Monday, April 15, 2013

Department of Deflated Erections

So I’m sitting there on cam late one night, last week. My dick’s hard, and I’m double-fisting it for the benefit of guys who are watching. My legs are spread wide. Anyone watching can see me clearly from the nose down to the dark shadow between my butt cheeks.

I’m not the only guy in this chat room showing off on cam. Not by a long shot. There are four, maybe five of us, and a good thirty or forty men watching. I’m getting a lion’s share of the compliments in the public chat room, though. Men are asking giving me the kind of compliments that my voracious ego eats up—telling me they love the look of my dick, telling me my body type strikes their fancy, that my beard and smile are sexy. And of course, my pleasure at the compliments just makes me smile more broadly. Everybody’s happy and horny and sailing briskly on a sexual buzz.

And oh, the private messages. A lot of them were coming my way, that night. Most of them were of the Hot cock!! variety, to which I’d reply thank you!! Conversations as fleeting and short-lived as soap bubbles, for the most part. A few men have turned on their own cams in the private message window for me, so that I can watch and listen to them pleasuring themselves as they stare at me. I’ve got whispered compliments from these men coming from my laptop’s speakers. They overlap each other and form a sexy sound as I edge myself closer and closer to orgasm.

Then I got a private message request from a guy I didn’t know. I checked out his profile. He was a handsome older gentleman, fit and firm, well-groomed, from an expensive suburb of Chicago. I accepted the request and was rewarded with a message that read, You have the most beautiful dick on here.

Well. My ego lapped that one up. Thanks, I typed back, and then moved the head of it closer to my cam for him. I’m glad you like it.

Like it! I love it! said the guy. I remember when my penis used to look like that.

I wasn’t quite sure what he meant by that, but I assumed he was saying something about how he used to get so hard in his younger days. Maybe he had erectile dysfunction, now. I didn’t say anything for a while. Then he typed another message. Then I got penile cancer, he said.

Oh, I’m sorry. The sympathy in my message was intended to be genuine, but there’s really only so much I can type when my brain is on sexual overdrive and my fingers are covered with my precum.
I was diagnosed when I was fifty-four, he wrote, and I went through four years of radiation and chemo, but there wasn’t much they could do. So now I’m left with a two-inch stump.

Gentlemen and ladies, I’m here to attest to the fact that nothing will kill a boner more quickly than someone telling you about his two-inch amputated stump. Absolutely, positively nothing. I’m one of those people who, when someone regales me in person with a jolly story about how they broke a finger in a slammed car door, will have to cover his ears and shout “LA LA LA LA LA!” at top volume to avoid fainting outright. Want to tell me about some YouTube video you saw in which a football player splintered his tibia ? You will watch me turn gray and slither into a puddle of moaning near-consciousness beneath my chair. I am a wimp when it comes to hearing about other people’s accidents and medical procedures and vaccinations.

So when this gentleman started going into what I thought was unbecoming detail about his amputation, my dick withered in my hand. All I could do was shudder, minimize his window, and put my softening toys away for the night. Sexy time postponed, at least for that night.

But then it happened again two days later. Same site, same kind of situation. I was stroking off on video and holding an outrageous flirtation with another camming top on the site in the public chat room when I got a private message from a sexy bottom guy who started out with some outrageous flattery along the lines of, OMG, I would pay to fly you out here to fuck me if I thought you’d do it.

I’d consider it, I told him.

That dick is so hot, I’ve got to have it, he told me. I’m serious about flying you out here.

And I was serious when I told him I’d consider it, I told him back.

All we’d have to do is wait until my swelling goes down, he said. I was just in for prostate surgery two weeks ago.

Wincing and already regretting the words as I typed them, I told him I was sorry to hear that.

Oh that’s okay, he said. I’m just lucky to be alive still! Then he proceeded in exquisite detail that wouldn’t have been amiss on an episode of one of the CSI procedurals to outline how he’d been diagnosed as having early onset prostate surgery. I started to go woozy when he began outlining for me the cocktail his anesthetist used to knock him out; by the time he was discussing exactly how much the surgeons carved away, I was so unaroused that my dick had actually retracted eight inches into my pelvis.

Then it happened a third time that same week, when I turned on my cam on another site and some guy immediately said, Wow, that’s a hot hard-on. I hope you know to use it or you’ll lose it, because after I came down with high blood pressure, I was never able to get an erection ever again. And now that I have testicular cancer. . . .

Well. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a fucking conspiracy. I was seriously beginning to wonder if I had a secret archenemy who was enlisting minions to deflate my dick and my puffed-up ego with salvos of medical chat that would attack me directly at boner ground zero. Because it surely was working.

My modest suggestion to viewers of cam shows is to keep the chat light. You know. Focus on sexy talk. Instead of talking about scalpels cutting into soft, diseased flesh, keep your focus on dicks shoving into tight holes. Instead of talking about how miserable are your bandages, talk about how hot you look in bondage. Don’t chat about hospital gowns. Talk about your fucking jockstraps.

As for the use of the word stump? I’m place a moratorium on it. Nobody wants to see me pass out on cam.


  1. Jeez, you'd think it'd be common sense, right? Don't actively try to kill the boner!

  2. Kind of an odd place for someone to start talking about medical problems. Maybe they thought you were someone nice to talk to about their ordeals, but still not the right time or place.

    Kind of sad in a way that these guys felt that a cam site like that was the only outlet they have to talk about their ordeals.

  3. A naked cam chat site is the last place I'd go looking for memento mori. Thanks for the fine lulz!

  4. LOL Hilarious. I remember once doing something similar. Like you, I was married to a woman for 9 years. We were getting a divorce when she suddenly died. A few days later, overwhelmed, I was seeking some distraction at a local gay bar when a truly hot 30ish man starting chatting with me. "How are you, Handsome?" he asked as he leaned in close to me, letting me know he wanted more. "Well, I'm ok, but my wife died a few days ago and I have three kids, two very small...." I spilled my guts and he politely let me get it all out. Then I laughed nervously and said, "What a turn off, huh?" He looked me in the eye, put his hand behind my head, pulled me into his face and gave me the deepest, most sensual kiss I had had in years". When it ended and I opened my eyes, he said "When you feel better I am going to fuck you". Then he left.

    It still to this day stands out as the single most sincere expression of condolence I got during that ordeal. I never did see him again.

    1. I think there's a world of difference here, though, Tiger. You were recently raw with loss and emotion, and this guy was talking about his stump in a detached and clinical kind of way (it hadn't just happened for him). Plus, unlike a stroke room, a bar is a place where people actually kind of talk to each other on occasion without the expectation that everyone's there to look at each other's hard dicks. Though I guess that depends on the bar.

      I think you were fortunate to run into someone who was a good listener and responded appropriately. He was a sweet guy, too.

  5. Too funny but sad.

    Love Tiger's tale.

    I hate to say it but rather then a conspiracy, maybe it's a sign? Maybe what you need is a good testicular exam combined with deep and penetrating prostrate probing.

  6. Oh. My. God. One of the funniest (unintentional and sad, I know) reads of the day.

  7. I always love your stories. Did I mention the problem I'm having with this persistent hemorrhoid?

  8. I am laughing so hard right now.

    I was on a nude late night boat ride in key west and one guy was trying to get me to bend over so he could fuck me. He whispered in my ear, "I want to put my penis is your rectum." I shoved him away. Please don't use clinical terms during sex. (as a side note my best friend asked, "what happened? did he say I love you?")

    On the same boat ride I went to cup a cute otter's package and he leans in to tell me if things feel funny, it is because he only has one testicle.

    And another time, when I showed up for a hookup, the guy steers the conversation to his sister who passed away from cancer a few years ago.

    O.o seriously, people!

    1. 'Rectum' is one of those words I wish people would avoid in sexy-talk. I don't know anyone who can pull it off.

  9. Damn I wish I knew what site you were on...I love showing off on cam and been shown...but actually maybe it's better not to know...the site sounds like it could be a real buzz killer!



  10. I. Even. Can't.

    Just ... can't!

    Also, even my genitals start shrinking in on themselves reading 'STUMP' ...

    1. Your poor genitals. Let me stroke them until they're calm.