I don't think I've documented my father's complaints about my underwear in this particular forum. My father and I, however, have conversations about certain topics that are, I fear, as bewildering for him as they are for me. About a year and a half ago, on one of my visits, I was stepping out of his bathroom after a shower wearing a towel and a pair of square-cut trunks, when he spotted me in the upstairs hallway and we had the following conversation:
MY FATHER (peering in my direction as he passes by at the top of the stairs): What in the world?
ME (looking around): What?
MY FATHER (wrinkling his nose with disdain): Are you wearing colored underwear?
ME: I believe the accepted term these days is African-American underwear. Or underwear of color, in a more general sense.
MY FATHER: Hah-hah-hah. Why in the world are you wearing such fancy. . . .
ME: Fancy? They're cotton briefs from the Gap.
MY FATHER: . . . expensive . . .
MY FATHER: . . . decadent underwear?
ME: Decadent? Good god, old man. You make it sound as if I’m wearing a mink jockstrap.
MY FATHER: Didn’t you used to wear white cotton briefs?
ME: When I was twelve.
MY FATHER: I’ve always worn white cotton briefs.
ME: That’s fine. I don't.
MY FATHER: Is it a gay . . . bisexual thing?
ME: Yes, it’s a gay bisexual thing. The reason you see so many pairs of colored underwear when you walk into a store is because the gay bisexuals have taken over Fruit of the Loom and have an evil agenda for the entire world of foundation garments.
MY FATHER: What color are those?
ME: Green, with a white stripe. Listen, they’re not. . . .
MY FATHER (incredulous): Green? I would have said they were olive drab.
ME: Jeez, now who’s gay?
MY FATHER (shaking his head): Well, they’re not white, that’s for sure. You can buy a package of white briefs, three for five dollars, at the drug store. Even at a fancy store like Target I bet they don’t cost a lot.
ME: Well, I’m really not a fan of the white brief.
MY FATHER: No, clearly not. You like these fancy . . . decadent . . . .
ME: They’re a pair of green striped trunks. And they weren't expensive. I think I paid four dollars for them.
MY FATHER: Four dollars! For one pair of colored underwear.
ME: That’s a barg. . . .
MY FATHER: For four dollars, you could have gotten a package of three white briefs at the drug store. Where are you going?
ME (stalking away): To get dressed, thank you.
MY FATHER (after watching me go, calling through the slammed bedroom door): Is colored underwear a symptom of a midlife crisis?
Ah yes. I can't wait to see what the week brings.
But let's get to some Formspring.me questions for the week, shall we?
Do you ask about peoples sexual health before having sex with them ?
Yes. Don't you?
How much do you weigh now?
Between 160-165 on any given day. I know that's thin, but I obsess about my weight if I go over that.
Steamworks, in either Chicago or Toronto.
Is the 64 in your web address your birth year?
Yes it is.
What have you eaten off a partner during sex?
I am not really a fan of using food during sex, and blame the movie "9 1/2 Weeks" for making it look fun and glamorous when really it's just messy, sticky, uncomfortable, and a waste of perfectly good edibles. Perhaps I'm just bitter, though, after an incident in which I had honey in my testicle hair for a week after experimenting.
If we perused your sexual "Toy Chest", what would we find?
You'd find a lot of cock rings—rubber, leather, chrome—one small butt plug, one wide butt plug, one double-headed dildo, some snake-bite suction things for nipple play, some clothespins, some nipple clamps with teeth, several mostly-empty tubes of lube, and a Fleshlight a kindly reader gave to me so that I could try it. I might be leaving out some stuff.
Then I have a lot of porn and jock straps, but I keep them elsewhere.
Have you ever given a blow job (or more) to a guy with a PA or any other kind of cock piercing, and if so, did you like it?
The second guy (third? I think it was second) I ever had sex with had a piercing. It both scared and thrilled the fuck out of me. I'll be reposting it this week for your perusal.
Do you think the internet is making it easier or harder to find anonymous hook ups? Sometimes I wonder if we give away too much in profiles. What are your thoughts?
Easier, in general. Before the internet, men had to go either to a cruising spot like a park or men's room, or to a gay bar in order to make an anonymous hookup. Depending on what decade in which one attempted it, both options could be dangerous and end in arrest or embarrassment. At best, one had to contend with the weather and geography. These days, all one has to do is sit at one's computer, indoors, and look at photos and make a choice.
Unfortunately, I believe that many (if not most) men never get around to making a choice. They'll fantasize about sex and talk about it, but never commit to meeting. And that's a shame.
What's your favorite game (sexual or other)?
Hide the Salami would be my favorite sexual game. Carcassonne would be my favorite non-sexual game, though I have a certain childhood fondness for Clue.