Sunday, July 7, 2013

Sunday Morning Questions: Looking Edition

I’ve written before about the old battle-ax of a grandmother I had on my father’s side. She was a woman on whose face I literally never saw a smile; one of my earliest childhood memories is of answering the front door to my childhood home shortly after we moved in and seeing her on the other side. I fled, screaming for my parents.

It’s not that she was hideous, or disfigured, or scarred. She wasn’t. She managed, however, always to wear an expression of extreme disapproval on her face. She constantly looked as if someone had farted, only she was too polite to say whom. Usually the disapproving look—lips pinched and pursed, eyebrows raised, eyes narrowed—preceded one of her amazingly deft put-downs. If I was sat down to play a piano sonata for her, I could perform perfectly and receive a sigh and a remark that she supposed more lessons would iron out the rough spots. When she visited once when I brought home a report card of straight A’s (or O’s for Outstanding, which I recall was the system my schools used until I hit ninth grade), she sniffed, made the face, and commented to my parents that I probably wouldn’t have done as well if I’d gone to a real, non-public school.

There was no pleasing the old biddy. So basically I stopped trying, and considered myself free of her. And even though she’s been dead and gone for years and years, now, there’s been a specific time lately when I find myself pursing and pinching my lips, narrowing the eyes, raising my brows, and preparing to launch a censorious cannonade in some unfortunate’s direction.

Specifically, it’s when I read the one-word sentence, Looking?

Oh, you know it’s the bane of the online cruising world, too. I’ll log onto Manhunt or Adam4Adam and within a couple of minutes my box starts to get cluttered up with the damned things. Most of the time the guys who send me the note don’t even bother to write it in the body of their message. It’ll just be a subject line of Looking? or U looking? or the ever-popular Lookin NOW???

It knocks the romance right out of cruising, I tell you.

I don’t really mind that the guy is getting right to the point. I don’t object to a blunt sexual come-on. I’m all for those. I’m just an old-fashioned guy who would like a pretense of the slightest whisper of a shade of a fraction of courtship in a guy’s bid to get my dick in his hole. I’m infinitely more likely to drop what I’m doing and hop in the car for a guy who instead of writing some variation on LOOKING? takes a few extra seconds to say, Hey, I was looking at your photos and I find you very attractive—would you happen to be free this evening for some naked fun?

That’ll get my attention and my response. Looking? makes me screw up my face like my librarian grandma.

As for the guys who use it . . . well, I’ve pretty much given up on even responding to them. The ones who do it repeatedly, I’ll block, simply so I don’t have to see the messages. I don’t care about grammar, about syntax or spelling. I don’t care if a guy has an educational level of eighth grade. If all I merit is a one-word salvo from a guy, I’m likely to suspect he’ll be just as lazy in the sack.

On that, I’ll give a pass.

Let’s get to some questions on If you would like to ask me questions there, please do—but if you don’t have an account, email them to me directly at the address in the sidebar, with the subject line of Sunday Morning Questions. I’ll quote them anonymous and respond over the coming weeks.

Hello Rob, I too have been a long time follower of your blog and recently found out you like to play / played with your brother, do you have any stories on your blog about that?

I've written several times about my relationship with my brother, under the 'mikey' tag.

Have you ever spent a night at a steam bath letting strange men fuck you in the dark corners? If yes, any chance you'll be at Steamworks Toronto soon?

I have indeed. And I have also spent the night at a bathhouse fucking men in dark corners, dark books, dark steam rooms, and in fully-lit enclosures.

I'm not going to be in Toronto soon, but I know Steamworks Toronto quite well. It's a great facility.

Does a little pain or fear stimulate you sexually?

Pain, when skillfully and artfully applied, can be a wonderful stimulant. There are certain erogenous zones for me that I find can result in great pleasure when put to a little excess of stimulation.

The buttocks, for example, can feel great when they've been caned or beaten to a red heat. The stinging and prickling only enhances the sex for me and for many of my partners. I love my nipples chewed to the point of pain, as well; nothing can get my harder. A bite (of the non-breaking variety) to the skin can be really erotic.

But if you're going to do something weird, like pull out a nose hair or a pube during sex, or poke me with a pin, or stomp on my insole while we fuck, chances are I'll complain and probably deck you. Not necessarily in that order.

Fear doesn't stimulate me so much. Worry just makes my dick deflate.

What kind of uniform gets you hottest?

The Good Humor Man. That white suit and pointy cap goes right to my groin!

I kid. Though I do like a good Chocolate Eclair bar.

My favorite uniform is actually neither military nor sports-related. I used to have a fuckbuddy relationship with a UPS delivery man who would make random 'deliveries' to my house when he was in the neighborhood. I used to love it when he'd drop those brown shorts and let me fuck him on the sofa. Seeing UPS men in their trucks in those turd-brown uniforms always gives me fond memories.

Have you ever had penetrative sex inside a vehicle? Was it moving?

I've had lots of sex inside of vehicles.

Not while they're moving, however. I did get road head once and I was too nervous to let it continue for very long.

I wasn't worried about getting caught, or observed by a truck driver, or anything. It was simply that I kept hearing my dad's voice in my head saying, "In an emergency situation, the distractive presence of that young man's head in your lap is going severely to hinder your response time." And yes, he talks just like that.


  1. Oh,Rob... Why did your Cruella grandmother have to be a librarian? As a librarian, now retired, I've had a lifetime of wonderful librarians, with
    great senses of humor, deftly finding info. or making great suggestions for reading, research, etc. Before the "information age" the librarian was the one with the info. and always ready to share it. Your granny was the exception not the rule. mwg

    1. Children's librarian, no less. And she fucking hated children.

      I run in librarian circles a lot of the time. She was very much a throwback to the oldest and hoariest of stereotypes, because my librarian friends are very much in the now of things.

  2. Excellent Rob-- no splitting of infinitives in the second sentence of the last paragraph. Go Tribe! And, pardon my French, but your grandmother does sound like she was a major pain in the ass. I hope your other grandparents were nicer.

  3. I grew up surrounded by UPS uniforms -- my dad drove for UPS for 40 years! I don't recall being turned on by them as a kid but in 46 years of working in Manhattan, I've seen my share of hot "brown buddies" as UPS drivers were known in my youth! I'm especially fond of the summer uniforms with high black shoes and short pants. Yum!

    Paul, NYC

  4. """""Usually the disapproving look—lips pinched and pursed, eyebrows raised, eyes narrowed"""""

    Sounds like some look Carol Burnett would have in a comedy skit or the Wicked Witch of the West had, hard to believe someone would really be like that and towards their own family. I think I would have run and screamed myself, to bad you didn't have loving grandma every kid should have.