Friday, March 28, 2014

Friday Open Forum: Deal-Breakers

Deal-breakers. All of us have them. What’re yours?

Not that long ago I was going about my day when I got a direct message on Twitter. It was from a reader. He loved my blog, he told me. He thought I was hot. He wanted me to be his daddy and fuck his hot little ass.

Well, it’s tough for me to hold up against blandishments like that. I couldn’t tell much about the guy from his Twitter profile other than he did indeed appear to have a hot ass (it featured prominently as his user photo), so I asked him to tell me more about himself.

He responded with some photos and information. He was young—in his early twenties. Of mixed race. Muscular and attractive. His dick was large, his ass round and larger. And he happened to be taking a train from Manhattan home back to somewhere else in New England he happened to call home, and would be passing through my area around dinnertime.

I actually had that afternoon and evening free, and was able to host. I offered the kid my phone number and asked him what time his train was coming through my area. Well look, he replied. I can’t commit right now. It depends on whether these muscle guys get back to me or not.

Which made me ask him, Huh?

I was going to hook up these muscle guys if they get back to me. But if they don’t I am totally free to chill with you, he wrote back.

I took a moment to make sure I understood the situation. So I’m really just second choice behind some muscle couple? I wrote.

No, no, he wrote back, trying to soothe me. They’re not a couple. Just two hot muscle guys. Not together. I’ve been after one of them for a long time, but I told the other if the first didn’t get back to me I’d fuck with him. If I don’t hear back from either of them it can be you, daddy. Followed by little smiley faces.

I was so taken aback I could’ve spit nails. The little motherfucker was telling me outright that I wasn’t his first or second choice of hookups, but a distant third, behind some random guys with muscles.

Now, for some guys, this state of affairs might be fine. Some guys are more laid back than I. Some chaps don’t have as huge an ego to wound. I, however, was offended. After I made sure that I’d assessed the situation correctly, I wrote back to the kid plainly and politely. I’m going to say no to meeting, I told him. I’m not interested in being your third choice. Good luck to you.

Unfortunately, the kid tried to badger me for the rest of the day. He said he’d tell the other two guys no and meet up with me. He said he’d wanted me first all along, but had been afraid to ask. Then he turned right around and said I’d better meet him because after all, I wasn’t going to get any better offers than him. No thank you, I wrote, then blocked him on Twitter.

Also unfortunate was the fact I’d already given him my phone number. Immediately after that the text messages started to come. Pleas. Photos. Please stop contacting me, I texted him, and blocked the number on my phone.

Then somehow he started to send me messages on one of the geolocation apps on my phone. I blocked him there, too.

It was a lot of weirdness in a very short period of time, and it just made me kind of glad that I discovered how annoying and stalkery the kid really was before I’d actually met him. He’s unfortunately not unique, however. There are certainly a lot of men out there who need to realize the impression they’re giving when they’re trying to lure someone between the sheets.

The deal-breaker here, of course, was the presumption that I’d be okay with the bronze medallion in this guy’s sexual olympics. I wasn’t. Frankly, nobody should be happy to be anyone’s third place. Before I’m accused of hypocrisy, let me state that yes, absolutely, I have confessed on these very pages before to double-booking and even triple-booking a time slot I know I’ll have open and available for some sexual gymnastics, so that if my first choice of playmate doesn’t show, at least I’ll have a couple of other options from which to choose. Sure I do. Almost every time.

But you know what I don’t do? I don’t tell the guys. I don’t inform someone that I might be available Wednesday night and if so, would he like to get together, and oh, by the way, he’s the backup to my backup. Telling the guy is fucking rude. I’d basically be saying I’d be happy to give him the amazing gift of myself but that he doesn’t mean as much to me in return. When I’m fucking someone, my goal is make sure they know they’re my gold trophy. Not just something I’m dumping a load into because better options weren’t available.

So I’m interested. What are your deal-breakers? What can a guy say or do, after he’s interested you in meeting, to make you break off the deal? Is it issues of common courtesy, as mine? Or is it more specific, like finding out a guy’s a smoker, or married, or hasn’t visited the dentist in ten years? What behaviors or attributes will make you do a complete one-eighty in your attitude and send a prospect packing? Sound off in the comments below.

And for the record, I certainly did have better offers than that kid, that night. I usually do.

28 comments:

  1. In the spirit of positive thinking I'd say that I really like it when a guy is just direct with what he wants. Like instead of saying "hello" and eventually getting into "wanna fuck?", I'd really love it if a guy would just say "wanna fuck?" We did "hello" ages ago. Another guy sent me an e-mail that's practically a sexual dossier of what he likes and is willing to try out.

    Definite and Direct always gets it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've put guys on my annoyances list when they never progress beyond the small chit-chat like "hey" and "what's goin' on" and then back to "hey" again. I have entire Scruff and Grindr conversation pages that consist of months of "heys" from a particular guy.

      Delete
  2. Misrepresenting their profile. If you lie and expect me to just roll with it, sorry it's not going to happen.
    BlkJack

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think that's reasonable, BlkJack. The problem with that one is that you don't find out until they show up.

      Delete
  3. I'd have to say I agree that lacking common courtesy is one. That isn't to say someone needs to turn flowery phrases! Just be honest and up front. Also, parTying, Tina, PNP/pnp and on is a deal-breaker. Smoking may or may not be, depends on the situation (clean and brushed teeth, etc. or not). Basic hygiene: I like 'man smells', but not stink and not a dirty ass.
    JPinPDX

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The thing with partiers is that usually—usually—you can get a sense of it before you commit to meeting. They advertise that they're looking to party, ask if you have substances, tell you that they're partied up and horny, or just act sketchy.

      Bad hygiene, however, is something you can't predict until they show up. And I agree on that one.

      Delete
  4. my deal breaker? when a 'top' answers my ad and slides the phrase in there, "I'd even flip for your cock."

    99% of the time it means that's all they want. They don't want me to blow them or bend over for them. They try to get in the door (or me in theirs) thinking just bc I have a big cock, they'll get it. I stop corresponding w them immediately.

    Yes, i miss the 1% who really would fuck me, but that price and the odds are too high.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If a guy advertises himself as a top, and you're definitely advertising as a bottom and not as a vers bottom or a vers guy, then yeah. You're totally right to weed out the ones who talk about flipping before you invite them over, because those guys always just want to bottom only.

      Delete
  5. Things guys have said that made me cancel:

    "That no chem thing in your profile--you can't mean Tina."
    "I want to try scat."
    "I need gas $$$."

    And so many times it's not funny....

    "How many other tops will be there?"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know I loathe the last one especially, FP. When guys start talking about how I should share them with my top buddies BEFORE I've met them, I automatically flip the off switch on them.

      I didn't get it so much in Detroit, oddly, but the one I get all the time out here is "I don't have a car so you should come pick me up, bring me to your place, then drive me home again." They're always 50 miles away. Like I want to drive 50 miles there, 50 miles back to my place, 50 miles to drop them off, then another 50 miles to get home again?

      Delete
  6. Deal-breaker for me is not matching the profile he provided. The best line I ever read on an online hook-up site is "Don't let your profile change at my front door." I heartily agree.
    --David

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree on that one too, David. And I've had it happen more times than I care to think about.

      Delete
  7. Dirty ass is a huge deal breaker. There's no way I can recover from that. Ever!
    I used to think kissing a smoker was rather sophisticated (this was back when I was new to all this, ie, a long time ago) but now it's a real turnoff. Hooking up with someone who obviously forgot what we'd discussed as far as sexual activities go is pretty insulting. When that's happened, I assume they have me mixed up with one of hte others that they had on the hook. BO is always bad -- and by BO I don't necessarily mean that he smells like a man, or that he's sweaty -- licking salty sweat from various locations is pretty hot. I mean sour. Licking an armpit that's got deodorant in it is a huge deal breaker. I mean, really? Cologne is not my thing at all, but it's not really a deal breaker unless it's flowery or overwhelming.

    I'm sure I'll think of a few more!

    Paul, NYC

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hygiene is always important!

      I understand the no-cologne and no-deodorant thing, but if that's a strong preference, I think it's up to the guy who has problems with them to mention them beforehand. There are times I wear deodorant for work-related purposes and don't always know that some guy is going to shove his face and tongue in the pit hair that evening.

      Delete
  8. This is shallow but when a craiglist hookup tells me he drives a vw bug, Mini Cooper or a Prius, I turn them down.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is oddly specific, Anonymous.

      Delete
    2. Do you drive a big gas guzzling SUV Anonymous?

      Delete
    3. That would pretty much eliminate a huge group in this neck of the woods, Anonymous. But you'd be left with Truck/SUV drivers and bicyclists.
      JPinPDX

      Delete
  9. They've been listed before, but I'll second them;

    [ ] Smoking and/or Chewing Tobacco
    [ ] Tina, Meth, PNP, whatever you call it
    [ ] Ga$ Money, Generou$, Flower$, Ro$e$

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, that dollar $ign thing is really $ubtle, ain't it?

      Delete
  10. At one time or another we’ve had at least 2 guys on the hook while say # 1 was pressing for a time you hope #2 will confirm. Since we’ve ALL done it, is it any surprise after stringing # 1 along until it’s confirmed # 2 isn’t going to happen, # 1 catches on and suddenly has no time to meet up!
    As for deal breakers trust if they can’t text or call upon arrival to navigate thru security or give them a code once at the gate I pass , not giving out gate codes to first timers, repeat visitors well that’s another story…

    ReplyDelete
  11. That guy was the cyber version of the guy in a bar who goes home at 2am with the guy he turned down at 10pm because no one better came along. You don't need to deal with guys like that.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I find myself re-thinking a situation once I get the slightest impression that the guy is needy/desperate/begging, mainly because when I've entertained conversation with these types in the past, they end up being the stalkery/harassing type when you don't give them what they think they "deserve."
    -Ethan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ethan, I agree. I find that the needy/desperate/begging ones are usually the ones who attempt the most passive-aggressive tactics afterward, too . . . and those turn me off quicker than anything.

      Delete
  13. For me in the situation you wrote about I would probably have done the same but if I had not hooked up with anyone in a while then I probably would have just let it go and hoped I was the one he ended up hooking up with. But I do have deal breakers if they are way fatter than thier pic then it is a no go. I don't mind a guy being a little huskier than in his pic we all put on a few now and then but if they are also way older I will say no way. I don't like being blatantly misled.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hoop skirts. I have too many vulnerable tchotchkes.

    ReplyDelete
  15. While not a deal breaker, the fact that you describe the guy as "a kid" and in his early 20s is the telltale factor; usually kids are playing the field, trying to line up backup plans on top of a planned done deal. You were the backup plan, but he didn't tell you that up front. That's not to say that I have not met some young 20s guys who were very mature. But when I am contacted by someone in his early 20s, I worry about both his maturity level and whether he expects me to be a sugar daddy to get "his goodies."

    ReplyDelete