Thursday, May 29, 2014

Thursday Open Forum: Group Sex 101

Orgies. Group sex. To a lot of people, myself included, the terms are no big deal. To others, they’re fraught with anxiety.

Most of the sex I’ve had over the last six months, it seems, has either been in group situations, or with men I’ve met during big naked groups. I can’t say why this is, exactly—beyond, of course, the fact that I’m a top with a big dick, and big-docked tops are popular (and rare) in groups. Maybe there are more orgies in this part of the country? Maybe I’ve just stumbled into a handful of sex friends who are more inclined to throw groups when they know there’s a reliable top to invite? I don’t know.

What I do know is that of the mail I get from readers, the topic that gets addressed the most, the topic which has people fretting and worrying more than any other, has to do with the etiquette involved in attending group sex functions.

I’m not going to dismiss any of this anxiety as foolish or unwarranted. Meeting up with one stranger can be scary on its own. Walking into a group situation with a bunch of unknown strangers only multiplies whatever body anxieties and performance fears one might have; it’s enough to make a neurotic out of the most stable personality.

If you’re considering following in my footsteps and attempting group sex for the first time, however, I think there are a few general guidelines to follow.

1. Don’t be afraid to say yes to to a group sex invitation.

Group sex isn’t inherently deviant and perverted. Attending an orgy isn’t going to make you into an unredeemable slut or a bad person. Gay or straight, large group or small, it can be highly enjoyable and a great way to socialize. Yes, socialize. And network too, believe it or not.

Overwhelming as the prospect of getting naked in front of group might be for a first-timer, however, I think it’s important to remember that most of the men attending a group sex event are really all there for the same reason—to get off a time or two, and to have an enjoyable couple of hours doing it.

Chances are they’re all arriving with the same worries you might be feeling. Am I good looking enough? Am I hung enough? Will anybody want to fuck me? They’ll be worrying about whether or not they’ll have to make the first move, and how humiliated they’ll be when they try to reach out for some hot guy’s dick and the hot guy up and slaps away that filthy greasy paw. There might be some die-hard group sex aficionados in the mix like me, but chances are a lot (if not most) of the guys are new to it, just like you.

If you get the invite, or if you see an opportunity while you’re prowling online, first relax. Calm down. Take a deep breath. Think about it. Then accept. You might have more fun than you think, and you probably will even come away more confident than you went in.

2. Pick an event that’s right for you.

If you live in a big city, there are probably sex parties happening around you on a frequent basis. Some of them get advertised on sites such as Manhunt or Adam4Adam or BBRT, where it’s possible to browse through public boards or even to press a single button to get a listing of upcoming events. Others might appear in local sex blogs. Some are going to be private, by invitation only, and you have to know the right people.

Anxious as you might be, however, to get your first taste of group sex, before you start worrying about whether you’ll fit in, make sure the event suits you. If you’re looking for guaranteed bareback sex, don’t sign up to attend a foot fetishists’s festival or a jackoff party. Don’t sign up for a group in which safer sex rules are strictly enforced. If you think anal sex is dirty and disgusting, don’t attend a fisting party. This advice might seem obvious, but believe me, I’ve been in a lot of situations in which guys showed up, convinced they could make the party suit their own desires, without any regard to what everyone else wanted. It ain’t cute, and the results ain’t pretty.

There are a handful of events in which the people throwing the party very rigorously screen attendees. They may be searching for a certain degree of hotness, or excluding men who don’t meet a certain invisible requirement for looks, weight, or age. If you do submit your stats and photos for one of these and don’t get invited, don’t waste any of your time mourning when you get the rejection. You are not totally unfuckable. That party just wasn’t for you—and you can do better, trust me.

3. If you agree to attend a group sex party, show up. And show up on time.

Nothing irritates a man who’s spent a lot of his own personal time attempting to arrange a group sex party more than people who simply don’t show. My experience in arranging groups has always been pretty dismal; if I invite ten guys to come play at my place on a given date and time, I usually expect about three to show up, at most. I have friends who are more trusting.

Don’t sit behind your computer wanking while you think to yourself how hot an orgy would be, if all you plan to do is get off and never show up, even though the host is expecting you. If you’re unsure you’ll be able to attend, don’t say yes. If you know the chances are slim of you emerging from beneath the rock where you live, please tell the nice guy inviting you Think of me next time, but I can’t be there on that date. Thanks.

If the party’s one of those affairs in which you’re encouraged to show up anytime between eight p.m. and midnight, feel free to make a late entrance. Otherwise, show up at exactly the appointed hour the party’s supposed to start. It’s annoying for the host or one of the other guests to open and close the door repeatedly. You’re pulling them away from the action, when you show up late.

If you do have a genuine conflict, tell your host as soon as possible—preferably before the event commences. Telephone, text, or email your regrets. Doing so as an afterthought might indicate how little regard you have for the host, but even that’s better than not showing up at all.

4. If you agree to attend a group sex party, show up ready to play.

Don’t bounce into the room expecting everyone to be hugely interested in the traffic you just encountered. Don’t spill the hundred excuses you might have for being fifteen minutes late. Don’t assume that the motel room or the host’s house will have a working shower so you can clean up. Arrive with your cock ring on, your jock on your butt beneath your business suit, and your hole cleaned out and ready to go. Everyone’s time is at a premium these days; don’t waste it when it comes to others.

Additionally, don’t even bother attending a sex party if you’re not committed actually to having sex. If you’re going to lurk in the corner and not remove your clothes, stay home. If you’re going to arrive only to check out the guys, decide they’re not good enough for your persnickety ass, and then flounce off, just don’t come in the first place. If you’re planning to whack off furiously watching others while growling like a rabid dog at anyone who attempts to touch you, you’d do better behind your monitor watching porn. I’ve encountered all three types of these guys at just about every party I’ve been to, and I can tell you from experience, none of them ever got invited back.

If you are going to need lube for your adventures, bring lube. If you are requiring condoms, bring condoms. If the guy throwing the party has asked for a few bucks to cover the overhead costs, bring a few bucks. Don’t assume that others will cover for you.

5. While you’re at a group sex party, stay responsible for your own safety and behavior.

Start off by being responsible for what you bring with you. If it’s a regular group of guys you trust, that’s one thing. But if you’re in a dark hotel room with a bunch of naked strangers, don’t show up with a Coach leather man-bag that’s holding your iPad, your smartphone, the one printed copy of your doctoral thesis due next week and the one backup, and the irreplaceable birthday gift you just bought your dear mother-in-law. You don’t know who’s going to take off with it while you’ve got your legs lifted to heaven. Leave your wallet in the car, or at home. Arrive with as little cash as possible, and with as little that a light-fingered stranger might be tempted to filch.

If you’re attempting to preserve a negative serostatus at a group sex party, doing so is your responsibility. If you want your partners to wear condoms, it’s up to you to ask them. If you’re trying to bareback but to serosort your partners through some kind of superstitious voodoo ritual that convinces you that you’re immune to risk, be aware that a man’s answers to your question about his HIV status may be affected by exactly how few inches away his raging cock is from your raw hole. Don’t accept substances at a party you wouldn’t otherwise accept; don’t venture to a neighborhood where you’d feel uncomfortable, just for the sake of cheap and easy sex.

When it comes right down to it, you are responsible for your own safety and welfare at a group sex party. Don’t let your dick or anybody else make those important decisions for you.

6. Be nice to the host.

I don’t know how many times I can emphasize this particular point. Every couple of weeks I attend a group event at the home of a retired professor, at which fifteen to twenty guys show up on any given day. And every single time there’s always one asshole—he’s always a different person, but it seems like someone new is always occupying the Designated Asshole slot—who comes in, drops his drawers, and proceeds to rebuff not only the genial host’s advances, but even his attempts at conversation. The Designated Asshole will try to corner whoever he thinks is the hottest guy, get off quickly, and then disappear without even thanking the host.

Grandmotherly though I know I sound, I think this kind of behavior is appalling. (I know, you’re picturing me in a housecoat clutching my pearls and intoning Whatever are they teaching the children these days!) But I know I’m not the only one. Not only does my host keep track of who’s being a rude son-of-a-bitch, but the other regulars at the party, when they see our host given the cold shoulder, are more inclined to shut out the Designated Asshole so that he’s not getting any fun whatsoever. We can be highly protective of our favorite professor.

So if your party has a host, whether it’s the fellow whose house you’re using, or whether it’s the nice pervert who’s taken his time to arrange for the hotel room and to line up the list of guests, be nice to the guy. Give him some extra attention. Slip him a twenty to help pay for the costs, if he’s rented a hotel room for the day. Give him a blow job or your dick or make him feel extra special and hot with your compliments. Your kindness will be remembered, and you will be invited back.

7. For the love of god, play nicely with others.

You’re not going to be attracted to every single person at a sex party. You’re just not. But that doesn’t mean you’re excused from treating them politely.

That guy you think is a creepy old troll might be the boyfriend of the hottie you’re trying to get with, for all you know. Kicking him to the curb with a rude comment could backfire. Even if the creepy old troll is indeed merely a creepy old troll, you’re still not going to do yourself any favors by cutting him down with what you imagine is a witty and devastating remark. Mostly you’re just going to make yourself look like a cruel dick in front of your peers.

The same rules your mom taught you on the playground when you were five years old apply here. Don’t shove others out of the way to get to your favorite toy. You are no more entitled than anyone else present to be first on the best rides. Don’t cause fights, don’t argue, don’t make a fuss or a scene. Do not monopolize any one person. You will be expected to share.

I’ve always found that the camaraderie of men enjoying sex with each other is a bonding experience that can’t be beat; it’s a surefire way to make friends, earn respect, and to share joyful experiences that you’ll remember for a very long time to come. Group sex can be fucking amazing when everyone’s looking out for each other and helping each other to have a hot, sweaty time. And it can be lousy, frustrating, and godawful when one or two guys spoil it by behaving heedlessly or by trying to ruin the spirit of sharing with selfish behavior. Don’t be the Designated Asshole, and treat everyone as you’d like to be treated. It’s the Breeder’s Golden Rule.

If you’ve got questions about group sex, ask them in the comments below. And if you’re experienced in it and have other tips to share, post those as well. We’re all here to help each other over these hurdles—and once those fears of groups are conquered, you’ll be on your way to having some great fun.

(Just remember to invite me, too.)

20 comments:

  1. I've had two group encounters (one a threesome and one a partner-swap), and the key thing I've picked up when it comes to multiple partners:

    Control your jealousy.

    When you're in a group situation, you may attach yourself more to one or a few participants (maybe you already know them, you feel that you hit it off better with them, or you're just more attracted to them). When that happens, it's important to not let that attachment turn into resentment or insecurity when the ones you attach yourself to engage with or focus on others in sex. If the guy you particularly like is having fun with someone else, just let that be, or (if you're capable of it) take pleasure in his enjoyment.

    In my second group encounter (a kind of partner swap with a guy I was visiting and a couple he knew), my temporary new partner and I got it on and it was fun. At the same time, he knew the guy I was originally with and kept looking at him and watching as my org.part. had fun with with his boyfriend. I knew that they had been intimate previously and had a sexual history together.

    I could have gotten jealous (after all, the guy teasing my ass with his dick and who I was blowing was semi-absentminded), but I didn't. Even if he was dividing his attention, he was still pleasuring me and I really enjoyed what attention he did pay to me. I found pleasure in his desire for my org.part. and enjoyed it when the two of them finally got together and kissed again.

    An visual example of this (and one I enjoy watching; I've in part learned to enjoy a top's divided attention as a kink; it's a hot form of objectification that does it for me) is this video: http://www.rockettube.com/Frat-Guys/Sketchysex/118611/Cum-Dumpsters.html In it, the scruffy-faced top keeps looking at the blowjob being performed next to him even as he's fucking another guy. Yet, both pairs continue having sex and the and the guy being fucked by scruffy-faced top doesn't object to his top's divided attention (granted, a porn will probably not have that kind of disruptive drama; it's just a visual example).

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    1. Yeah, I totally think reining in feelings of jealousy and envy is a wise thing to do. It's all a part of playing nicely with others, really—if you go in with the attitude that everyone's there to have fun, and with a willingness to share your toys, no matter how much you want to keep them to yourself, you're more likely to get a good response from everyone else.

      I've always found it immensely sexy when someone I like is enjoying himself with someone else; it's not really that difficult a mindset to cultivate. Sure, I have my moments of jealousy, but when I know they're out of place and even inappropriate in a particular setting, I'm able to cope with them more effectively.

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  2. What a coincidence, I just posted a group-sex tangent post.

    http://zenmann5.blogspot.com/2014/05/self-limits.html

    tl;dr: It didn't happen. This would've been a first group sex experience I had if I was invited in. However, I left one detail that would've saved both me and the host the grief of apologies and time invested. I didn't tell him that I was only in the mood for bottoming.

    It was really embarrassing for both of us. But I'm so happy I learned something (and I met some new people)

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  3. Can we start calling you Prudence?:)

    I am quite sure I will never need this advice but I enjoyed it anyway.

    Steph

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    1. One never knows. (He said, portentously.)

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  4. You're the Miss Manners of orgies.

    All you said was common sense, but sadly we have become a world where more and more people are lacking common sense. It's become to much of a me-me world so the Designated Assholes are growing in numbers.

    Do you think a first timer is better off looking for a group of married guys from the 'burbs then with single openly gay guys in the city?

    The married guys seem to be just looking for some man fun with the short time they can get away from the family, so never seem as judgemental as the single gay guys who are always looking for the hottest guy or for someone better to walk in.

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  5. Ah Mr. Steed, would that I could take your most excellent guidelines and post them in all the sex clubs and bars (where sexplay is allowed)! Perfect as they are for an orgy, they would translate just as well in more public settings. I have had my hand slapped away so hard it stung for long minutes afterwards by assholes who could not be kind, and been subjected to even ruder actions, to the point is simply staying home rather than go out sometimes. Granted, when one pays an entrance fee one should be able to do what one wants, but that is still no reason to be a jerk.

    When next I am invited to an orgy ( anyone.....please?), I will take all your lessons to heart.

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    1. Is it rude to pull a hand away when you're in the middle of something? I was lost in the feeling of skull-fucking a guy when suddenly I felt someone trying to pry my ass cheeks apart. I was like whoa, buddy. And then I gave him that, sorry, not a bottom -face...

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  6. Wow -- that's a lot to conjure with! As a veteran orgy-goer, both private and public, I can certainly second all that you say. I attended a weekly orgy in the home of friends for several years until the Manhattan real estate market drove them out to Jersey City. They were somewhat selective as to the participants -- you had to be sponsored and if you played well with others, you got on the permanent invite list. There was a fixed door charge. Another friend of mine has been sponsoring orgies since the late 90s -- when the Giuliani crackdown and the aforementioned real estate market put paid to a lot of the public venues -- first in a really nice private home, then hotel rooms, and since then in a variety of lofts. Again, you have to be sponsored and the crowd has, with the passage of time, skewed older. Some of the participants have been attending since the first gatherings in 1998. Also a fixed door charge.

    I think anyone who has an interest in group sex should go for it. If you don't like it, no harm done. Don't go back. If you do like, it can open up a whole new world of sexual expression (and I never thought I'd use that phrase in real life)!

    Paul, NYC

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    1. H'mmm....Paul, it sounds like you used to go to the parties hosted by my brother and his partner before they were forced to move to Jersey...though there must have been other hosts who fit that description. I never went--I only have his word for the fact they were among the best parties in NYC at the time. I know any party with multiple rimseats is a place I would want to be....I think this is the moment we say something about "small world...."

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    2. Hi FP,

      First, thanks Rob, for letting us use your blog to communicate.

      FP -- could be be talking about B-- and E---- by any chance? If so, it is a VERY small world. If not, there was a lot going on in New York at that time -- there may still be but I'm not as tuned in to that scene at the moment. I do still see E---- occasionally at another hot party.

      Those parties were the best in NYC at that time -- the venue, the hosts, the guests, the chemistry -- and I miss them.

      Paul, NYC


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    3. Yes, thank you Rob....

      Paul---yes. B is my older brother. Take a look at my pics on my blog and you will likely see the resemblance. Not to mention my obsession with rimming, WS and group sex...

      And I now own one of those rimseats from the parties. One of them became a birthday present.

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    4. Wow. I thought you reading about yourself in Rob's blog before he encouraged you to start your own was "small world" but this is a coincidence... Hmm...

      I have the uncanny ability to bump into friends at bathhouses and parties/orgies. Just happened last week, actually.

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  7. Maybe another possible bit of advice would be: if you're a first timer, it could possibly be more reassuring to go with or where there will be someone you know before hand. This could be a good thing just to know you have a good rapport with at least one person there, or could also be an easy way to initiate play with someone you don't have to guess interest with. Then again, maybe total anonymity is something someone could be more comfortable with. I think that could go under your second point.
    Ethan

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  8. Great post. Very well written and the points you covered spot on. I think sex parties are great and you can meet great guys there. But some guys can be real assholes. I did a similar post on sex party etiquette a few years back. Want to read it? Here you go? http://dlconfessionssequel.com/2010/05/05/immanuels-sex-party-etiquette-1-0/

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  9. Hi, I greatly appreciate your journal's candor, wit and insight. Do you have any advice for a girl who dreams of sex with men desperate to fuck each other? I fear I am unwanted at group sex events for gay men (duh). I've had tolerably fun 3-5somes with all straight men, but what actually turns me on is men enjoying sex with each other, not just with me. Are bi mmf group sex events a thing? If I were to try hosting myself, how might I find and invite men, if any would even be interested? Any thoughts?

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  10. Great advice. Take the tips here and take the plunge. Group sex can be absolutely liberating.

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  11. Great post. Many thanks. I am certainly one who has been reluctant to engage in parties and this post has helped me quite a bit. Now I need to be invited!

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  12. Maybe a word or two about pacing for btms and tops. Don't come right away unless you're a multiple cumber. Take breaks. Stay hydrated. Don't consume too much of anything that my impair your performance or judgement.

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  13. Rob,
    I always enjoy reading your guidelines because you are a true gentleman and you give great advice to everybody. I always love that about you my friend. You are an amazing man and don't ever change.We love you all man.

    Yves

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