Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Forty Lies

Gentlemen. You know how it is. You're aroused. You're a little moist. You're rarin' to go. And those little white lies start to pop out of your mouth, so you can get down to business—or enhance the business that's already happening.

These days I try to keep the untruths to a zero-level base line. They're tough to keep track of, and I'm at a point in my life in which I no longer care to maintain the energy necessary to keep them going. In the past, though . . . I wasn't as scrupulous.

So below are forty lies I've told at some point in my thirty-four year sexual career, of none of which I am especially proud.
1. Of course I'm single.
2. I've only done this like, once or twice before, with a college buddy. You?
3. Underwear is for sissies. I usually go commando.
4. Sure, I live by myself.
5. It hurts a little the first time, but after a while you'll get into it.
6. No, I'm really good with phone numbers. I'll remember yours.
7. Yeah, I'm over eighteen! [Note: Sadly, I don't have to use this one any longer.]
8. I've never been touched down there.
9. Nobody ever comes in this restroom. Don't worry.
10. Sorry, I don't have a place we can go, so it's either here and now or nothing.
11. Gosh, I don't know, nobody's ever paid me before.
12. God, I haven't been with another guy in . . . five years? Six?
13. I've only been topped a couple of times. . . I'm pretty tight, okay? [Note: This was long, long ago.]
14. Wow, I've never seen gay porn before!
15. Just another inch and that's it, I swear.
16. I've never done it in a restroom/park/car before . . . is it safe?
17. Yeah it kinda looks big but I've never met a guy who couldn't handle it.
18. Yeah, I'm a divorced guy, too.
19. Oh yeah, I always eat my own!
20. No, you're not dirty at all.
21. Sorry, I don't do any of that fag stuff, but I guess it's okay if you keep sucking.
22. Weird, I'm just getting out of a long-term relationship myself. It's hard to find nice guys, isn't it?
23. Seriously, I can't take one that big!
24. Just the tip, honest.
25. Yeah, I'm totally hard and naked right now. Want to come over?
26. No, this is my first time here. What kind of stuff goes on?
27. No, that doesn't turn me off at all!
28. You have a great mouth.
29. I've never seen a prettier ass.
30. Sure, I've done that before. You interested?
31. Man, you must be the best fuck in town.
32. Fuck yeah, I'd love to see you again.
33. I only want to look at it. I won't do anything else, I swear.
34. God, no, I don't think anyone would ever guess you like guys!
35. Just make it fast, okay? My kid's napping upstairs.
36. It's just weird, I've never felt this way about a guy before.
37. No, you're not heavy at all.
38. Your breath is fine, honest.
39. No, I didn't come in you.
40. Damn, you're hot.
Your turn. What lies have you told either to have sex with a guy, or to keep them coming back for more? Post anonymously if you'd rather keep them confidential.

49 comments:

  1. No, I never had any STD...

    ReplyDelete
  2. 1) No, your cock isn't small.

    2) You are paying for our time together, I WANT to have sex with you.

    3) I would do you for free.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Evan, I'd be totally okay with you telling me all three of those lies.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Great list. Of course I've never said any one of those before. *cough* *cough*

    ReplyDelete
  5. #35 would've made me cum on the spot if i were that guy

    ReplyDelete
  6. GH Fan,

    No, of course not. *ahem*

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous 2:

    I think it did for him, too, though my intention was more to get him out quickly.

    ReplyDelete
  8. my #1 lie i told guys: I lost my virginity at a very young age. Sometimes, it turns guys off but MOST of the time, they get really turned on and wanna hear more about it. usually ended with some very intense fuck. or some really intense orgasms. weird huh?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous 3,

    Not really so weird. When guys find out I was popped at a young age, they go nuts, too. It's one of those things that guys don't like to admit they're turned on hearing about.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Are you married then? To a man or woman?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous 4,

    I'm a bi married guy.

    ReplyDelete
  12. My favourite lie is that I've never actually acted on my desires for other men. It works really well. I'm starting to believe it myself.

    ReplyDelete
  13. And how do guys respond to that one, 8th?

    ReplyDelete
  14. My favorites: 5, 15, and 17.

    When did you use 27 and 39?

    Can't think of any lies in terms of trying to get sex. Then again, I'm thus far not the initiator so I don't need to lie to get it. I've been told lies and exaggerations though.

    ReplyDelete
  15. It's extremely effective. The appeal of a wayward straight man's dick is too hard for most to resist.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Nick,

    I've had to use #27 on a couple of occasions when I've undressed a guy and found him in women's panties and underwear. Just really not my thing, and a bit of a turn-off, for some reason.

    And as for #39, it was a few times years ago when I'd promised a guy I wouldn't shoot in him, and did anyway. These days, guys pretty much know I'm going to shoot in them.

    ReplyDelete
  17. 8thDivision--

    That's pretty much what I figured. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Sign me up for 7, 10, 16, 19, 20, 27, and 40. (At least.)

    @Nick: It's not necessarily lying "to get sex"; sometimes you just tell 'em what they want to hear. It's essentially marketing - targeting your demographic, y'know?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Throb, you would've enjoyed watching me go back and forth between your numbers and my list.

    And yes. It's totally marketing!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Ahh...smooth talking. I suck at that; I've tried it on a few occasions, but my delivery kills it in a bad way each time. If I like your eyes, I'll show it by peering into them and kissing them.

    I'm best at just saying what honestly strikes me, non-verbal communication (including following instructions), and moaning. I won't say "Harder, harder!"; I'll moan so that my top knows it's time to ramp it up a bit.

    I don't know whether I'm good at smooth talking with moans yet. I may need to see Meg Ryan's scene a few times and practice.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Is 5 a lie? I guess because of the phrase 'a little'.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Anonymous,

    The words 'a little' definitely make it a lie, for most. (Though some virgins I've fucked have taken it with a shrug and a, "I thought it would hurt a lot more!")

    ReplyDelete
  23. ''No of course I don't have HIV, are you nuts?''

    ReplyDelete
  24. What a great list - funny and sexy - each one suggested an entire story.
    As for my little lies to get sex? - well, do they have to have worked to be included on the list?

    ReplyDelete
  25. Mark, if you're going to tease me with the prospect of lies that didn't work, you know I'm going to want to know what they were. Tease.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Wow, the other anonymous said implictly that he actually seroconverted someone and lied?! Isn't that not a crime?

    ReplyDelete
  27. Anonymous,

    There's a difference between a poz guy fucking someone and shooting inside them, and a poz guy seroconverting someone. The second can require the first, but the first doesn't always lead to the second.

    In some states and countries, a man aware that he is HIV+ who fucks another without disclosing his status is illegal, yes. But not in all.

    ReplyDelete
  28. my virginity, I'd always lie about my virginity in high school. men crazy at the thought that they were the first cock in me.

    also my age. I have always looked older than I actually was, so I would never correct the men I whored myself out to until about half way through our fuck session and as soon as I divulged my jailbait status they'd completly loose it and shoot instantaneously.

    god I miss being an underaged slut

    ReplyDelete
  29. Venicebttm,

    My entry tomorrow is on this very subject. I also used to pull the same jailbait revelation thing, too. Most of them knew it, but they sure liked it confirmed mid-fuck.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Mostly, I pretend I believe the lie when people tell me one.

    ReplyDelete
  31. ...speaking of liars.

    ReplyDelete
  32. You don't usually go commando? Huh.

    But it does remind me of my favorite story about a lie I told:

    I was about 25 and finally getting comfortable with the fact that I was attracted to men. A tall, butch, beefy Latin man was all over me in the bar, grabbing hold of me, kissing me roughly, and growling in my ear. He said that he wanted to use me like crazy, and I told him that I didn't get fucked very often.

    (That isn't the lie. Though it would be nowadays.)

    He said that he could make it all work just fine, and I went home with him.

    I helped him out of his much-too-tight T-shirt and started going at his beefy but not muscle-head chest. I played with his nipples (I fucking love nipples) and soon he was moaning.

    I took his pants off, and discovered that he was fully hard, and not quite two inches.

    Now I'm not a size queen, anything in the non-shocking range (say 5-9) is just fine with me. But two inches is shocking.

    Mentally I decided that he was super hot, I was there, we were naked, I'd figure out a way to make it work. So I went back to his nips and rubbed his ass.

    Then, in a deep baritone voice he forcefully barked out: "Suck my big fat cock, boy."

    The first thing that went through my head was "Is he talking about my cock? I'm not agile enough to suck my own cock."

    My next thought was "Is it in a drawer."

    I decided to pretend he didn't say that, I didn't want to encourage attention-drawing to size issues.

    But then, even louder he growled "Suck my big fat MAN-cock", in a tone that if he had been even 5 inches would have been a turn on, but which actually was close to making me laugh out loud.

    So THEN, I had to tell my lie:

    "It is a real turn off when guys talk during sex..."

    ReplyDelete
  33. Saab,

    Never have I laughed so loud at any comment before. I got to the "Is it in a drawer?" part and nearly spewed breakfast cereal all over my laptop. Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Thank you Breeder.

    I got a small dick that night, but I got one of the funniest stories of my life. So it was worth it.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I will call you tomorrow! Sometimes I dont

    ReplyDelete
  36. "I got to the "Is it in a drawer?" part and nearly spewed breakfast cereal all over my laptop. Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious."

    Quoting for truth. Furthermore, beefy chest + nip play = mmhmm.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Agreed, Saab that's pretty fucking funny! My lies: "yeah, I'm neg" and "I was just tested."

    ReplyDelete
  38. RAD,

    Ouch! Poor guys. I know they're disappointed.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Anonymous,

    Thanks for your honesty (here, at least, anyway)!

    ReplyDelete
  40. Where I grew up, being an underaged slut took a lot of effort and usually generated minimal rewards (plus the occasional aggravation when my car wouldn't start).

    ReplyDelete
  41. Rawhide,

    Your car or his? Where'd you grow up?

    ReplyDelete
  42. Grew up in northern Illinois, about 2 hours from Chicago. The cruisy part of town was a 10 block stretch of downtown, and the usual means of cruising was by car. My car was the problem: the starter motor would burn out every 12 months or so, a couple of times when I was ready to go home (having wasted a few hours of my young life repeatedly driving those damned 10 blocks).

    ReplyDelete
  43. Rawhide,

    Oh jeez. For that long a trip, and with that much frustration, I can see why you'd remember it with a little black cloud over your head!

    ReplyDelete
  44. #35 just gave me an instant hard on with a wee of precum...

    "I've never done it bare before!"
    and my personal favorite
    "No, the rest of the guys didn't come at all and I'm so horny.. I don't think I can get fucked though. I'm way too tight"
    (while saying that I had just finished from a fuck-a-thon and had 5loads in me...
    soon i had 6)

    ReplyDelete
  45. Zen,

    I think I could've written down your first lie as well. In fact, I know I could've.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I'm late to the party here. I'm usually brutally honest, but...

    Starting at age 13 the two most common lies have been:
    Only the tip, I swear.
    I won't cum in your [insert orifice here], I promise. Followed by I couldn't help it.

    There later there's:
    It won't hurt, followed by a single thrust balls deep.
    Yeah, let's meet/talk again.
    I haven't sucked dick in a few years.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Late Anonymous,

    A few of those fibs sound kind of familiar, I agree.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Mine would include: (1) "it's okay - I won't expect you to do anything in return," and (2) "no, those "Knight of Love" briefs you gave me really were hot - I DID like them - it's just that I'm busy this weekend..."

    ReplyDelete
  49. Jonking,

    That second lie is miiiiighty specific!

    ReplyDelete