Thursday, May 27, 2010

Good sex

I don’t like to badmouth guys I hook up with. It’s not fair, for one thing. I’ve created a forum for my own self-expression, and it’s entirely one-sided. There’s space for comments, of course, but those don’t exactly provide a chance for equal rebuttal.

For another thing, trash-talking someone isn’t nice. It may be enjoyable for some. Recently I discontinued reading and following an online journal that took a turn for the worse when the author began picking on people just to ‘put them in their place,’ which apparently was anywhere below where he felt he stood. It’s not enjoyable for me either to write or read. There’s already so much negativity to be had in the world, particularly on the internet. I don’t care to contribute to its sodden weight.

This sorry little prelude is not leading up to a great big But. Or a leery However, I’ll have you know. It’s simply the mental reaction I had when I sat down to write up my encounter yesterday.

In the afternoon, Wednesday, I had a guy over I’ve met before. He’s appeared in the pages of this very blog. And the sex was . . . well, good. No, really. It was good. I came. How could it not be good?

The guy showed up when he said he would. We kissed for thirty seconds. He sucked me for almost precisely one minute. He dropped his pants and climbed up on the bed and buried his face in the mattress like a good boy, and I entered him from behind and fucked him. He groaned a lot. I told him how good his ass felt and what a good fuck he was, and meant every word. Then he shot all over the bed, and asked me to come quickly. I obliged, we cleaned up, and we went on his merry way to work. The total time elapsed was maybe fifteen minutes. A little perfunctory, but nothing to complain about.

Both of us left the encounter with cleared heads and drained ball sacs. Nothing to complain about there, right?

It’s just that when I sat down this morning to think of how to frame the encounter, none of the ways I wanted to describe it came out right. If I tried to make it sound as if it had been the best sex of my year so far, I’d be a liar. It wasn’t. I couldn’t frame it as a passionate moment between us, because passion simply wasn’t a part of it. I couldn’t make it more erotic than it was, or more meaningful than it had been. I couldn’t even go into a lot of juicy detail about the hydraulics of it, because it had been so simple: kiss, suck, insert tab A into slot B.

It just seemed that every way I thought of writing it up sounded in my head like I was damning it with the faintest of praise, and the thought of that sent me into paroxysms of guilt. Even now I feel vaguely foolish. Oh god, we only had good sex. I’m sooooo sorry it wasn’t better!

I suppose if anything, the encounter reminded me how much truly great sex I have. I’m lucky to meet some amazing people and enjoy some truly remarkable encounters. I’m fortunate to be receptive to connecting, on a certain emotional level, with a lot of people who appeal to me. I’m glad I have the capacity to appreciate the tenderness that men often show me, and to return it (I hope) in kind.

Yesterday was good sex. I’d do it again.

But it wasn’t amazing, and you know what? That’s perfectly fine.

19 comments:

  1. Just think... if all sex was AMAZING,then the AMAZING sex wouold turn into just good sex, so good sex is fine, I'll take it as long as I get AMAZING sex thrown in as well!

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  2. Evan, you're so right. And you know, when I have bad sex, it's usually so horribly bad that it counterbalances the amazing sex pretty well.

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  3. Don't you get the feeling that a lot of guys who are bad in bed don't really know what good sex is?

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  4. Fella,

    I get that impression with some. And I get the impression from the guys who respond with such wild enthusiasm to me that it doesn't happen very often for them. It's a pity.

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  5. Well, that doesn't surprise me, given the lack of skill I've encountered on the bottom and top bunks alike, over the years.

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  6. It sounds like what was missing was the mental connection. You had a good physical connection, but what always seems to make the difference between good and great (for me, anyhow) is the tenderness or affection - or at least unbridled and openly-expressed lust.

    One of the things that keeps me from hooking up more than I do these days is that around here (I live in Chicago) there seems to be a growing tendency to avoid *any* sort of emotional connection during a hook-up - even the most basic expression of friendliness. Show up, fuck, leave. Total elapsed time: 15 minutes or less.

    Feh.

    For me, that's not worth the bother. If I wanted to have sex with a machine, I'd buy one.

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  7. Anonymous,

    I know you're right. There was no mental connection. Friendliness, sure. Amiability, yeah. But if that mental connection isn't there, it's not going to be great, even if the sex is nominally satisfying.

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  8. Wow, Rob. That's a pretty subversive sentiment for a community that Armistead Maupin once exhorted to celebrate its status as sexual buccaneers, or some such, because we had no legitimate rights to share our happiness with another man.

    Then again, Maupin himself is a serial monogamist, so maybe not so much.

    As you know from our private e-mails, I think you are absolutely right. But I think that may be an epiphany that comes to many gay men (like me) only after lots and lots of recreational sex. And that's OK, too.

    There's a great lyric in a song called "Repent" in one of my favorite Broadway musicals, sung by a religious zealot, referencing getting a call from God to turn away from her sins:

    "I'm so glad I didn't hear it/Until I did it all!"

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  9. John, I'll take "On the Twentieth Century" for 500!

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  10. It's all relative. I remember a roommate remarking, "The worst piece of ass I ever had was magnificent." If you're able to hook up, be grateful. If you're able to hook up regularly, be even more grateful. You could be straight, married, and...shut off.

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  11. Anonymous,

    You're quite right. We should all be grateful for what good fortunes we have. That's why I took this opportunity to reflect on how lucky I am in a lot of respects. It can always be worse. Thanks for the reminder!

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  12. Sorry Mr. Steed to invade your blog with an unrelated question...but because you are followed by many I wanted to throw this to your readers (or yourself if you know)...anyone know why Matt and Dan's blog is now invite only? Now, in reference to this entry, not much I can add to what has been stated. Fondly, your follower from bbrt in Pittsburgh.

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  13. Anonymous,

    My understanding was that Matt and Dan had been hacked and that some threatening messages had been posted. I'm sure they'll be back when it's sorted out.

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  14. Great blog you have here. Written with such heart and intelligence. I recently stopeed reading the blog of someone too because his ego seemed to be as large as the deficit. I wonder if it's the same 'man'?
    You're a bit of a handsome bastard, aren't you?! I want to go on the record for saying that you have really nice hands and a great smile.

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  15. Anonymous,

    I will take all the compliments I can get. Thank you very much for yours. Hearing I have heart meant the most.

    As for the blogger...I couldn't say for sure, but yours doesn't sound like a rewarding read either.

    I hope you keep coming back!

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  16. Totally agree with you about not bad mouthing guys and being wary of guys who do. I just don't want that kind of energy in my life.

    There are times when I'm basically dissatisfied with a hookup, and on those occasions I am usually quick to find some way to shoulder most of the responsibility for it. I understand that's probably not realistic--what can I tell you.

    And at such times, driving home afterward, or while putting the spread back on the bed and cleaning up whatever toys we used and I'll be really pissed at myself.

    And the voices in my head are telling me "fuckin' jerk...look at the time you wasted....drove 25 miles....damn gas at $4 gallon...AND you wasted a fuckin' load...."

    It's that last point that gnaws at me the most.

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  17. Roswell Top,

    I hear you. I'm always the first to blame myself, too. In my head, I am always the source of everything bad that happens.

    As for the wasted load...I don't know about that one. My balls refill on their own in a few minutes. I sure wish my gas tank did that.

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  18. OMG! You recognized that lyric? Amazing!!!!

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  19. I agree that it seems the great sex is had only when there is a mental/emotional connection. And that you have to have a 'baseline' to know when it's great or horrible or just meat-and-potatoes?
    JPinPDX

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