Sunday Morning Questions: Asshole Edition

It seemed rather ironic to me that Thursday morning I posted a mild rant about schoolmarms looking to chastise others on online hookup sites, and Thursday night I had two run-ins with people looking to chew me out about imagined slights.

The first was a guy I'd ceased talking to on one site. He annoyed me. When we'd originally spoken, he asked if I ever visited a certain small city in Canada. I informed him that although I'd been through the city on the way to Toronto or other destinations, I've never visited his home town. He asked if I had plans to visit. I said no. He asked if I wanted to come visit that weekend. I said no. Somehow in his head, he managed to turn this exchange into a promise to visit that I never made. And he'd badger me about it, time after time, until finally I stopped responding altogether.

Well, Thursday he sent me a note that read, We used to talk and you promised you'd visit me and then you stopped talking to me, I guess I can forgive you for being an asshole if you give me a good fuck LOL. Well, not being in a particularly LOLly mood, I snapped back, You've got your passive-aggressive patter down to a science. Nice work! I waited for him to read it. Then I blocked him.

Maybe I am an asshole, at that.

The other guy was a little more mystifying. I was working on my laptop downstairs when I'd exchanged a couple of messages with the guy on Manhunt. Then I logged out, shut down my applications, went upstairs, and got into bed with my iPad and logged back into Manhunt again. I'd only been gone two minutes, but in my absence this fellow had written me a long rant about how he hated when he talked to guys and then they LOG OUT and DISAPPEAR and if I wasn't INTERESTED why didn't I just TELL HIM SO instead of being such A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

I wrote him back with a mild, I was merely switching computers. I was logged off for two minutes. I'm sorry you feel that way.


You'd think I might get an 'oops!' or an apology, but the guy instead told me he was drunk and probably shouldn't have said what he said, but it sure did feel like I was being an asshole to him and in the future, I should tell him exactly how long I was going to be on and that I was switching computers because otherwise he was going to keep thinking I was A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

And you know, an apology like that isn't really an apology. So I blocked that guy too--and it's a shame, because if he hadn't been drunk and abusive, he might've been a nice guy.

There are lessons here. One is that I have a relatively long breaking point, but a longer ignore list. The other is that we could all stand to be a little more civil with each other. Unless, of course, you don't care what the other person thinks of you any longer.

As with every Sunday, today I'll be recapping most questions my readers have asked me on formspring.me. If you've got questions for me, you can always use the anonymous posting service to shoot them my way. Or, of course, you can email me and I'll get back to you. Eventually. But I will get back to you.



Do you smoke? Or have you smoked? Would you mind your sex partners to smoke? How about tasting the smoke breath on them when you kiss them? Have you ever noticed that heavy smokers have a certain smoke smell on there body all the time, even their sweat!?!
Calm down there, partner!

I don't smoke, nor have I ever smoked. I'm sensitive to smells, so I prefer non-smokers.


You've been sexually active 34 years? Damn, you're a professional. At what age was your first fuck?
I'm 46. You can do the math!


Have you ever paid someone to have sex with? Would you?
I have never paid for sex, though I've been paid.

Would I? I don't get a thrill from the transaction and I haven't reached a stage of decrepitude in which it'd be a necessity, so it's unlikely—though I can think of a couple of exceptions in which I'd fork over some dough for a chance to be with someone I really had the hots for.


If I make a road trip up to Connecticut when I return from deployment next year, would you breed me?
Yes.


If you're sleeping alone, what do you wear?
I sleep in the nude.


Who's the most famous person you've met?
I've known several prominent office-holding politicians, but that's not usually what people mean when they say 'famous people.'

Probably the most famous person I've met is the famous, highly-regarded deadpan host of a late-night satire show. And by 'met', I mean 'sat next to him for two semesters in class while he quietly snoozed' during college. I've also met a Pulitzer-prize-winning playwright, an Oscar-nominated singer/songwriter, and a television host. In the last case, I don't mean 'met' so much as 'fucked.'


What does you voice sound like?
I talk baritone. I sing tenor. I used to have a pronounced Southern accent, but years in the midwest have erased it. Many people have commented on how they like the sound of my voice, but I can't stand hearing it, except when I sing. Even then I'm hypercritical of it.


Spit or swallow?
Swallow.


How many and what kind of sex toys do you own?
I own approximately 10-15 different cock rings, two butt plugs of different sizes, a 12-inch double-headed dildo, a riding crop, tit clamps, suction cups for the nipples, and a Fleshjack that a kind reader and friend gave me.


What is the shortest time from first contact with a guy to cumming in his ass? What's average? How about longest?
By 'first contact' I'm assuming you mean meeting in the flesh and stripping down with the purpose to screw. And by 'cumming in his ass,' I am assuming you mean for the first time, since usually I like to go more than once. I'm measuring from the time the pants hit the floor, here.

1. The shortest: About five minutes.
2. Average: About a half hour to forty-five minutes.
3. The longest: Three and a half hours, more or less.


how many guys a week do you usually fuck?
It depends on the week, and the amount of time I'm putting into work or on my house. Sometimes four or five . . . if I do the baths or go to a group party, it can be many more than that.

Sometimes I'll have a slow week and only fuck one or two.


Would you top a guy who wanted it wrapped?
I wouldn't top him wrapped, no.


Would you do a MMF threeway?
I often have!


How apprehensive were you about your first sexual experience? What made you finally go for it?
By the time I had my first sexual experience, I'd already witnessed guys having sex for about a year, so I knew what the mechanics of it were--that gave me a boost of confidence and allowed me to fake my way through most of what was happening.

At the same time, though, I was scared shitless when it began to happen. I ended up going through with it and enjoying it because it was with someone I hero-worshipped and trusted. I'm glad it happened that way.