Monday, February 11, 2013

Open Forum Monday: The Big One

I had one of those birthdays last week. It wasn’t a milestone birthday in the traditional sense—that is, the year didn’t end with a zero. But it was one of those birthdays that’s ominous to gay men in general, because it’s a number at which time suddenly stands still and past which, mysteriously no gay man ever ages.

No, not 25. I can see your confusion, though. That’s the age that gay men ape in their dress habits, especially the fifty-somethings who stuff themselves into a Hollister T-shirt under the hope that the brand name will do a David Copperfield on their age and shave off twenty-five years before everyone’s marveling eyes. So no, not 25. The other number.

No, not 29. Yes, I know that’s the age that all women over 30 claim to be. That’s more of a female thing, though. Men over thirty claim they’re 32, all the way up until they’re my age. It doesn’t matter if they’re 39, or 42, or 46. If you look at their profile, or ask them in a bar late at night when the lights are low, they’re going to tell you they’re 32. But not either of those numbers.

And no, it’s not 43. Where’d that come from?

Look, I’ll just tell you. I turned 49. For-ty-niiiiine. It’s the last number to which gay men will admit. Men born in the year I was born—1964—are 49. Men born in the nineteen-fifties are 49. Guys who popped out of a Great Gatsby-era flapper wearing a shingled skirt and shouting twenty-three skiddoo! claim to be 49. Gay men hit 49 and then remain there until their deaths, thirty-five years later. It doesn’t matter that they’re hunched over and clutching a cane and looking like Young Mr. Grace on Are You Being Served?, who doddered around barely able to say his one line of the entire show. He’s 49, dammit, and 49 he’ll stay.


I had an argument with my own brother about the age of 49 a couple of years ago. My brother has been 49 for almost a dozen years now, both in his online profiles and with new guys he meets. It made me more and more anxious about approaching the age myself—not because I feared the number itself. I don’t give a rip. It’s because I had this vision of my age matching his, then surpassing him. Then I’d be the older brother. And that’s a crime against nature. I’m too foxy to be the older brother.

So I nagged. And I pleaded. Finally he changed his age to 99, which in online profile land is basically a big fuck you to anyone who wants to get a general idea of how old someone is.

But it’s still older than 49.

I’d like to proclaim up front that my age will continue to change from year to year. Next February I will be 50. In 2015, I will be 51. Just you wait and see. Check in with in a decade and I’ll be 59. Still foxy, and 59.

I don’t like to let a number dictate how I feel about myself, see. I spent way too much of my early life doing that. It started the week I lost my virginity at 12, in my earliest encounter getting cruised in a men’s room toilet. The guy next to me, after peering through a gloryhole and looking at my smooth and hairless body, passed me a note written on toilet paper and wrapped around a Bic pen that read, How old are you???

Right away, I lied. 14, I wrote back. Because in my naive mind, there was a vast world of experiential difference between a callow youth of 12 and a seasoned sexual professional of 14, and I didn’t want to seem like a young newbie.

God, was I dumb. Not that the guy cared. He had his dick in me less than thirty seconds later.

I was always lying about my age to men in my teens. I added on three, four, five years to make men comfortable about fucking me. In college, because I’d skipped a year of high school and entered early, I added on a couple of years so that my classmates didn’t think I was contemptibly young. I had a baby face in grad school, where I the only 20-year-old surrounded by students in their late twenties, thirties, and forties—so I told everyone I was 25. I added on years until I reached 30, when I decided I’d had enough about apologizing for something as silly as how old I was.

And yes, at 49 I’ve had my share of rejection based on my age. Or more accurately, I’ve run across the guys to whom I’m invisible because I’m not 25 (or wearing that Hollister T to pretend I am). I’ve seen plenty of profiles of guys who absolutely positively will never ever meet anyone over 45 ever! You know what? Screw that. It’s easy to see the scores of those profiles and feel slighted. I don’t intend to waste my time bemoaning them. It seems to me the men who are missing out are those who sit on the sidelines and simply don’t try, because they’re too sensitive to rejection.

In the end, I’d rather be rejected arbitrarily so that I know someone’s a close-minded asshole, than magically accepted because I gave out a fictional number as my age. And that’s, as Edith Ann used to say (see, I’m dating myself), the truth.

So in this Monday’s open forum, I’m curious. Who out there has lied about his or her age in order to land a guy? For what reasons? Are you fibbing about your age now? Are you going older or, more likely, younger? How young do you dare to go—that is, how many years is it safe to shave off in the service of preserving one’s youth? And is there life after 49? I’d love to hear from you guys.


  1. Yep...there's life after 49. There's even life after 59.LOL.
    The magic age will change again as you approach the post, you can change the numbers and still be right.

    My rule is that if I want to know the true age of the profilee (like it matters), I add 3-5 years to what he says. I am usually close, but not always.

    I played with a guy who claimed to be 27. I am pretty naive, or maybe just uncaring. This guy (B) is a hot number...great chest, nice legs, nice feet, a long cut, but not thick dick, and handsome.
    After we both got off, I offered the shower as usual, and then I noticed that his temples were showing grey. So, I said, "Not that it matters cause you are a really hot guy regardless, but I don't quite believe you are 27."
    The next time we played, he had cut his hair so the grey was almost not visible, and it was because of my comments. He only listened to the grey part, and not the "hot as fuck regardless of your age" part.

    My point is the same as yours...age rarely is an issue.

    I just figure that if I put my true age, everyone else is gonna add 5 years to it, so I will oblige and take 5 years off in the first place so they will be right.

    After we meet, I always fess up if the subject comes up. If nothing else, it may prove to them that a guy my age can be just as hot as younger...or they won't be back anyway, so it doesn't matter.

  2. I've always been attracted to guys in my general age range but there have been exceptions. Since I was more of a late bloomer, my first sex was at 19, I never had sex with a teenager until this one guy wouldn't take no for an answer - I was 36 he 19. I went after a man who 66 (i think), just so I could get into DC's Sigma House (an entire house just for BDSM play).

    I still prefer men +/- 10 years of my age (48) but now I'll do any legal age below. It will be a big exception to do any man over 65 mostly because it's too close to my parent's age - yeah, it sorta developed in the last few years and is totally mental. - S

  3. Replies
    1. i read somewhere that you gave mr. steed a very hot present ;-)

  4. I am a proud 49 - but also a February/Aquarius Birthday - I turn 50 on Thursday (yes, Valentines day, and it's NOT COOL to have your birthday ON that day) - But I will be 50 - I am proud to be 50, I am looking forward to my AARP card and my discounts - LOL.

  5. Me I have lied when younger to get older, like yes sure im 18 fuck me - but being only 34 now, im happy with my age and age is a sign of life. So right now I doubt ill change that perspective, but I have also learned never say never, things can and have always changed! @DualLifeDad

  6. Never lied about my age (I'm 57), but it amazes me how many people will make a big deal of it. In their minds 39 is years younger then 40. What idiots!

    Look at the bright side, the older you get and if sex eludes you, you'll be a virgin again one day from lack of use and can be '14' all over again :-)

  7. The closest I've gotten to lying about my age is with sites that don't automatically age you (where you have to write in your age rather than your birthday).

    If a guy doesn't want to hook up with me or talk with me because of my age, then that's his choice and good enough reason for me to focus my attentions elsewhere.

  8. First off, Happy Birthday! Secondly, welcome to what I like to call early middle-age. I'm 51 and I've gone through quite a bit of sturm und drang the past year or so regarding my age - not the actual number per se but more the concern about when exactly I became a "daddy". It's been a slow creep I think. I've been quite sexual (ok, a slut) since I was in my early 20's and have hooked up with literally hundreds of guys if you count bars, baths, phone lines, internet, etc. However, it seems like only in the past year or two have I started getting the "Hi Daddy" greeting on Scruff, BBRT, etc. It took some getting used to. Hell, it bummed me out for quite a while. Yes, I started to notice the turkey neck that was appearing in the mirror, began sounding more like my father when I tried to read the tiny directions on a pill bottle, but there was still that secret part of me that thought I was 32. I liked the idea of 32. Old enough to have been around the block in a few different cars, young enough to still be able to stay out and play all night. It took me some time to come to terms with "Hi Daddy". I started to realize that I was now a part of a new demographic in the gay world and that made me a little uncomfortable since I didn't feel "old" and that's what I thought Daddy's were. What I got to learn however, is that there is a lot of power that goes along with "daddyhood". First, there are a lot of hot men into daddy's. Second, it's a lot easier to get a boy to do what you want when you're a daddy. I started to say things like "Go take a picture of yourself naked with my name written on your cock, boy!" and sure enough, they would. Aging in the gay world is an odd thing. When I was newly out, I spent time with older gay men who taught me how to be gay; how to cruis, what Stonewall was, the benefits of the PInes over Cherry Grove. They guided me and, if I recall, gave me some amazingly hot sexual experiences along the way. I felt lucky to know them and happy to fuck them. Getting older is inevitable. The closest I've come to dishonesty is saying that I'm Forty-Eleven - and usually that's just for a laugh. My age on all my profiles is correct. I'm honest when potential tricks ask. I don't make a big deal out of it either way. If a guy doesn't wanna play because of my age it's his issue, not mine. Ageist profiles are no different than profiles that say "No Asians, No Blacks I'm not racist just my preference" If you're shallow enough to rule me out because I've crossed some imaginary age line in the sand, you're probably too vapid for me to play with anyhow. Sex without some sort of mental connection bores me. I'd much rather fuck someone older with some experience and some history than a mindless little twink who thinks anyone over 30 is a dinosaur. Unless of course he calls me Daddy and does whatever I tell him. That's different.

  9. I've never lied about my age, at least not intentionally. I quite often forget how old I am, it doesn't really come up, so when anyone asks I usually have to think about it for a minute... Age isn't something I've ever worried about, mind you, I'm only 25.

    I'm NEVER right (or even very close) when I try and guess people's ages. So I don't waste time caring. If you're hot, you're hot. Why does the number matter?

  10. Christopher (Breedable)February 11, 2013 at 3:00 PM

    Happy Birthday.

    I am the splitting image of my father. And in pictures of him when he was my age we could almost pass for twins (definitely brothers). He is in his mid-fifties and I think (many do) he is still a very handsome man. So maybe that is why I am not afraid of my age or of getting older. Also, while I am certainly no gym rat or health nut, I have taken respectable care of myself. When I have lied about my age (back when I cared about coworkers potentially finding how much of a dick-lover I am) I would add years to my actual age, figuring few people would expect a person to go forward in time.

  11. I completely freaked out with your post... well not completely, but a little bit. I was born in 1964, but I'm not 49, I'm still 48 thank you very much! I have mentally been preparing myself for 50 for a few years now but...realising I'm 49 this year, somehow it sounds worse than 50. I can't explain why.



  12. P.S. Happy Birthday!


  13. I worried about putting 50 on a profile as that birthday crept closer. To fight some of that in myself, the year I turned 50 was the year I shaved my head and went overnight from aging ingenue to hot daddy. I have never been so popular on the the hook up sites. I have never felt better about myself. And, yeah, the age is right on all my profiles...

  14. I am 70 and have never lied about my age and I have had more sex in the last 20 years than I had in the two decades after I reached my 21st. The best is yet to come for you

  15. Happy Birthday! May you enjoy it fully! As to my age - I'm 59 now, and getting more comfortable with it all the time. When I was in my 40's, I used to just make up numbers at random - 17, 28, 33, 22, 38 - often to the same people in response to a single question - so they knew (obviously) that I was lying, but I somehow had the idea that so long as they didn't know "the truth" they'd find the deception charming and clever and they'd quit caring about the real answer (42 - 45 - whatever it was at the time). Then I gradually quit caring. I'd pause a while - then answer truthfully. The pauses have gotten shorter and shorter - and now, usually I pause just so I can do the math and remember the correct answer myself. It's become, for me, increasingly a non-issue. I am what I am (as "La Cage" would say). I'm gay. I'm 59. I'm horny. Whatever......

  16. Happy birthday
    37 here and not scared about 40..
    Didnt know u had a brother does he know about you hooking up with guys too..would u ever have a threesome...brothers fucking me a fantasy for sure

  17. Happy belated birthday!
    Age and people's perception are a strange combo. I'm 51 and due to a happy genetic accident have always looked younger than my years. I've never lied about my age in 'Real Life' because I kind of get a kick when I get the inevitable "Wow, you don't look...". BUT, in the virtual world, I find if I give my real age I am often accused of using a fake picture (or an old one) and am branded a liar. When I used a younger age, I FELT like a liar! I guess you can't win all the time either way. Once I hit 50, I figured why worry and now make sure my age is accurate. If someone doesn't like it, it's their problem.
    I can kick... And stretch... AND KICK! I'm 50 (one)!
    Kip T.

  18. Happy birthday, bud; welcome to the club! I'm fast approaching 53, but look and feel better than I did at 40. In my teens and early 20s, people thought I was older. Now, people think I'm younger. I think I hit "age/appearance" equillibrium in my mid 30s! I thank good genetics, taking care of myself, good skin, and a full head of hair with very little gray. I'll take my cue from Betty White and others who embrace their age because they're having so much fucking fun!

  19. Speak for yourself Mike! It's totally cool to have your birthday on Valentine's Day--I have for the last 51 years. I will forever be known as the Valentine's Baby. You will be too. And Rob (and Mike) from one Aquarian to two: Happy Birthday!

  20. I think we’ve become conditioned to where no one is telling the absolute truth about age on line, the sad part is the guys that are actually 49 are cursed for telling the truth since 49 on line can be anything from 51 to 57.
    As for Hollister or A & F anyone over 28 should never be seen donning those labels it’s a tween, teen brand and it just makes “older” guys 30’s. 40’s, heaven help us 50’s seem more desperate to hang on to their youth which those of us over 40 know doesn’t last forever so stuffing ones pecs into a one size to small tee doesn’t miraculously erase 10 years off your life, there is botox, beard and hair dye for that.

  21. Heh, heh!

    I'm so proud of how good I look that I've been telling younger guys I'm fifty for over a year now, even though I won't get there til summer.

    Last month at Steamworks in Toronto (for which I owe you a huge thanks, Rob) I made four deposits over the course of the evening, all but one of them at least 10, and in one case, close to 30 years younger than me.

    I used to be scared to death of passing 49, now I'm just taking every ass that falls in front of me. The ones that turn me down for my age just don't get fucked by me.

    Welcome to 49 Rob, glad to have you join me and I hope you have at least 49 more excellent years in the saddle.

  22. As Philip Seymour Hoffman said to Robert De Niro in 'Flawless'... "it's not the ones that won't that matter, it's the ones that will." I remind myself of that whenever I get rejected, for whatever reason. If you've spent anytime at my blog, you know I despise ageism - especially in the gay community, where we should know better and need to look out for each other. I don't think wearing a t-shirt is going to convince anyone you're young... least of all yourself. It's not the clothes, it's the attitude. I am constantly changing up my game, redefining myself, challenging myself. Do the same... and you will see that age really is just a number. - Uptonking from Wonderland Burlesque

  23. Happy Belated Birthday Rob!
    I'm sure you enjoyed yourself ;)

    I will be 54 in Sept.
    Don't think I look or act it.
    It's often guys my age or older who are ageist.
    Living in a bigger city made me realize a lot of younger guys like a hot older guy...
    When posting or answering personals, I just say over 50 and let the pics speak for themselves...which I have sent you in the past ; )

  24. I've been meeting a lot of guys online lately, mostly for dates, but also an occasional hook up. Scruff is actually a very productive app. My profile says I'm 43, because I'm 43. And I don't know why, but except for the 40 year old, they've all been between 23 and 30, assuming they're all honest too.

    I'm not seeking that demographic out; they're seeking me out. I'm not complaining because they're cute at that age. They don't have to do silly things to pretend they're young; they do silly things because they are young. They're not wrapped up in their careers, condos, cars, and 401Ks either; they're spontaneous.

    All told though, they really are too young, other than for going on more than a couple dates or a roll in bed, because they're a little too spontaneous, and don't get started for the night until about 10:00 when I really would like to be winding down for the night.

    In any case, I've frequently seen "no older than 35", so I stopped the clock at 38 for several years. Now I don't care, and apparently the ones that matter don't care either.


  25. You doin' OK? I hope all is well.
    Michael in DC

  26. Sometimes the age lie isn't related to vanity so much as anonymity.

    I'm closeted. I subtract 4-5 years from my age to make it more difficult to match me.

    Now, why don't I add 4-5 years?


    1. You should try it sometime. You might get fewer takers the first time, but the ones you get will be a bit more likely to repeat.

  27. You are one damn hot 49 y.o. Awesome post hot stud!

  28. Fuck that shit.. I'm 30 and would fuck you in a heart beat. It's not the age it's all about the cock you have and how you use it.. and by the post I've read.. you're well worth it. Cheers you old fucker. :)

  29. I'm 47, and I've never lied about my age, though to be honest I'm usually trying to get women and they don't mind older men. I will lie about my weight, or at least fudge the numbers a little if I'm feeling too fat.

  30. I'm 78 and not out. For the last 20 years I have knocked 10 years of my age - I look more like a slim mid 60's. I find there are many guys who don't want to know over 50's, won't meet and see how they get on.
    Those who do agree to meet me praise me for the best head they can remember and, with rare exception, and without any prompting, tell me I am a bloody good fuck. Most come back again when we can arrange it.
    I try not to meet up with guys under 30 as I don't want one of my grandsons friends to turn up with his dick in his hand.
    Any guy who imposes an arbitrary age limit to who he meets needs to think again as it never hurts to meet and, if you like what you see, then try it.