Ranting: Exceptions

Whenever I create an online profile at a hookup site, I’m always cautious to warn guys that I don’t fit into any of the traditional gay types. I might be lean, but I’m not muscled enough to fit the ideal of athletic. I’m forty-six, but not silver-haired enough and too young-looking to fit most people’s idea of daddy. I’m not a twink, I’m not a partier, not a leather man, not a cowboy, not an Indian or construction worker. I’m bearded, but too skinny and hairless otherwise for most bears to go for me, much as I love them.

I’m fine with falling between the cracks when it comes to type, though often it feels as if I’m apologizing to guys when they contact me. I’m not built like you, I feel obliged to warn the muscular guys with the model-quality bodies. Or, You’ve seen my face pics, right? I’ll ask the beautiful. When the bears start to grrrr and woof! at me, I feel as if I need to warn them that my body’s pink and smooth beneath the clothing.

Everyone wants what they want. I get that. But it’s always seemed to me as if the guys who categorize men into types don’t want those of us who ooze outside the clear coloring lines. Men who invest a lot of time and money into A&F shirts and baseball caps don’t usually seem to want someone who scorns the logos. Leathermen don’t often want to pick up someone who doesn’t own any gear. Bears, for all their talk about being dismissive of traditional gay stereotypes, have become a traditional gay stereotype who tend to ignore guys who don’t look like carbon copies of the burly bear blueprint.

It’s always seemed to me that a lot of men want men who are exactly like themselves, only two degrees hotter. And it’s for that reason that I spend too much time online warning guys what I’m not.

Of course there are plenty of men who will go to great lengths to explain in their profiles what they don’t want. No fats. No fems. No one over 30, over 35, over 40. 35+ ONLY. No one old enuf 2 b my dad lol. You must be fit. No one over 200 pounds. No blacks (sorry it’s just a preference). Brothas only no whites!!! No poz. Poz only! I have standards!

One of my biggest pet peeves is with gentlemen who structure their profiles so that they read like a list of prohibitions. I, as a type-defying sort, am often approached by this sort of guy for reasons I can't fathom. I’ll receive an email from a kid who’s written that he is interest in men under 35 ONLY, fit ONLY, and who lists himself as a top. Cum fuck me lol! he'll say. Or I’ll be on Adam4Adam and get an email from a black guy who says, pretty explicitly, that under no circumstances is he interested in being with a white man.

Every time I write back and point out that I don’t fit their criterion. I always get the same response: I’m willing to make an exception.

And every time I do, my own reaction is the same: Well thank you very goddamned much, but don’t do me any favors.

People, if you’re going going to devote so much energy in your online profile to excluding guys, don’t be surprised when they react badly to suddenly being propositioned. What you’re telling me, essentially, is that none of the men meeting your rigid standards are online or want to hook up with you, and that out of boredom or horniness, you’ve decided that I’ll do. I'm your Plan B. Or Plan C, even.

I really don’t want to be anyone’s exception any more than I want to be anyone’s pity fuck. For one thing, I don’t have to be either. I’m not desperate, or unattractive, or in need of pity. I do just fine, thanks. If you want to have sex with me, don’t do it with the proviso of you’re not my type, but. . . . or I’m going outside my usual restrictions for you. I’m not going to feel grateful. I’m not even going to take you up on the grudging offer. I’m simply going to say, Thanks, but I see you’re not into guys my age [or height, or weight, or color, or whatever]. Good luck finding what you want.

And then I’ll never reply to you again.

I know, it’s kind of harsh. I could be missing out on some good times. But at the same time, I enjoy having sex with men who are really there, who are in the moment and enjoying themselves. I’m not likely to get that with someone who is lying there thinking, Jeez, I wish this guy were under 30. Or, I’d surely rather be naked with someone who looked different from you. I don't want to be with someone who's slumming.

That might not be what the guy thought to himself as we romped, certainly. But it would be what I’d be projecting on him, and that’d be enough to yank me out of it.

You like what you like. As I said, I get that. I don’t expect all guys to like me.

Just want me for what I am, that’s all I ask. Don’t make me your exception.