message me and let me know how much they enjoyed it. More than a handful took photos of themselves (or part of themselves) with the book; a few even allowed me to post those on social media. And I loved doing it! The release felt less like a big party in which everyone celebrated gay erotic fiction. I can’t think of anything I’d rather be doing with y’all.

So let the party continue! Like Dirty Dorms and Fresh Men, you can pre=order the new Hoboes, Hustlers, and Outlaws online, or ask your local brick-and-mortar bookstore to order it for you. Bonus points if you march into a religious bookstore and make the request. If you pre-order in time, you’ll receive the book on release day.

I’ll be writing more in the future about the background behind On the Block. While it is fictional—definitely more fictional than the semi-autobiographical Sleazy A, anyway—a considerable amount of the material draws upon places and people I knew back in my own street hustling days, distant as they are.

And as for my next story, to be published much later this year? While my first two anthology inclusions were rooted firmly in the past, let’s just say the next will take place in a distant future…



Order your copy of Hoboes, Hustlers, and Outlaws from Amazon (available October 1)


Thursday, August 1, 2024

Behind the Story: Sleazy A

I was a slut in college.

I admit it up front. There’s no shame in slutting. The undergraduate years are ripe for experimentation, and if we follow the metaphor to its logical extreme—boy, did I lean into the scientific method. Hard.

I arrived to college in 1981 with a firm sense of my sexuality, and without any shame or guilt. But I wasn’t out. Nobody was out. The adults I slept with weren’t out. Living as an openly queer person might have been an option in bigger cities, but not in the little Virginia college town where I was incarcerated for four years.

None of the students admitted they were gay. Not one. I was a theater major, for god’s sake. The department that statistically should have harbored most of the campus LGBTQ population. While most of my male classmates in the department eventually waved the rainbow flag as adults, in college they were strictly and belligerently straight. Although I ended flat on my back in the beds and upon the desks of more faculty members than I could easily count—including the entire French language faculty (it's a point of pride)—none of them self-identified as gay. Most were married, or ‘bachelors,’ or so deeply shut down that when they would admit light to creep through that closet door, it only betrayed how warped and stunted they’d become.

Despite the denial, it was so easy to get man-on-man action. A short jaunt into Colonial Williamsburg’s tourist area could net you sex with out-of-towners in the public restroom at any time of day, and the tiny park in Merchant’s Square was a hotbed of activity after dark. On campus, two floors of the student center had cruisy restrooms—one for quick pickups, often with horny tourists, another for more extended, dirtier sessions. I could visit the campus library restroom any time after lunch to find both staff and student dick. The gym showers could be cruisy. And if you had a car, the Colonial Parkway offered opportunities for off-road nooky. (And for getting murdered.)

In a quiet corner of the fine arts building was a telephone booth—for you younger folk, that’s a small, quiet room with a very large iPhone bolted to the wall—that after receiving a fresh coat of white paint, mysteriously and rapidly became a beta test for Craigslist personals. Guys looking for sex would scrawl in pencil or marker a brief description of what they wanted. Later, there might be a response with a suggestion of a date and time, and a place for an liaison. Others would counteroffer or write their own brief personal ad. Eventually, that phone booth was a network of cross-chatter assignation graffiti covering all four walls. Sure, there was always the risk of showing up and getting fag bashed, but a smart cookie might keep his wits about him and hook up with one of the weight room jocks, or a frat boy, or one of the sexy geeks with pale skin from spending all their times in the computer science basement lab, feeding punch cards into the mainframe.

We didn’t have apps or browsers or internet, but damn, if we wanted it, we sure got laid.



Last spring, when I was asked to contribute to an upcoming anthology of college-aged gay erotica, I was initially flattered, but dubious. The more details I heard, though, the more intrigued I became. The book was to be released as an actual physical paperback, styled to look like vintage pulps of a previous era. The collegiate theme itself would be retro, with stories set before 1990, at which point digital hookups became more common and then the norm. At the time the anthology was pitched to me, I was exhausted coming off a semester of teaching an unusually heavy workload. I was looking for a writing project that might be fun and completely unrelated to anything related to my workshops. So, I took a leap and said yes.

I came up with the idea for the long short story/short novel Sleazy A in the space of a couple of hours. I envisioned an inhibition-free college sophomore having a picaresque adventure in a single autumn weekend of 1981: one encounter that was nothing but unbridled lust, another with a deeply-closeted and ultimately fucked-up man, and then finally stumbling into an opportunity for a sweeter, but no less hotter, romance.

A lot of Sleazy A is rooted in autobiography. I set the action at my alma mater. The story’s hero, Wick, is perhaps a bolder physical idealization of myself at that age, but I think I remained true to the free-wheeling, sometimes naive mindset I had at the time. 

Wick’s French professor lover is based on the married French professor for whom I would kneel down anytime he looked my way, all my undergraduate years. He was a married man with two very young children; he’d brazenly bring the whole family to the ice cream shop where I worked, pretend not to know me while he bought cones for the kiddies and a sundae for the wife, then squeeze my hand with meaning when I’d give him his change. I really didn’t care about his home life. For four years he was a joyous and uncomplicated friend and provider of big dick, and I was sad never to see him again when I graduated. (I heard from a reader of the blog, once, who’d had a similar relationship with the man, after my time at the school.)

The deeply weird character of M.J., a man so paranoid about being seen with me that he’d make me duck and take cover in the parking lot of his apartment complex, is based on an economics professor whom first I dated, and then later I was stalked by. The meltdown that M.J. has in the story actually happened, and led to my first relationship break-up. Not included in Sleazy A is the back story that M.J. and my dad were college classmates, and M.J. carried a huge animus toward my dad for some mysterious reason. (My father was always a giant affable Golden Retriever of a man, so it’s impossible to conceive of anything he might have done in college to inspire that kind of long-lasting enmity. Also, when I once innocently asked my dad about M.J. and even pointed to his photo in an old college yearbook, my dad had zero recollection of him.) The one-sided feud between them gave any dad/son roleplay I did with M.J. a particularly pointed, yet not-unerotic edge.

And I did meet a sweet red-headed boy named David at M.J.’s place. Here is where memoir and fiction diverge. In Sleazy A, the characters of Wick and David meet and enjoy a sweetly romantic afternoon in a deserted amphitheater at the back of campus. The amphitheater is real. From the 1940s through the 1970s, my college affiliated itself with an outdoor summer patriotic historical pageant/extravaganza called The Common Glory. Actors like Jonathan Frakes and Goldie Hawn and Linda Lavin and Glenn Close earned paychecks from the thing before they made it big. The pageant shut down after the Bicentennial. The president of the Kappa Alpha fraternity used to take me to the abandoned dressing rooms for some very unromantic (but hot) fucking.

In real life, David indeed invited me to meet him at the amphitheater. When he asked, it was very clear he was interested in me, romantically. I waffled over going, but unlike Wick, I ultimately chose not to. I was attracted to David, yet anxious about the implications of getting involved with another student. Older men were my known quantity. I could count on them to keep their mouths shut about my sexuality and our meetings. They had bigger reputations at stake than I. My peers, though, I simply didn’t trust. I’d had other kids attempt to entrap me into admitting my queerness in high school, and my roommate at the time was sexually harassing me in the most painful ways. David felt like a too much of a risk. I chickened out.

David and I longed for each other for the rest of the year. Our paths crossed in the theater department when we were in two different one-act plays playing the same nights, one after the other. Backstage, we would smile wryly at the other from a distance and stare, while I’d ponder what might have been. In the spring, we sat near each other in a seminar on seventeenth-century British poetry. It was torture. All through the metaphysical poets, I was too distracted with longing to listen, or study. As I’ve written about before, at semester’s end, David spoke to me for the first time, after our final class. He pressed into my hand a smooth rock. For a long time it was a gift that puzzled me. One year, much later, I happened to get the rock wet. The water drew out from its surface beautiful, unseen colors and patterns. While staring at the transformation, I understood why it had been his gift. It may have been a reference to one of the poets we’d studied, that semester...I don't know. 

I still have the rock.

David was two years ahead of me, though, and graduated that semester. He moved to New York City to pursue acting. Three years later, he was dead from HIV/AIDS.



It’s been difficult, over the breadth of my life, to grapple with how much the AIDS pandemic has stolen. For so much of it, I was in denial.

I denied it was happening, until I couldn’t.

I denied it was taking people from me, then denied it could take many people from me…until I couldn’t.

I denied, in the face of what I fully expected to be certain death with no hope of a cure, that the pandemic was paralyzing me. That it was making my dreams smaller and smaller. Until, awash in ruin and afraid to hope for any future, I no longer could.

David’s wasn’t the first AIDS-related death in my life. However, his was my first loss of one of my peers, of someone close to my own age for whom I’d had feelings. His was the first death that forced me to me acknowledge that the flood in which I and my fellows were drowning was irrefutably real. No matter how pretty someone might be, or how sweet, or how young, or how beautiful their art—no matter how well educated or beloved a person could be or how far from one of the big coastal cities he lived—he was not immune from dying to a disease at which the public and government merely shrugged. I turned seventeen in 1981, when the New York Times sounded the first warning bell for the virus that would consume so many. I was barely twenty-one when I learned of David’s death.

The last, fictional chapter of Sleazy A is my idealistic attempt to imagine what might have been had I the courage to meet David when he wanted. Yet from the distant future, as an author I also wanted to wrap my protective arms around these two kids. They meet in the very last months before all hell would break loose—the final weeks before all innocence would evaporate. I wanted the fictional Wick and David to experience their love outside the shadow of what was to come. And in the story's conclusion, I wanted to shelter and preserve them in their romantic cocoon, forever suspended in time among the twinkling amphitheater lights.

In a very real, sense, though, I wanted to honor the real David, who died too soon. Nearly a half-century on, I remember and mourn him as a beautiful, red-headed boy who had so much life ahead of him. Like all victims of that ongoing pandemic, he didn’t deserve his early death. In this story, at least, parts of him—his essential sweetness, the sincerity of his gaze, his yearning for another boy—can live on.

Art’s essential triumph is wringing redemption and even joy from the stuff of tragedy. I truly hope Wick’s adventures paint a lively picture of an era vanished forever.


Sleazy A and the anthology in which it’s included, Dirty Dorms & Fresh Men, is available today. I hope you’ll take the opportunity to purchase a copy to read not only my story, but as well the horny tales of other fine pornographers.

Thursday, August 31, 2023

A Pornographer's Manifesto

Author’s note: I talk throughout this essay specifically about pornographic writing. I’m a professional writer, after all. Know, however, my comments apply to all the adult creative arts—erotic charcoals, sexy scenarios you paint on your tablet, explicit filmmaking, and especially that naughty piano sonata for four sexy hands you’re composing as the centerpiece of your Sunday Afternoon Fine Arts Orgy.

I also speak as a cis gay man. Reader, that might not be your perspective nor your audience. I hope you find the philosophies herein malleable enough to adapt into your own. I encourage you to customize them at whim.

If you’re expending your creative efforts in the service of the carnal, or if you’re allowing other adults to enjoy adult content from the fruits of your imagination, you’re my kind of craftsperson.



Sometime during the pandemic, I began listening to podcasts. Yes, I know podcasts have been around forever. Not even when everyone was talking about Serial, though, had I ever been tempted to listen. I never understood the appeal of spending a dozen hours across as many weeks, passively allowing someone to drone out the same information I could cull from a quick one-minute browse on Wikipedia.

Then, in 2020, I found myself trapped in my home for weeks on end with nothing to do but fret. Narrated audio experiences filled a new kind of void. I could kick up my feet in my living room, game controller in hand and something relaxing like Minecraft on the TV screen while a podcast played. The hours wouldn’t exactly fly by, at least they ambled along more amiably than had I tuned into the 24-hour doomcasts on every news channel.

Quickly I accumulated a playlist of favorites. Shows about television and movie history appealed to me, as did programs diving deep into my favorite recording artists. I’ve never been big on true crime—I think it tends toward exploitation and poor handling of victims and bystanders alike—but I did find a couple of investigators who approached their subjects with sensitivity and compassion. Over time, I looked forward to certain shows and began supporting a few on Patreon. When restrictions eased, I continued listening. If I have to make a long car trip these days, I’m more inclined to turn on podcasts than music.

Then came an incident that shook me.

One of my favorite shows that I discovered right at the beginning of my podcast journey shines a light onto a certain type of pop culture specifically through an LGBTQ lens. I clicked with it immediately because of the genial hosts and their clever analysis of a genre many consider to be trivial or disposable. I was so entertained by the enterprise that I started working my way through several years’ worth of their old programs. Every long, isolated afternoon, when I’d unwind with the Playstation, for a couple of hours I wouldn’t miss my pre-pandemic life at all.

In one particular episode, these hosts got onto a tangent involving limericks. They were trying, and failing, to construct a dirty limerick from a specific first line that ended with a tricky-to-rhyme word. After a minute or two, the pair gave up and instead invited listeners to send in their best attempts from that first line. Well. When I was a fifth grader, limericks were my nerdy little thing. I grew up steeped in Edward Lear and fancied myself a real 11-year-old limerick connoisseur. My alarming output of the five-line, anapestic little poems prompted my homeroom teacher to sign me up for a citywide creative writing workshop that set me on a lifelong creative journey.

Plus, I like a challenge.

It was but the work of a few minutes to accomplish what the hosts could not: a perfectly-formed, absolutely filthy little masterpiece of such turpitude that once I’d finished, all I could do was rub my hands together and cackle in glee. After a bit of polishing, I tweeted the thing to one of the hosts and promptly went back to my much grayer, limerick-free life.

I’d actually forgotten about the challenge until a couple of weeks later, when during an ad break to thank their new patrons, the podcasters announced they’d received several limerick submissions. Immediately, I grew excited. My dirty poem was going to make my two favorite podcast hosts laugh! I turned up the volume to hear.

The first few listener limericks they read—well, they sucked. They suuuuuuuucked. The rhymes were terrible, the scansion just plain bad. One wasn’t even a limerick. Inwardly I gloated. I was winning this thing for sure. Okay, it wasn’t and had never been intended as a contest, but I have an unfortunate competitive spirit that manifests itself with obnoxious intensity, if I don’t tamp it down. And on that day, I wasn’t attempting to tamp. I was totally tampless and jittering with anticipation.

Finally it was my turn. The primary host paused slightly before reading off my Twitter handle, then launched into a diatribe that left me hot and flushed with shame. My social media profile, he warned all the listeners, was sexually explicit pornography. It was shocking. He launched into a description of all the things a hapless innocent might find if they were so naive as to dare stumble into my little den of depravity. Nude photos! Graphic depictions of homosexual sex! Licentious behavior! A corruption so absolute that no righteous soul should dare approach! In fact, they didn’t recommend listeners look me up at all, but since I’d sent in a submission, I’d forced their hand.

After what felt like an hour of these preliminary warnings, I think they finally read my limerick. I was in such a state of shock, though, that their reaction swept over me without registering. I felt humiliated at being called out in such a way, by two of my favorite voices, no less—two gay men who’d never spoken ill of anyone save for the LGBTQ population’s conservative foes. It felt like being spit on in passing by Oprah, or having Mother Teresa pick me out in a crowd, point a gnarled finger, and shout, “FAGGOT!”

Still licking my wounds, I visited my Twitter account to survey the broad swath of vice and debauchery I apparently was leaving in my wake. Sure, there were a couple of posts of naked dudes with erections. Many of my Twitter friends—and I choose the word friends here with deliberation—are sex workers. If I’m proud of someone with whom I have a relationship, I’ll spread the word about their accomplishments. Doesn’t matter to me if it’s an academic presenting a talk, a writer with a new article out, or yes, a sex worker promoting erotic videos or a website.

Overall, though? The amount of male nudity on my timeline that day was pretty minimal. Compared to the amount of shitposting I do on Twitter—tweets about campy movies I watch, links to my blog, comments about music I listen to, or reconstructed dialogs I’d had with my dad, or those bizarre conversations I have on the apps in which men approach me with unfathomable rudeness or ignorance—the number of nudes were insignificant. One had to scroll and scroll back weeks’ worth of microblogging to find even one.

At the time, I was confused anyone might feel my cheeky little Twitter profile merited the same neon yellow CAUTION! tape, hazmat suits, and flashing sirens as a nuclear waste spill. And that kind of treatment from gay men? Gay men whose very internet presences were poised on being perceived as thoughtful about LGBTQ culture? It hurt. I didn’t quit listening to their podcast. I was tempted, sure, but I still enjoyed the discussions enough that I thought my life would be the poorer for quitting out of embarrassment and spite.

What happened immediately after, though, is that I caught myself second-guessing everything I posted on Twitter. Was retweeting the glistening torso of my favorite, sweet-hearted, smiling Chaturbate model dragging my timeline into the gutter? Would using the word fuck in a post tip the balance of my tweets from an R rating into NC-17? Should I skip all mention of my own past and present sex work altogether, so I didn’t offend the sensibilities of the more sensitive gays?

For about a month, I began overthinking all my social media interactions. Was I being too filthy? Were people going to perceive me as vulgar? Should I remove any old retweets featuring naked flesh? Should I try in the future to be nice and safe?

The moment I found myself contemplating that word, though—safe—I knew I’d stumbled down the wrong path. Safe is not a word I’ve ever wanted associated with my blog, my craft, or my process. I’m always encouraging my writing students to step outside what’s safe. Their work is stronger when they venture into territory that’s uncertain, even scary. Safe is for the timid. Safe is the unlived life, the long nights spent sitting on the sidelines, the uncorked bottle of wine saved for that never-arriving special occasion, the fruit that withers on the vine. Safe has never been anything that inspired me, nor should it appeal to anyone.

Fuck safe. Remember in the Narnia stories, how everyone always says about Aslan that he’s not a tame lion? I’m not a tame lion, either. I don’t want tame lions for students. I want my aspiring writers to roar.

What I am is a pornographer. I chronicle my sexual history. For thirteen years I’ve kept this blog with zero attempts at monetization. I’ve composed hundreds of essays about my erotic experiences, past and present, for the joy of writing and sharing. That’s how I roar. If pressed, I prefer calling my output sexual memoir: my goal has always been to create prose that’s evocative and textured. Fancy literary terms don’t disguise, though, that I write to heighten the senses, to set the blood racing—I write to arouse.

There’s a conservative world view in which any book containing sexual acts is porn and therefore deserving condemnation, if not outright consignment to a bonfire. Whether written by Nobel Prize Award-Winning author Toni Morrison or by some unknown in the sticky pages of a titty magazine doesn’t matter. Filth is filth. Under that eye, I am that toxic spill of nuclear waste. I’m dangerous to one and all. I’m a moral threat.

Yeah. I write about fucking. I am a pornographer. And you know what? I think you should be a fuckin’ pornographer, like me. Here’s why.


1. Writing Pornography Makes You Better at Sex

Writing about sex requires a specific skill set, whether you’re writing sexual memoir, crafting literary erotica, or tapping out dirty little crossover stories for your favorite fandom about Spock (the hot Strange New Worlds incarnation, not Nimoy) boinking Bucky Barnes.

At the most fundamental, it’s essential to know the mechanics of sex: how the basic acts play out, how foreplay progresses to greater intimacy, the myriad things people find to do with their parts, what happens (or doesn’t) at climax. You might take for granted that in this age of Pornhub and instantly-downloadable depictions of every sexual depravity known to man, animals, and tentacled aliens, that every adult grasps what fits where. I am here to vouch, however, that you are mistaken.

For the better part of a decade, not that long ago, I was a judge of an annual nationwide contest for the hottest sex scenes in unpublished romance manuscripts. The entries were 100% heterosexual and largely (yet not exclusively) written by women. The contest was a big deal for aspiring writers. Winning guaranteed the author an evaluation by the editor of a major publishing house; their manuscript would avoid the slush piles.

Every year, though, I was astonished by the sheer number of entries that showed a shocking and often comical lack of understanding of both male and female anatomy and the sex act itself. It often was as if the authors had not only never engaged in sex, but had never seen or read simulations of it in media, enjoyed a lecture in sex education, or even known anyone who’d gotten past first base. There’s a whole population of adult women out there under the impression that coitus is when a man kisses a woman with an open mouth—and that such s’embrasser can actually lead to pregnancy. It gets worse. In the wee hours of the morning, I am still haunted by the number of scenes I had to endure in which a heroine accidentally had sex to completion with a Toblerone box she mistakes for the rigid member of her slumbering lover.

(How? I hear you ask. A Toblerone box is triangular, with sharp corners, and bears no resemblance to a human penis at all! Why are a man and woman sleeping in a bed with a candy bar? Wouldn’t it get messy, once all that chocolate began to melt? Who explains the stains to the launderer? Reader, your still-traumatized narrator has no easy answers for you.)

But I digress. Writing about sex requires understanding the chemistry of attraction, the ways in which people gaze upon each other, the ways in which their breathing changes as they move close, how they touch and undress and merge. Writing about sex requires knowing its rhythms and having proficiency in its intimacies, being aware of its comical pitfalls and of the potential disappointments a skilled lover strives to avoid.

Knowing what makes a scene erotic, then elevating it above mere mechanics and into something special, heightens the writer’s perceptions and insights. Those color one’s bedroom adventures. Writing about sex makes one aware that every encounter isn’t merely a discrete occurrence or misdeed. Fucking is not something disconnected from the everyday, to be shoved in a hidden cubbyhole. Sex is the merging of two (or more) people’s stories—stories that began long before the rendezvous and continue past it into the future. Time spent with someone else is the ultimate act of authorial collaboration.

Realizing those things, and honoring them in writing, has made me a better lover. It’s given me insight into what motivates many men, and into how, together, we might fulfill our desires and fantasies. It’s made me more forgiving of fault in others—too forgiving, sometimes. Exploring my older stories has helped me to honor parts of my past I used to find overwhelming or shameful, and to recognize what still makes me vulnerable or frightened. And it’s left me with little patience for men who refuse to search themselves or to grow.

Of course, these points are all a subset of an ideal I uphold to all my writing students at the beginning of any given semester: that being aware and observant of the world makes one both a better writer and a better person in general. It’s something I’ve always believed. However, as even the briefest perusal of the literary biographies at your local library will prove, plenty of authors are terrible people who use and spit out the ones closest to them. I’m often not a prize to be around, myself. But I believe writing—and yes, writing pornography—to be a valuable tool for personal growth.


2. Writing Good Pornography Sets the Example for Your Audience

Allow me to discuss, for a moment, the obverse of my previous point.

I’m enough of a dinosaur to remember when pornography was an event. It was planned on the calendar. It took place at a destination to which one traveled. In the olden days, porn wasn’t something pulled up on a smartphone while sitting on the toilet at work. (I’m referring to the early days of porn films, not daguerreotypes with brazen hussies hoisting bustles to reveal their stockings. I’m not that old.)

It was in the early 1970s when my mom applied her lipstick and dabbed herself with Chanel No. 5 while my dad donned his best sports jacket and a clean work shirt for a Friday night out at the movies. The theater was the Biograph, a newly opened art house near the campus where they taught; the movie was the pornographic The Devil in Miss Jones. Yes, once upon a time, pornography was shown in mainstream places to nice middle-class married couples who would dress up to attend. They’d hire babysitters, perhaps have a nice dinner out beforehand, and make a night of it. Once at the sold-out theater, they’d sit quietly with their hands resting on the arms of their seats, observe the widescreen images of people fucking, eat their popcorn, then presumably head home to do something about those uncomfortably tight clothes.


I saw the ticket stubs for The Devil in Miss Jones on my mom’s dresser the next day. Even as a kid, I instantly knew what it was. Pornography was openly discussed in the seventies. New titles were infrequent and well publicized. People swapped opinions on I Am Curious, Yellow and The Opening of Misty Beethoven over meatloaf and spring peas at polite dinner parties. Late-night comedians fashioned monologues around the latest pornographic release, then men and women would repeat their best jokes around the water cooler. Comics like Mad Magazine, though their audience skewed heavily to teens and pre-adolescents, made frequent, uncensored references to Deep Throat.

Not everyone would see these films, of course, in the same way not everyone flocked to see Herbie, the Love Bug. Attending an X-rated movie was perceived as hip and chic, though most still regarded the genre as dirty. For a good decade, if nice couples desired to view pornography, they would do so in front of other nice people, in nice venues, in nice dress-up clothes and with their pants pulled up and the fly zipped shut.

Pornography didn’t become anyone’s filthy secret until the 1980s, when the volume of cheap porn flicks exploded and what had been mainstream entertainment transformed into sticky cassettes that lurked in the home VCR. I was firmly in my twenties before I saw my first porn flick—a William Higgins film with a dubious soundtrack I selected from a dirty printed catalog that appeared in my graduate school apartment mailbox. To purchase the tape, I had to write a check, send it through the U.S. Mail, then wait six weeks a plain brown package to be delivered. And wow. Was I convinced that transaction was a privilege and a convenience!

I cannot exaggerate how much sex changed, once adult movies could be (more or less) easily purchased via mail order, or rented for private viewing from behind a beige curtain at a mom and pop video store. I’m not referring merely to the frequency one might masturbate to the stuff—though taped porn and the technologies that succeeded it have spawned generations of young people who cannot conceive of self-pleasure without a movie playing. No, what changed were the very acts themselves.

For example: despite having a wildly active sex life during my teens and early twenties, and despite having been a sex worker during that time with hundreds of clients, never once did anyone attempt any rimming. I remember shouting, “Whoa! WHOA!” the first time someone flipped me over and started licking my butt in the late eighties. It was so outré and unimagined an act that I panicked.

“Relax,” said the guy performing this debauched new undertaking on my quivering hole. “I saw it in a porno.”

Now, I’m not saying that prior to 1987, nobody had ever attempted anilingus. My experience tells me that it wasn’t common, however, until we started seeing it on our VCRs. Porn educates its audience. Douching before anal sex was neither widely performed nor expected until 80s films showed us acres of sparkling clean California Blond butts, or until bottom porn stars started sharing their preparation tips. Watersports and double penetration? In my experience, rare before home porn, but much more common after. Straight men wanting women to do butt stuff? You can bet it’s because they’ve seen it in a video. The many straight men these days wanting women to do butt stuff to them? You know know their browser search history contains multiple variations on pornhub milf pegging scenes.

For better or worse, a society’s porn consumption educates and broadens its desires—and you have the opportunity, as a responsible and thoughtful pornographer, to contribute to the tone. Do you want to advertise your sexual hypnotism fetish and normalize it as an outlet for play? Here’s your chance to create a series of hypnotism stories so erotic and compelling that they’ll make a lasting impression on readers encountering it for the first time. What’s your kink? Alien cocoons? Nasty Friends roleplay? Fingerpainting a naked body? As long as it’s between consenting adults, enjoy the fuck out of it and share that love with others. They’ll respond. Think of how much better all those erotic chapter contest submissions would have been, had the writers been inspired by your amazing written or filmed pornography, rather than by Toblerone ads.

I’ve always maintained what I hope is a clear ethic in my erotic writing. I believe it’s important for individuals to explore and enjoy their sexuality. I believe in respecting my partners and their fantasies and in creating a safe space in which they might enact them. I believe in the importance of educating oneself about risk and behaving responsibly when mistakes happens. I believe in making the best with what I’ve been given, of saying yes to opportunities, of opening myself to the bounty the universe presents. I don’t wedge all those themes into every individual essay, but regular blog readers recognize my themes.

Often, my beliefs strike a chord with my audience. If I had a dime for every reader who, over the last thirteen years, told me I’ve changed the ways they think of and approach sex, or who’s slid into my DMs to thank me for helping them learn to say yes to opportunity—well. I don’t want to exaggerate. I’d have enough money for a couple of meals at Taco Bell. But it wouldn’t be a cheap burrito from the value menu. Oh, no. It would at least cover that Mexican Pizza combo, god damn it.


3. Writing Pornography Pisses Off All the Best People

Writing truthfully and honestly about sex and sexual culture, and particularly about queer sex, is one of the most dangerous things a person can do these days. By sharing your work—whether online, or through traditional publishing, or through social media—you are inviting anyone, anyone, to fling your way hurtful comments on your sexual tastes and preferences. Are you a young man in his twenties primarily attracted to daddies? Be prepared to have unknown commenters question your perverted desires and to recommend therapy, prison, or worse. Are you writing sensitive essays involving consensual scenarios of dominance, perhaps with physical, financial, or racial components? It’s best to brace yourself for comments about how sick are your partners and how vile you are for indulging them. Are you writing with flowery euphemisms about the sweet, vanilla sessions of kissing and hand jobs in which you engage with your legally wedded husband? More power to you, but it doesn’t matter. Haters are still going to pop out of woodwork to call you a groomer.

We survive in a culture in which the extreme right wing that doesn’t want the word gay spoken aloud at all. The LGBTQ population lives in fear, in many of my country’s fifty states. They have ample reason. Right-wing rhetoric has stirred up countless hate crimes. Twitter itself has become a cesspool of untrammeled conservative hatred, worse every day, laser-focused upon anyone perceived as vulnerable.

And when you, the artist, write pornography, when you create art from your life and your experiences and do so with sincerity and the desire to share, you are making yourself vulnerable. I have always considered that willingness to be vulnerable, that risky leap of faith an artist takes in releasing his work into the world, as the sweetest of gifts. It’s a beautiful thing, trusting strangers to witness art in its fledgling state, and to have that audience respond to your gift of vulnerability in kind, with generosity of spirit.

It’s soul-crushing when bad actors with worse intentions dogpile upon you to assert their own destructive impulses—particularly when they’re online trolls looking to score invisible points with oligarchs who don’t give a shit.

Don’t expect much of a better reception from many on the left. Your pornography will arouse hand-wringing and concern trolling. If you talk about sex, the other side will think that’s all we’re about! Why can’t you keep things family friendly? I know for a fact that you—yes, you—are acquainted with liberal LGBTQ folk who recoil in horror from drag queens or discussions of trans rights, or who think that men in harnesses, jocks, and chaps are too racy, too much for a big-city Pride event. Sure, a lot of those people might have an alt or a Grindr account where they post naughty photos from the neck down, yet won’t show face or admit to slutting around when no one’s looking. Being honest about their sexual life and desire? It’s not safe.

Hell, even some allegedly progressive gay guys like those podcast hosts, intelligent and articulate as they might be, don’t want to admit that gay men engage in, you know…gay sex. They talk about a gay topic to probably a mostly-gay audience, yet react in abject horror to a fairly mild Twitter feed with a bare modicum of full-frontal male nudity.

As an artist confronted with anger and disgust, you might start editing yourself bit by bit. Like I did for a while, after being called out on that podcast, you can second-guess every word that flows from your brain. You can censor your own work, chip away at your authenticity truth after tiny truth in an attempt to make your art as unobjectionable as possible. Know, though, that every compromise you make, every tiny concession to your invisible enemies, will begin to obstruct your creative flow until one day, it may not flow at all. What you create in the meantime won’t resemble your real, fearless self. It will be a cramped and sorry simulacrum, a duplication sent through the copier too many times until it’s unrecognizable. It might be more innocuous. It won’t be you.

Yet the process of playing it safe and murdering your very soul, frankly, will not win you any converts. It won’t lessen the foaming mouths from the right, nor will it remove the doubts of the tut-tutting left. If an outright masterpiece like The Color Purple can be banned as pornographic, editing a couple of cocks from your sketches or your stories has a snowball’s chance in hell to escape censure.

Don’t be a tame lion. Write to piss off anyone frightened of adult sexual content. Write to make your mommy and daddy cry. Be faithful to your experiences. Nothing created from a stance of integrity is shameful. Do not allow yourself to be shamed.

Roar.


4. Pornography Is an Act of Historical Preservation

No work of art—and I’m including artful pornography in my sweeping statement—is utterly divorced from its time. As someone who writes sexual memoir, I can look back on my body of work and see trends across broad eras. Pre-PrEP vs. the wild explosion of sexual energy after gay men widely started taking Truvada. The carefree social days before 2020 vs. the post-pandemic landscape. It’s wild, looking back on my Twitter feed around the time of the monkeypox epidemic—was it really only last year?—and I was tweeting out like crazy resources and databases for men in the New York City area seeking inoculations.

I spent the better part of two years adapting essays from my blog into full-length memoir that focuses on my teen years as a sex worker during the 1970s. I was really struck, both while doing the research and later while trying to find a new literary agent for this beautifully-written and fucked-up work of art (Hi…still looking for someone unafraid of the subject matter! If you know of an LGBTQ-friendly agent or publisher who’d be interested, slip them my digits, would you?) how uniformly shocked my contemporaries were over how casually and successfully I got into hustling in a decade tucked between Stonewall and HIV. But they shouldn’t be. There’s a reason movies got made with Jodie Foster and Brooke Shields as 12-year-old sex workers in 1976’s Taxi Driver, and 1978’s Pretty Baby. Teen sex work was rampant and ignored in that weird era. Everyone’s darling, Eve Plumb, was selling her body in Dawn, Portrait of a Teenage Runaway, which then spawned Alexander: The Other Side of Dawn, a sequel about her bisexual, teen male counterpart. And these last two movies were made for prime-time TV!


Now, no school guidance counselors in the seventies were advising sex work as a worthwhile career. Parents weren’t saying, “Why can’t you hit the streets, like that nice Jan Brady?” Things weren’t that lackadaisical. But it’s wild, the difference between the swinging seventies and this post-Epstein era. Teen sex work would now never be portrayed with such nonchalance. Nor, as in Pretty Baby, would it be so unwisely romanticized. The work I put into my memoir, uncovering a decade both remote and unfathomable, often felt more like archaeology than writing. I wasn’t striving to defend the customs of that lost era, mind you. But I did work to capture its nuances and unspoken rules, so that others might understand how kids like me could’ve slipped through the cracks.

Every time you craft pornography, you too write as a historian, chronicling the world around you. You’re possibly an anthropologist, recording the cruising spots of your locale, their customs, their clientele. You might be a sociological expert on the dwindling bar culture of today, or the ephemeral customs and rituals of apps like Grindr and Scruff. Or you could take the perspective of a reporter, encapsulating the angst and terror of a gay man living in a red state, or who documents the sexual mores of lesser-known underground movements, like that of competitive leather or a polycule making its own rules.

Even wholly-imagined stories that are way out there speak of our contemporary obsessions. Whether you’re creating fiction or memoir, every tale reflects the time in which it was written.

The simple fact is: we don’t know what’s coming down the road. When I turned 17, the AIDS epidemic descended to decimate the entire tapestry of tearooms, park cruising, and street hustling that had been the only gay fellowship I’d known. I’d foolishly thought that world would last forever. It was never to return. Queer bars might vanish in the next ten years, the very same way. That red state could turn blue. Twitter has had the joy squeezed from it for a long time, and now has devolved into X; similar advances in technology and the companies behind it could render the apps a quaint footnote in future LGBTQ e-textbooks.

“Grindr?” some young future scholar will say, thinking the spelling is a misprint. “What the nanofuck was that?” Then he’ll clear his VR desktop with a blink and twitch his nose to fire up Pervertigo 3000, the latest visual cortex overlay that automatically scans nearby male DNA, extrapolates and projects probable penile length, filters anything less than 20.32 centimeters, and places a red highlight on an eligible subject’s crotch, while displaying all the naked simulated holofantasies his subjects have neural uplinked with the tetraweb.

Help that young scholar, pornographers. Write all the nasty stories about your Grindr hookups that you can, so he can finish his dissertation. Now, while you’ve still got time.


5. Pornography Is Great at Getting People Off

You might even say that’s its primary purpose. The best way to celebrate sex is to share it. When you write an especially steamy story, you’re quickening your reader’s heartbeat. Making skin prickle with sweat. You’re increasing the blood flow to private parts. Causing things to twitch and swell. Maximizing moisture.

Your words, artfully arranged, have the power to persuade your reader to reach down, to unzip, to thrust upwards, to grab what needs attention, to squeeze and pulse and rub. The images you paint will elicit gasps and moans. Hips will gyrate; nipples will ache and beg for attention. Your reader will close his eyes—but then force them open once again because he needs to continue reading. You have snared someone with mere words, and he will follow where you lead.

If you’re lucky, if you’re skillful, you’ll coax him toward a precipice from which he will not shy. Nearer, you’ll inch. With greater speed, his mind will race. He’ll time his strokes to your words, stepping closer and closer until over the edge he plummets, body shaking, semen pouring from his red and stubborn cock. This stranger, someone you have never met or seen, will thrash and rasp and pant to your words. Eventually, as his climax recedes, he will laugh at himself and at the shock of the pleasure you have brought him.

Now, pornography does not have to arouse. It can dumbfound, or disturb, or make its audience chuckle or cry. It can convey multitudes. But I ask you: is there anything more gratifying that bringing someone that pleasure?



I say the following to my students, every semester. Every written word—every work of art—is a declaration of war.

An artist does not stoop to half measures. He writes to stake his claim, to make a stance. To conquer. To persuade. To sway both hearts and minds. Some writers are so skillful they evangelize rivals into followers. Others seek only to lay waste to their foes.

There are all manner of wars. Many are loud and bombastic, sounding of drums and cannon. Other hostilities are settled more stealthily, through the sly insinuation, the gentle innuendo, the poison pill. Some commanders wheedle; some flatter and humor their adversaries into submission.

Make no mistake, though: every artist writes to win.

Pornography can be a weapon in your war. If it is composed from a place of truth and experience, if it is deliberate in its aim, pornography illuminates. Its brilliant light throws into sharp relief what the sanctimonious most fear about themselves; it spotlights hypocrisy and blinds those who would not recognize its virtues. In the hands of an artist, pornography is an incendiary, ready to explode targets of religious and political oppression.

No wonder it frightens those accustomed to staying safe.

This is why I write pornography. Not because it’s easy. Not for fame or quick cash. I write pornography because sexuality is our gift from the universe. I write because it’s important to record, to preserve, to teach, to anger, to arouse. I make pornography, because pornography matters.

And that’s why I think you should make pornography, too.

Thursday, September 3, 2020

Doing Without

As of this week, it will be six months since I’ve had sex. For me, that’s a very long time—probably the longest stretch I’ve gone without, since puberty.

A reader and friend of mine commented:

Sometime, I'd find it really interesting to read what you have to say about how not having sex for several months has affected you. I know I would be in some sort of catastrophic depression.

I can’t claim with one hundred percent certainty that I’m not depressed. I’ve been isolated in my home since March. The first couple of months were terrifying in my part of the U.S. The supermarkets were barren. Every trip out of the house felt like an installment in the initial chapters of a post-apocalyptic movie, right before everybody gets wiped out save for an unlikely (yet Hollywood-attractive) troupe of rag-tag survivors. During the initial few weeks, sex wasn’t really even on my mind.

With time the terrifying turned mundane. The supermarkets restocked. The weather turned warm and welcoming. I started not only wearing masks when I’d go outdoors, but wearing them in my sleeping dreams as well. That’s about the time the loneliness started to take its toll, and I’d find myself wishing I’d had the foresight to isolate with a perpetually horny bottom.

Sure, I’ve managed to distract myself during this terrible half-year. I’ve played video games. I’ve listened to music. A lot of music. (It’s a very good year for music.) I’ve streamed drag shows and supported friends whose lives as entertainers have been brutally interrupted. I’ve watched a lot of television and movies. I do all these things to distract myself, and at night I crawl into bed and try to pretend I’m content.

My dick, punching holes in the memory foam, tells me otherwise.

Every day I remind myself how fortunate I am. How lucky to have food in the freezer, a roof over my head. How auspicious it is that I haven’t been sick. How incredibly charmed my life must be that I’m to be able to hole up at home and be only inconvenienced in minor ways. I recognize that in a time of distress and disease and death and widespread fear, I am privileged. My libido has been a driving force in my life for decades, and having to pack it in mothballs has at times seemed cruel. It’s led to any number of self-pitying moments. But then I remind myself that in the larger context, a mere lack of ready holes to fuck is a minor inconvenience.

On Twitter and the various sex apps I’d see guys who were proceeding with a business-as-usual approach—they’d be advertising that they’d be ass-up and ready in a hotel room for all comers. Or they’d be hitting the cruisiest spots of a local park. Or they’d be hosting a small group at their home that night. Guys would hit me up on Scruff telling me to come on over, their place was free.

I’d resist. Some made it easy by flaunting their lack of concern for the virus; I knew I wasn’t going to take my chances with anyone who didn’t recognize or care about the risks. Others, those who had round and beautiful butts that made my cock strain in my shorts, were difficult to resist. Particularly if they assured me that they’d been isolated as well. But I resisted all the same.

I’ve somehow already lived through one pandemic more or less intact. But there’s a big difference between COVID-19 and HIV. An HIV infection isn’t going to spread casually throughout my household. An HIV infection isn’t going to leap from my body to dozens of others when I attend a social event, or sit in a bar, or sing in a choir. Someone taking risks with HIV in his sexual life is endangering himself only—not the well-being of everyone around him.

This was a conviction theoretical to me during the first few months of my isolation, but when my aging dad was diagnosed with cancer last month, the thought of potentially infecting him inadvertently, in his compromised state, distressed me greatly. Particularly because I’m soon going to have to live with him for a few weeks during his treatment. I can’t conceive of risking his life with my own personal need for contact. I’m just going to have to resist some more.

At first, friends commiserated with me. We all were in similar straits of needing touch, needing a mouth on our own, needing the physicality of another body next to ours—but at first we all were resisting. Then they began slipping. I’ve tried hard not to judge adversely their hookups—because even after six months of abstinence, who’s to say when I won’t have a moment of weakness and give in to temptation? Every big mistake I’ve made in my life, I’ve made with my dick. With that kind of track record, how likely am I to do what’s right? Perhaps I can extend my monkish solitude another six months, but it’s more likely I’ll succumb to some dude’s come-ons tomorrow, or next week.

But oh, god, how I have to resist the urge to judge. When a friend tells me about the strangers he’s sucking off in a park, even as my dick springs up, the rest of me recoils. When friends tell me about ‘calculated risks’ they’re taking that sound to me like business-as-usual picking up serial random dick on Grindr without any vetting, I have to shush the Mrs. Grundy that wants to lecture them, and instead listen with envy about the hookups. When buddies text me about the half-dozen guys they banged over a weekend, all I want to do it yell in all caps, HOW IS THAT SAFE? But I listen, and gnash my teeth, wishing it were me.

For a while, though, it won’t be.

How can I judge them? I’m no saint. Many are the times I’ve let circumstance carry me on unexpected adventures on the turn of a dime. All it would take to make me crumble would be a wayward smile or a certain stare as I passed someone. A text from a favorite. A come-hither photo. An opportunity. Any of those, and I’d lose any claim I might have to remaining virtuous during these trying times. So how can I blame anyone I know, much less those I like and understand, for doing exactly what I myself yearn to do?

Once in a while I think maybe this is it for me. Maybe I just won’t have sex again in what span of my days is left. Then frequently I wonder if once again in my lifetime, disease will redefine how, where, and when I have sex. Decades ago, fear of AIDS emptied the sexual field I’d known of its players. Tearooms that had been packed from noon until midnight suddenly were deserted. Campus cruising spots that had seethed with action in 1980, floor after floor of them, echoed emptily in 1982. Bathhouses shuttered. The scores of men who had spent their nights in unlit parks sliding among the shadows, congregating by picnic tables and near ponds to locate each other only by their glowing cigarette tips—vanished.

Maybe this second pandemic of my life, like the last, will fashion new ways I connect with men. Maybe, in the rear view mirror, this time of self-denial will seem nothing more than a hiccup. Until then, like everyone else, I stumble ahead, trying to survive. Trying to do the best I can.

Sunday, March 15, 2020

The Tenth Anniversary: Readers' Top Twelve Posts

As part of my tenth-anniversary commemoration I answered a number of questions readers asked about some of the more memorable personalities that have appeared on these pages in the last decade—Runt, Scruffy, Spencer, Earl, and the like—and in return I received a number of emails and messages saying how grateful they were to hear about my former lovers, and to know (mostly) that they were well. I was glad to make my readers happy.

But you know what messages have made me happiest? Hearing congratulations and thank-yous from readers who had disappeared off my own radar. I’ve made a lot of friendships through my blog. Some have lasted for many years; a few were temporary, but none the less enjoyable. Some were barely momentary, a quick exchange of emails with no follow-through whatsoever.

Over the last couple of weeks, though, I’ve received several emails from men who’ve checked in to let me know what they’ve been up to since the last time we talked, which sometimes has been as many as five or six years. Like Runt and Scruffy, most of these men are in much better places than they were when originally they reached out to me. That’s always heartening to hear.

This week I’ve compiled a list of my dozen most popular blog entries. I’ve had millions of visitors in the last decade; these entries have had the most unique view totals. Perhaps with the world shutting down around us, you might have some spare time to enjoy some erotic writing. Revisit a few of these essays from the past, won’t you?

12. July 26, 2016—Dick Dock 2016: Cocksucker

My Dick Dock entries have always been popular. Two of them made this list, in fact. I think this one, in which I’m made to inhale poppers as I slobber all over dick is my favorite of the two. Re-reading it makes me rock hard, in fact—I think it’s one of the two times in my life I’ve done poppers. I know, I’m such a puritan!

11. April 12, 2010—Incriminating Evidence

It’s interesting that this particular entry popped up; it’s about the records I used to meticulously keep when I was a kid, of all the men I had sex with. I’ve been trying to revisit the memory of this sexual accounting in order to write about it again, for a different sort of project I’ve been toying with.

10. April 15, 2011—Field Trip Friday: Jayson Park

Porn actor Jayson Park has been one of the best friends I’ve made through my blog. This entry asking readers to make a visit to his website (which doesn’t seem to be working these days) must get a lot of hits from guys trying to find him through search engines. He’s a stud. Always has been, always will be.

9. February 11, 2013—Open Forum Monday: The Big One

I’m amused that so many men have looked at, and read, my entry about a milestone birthday. I understand why I wrote it; I remember during much of my forties I always wondered why the clock seemed to stop for men once they hit the age of 49. I still know men who are in their sixties at this point but whose app profiles all say 49. But sexy, this entry isn’t.

I’ve had several of the Open Forum entries, which ask for and respond to reader feedback, not only make this list, but come very close to it. I suspect people liked reading what other commenters had to say.

8. July 11, 2013—The Rest Stop at Dusk

I really like this essay. It’s one of my favorites from my first few years. There was one point at which, for some milestone or another (my first million views, I think?) I was planning to attempt a podcast-style reading from my blog, and this essay about rest stop cruising along I-275 in Michigan was going to be the entry I read.

In the end, I was too lazy to figure out the recording process.

7. February 7, 2012—A Long, Sloppy Blowjob

Usually when I look at the titles of my more popular entries, I immediately can tell you what they’re about. Not this one, boy. I had to read it from start to finish, and only when I was approaching the end did I have a recollection of it. You kind of tend to remember when some crackhead bangs on the front door of the public library down the street, thinking it’s your house.

These department of bad encounters stories never end well.

6. August 19, 2013—Home Gloryhole

Oh man, I loved this guy. I used to visit his gloryhole every couple of months when I’d be on my way back to Grand Central. Amazing mouth, hot gloryhole set-up. I wonder if he’s still in business?

5. July 18, 2013—Dick Dock

I tend to get cocky when I’m cruising publicly. I know it. I admit it. My philosophy in a bathhouse, or backroom, or bookstore, is that I’ll wait for what I want, rather than settle for what other dudes won’t touch. And I tend to get what I want, as I did on this night in P-town.

I’m actually kind of fond of my Dick Dock entries. The place is legend, but I understand it’s touch for guys who’ve never been there before to know exactly what the protocol might be for cruising there. I’ve received a lot of feedback from new visitors to Provincetown who’ve told me that more than any other source, these essays gave them a taste of the atmosphere there, and the ways men connect in that dark space beneath the Boatslip.

4. April 29, 2011—Open Forum Friday: Cocksuckers

I admit: I’m puzzled how this one rose so high over many more thoughtful entries. Essentially I wrote an essay here about bad blow jobs, and how much I dislike it when a cocksucker decides to stop using his mouth and instead seize onto my cock with a vise grip and beat it so hard that I lose any will to have sex for a good long time. (Or I simply can’t, because of the chafing sores.)

The real gold here—as in any of my Open Forum entries—lies buried in the reader responses, which are plentiful and thoughtful, and sympathetic.

3. October 4, 2013—Nasty Little Faggot

I’m happy this particular memoir occupies this spot, because it’s as nasty as the title boasts. Reading it from a distance of seven years, I find I’ve forgotten exactly which cocksucker I’m describing in this essay…but in a certain sense, it doesn’t really matter, does it? He did his job well.

2. January 21, 2013—Stupid Faggot

I’m intrigued, but not surprised, that entries with the word faggot in the title have made two of the three most popular spots on this list. I’ve noticed for years that variations of faggot and cocksucker are in the top search terms that lead random viewers to my blog, month after month. Sometimes it’s just faggot cocksucker stories, sometimes it’s faggots who suck cock, sometimes it’s cocksucker faggots, but those search terms are always up there.

I was going to illustrate with a list of search phrases from this month, but when I went to look, the top search terms were free jockstrap giveaway (no, I’m not having one), hornyfather (just like that), bareback blog, and sissies in snap-on plastic panties, which seems oddly specific to me.

This particular entries is one of my all-time favorites. It’s more than a scene in which a Puerto Rican boy debases himself in front of me—though I was very fond of this particular kid for a couple of years until ultimately he overstepped his boundaries. It’s a meditation on the ways in which words that sound vile in one man’s mouth can be a balm from another’s; it’s a thoughtful defense of men who find joy and pleasure from epithets that have hurt them in the past.

But mostly I suspect the number of readers who’ve flocked to this particular entry do so to see a hungry boy doing what he does best.

1. May 24, 2011—Cruising 101: The Bathhouse

Here we are—the most popular post in the history of my blog. And by a long shot, too. ‘Cruising 101’ has had ten times more viewers than #12 on this list, and twice as many as #4. I remember writing it because in the first couple of years of writing about my sexual encounters, I’d encounter a lot of prejudice and ignorance whenever I’d write about visiting one of Detroit’s multiple (at the time—I think they only have one now) bathhouses.

“They’re a breeding ground for disease,” I heard. Well, sure, but not any more than your own bedroom. “Only desperate guys go to bathhouses…eeeewww,” they’d say. Um, okay. Sure. Enjoy sitting at home looking at blank profiles on Grindr and wondering why you’re not getting any.

Simultaneously, I’d get a lot of questions from men curious about the experience. What were bathhouses like? How did they work? What did they need to know if they decided to give one a try? This entry arose out of that.

Like the Dick Dock entries, I’ve had a lot of thanks and feedback over the years for this quick introduction to the tubs; I would like to point out, though, that there was a follow up entry, Cruising 101: Mr. Manners Visits the Bathhouse, that goes beyond the mechanics of how to get into and navigate around a bathhouse, and into how to treat the men one encounters there. Worth a read, I think.


And that’s the list! Taking a deep dive into the statistics of my blog for the last ten years has been interesting. I’d been vaguely aware that although I was writing blog posts more frequently during the first three years, save for the entries that made this list, on average the number of views those pages got were really quite low compared to those I’ve made in the last five years—I can look at the number of unique readers for any post in the last year and it’ll usually have ten times the number of views my much older posts ever had.

Yet the direct engagement I have these days is much less; I might get emails and comments from followers on Twitter about the posts, but I get many fewer comments in the blog itself. My own attitude about the blog has been more more casual, however. Hard to blame anyone else from feeling the same.

What have been your favorite entries from the past ten years? Share with everyone in the comments below!


Are you looking to help me celebrate the tenth anniversary of my blog? Send me a message or email and tell me about your favorite blog post or memory! Share your photos with me! If you're feeling especially generous, check out my Amazon wish list. Mostly, though, I'd just like to hear from you!

Saturday, October 22, 2016

A Sex Blogger's Credo

If you are ever the madcap, slightly insane kind of person ever to aspire to keeping a long-lasting sex blog, know that there’s an unannounced, unheralded side effect: an overriding sense of obligation.

I never get a sweet sense of glowing satisfaction from the project (though I should, given its volume and longevity). Always I have a nagging sense of something left unfinished. Maybe I feel I've got an entry in me that hasn’t been written, or an encounter that hasn’t been catalogued. There always seems to be a deadline approaching (self-imposed), a memory to be recorded, a challenge to record something done before in a new manner. There are only so many different insertion points in a sexual act, after all. Finding novel ways to discuss inserting tab A into slot B becomes a daunting task.

I get pressure from the outside, too. Readers ask for more entries about one particular person. They want to hear less of the mushy stuff. I get encouragement to show sides of myself that aren’t always what I consider my core, while I’m squelched from sharing other aspects. When I’m not writing, readers have a way of letting me know I sure as hell should be. Long-term readers demand my attention; I owe them, they feel, because they've stuck around so long. The new readers make themselves known as well. They write in with the same old questions, the ones I’ve answered a hundred times before, the ones that make me grind my molars when I see them asked again. I owe them the answers, they seem to imply. Just because they’ve taken the time to read.

When I’m not thinking about the writing, there’s always the pressure to have the raw experiences (pun intended) to generate material. In the sex blog business, that means fucking. I have to consider which fuck will be next. Who makes the cut for an individual entry. There are trysts to arrange, travel plans to make. Maybe I desire one of those evenings where all I really want is to lie there and be serviced while I ponder what happened the night before on How to Get Away with Murder—but I feel obligated to make the sex spicy, make it fun, make it worth reading about. I have to exercise my powers of observation, to remember the conversations, to take note of what the guy did that stands out. Not only does sex become a form of work, but I’m having simultaneously to be the moonlighting writer who’s making constant mental notes so he can scribble it down later.

Since the day I started writing my sex blog, it's provided me one interesting and unexpected opportunity after another. Over the last three years, though, I think I’m honest in saying I’ve experienced more disappointments than fringe benefits. I’ve been stalked in my everyday life by a reader. I’ve been harassed by multiple others. One man left me nearly for dead. Most hurtful of all, however, have been the readers who’ve opened up just enough to care about them, only to abandon me when I’m inconvenient or inessential. I wrote beautiful tributes to one because no one had ever seen him with such esteem; my essay about him made him glow. But he found find my admiration awkward in the entry that followed, then without warning demoted me from the lover he needed in his life to someone he used to know.

They come to me for validation. They leave without returning it.

Then there are the readers who make promises. They want to meet. They want to perform unspeakable acts for me that will make my toes curl. Any fantasy of which I can dream, they promise to fulfill. So I allow myself to be led on by pretty faces and prettier promises, and it’s months and sometimes years later when it registers that they never intended to do any of the things they pledged to do so well.

To many, the sex blogger about whom they’ve fantasized is essential and exciting in the heat of an eroticized moment. In the next, he’s an afterthought. An unsightly stain.

I'm resilient, but my feelings aren’t bulletproof. I grieve for the vanishments. They’ve left me emptied out and lonely. The never-ending obligation of keeping the blog afloat kept me marching stolidly onward for many a year, though. I thought I was fighting the good fight. I thought that if I did what I do best, my spirits and fortunes would turn. I thought if I stuck to my core beliefs, I’d recapture the love of writing the blog again, even though it had been beaten out of me time and time again.

Then at the beginning of this year, I relieved myself of obligation. Write only when you feel like it, I told myself. Forget about the sense of always having to provide, of always being the good sport or the reliable one. Forget about the fan mail, the comments, the fleeting pride in notoriety. Stop thinking you owe people anything, I told myself. It’s okay to ask yourself what they owe you, for giving so much of yourself, for putting it all out there publicly.

I felt petulant and stubborn at first, but gradually I began to relax into my neglect of duty. It’s taken months, but gradually I’ve come to realize that it’s okay to let go. It really is. Beautiful flowers wilt beneath the harsh sun all the time; lush fruits wither on the vine. For several years I accomplished what I set out to accomplish. For a handful of time I opened myself wide to opportunity and had the blessing of sharing so much of myself with an audience I loved. Few people ever really achieve that dream.

Am I letting go completely? I don’t know, to be honest. The urge to share has always been a part of my life. Tomorrow I might honor the impulse to write about a random blowjob. Perhaps it’ll be weeks before I make another entry. I can’t see into the future well enough to know when, or if, I’ll write again. I will say that for the last few months I have so very much enjoyed not feeling obligated—not by anything, or anyone.

I do want to take this opportunity, however, to make a few positive points and state the things I firmly believe—the very beliefs that prompted me to begin this sex blog, in fact. A sex blogger’s credo, if you will. I’ll begin with:

1. Your sex life is worthy of recognition. Your sex life is worthy of thought, examination, and celebration. The Puritan impulse is so strong in so many people, even today, that they shun the very notion that it should be aired or shown the light of day, much less be put under the microscope. It’s ‘just sex.’ To them, it’s as deserving of discussion as nose-picking. It’s something done in a dark corner with people’s eyes averted, then hastily cleaned up.

Nonsense, I say. Our sexual dreams and desires occupy so much of our head space, so often. It’s okay to experience desire. It’s human to yearn for more sex, for better sex, for intimacy. Hunting for sex in all its forms, then wanting more, is what we as people spend vast chunks of our life doing. What we rarely do is talk about it, or share those experiences.

But here’s the thing: if we don’t discuss them, if we don’t share, they’re lost forever—and we are lost forever. We are telling our successors on this planet that we were above such things, that they never played a part of our lives, our relationships, the choices we make on a daily basis. If we don’t communicate, we let ignorance prosper.

It takes a brave heart to talk about one’s sex life—especially to do so in public, with everyone watching. But doing so is not only bold, and truthful, but noble. It’s shining a light in those dark corners. It’s shouting, I am a sexual being, and I worthy of being heard. Do so, and a handful of people might recoil in disgust, but there will be multitudes who yearn to join your voice with their own. They will silently cheer you on.

2. Your sex life is a beautiful gift, and it is yours alone to cultivate. Sex is amazing. It can take form in the quiet intimacy between two lovers. It can become the red-hot, heart-pounding bliss of animal fucking. You can have as much of it as you like. It’s a hobby that optimally doesn’t cost more than the overhead of travel and a bare minimum of equipment. You can have it pretty much anywhere you want.

But here’s the thing: I see so many poor fuckers who just let all those beautiful opportunities slip by; they think that sex is something that happens to other people. Never to them. They want good sex. They masturbate constantly and have very specific fantasies they’d love to make reality. But they aren’t willing to take the steps to make anything happen. They won’t take the risks for the sex they spend so much time craving. They pace their self-imposed cages like trapped animals, longing for freedom—though they never recognize that the doors to those cages have always been open to them.

You have the power to make your sex life what you want. You have the power to shape your relationships—your marriages, your friendships, the relationships you have with lovers—however you want. A marriage doesn’t have to be loveless and sexless; it doesn’t have to be monogamous. But you have to take the steps to reshape it into something mutually satisfying for both of you. You have to make yourself heard.

I’ve never known anyone, even the most depraved of sensualists, who went to the grave bemoaning the fact that they enjoyed their life too much. But my email boxes are full of messages from people who never have sexual enjoyment in their lives.

Time slips like water through our fingers, friends. It’s up to you to make your life one that you’ll be happy to have lived.

3. You are a beautiful person. You. Yeah, you! You’ve got qualities that no one else does. All the stupid shit that you think prevents from having the best sex of your life? Fuck those. They only hold you back if you let them.

Listen up. I’m a man of many physical imperfections and extremely modest looks. I’m not a twink. I’m an old fart. No one is ever going to pick me out of crowd and take me home because I’m on Grindr with a photo of my oiled-up physique. But I have had sex, and I continue to get offers and have sex, with incredibly beautiful men whom I might say were ‘out of my league,’ if I truly believed in the concept. Why? Because despite my moles, my paleness, my lack of tone and the fact I’m never going to be on the cover of Details, I put myself out there and make my best qualities work for me. And work, they do. My confidence shows.

Do yourself a favor and once in a while forget the many imperfections about which you beat yourself up daily. You’ve got amazing qualities that are going to attract someone. You might have the best smile in the world. You might give the best blowjobs. You could be witty, or the best Call of Duty player, or have a great garden where you could fuck outdoors. Celebrate those things. Be secure in those things. They’re going to be what attracts someone into your bed, as much as a six-pack.

4. The only thing we really owe each other is kindness. And kindness should be reciprocal. Does this need explanation?

Let’s recap.

You are a beautiful person.

You’re worthy of the sex you want to have.

When you have it, honor and celebrate it. And treat each other well.

Of all the lessons I’d want anyone to learn from anything I’ve written here, those are the most valuable.