Friday, February 10, 2012

Open Forum Friday: Online Hookup Turn-Offs

Online is how men find each other for sex these days. Sure, it’s still possible to cruise public parks or restrooms to find some occasional dick. One can still head to the bar and pick someone up. Okay, I suppose it’s still possible to meet people at places like the job or while doing things like volunteer work or attending church, but let’s face it. Going online, whether on one of the many sex cruising websites, or Craigslist, or a phone app like Grindr, is these days the fastest and most expedient way for most horny guys looking for man-on-man action to get laid.

That’s one of the reasons I do it. But it’s also so ripe for the mocking that I can’t resist going at it, on occasion.

Which is basically my set-up for saying, I was going to write today about a fuck I had this week that was less than stellar, but then I decided to be an old curmudgeon instead, as if I were starring as a sexed-up Mr. Wilson in a reboot of the Hank Ketcham comic strip called ‘Dennis the Leather Menace.’

So. Without further ado, I present:

4 Things I Wish You Wouldn’t Write Me in Your Hookup Notes


1. UNLOCK

It’s usually a one-word note. Not even that. Just a subject line in an online email, on a site like Manhunt or Adam4Adam. UNLOCK.

What it means is that the guy wants you to flip the switch that permits him to see any private photos you might have that aren’t on view to the general public. Simple enough, right? Sure, there might be more polite ways to ask such a thing. Hey, I find you attractive. May I see your locked pics? comes to mind.


Unlock strikes me as abrupt and imperative, but hey. At least it’s not coy, right?

The thing is that I don’t lock my photos. They’re all out there in the open, X-rated and G-rated alike, shots of my goofy face rubbing up next to photos of my nuts and dick on proud display. (Not in the same single photo. I don't do that any more.)

I know that most guys, particularly in my area, don’t do such a thing. They have either their faces and torsos on display and their gonads behind the lock, or the reverse. Not me. I’ve received email lectures about doing it from local guys who are shocked that I’d be so trashy. Screw ‘em.

Don’t ask me to unlock. I don’t have anything to unlock. You look like a dumbass, saying it. It’s like walking up to a naked man and yelling at him, Take it off!

Note: I do have locked pics on my BBRT profile—but only because the site asks that users lock penetration shots. It’s also the one site where I don’t have people sending me UNLOCK emails.


2. Picture Inequity

I suppose I shouldn’t really complain about notes with twice the number of words as UNLOCK. But I’m gonna complain about this one: MORE PICS?

I do have more pics. I have a lot more pics. I have a decade’s worth of digital shots, dating back to the days when I had a Sony Mavica that recorded photos on floppy disks.

But see, sir, the thing is that while I have—oh, I don’t know—eight or ten photos on my profile, you’ve got exactly zero. Or maybe one. And if you do have one, that one is a particularly small and grainy shot of what could be your chest, or might be your elbow. Again, I don’t know. It’s tough to tell when it’s so blurry and out of focus that it seems to have been shot through a field of dirty beer mugs.

With my old Mavica.

So here’s the thing, guys. If you really want someone to send you more pics, why not make the first and more generous move? Say, I really like your pics. What’s your email so I can send you a few more? Do you have any others to trade, too? Not only does it make you sound as if you’re trying to do the right thing, but it tells the guy that you’re willing to give a little to get a little.

That’s a good thing, because MORE PICS? always gives me the impression that you don’t think my existing pics are good enough for your blurry ass.


3. Are you still interested?

There’s a certain type of personality online that needs constant reassurance. I find that type of personal fucking exhausting.

There’s always a good initial fit, it seems. Mutual interest on both sides. But there’s something that keeps us from getting together right away. That something is usually distance—I’m where I am, and they’re in Pennsylvania, or Boston. Or it could be scheduling—he’s in Manhattan, but he’s only available weekends, and I usually only go into the city on weekdays.

So then will come the barrage of emails. Hi, I thought we were a good match the other day but I need to know if you’re interested in getting together sometime. There still aren’t any concrete suggestions of what to do, on his end. Just a general need to know if I’m interested.

Nothing wrong with that. Once.

But the more extreme types of this personality require constant reassurance. Usually within about ten seconds of me logging on. Are you still interested in meeting sometime? I need to know. Or, I really need to know if you still want to meet.

Dude, listen. I’ve told you I’m interested. I’ve given you ways to contact me. I’ve given you my schedule and probable best days to hook up. The ball’s in your court. We’re not a Victorian relationship with a decade-long engagement; it’s not my responsibility daily to assure you that my intentions have not changed, or that I don’t have my eye on that saucy minx who shows a bit of ankle from under her bustle.

If propping up your fragile ego is becoming a bit of a full-time job, chances are that you’re going to be put on my block list real soon.


4. Lookin

Another one-word note. LOOKING. Or sometimes, LOOKIN. Sometimes with a question mark, often without.

Yeah, I might be lookin’. I might even have found you attractive under other circumstances. But for some reason, those one-word notes, usually no more than a subject line, I find really off-putting.

Or off-puttin’.

If you can’t be bothered to write even a simple note like, I can host and I’m horny, want to come over?, chances are that I really don’t want to meet you. You’re just telling me you’re a lazy fuck, basically. And who wants to labor over a lazy fuck?


Man, apparently I am Mr. Wilson.

So readers, tell me. What’re the notes you dread getting online? Is it the ‘sups, or the UNLOCKS? Is it the constant requests for you to top when you’ve plainly stated you’re a bottom? I declare this Open Forum Friday. Gentlemen, start your engines. And may the best griper win!

42 comments:

  1. Here's another one; I write three or four sentences saying what I like, what I'm looking for, and ask for a similiar response and all I get is Cool. Why is it so hard for guys to response in the form of a sentence?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That drives me batty too, amtop. I'm usually put off enough by it (again, if they're too lazy to type, they're going to be a lazy bottom) that I'll just leave it at that, and then their next response is the inevitable one-liner: SO???

      Delete
  2. Rob, I know you said gentlemen and I am indeed a woman. However you and your writing make me really happy. I love your stories--your perspective, your frame on life. Seriously--whenever you talk about your hair (the shampooing in the bath)--I can't stop smiling all day.

    An added bonus to all the joy you bring is the seriously indepth knowledge of gay sex I now have:)

    Hope you never stop writing..

    love to you

    Steph

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    Replies
    1. Steph,

      You hope I never stop writing? I hope I never stop having hair. (Don't encourage me to talk about my hair!)

      Thank you!

      Delete
  3. Gentle Breeder,

    Thank you for addressing this. I wish we could create a website to banish the pic collectors to. Sort of a database of poor nettiquette. I assure you, if you were back in the midwest, as soon as I knew you were intersted I would be there with bells on. That is if you like guys in bells.

    Al

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    Replies
    1. Mmmm. I'm totally into that whole jester-sex thing. Hot.

      I've never understood the pic collecting thing either. What do they do with all those pics?

      Delete
    2. Elizabethan porn, what a fun niche

      Al

      Delete
  4. As someone who has stopped having hair...that's another story. My pet hate? on cam when people get cranky that you're not showing your face when they're not showing anything. Treat others as you would be treated, I say. And on a side note, Rob, I can't help notice you've used "curmudgeon" twice in your posts this week; once as a response to a comment from me; once in this post. I also notice it's your birthday this week. Please don't let age turn you curmudgeonly! Although even if it does, you'd make a pretty sexy curmudgeon .

    Cheers

    Jamie

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    Replies
    1. Jamie, why let a good word go to waste? Now that it's been aired properly, I'll fold it up and stick it in its drawer.

      Delete
    2. No, no , no! Use it again! Don't let the teasing of someone who can't punctuate to save his life censor you!

      Cheers
      Jamie

      Delete
  5. My Craig's List posts are very specific with my stats and that I am looking for NSA oral servicing of other masc, fit guys! Never fails; "what are your stats?" or "what are you into?". Really!? LoL! Cheers! Love your blog! @mh4head

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh, I know, mh4head . . . CraigsList is notorious for that. That, and the whole thing where I specify 'I will not reply to your email if you don't send me a photo thing,' and getting nothing but emails without photos.

      Delete
    2. Oh, god I fucking HATE that! I'm very descriptive in what I want, what I will and won't do and then I get some shithead "What are your stats". I usually reply with "They haven't changed since I put them in the ad." And then I just put them in the killfile as they'll end up being a waste of time anyway.

      Delete
  6. I'm hating the new "Oink" on BBRT. I can already see who has "checked me out", and presumably if I was someone they might be interested in they could take 10 seconds to write a quick note. It's just a replacement for the 1 word (usually in the subject line)"WOOF", which never got a response from me either. If you want some time with me, spend some time telling me why...

    Oh, and Happy Birthday, Rob!

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    1. See, I don't mind the 'oink' and 'wink' features on the websites. I know some guys hate them, but I see it as a way of expressing interest without using an email. I might be a paying BBRT member (or Manhunt for winks), but I know that not everyone is, and I'm not going to require them to use up one of their limited emails just to see if I'm interested.

      I always thank the guy for the wink or oink, and let him take the initiative from there.

      I'm more put off by the men who post in their profiles how much they fuckin' hate winks and oinks and if you're going to wink and oink at them, they're going to put you on their fuckin' block list, fuckers, than I am by the people who use the tools the websites provide in a friendly manner.

      Delete
    2. Like you, I'm never rude to an oink, and if I like the oinker's profile, I'll usually respond with a quick thanks. In fact, I endeavor to reply graciously to all emails, even when not interested. I wasn't even considering the limited email reasoning behind using an oink. You've taught me something today :-). I guess I was just expressing frustration with people not taking the time to express themselves.

      I generally avoid the guys who have a list of "I HATE ____ " in their profiles, thinking "why so angry?"...

      Delete
    3. I know that the online experience is frustrating, and not everyone has a blog in which to take out those frustrations. A lot of them don't seem to realize that the profile is what gives a guy a first impression, though, and filling it with a lot of angry restrictions of what men should and should say, or how they must and must not approach them—well, it's putting dampers on the communication even before it begins.

      I also think a lot of men aren't bold enough to come out and come on to someone they find attractive, so an oink or wink is a low-investment way of seeing if the other guy has enough interest to respond. I'm fine with that. I have issues approaching truly beautiful guys, myself.

      Delete
  7. Funny writing, but true. I've looked at craigslists ads in my area just to see what people write and it's amazing the number of guys who want to hook up but say almost nothing in their ad.

    I've always thought the more you say about yourself and what you are looking for, the better your chances of success.

    The biggest turn off are those that lie.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You now have the distinction of being the first, and hopefully only, person to make me think about Mr. Wilson having sex, so kudos for that.

    This post is so spot on for some of the online bull I have been getting recently. I'm happy that there are the guys out there who actually talk, and my profile seems structured to attract that kind of guy, but for every good communication there are about ten that make me cringe. Whenever someone uses "Unlock" as a subject heading I will usually make a point of changing it when I reply.

    My biggest peeve has to be guys who look at my profile over and over and never email. Then, when I send them one, they give very short replies. Easiest way to my block list. And of course you remember my good friend "Loose the hair, and we'll talk" guy. I get that more often then you might think and it pisses me off.

    -Ace

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    1. Yeah, Ace, that thing about guys who check out my profile within seconds of me logging on, every time I connect—and who then either don't reply when I send a greeting, or who delete my mail unread—is driving me nuts. I get a lot of that.

      Delete
    2. I get the delete without reading too! It is astounding. I at least have the decency to read what people send me, even if I know it won't be something I like or want, I give the guy the benefit of the doubt. If someone won't do the same for me, I know we won't get along.

      Delete
  9. One thing that has always upset me are the men who message me have profiles where all of their pictures locked or set to private. Now I know that some guys are shy, or not out, or on the DL but seriously how am I supposed to have a conversation with the someone if I can't even see something showing me that I'm talking to a real person?

    I also dislike being messaged by guys who would rather chat then meet up but don't tell you that. You just have to discover it out by the 5th Email. I don't mind sexting or Erotic Email chains but I really wish men would let your know what you getting into at the start.

    and now I sound like an angry Black Guy lol!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Blackwatch, I wrote a whole entry not too long ago about how I can't tell one profile from another when the guys either have no photos, or won't unlock them. I'll remember a profile for months if I can associate a pic with it, but otherwise I'm a blank, no matter how much we talk.

      What drives me crazy are the guys who re-lock their photos almost immediately. As in, they give you ten minutes to look at it, then they're locked. Why? What's the point? And with some of them, they've re-locked before I've even had a chance to look at the photos!

      Delete
  10. Replies
    1. I knew there was going to be one wise-ass. :-)

      Delete
    2. Better a wiseass than a dumbass, I always say. And while your treatment of any given ass may result in the attached brain* temporarily losing IQ in whole or in part, surely an educated, experienced, practiced ass has its advantages!

      *I assume that any ass (as opposed to simulations thereof) that you fuck has a functioning, conscious brain attached (by normal nerve channels to spine, etc). The alternative is horrific. :-)

      Delete
  11. My pet peeve when caming on Omegle.com is the guy who demand "ASL?" when they are showing nothing but a black screen. Or someone who makes the same demand and then hits the "Next" button before you can respond.

    For those who do not use Omegle.com, ASL=age, sex, location

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    1. I've never heard of that site, rahinpa. I think the meaning of ASL is pretty universal, though. It drives me batty when people use it on Manhunt, where the gender of the other person should be pretty much a given.

      Delete
    2. Redundancy for clarity. If they sent you "AL?" You would reply "NO MY NAME IS ROB." :-)

      Of course, the inconsiderate selfishness of sending only four characters marks the sender as DNBW (Do Not Bother With).

      Delete
  12. My biggest online pet peeve is something along the lines of the men that need constant validation that you want to hook up with them, but around where I am (which is not that far North of you Rob), it always seems that you set the time and the date to meet, and when you show up you get a text from your supposed hookup cancelling or wanting to reschedule because something came up (i.e. wife is looking at them funny for wanting to go out). Then they constantly send you countless emails, text messages etc about wanting to reschedule with no specific details as to when. I am alright with having to cancel once in a while. Things come up legitimately, but don't over-obsess about rescheduling with 5 text messages in a row and countless emails on the hookup site and to personal emails as well. BLAH!

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    1. Flakes are definitely an issue, Tom. I agree. My most typical form of flakery comes when the guy says he'll give me a call on a certain day, but never does.

      Men who make a date and who tell me they're heading out and coming over, only never to show, don't get another chance from me, no matter how good their excuse.

      Delete
    2. Even if they show up in a blue police box (mysteriously appearing in your driveway) and begin with "OK, you're not going to believe this, but..."?

      Delete
    3. My worst was a guy Emailing SIX MONTHS later wanting to hook up after flaking on me. There had been ZERO communication in that period. I mentioned him blowing me off the last time we were to meet and the reply was "My car broke down. Not my fault." I said "It must've taken your computer with it since you didn't have the fucking courtesy to message me and tell me so. Don't bother to reply, I have your ass on my block list."

      Delete
  13. Rob,
    Thank you for sharing those online tips for us. I never did the online sex or check on Grindr or even Craig's list. Maybe one day i will, who knows. The people who don't answer you back are the one missing a great opportunity abd some great time, to bad for them. My cell phone is just a regular one so no application for meeting like that. I can only send messages and that's it. Thank you again for the post sexy man.

    Yves

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    Replies
    1. You're not missing anything but frustration sometimes, Yves! :-)

      Delete
  14. I hate the "unequal pictures" one but the "looking" isn't so bad. Guilty of it...lol. I mean, it's just random anonymous sex for an hour or two or even less than that. What's the point in lazy banter? You know? And sides, after answering "yes" or "no" you can talk about the important stuff like can't host, travel, etc...

    One thing I hate personally is this:

    They say: hi.

    I say: hi.

    4 hours later...

    They say: hi.

    Lord, how many times I just drop my smart phone on the floor and walk the fuck away until I forget how stupid that was.

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    1. You can use 'looking' if you want, but I'm still probably not going to respond to you if you do, Hetero. I don't require banter like out of a Howard Hawks vintage movie, but I think the least I can expect is, "Hey, are you looking to connect now?" Is it really that tough to type out a complete, civil, sentence?

      Yeah, I get that 'hi' thing a lot, too. Drives me batty.

      Delete
  15. I get frustrated because I say in my profiles that I am a big guy, bear, or simply say that I'm pretty heavy and trying to lose weight. Invariably, I'll talk to someone for some time, they'll be interested, and then they ask stats. As soon as I tell them, they're no longer interested. Or they block me without saying a word. Very frustrating...

    ErieBear

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    1. That does have to be frustrating, Erie, but are you putting up pics and stats in your profile? I do it so there's no confusion about what I am and what I look like—the guys can figure out for themselves whether or not they want to talk to me, before they do.

      Delete
  16. I just found your blog today, and I'm enjoying reading it. Keep up the good work Breeder!

    As for my profile annoyances, I have to say that the biggest annoyance to me is the guys who don't even read my profile before sending me a message. I say in my profile exactly what I'm looking for, so there is no mistake or question. I explicitly say that I am not looking for a quick hook-up, but for potential fun later with someone I can connect with on an intellectual level with first. To me, anonymous sex is boring, and rarely leaves me feeling anything but empty. To others, it is amazing. To each their own.

    But, I say what I want upfront, so guys can choose to message me or move on, fully informed. Yet, inevitably, I will get guys who send messages right away asking me to hook-up then and there, or ask "what are you looking for?"

    I figure that if a guy can't be bothered to read my profile, I can't be bothered to do much more than delete his message and move on.

    -Midwest Guy

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  17. Rob,
    great blog filled with wisdom and a way that simply says it all about you, I am who I am gentle, down to earth, real. I have to ask why is it that so many guys out here, can't simply be who they are, say what they feel and be real about it. Who are we kidding?

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  18. Rob,
    great blog filled with wisdom and a way that simply says it all about you, I am who I am gentle, down to earth, real. I have to ask why is it that so many guys out here, can't simply be who they are, say what they feel and be real about it. Who are we kidding?

    ReplyDelete