Thursday, September 23, 2010

Not Gonna Reach My Telephone

The guy had it all—on my computer screen, anyway. His Manhunt profile pics showed him to be a scruffy guy of about thirty. His arms curved and bulged in all the right places. His chest was muscular, defined, and shaved smooth. His stomach was flat, his waist narrow. All of his photos showed a side view off his round little butt, a perky mound of flesh as cute as a bunny’s. They’d all been taken from the same angle—left side presented to the camera lens, head tilted up, eyebrows raised and arched as he pulled the exact same smile time after time—as if someone had once told him he looked really hot from that particular stance and he’d decided never to vary from it.

He was hot, in short, and our online correspondence had been pretty much to the point. You're hot. I want you to fuck the bejesus out of me, he’d said. You free?

Free and ready, I wrote back.

I really need to be fucked. I can come over now if you’re hosting.

I was hosting, so I suggested he call so I could give him directions. My phone rang; I picked it up, and was pleasantly surprised to hear a deep, sexy voice at the other end. “I’m only like ten minutes from you, man,” he growled, sounding in my right ear like testosterone and pure sex. “Give me your address, fucker.”

I told him the cross-streets I was closest to, then launched into my MapQuest routine. “It’ll be easiest if you take the freeway until you reach my exit,” I started.

I continued in that vein for a moment. “Uh-huh,” he said, breathing heavily into the receiver. “Uh-huh.” Then, as I was telling him my street address, he let out this nasal, driven grunt. “Unhhhh!”

The noise was strange enough to arrest me in mid-sentence. “What was that?”

“You know what?” he said. I had to blink a few times at my end of the conversation. The guy’s voice had completely changed. Before it had been heavy, deep, sex-laden. Now it was light and casual, the voice of a guy making light chit-chat at a bar before he excused himself for a smoke. “Something just kind of came up, and I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it. So. . . .”

“Did you just come?” I asked, unable to believe what I was hearing. The fucker had just shot his wad while I’d been giving him my god-damned street number.

“Um.”

“You just came,” I said. “You blew your load while I was telling you my address.”

He at least had the decency to sound sheepish about it, slightly. “I didn’t mean to, dude.”

“You had your hand on it or something, dude,” I repeated, emphasizing the familiarity in an annoyed way. “You seriously couldn’t keep your hands off yourself for ten fucking minutes?”

“Hey, don’t be annoyed,” he said, sounding impatient with me—as if it were my fault the back of his hand was covered with spunk.

It was too late for that, though. I shook my head and hung up on the guy, then logged back on Manhunt. Guys are always curious why my ignore list there seems to be so much longer than my list of buddies. All I can say is that every guy on that page has a little story. Just like the guy who had it all—on my computer screen, anyway.

18 comments:

  1. "Something came up" alright. Wait, does that mean that even the sound if your voice is orgasm-inducing? Freaking super-power right there.

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  2. I just never cease to be amazed by what the personals sites bring in. But maybe Richard is onto something there. Perhaps it's not just your sexy smile, awesome cock, great attitude, and clever wit that we all know you by. Perhaps your voice makes it the trifecta...er, "quintfecta" that just can't be resisted.

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  3. Richard,

    I think it was just a speeding train that couldn't be stopped, pretty much!

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  4. Untitled,

    My voice is pretty plebian, truth be told. Especially when I'm giving directions. (Not that kind of direction.) I appreciate your faith in me, though. :-)

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  5. This made my morning! I am sorry you didn't get any from him Rob, but you gave me a great laugh!

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  6. Wow, your voice is so hot that "turn left on A Street" can make someone cum!

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  7. I had the same thing happen to me a couple of months back. Well it wasn't exactly the same. After some labored/quavering speaking came click. It was later at night and the call came from a nearby museum. He must have been a night watchman.

    Speaking of Mapquest. I hate it when after I give the address, they reply back with where's that? At that point I never follow through. It's an indicator to me of game playing or shear stupidity. If they're online, they should be able to use Google Maps.

    Seph

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  8. Tom,

    Anything to give you a laugh, my friend!

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  9. Saab,

    Think of what happens when I say 'Get on your knees, boy!'

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  10. Seph,

    I wish the whole 'sex in a museum' thing had happened. I'm perverted like that. Among the natural history dioramas would've been hot.

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  11. I've had sex in a museum...just a different one...the county history museum in an old mansion.

    Even if my dude on the phone had wanted to hook up, I doubt that it would have been in the modern art museum he called from. Another interesting thing about it all was that he called from the museum phone instead of his cell phone which makes me think he was cruising CL on a work computer instead of his phone. Smart.

    Seph

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  12. That is so fucking annoying..... I no longer write to anyone that says "tempt me"

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  13. Jase,

    I find 'tempt me' to be downright obnoxious, when someone says it. If you're not already tempted by me, find some other damned top. Right?

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  14. Grrrrr, I definitely got hard thinking of that...., SIR... ;)

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  15. The timbre of your voice notwithstanding, maybe this is just a Motor City thing. The other famous Detroit resident sold a million records giving out driving directions in "Freeway of Love": "Get over in the left lane...take the exit and go on over to Love and Satisfaction" and "Cruise on over to It's-Better-Than-Ever Street." Maybe y'all just have an automobile-fetish.

    (Bet you're fun at a car show...!)

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  16. Throb,

    I had sex at the Detroit Auto Show once, if it makes you feel any better about me.

    Are you going to sing that song at karaoke for me?

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  17. Uh...feel any better about you? That's possible...how? And yes. In a medley with "Beep-beep-mmm-beep-beep-yeah!"

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  18. Yes, another super-power to add the the list. Poor janitor having to clean the floors after your set on karaoke nights!
    JPinPDX

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