Cruising 101: Online Cyber-Bravery

I wrote yesterday’s entry because I receive a lot of questions from guys who keep up with my blog. The regular Ann Landers of hookup etiquette, that’s me.

As simple and natural as meeting guys online is for a lot of us, though, I know quite well that it’s a minefield laden with explosive and scary dangers, for others. But everyone has to start somewhere, right?

One of Breeder’s Readers wrote me this week with this question:

You seem so optimistic, advising that a guy should walk up to someone and say, "Can I help you discover your inner bottom?" Why do so many guys resist the suggestion that they be so forward?

As I discussed yesterday, I think it’s perfectly possible to be a successful and popular top without having to be forward at all. Walking up to guys in a bar, or at a cocktail party, or in some beer tent at a Pride celebration, is no easy prospect for a lot of us. In some contexts, it’s easier to be bold than others. In a bathhouse, or perhaps at an adult bookstore, it might be simple to figure out what guys are interested in. At the baths you might see a guy lying in a sling with his ass exposed to the world. You can pretty much guess he’s there to be fucked. That fellow rubbing the bulge in his jeans right in front of a glory hole at the bookstore? You can guess he wants some oral attention. The fellow in the suit sporting a comb-over and a ginormous pair of sunglasses, even indoors? He’s either a conservative gay-baiting televangelist or a local elected representative, looking for a hustler to pee on him. Make sure to take blackmail photos.

Less sexually-charged atmospheres are a little trickier, though. I can make conversation with just about anyone without fear, but even I would balk and turn pale at the prospect of walking up to a stranger and uttering the words, “Can I help you discover your inner bottom?” Yikes. Just couldn’t do it. Which is one of the reasons that online cruising is, for the timid, probably the easiest path to gettin’ some.

Being brave in real life requires a lot of things. Motor coordination, to control your legs as you walk over to the guy and sidle up to him in a suave way, not to mention for your arms to keep yourself from spilling your drink all over his too-tight shirt. Verbal skills, so that you say something smooth and cool instead blurting out the little dream fantasy you had over by the pinball machine about growing old in a log cabin the two of you built together with your own four hands. Approaching someone in the flesh involves being able to keep track of the stuff he’s actually saying so that you don’t end up staring at him and blurting out the non-sequitur, “You smell good.” Then you’ve got to be able to ask the guy to come home with you, which can be terrifying for the novice—and worst of all, you need to be able to remain graceful if he turns you down, instead of sinking into the floor and melting away from shame.

That can all be pretty heady stuff. Online, though, you can do all of those things without leaving the comfort of the toilet from which you’re cruising while you take a dump. (No, wait, you do that too, right? It’s not just me?) You don't have to be forward. You don’t have to be dressed well. You don’t have to have your hair just so. You don’t have to smell of cologne, or to have brushed your teeth.

In other words, if you’re trying to pick someone up on an online adult site, you only have to possess a fraction of the courage it would take in person to accomplish the same thing. If you’re a top, as I mentioned yesterday, all you really have to do is have a few clear photos, an inviting paragraph about what you’re interested in, and to advertise yourself as a top. Your inbox will be flooded by the time the ad is approved. Tops are in demand.

If you’re a bottom, you may find yourself having to track down the fewer numbers of tops and enticing them to you. This is where you can be cyber-brave.

Most sites have a function on them in which you can send some kind of signal of interest with a minimum of investment. On Manhunt, it’s the wink. On Adam4Adam, it’s the smile. On other sites, there might be a local custom that you unlock your private photos, if you have any, to express your interest. In any case, you click a button, and within a moment the target of your interest has a message in his inbox that lets him know you looked at his profile and liked it. If the recipient is someone like me and you haven’t been annoying, he’ll be polite and say, “Hey, thanks for the wink!” Or at least he’ll wink back, if he’s in a hurry (like I am sometimes).

A lot of men on these sites aren’t me, however. Some of them have forbidding profiles that will say something like, ABSOLUTELY NO WINKS. These guys are basically offended that you’re not going to nut up and say hello to them. They’ve got a point, but I don't entirely get the animosity—a friendly hello is a friendly hello, in my book. When you’re being cyber-brave, writing someone a quick note doesn’t take that much more cyber-courage than hitting the wink button. You don’t have to mention that log cabin, or give the guy your life history. You don’t even have to propose sex. Keep it simple, and keep it short. Something like this will do:

I was looking at the profiles of guys in my areas and had to tell you what incredible photos you have. Thanks for sharing!

What man could resist replying to such a nice compliment? If he does, he’s probably a dick and you’re better off without him. If you’re feeling bold, you can try something like this:

Your profile’s amazing and our interests are pretty similar. If you get a chance, check out mine and let me know if you’d be interested in getting together sometime.

It’s to the point. It’s flattering to the guy you’re trying to seduce. If he expresses interest, all you need do is talk about the place and the time. If he ignores you or declines, it might sting for a few minutes, but honestly, have you lost any dignity? Not really. You were polite and gave it a shot. You didn’t say anything that the guy’s going to be snickering at with his bar buddies. All you need do is pick yourself up and move on to the next profile you find attractive. It’s that simple.

Now, there are probably a few things you should not do. I’ll cover a couple.

1) If your profile has no photos, don’t be surprised if you get no response. Even I, polite as I am, rarely respond to profiles that have either no information or no pictures (unless the guy opens with, I have photos to send you if you have an email address to share). Also, don’t be surprised if people block you when your opening salvo is a curt, UNLOCK YOUR OTHER PICS.

2) Don’t be passive-aggressive. If you send a nice note at first and don’t get a response, don’t follow it up five minutes later with one that reads, Hello? and then another every five minutes after that, adding more question marks each time until finally you finish up with a sad sack Well I guess you aren’t interested. As I said yesterday, a lot of the time, some of us (especially popular tops) aren’t really clinging to the browser, waiting for replies. The more emails you send trying to provoke us into a response, quite frankly, the less likely we are to write back. If your emails have a barely-veiled hostile tone that make your lack of sex my fault, like, So are we EVER going to fuck?, my answer is likely to be a hearty no. The moment I can smell someone trying to manipulate me into responding by being downtrodden and trampled-upon is the moment I put someone on my ignore list.

3) Definitely don’t be psycho. If you send someone a quick message of interest and get no response or a polite demurral, please don’t take out your frustrations on the guy by writing back an angry letter venting all your frustrations about not getting laid and the male sex in general. And for the love of god, don’t write out your misery by saying in your profile in all capital letters, WHY ARE ALL THE ONLINE MEN SUCH TOTAL DICKS? You’re not doing anyone any harm but yourself.

4) Don’t hound the poor guy. This is probably my pet peeve with a lot of men on cruising sites. There are certain guys I know, if I see them online, will immediately message me with something like, Are you free now?? Being persistent is one thing, and can be accomplished without badgering. Mail the guy with something like, Hey, nice to see you again. I hope you’ve been having a great week. If he’s searching and interested, he’ll write back. Don’t drive him offline with an immediate and unrelenting So can we fuck today??? (And trust me, you can run guys offline that way . . . or force them to put you on their ignore lists.)

If you’re considerate, have an ounce or two of human decency, employ what sense of humor you have, and don’t try to project a persona online that’s not your own, you will eventually be successful. Not every time. Not every day. But you will be successful in hooking up. You need not have the body of a Greek god. I mean, jeez, look at me. You need not have an enormous dick, or the most experienced hole, or a perfect face, or a cute accent. Being genuine, and cyber-brave (which we established is much easier than being brave in person, remember), and avoiding the pitfalls of whininess, passive-aggression, and just plain freakazoid behavior will win you fans. Myself included.

Heck, in fact, try out your cyber-bravery skills on one of my profiles, if you need the practice. Just make sure to have at least one dirty photo. The Breeder likes his eye candy.