Saturday, December 31, 2011

Under the Wire: Last-Minute Gripes of 2011

I like to start each year on a positive, uplifting note. That’s why I thought I’d devote today, the final day of 2011 to a bunch of minor crabbiness that doesn’t deserve more than an oblique mention. And thus we have

The Breeder’s Last-Minute Online Gripes of 2011

1. Hey, 18-year-old kid. Believe it or not, I have a lot of teens hitting me up. A whole lot. More than any other demographic, in fact. So when I log onto a cruising site like Adam4Adam and a boy like you looks at my profile not once, not twice, but four or five times within a ten-minute period, every time I come online, I’m going to assume there’s some interest there.

So when I sent you a smile after the fourth or fifth night you’ve pinged on my track list, it was only because I wanted to say, Hey there, kiddo. I acknowledge that I have noticed you looking at my profile over and over, and if you’d like to talk to me, I’m breaking the ice here.

You could’ve said, Thanks for the smile dude! or, if you didn’t want to take it any further, you could’ve just said nothing.

It was not necessary, however, to write back with Sorry you are WAY TOO OLD! LOL!!!!

Because honestly? I might be old, but you ain’t that cute, you’re definitely a dumbass, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that had been the only smile you’d gotten in 2011.

2. Look here, top men. I’m the last guy on earth to sneer at a little bit of topman bravado. I admit I indulge in it. I also confess that, due to experience, I also have a tendency to assume I can flip just about any guy advertising himself as a top.

My approach, however, really never has included emailing a guy out of the blue and asking, So when do I get to pump my load in your butt? I’ll give you points for the direct approach, and I have to confess that the novelty of it makes me a little bit weak at the knees, but you’d be much more likely to drop the swagger and ask, Hey, guy, any chance that you ever give up your butt?

Unless you’ve really got something to back up that entitlement, I’m unlikely to be swayed.

3. Dear friend (I thought) of mine. Social media is supposed to be fun. Let me repeat. Social media is supposed to be fun. Not an obligation, not a chore, not something that makes you upset and angry.
So when I say to you, in the middle of a conversation about Facebook, Hey, why are we not friends on Facebook?, you are not obligated to add me as a Facebook friend.

I certainly didn’t ask the question to make you feel badly about not having friended me before, so you don’t need to email me and say, Man, I can’t believe I let you guilt me into adding you as a Facebook friend!

Nor, five minutes later, did you have to post on my Facebook wall, I guess you’ve noticed I added you as a Facebook friend—I can’t believe you managed to make me feel bad enough to do it!

And you certainly didn’t have to post on my blog, in less than an hour after that, I’m still shocked that I let you guilt me into adding you as a Facebook friend!

Because you know, frankly, after that triple-whammy, I’m kind of getting a certain impression of how you feel about adding me on Facebook, and it’s not all warm fuzzies. Am I right?

So god damn, if clicking Add Friend on my profile is too much of a fucking imposition on your time and good will and takes away from your several hundred other Facebook friends you’ve never met but whom you added as friends because they have round faces covered with fur, do me a fucking favor and unfriend me already, would you?

4. Ahoy there, guys on Skype! Nice to have your on my friends list. However, could you guys do me a favor and not badger me to do a cam show for you? It’s okay to message me and ask if I can get on cam. I don’t mind it—the first time. But when I say something polite (and I’m always polite . . . the first time) like, I’m sorry, I can’t cam right now, take me at face value, would you?

I don’t like the follow-ups you guys throw at me, which always run like:

Are you sure?
Not even for a quick minute?
Come on, just turn on the camera.
I just want to see you. Are you sure you can’t cam?
Why not?
I’ll turn on my cam if you turn on yours, okay?

Dude. If I can’t cam, I can’t cam. Wheedling doesn't change my circumstances at home. And if you keep nagging me, I’m not going to cam for you. Not ever, after I block your ass.

5. Gentle readers. I understand that a handful of you experience infatuations with me. I mean, can anyone blame you? I’m awesome.

No, seriously. I know that reading a person’s journal entries is an incredibly intimate thing. I know that some of you, upon discovering my blog, sit down and gulp down dozens of entries at a stretch. Being inside someone’s head for that length of time, and at the intensity level that usually accompanies sex, can sometimes create a connection that seems . . . I don’t know. Confidential. Romantic, even.
Crushes have been formed on a lot less.

You have to keep in mind, though, that while you know a lot about me, or at least about one aspect of my life, I don’t know as much about you. Chances are that you don’t have a sex journal you update on a regular basis, or any kind of journal at all. That’s fine.

Here’s the thing I’ve noticed in the past year, though. When a man catches up on my entries and is past all that information overload and only has a few entries a week to keep up with, that infatuation vanishes pretty quickly. I wish it weren’t true, but over and over again, experience proves that it is.

So yeah, I’ve had guys hot to meet me while they’re plowing through past entries, who, as soon as they’re done, vanish before I’ve had a chance to return the plowing. I’ve had guys write and announce their massive crushes on me at the conclusion of their extensive catch-up, who never reply when I write back and ask to know more about them. It’s a little disconcerting, receiving these little notes of passion and devotion and never getting to a point of actual conversation with a guy.

So be patient. Pace yourselves. The best way to get to know me is certainly through my blog entries. But let me enjoy the process of learning about you, too, before you abandon me for the next big thing. Otherwise, in the wake of your rush by, I’m just the fool standing by the roadside, murmuring “Huh? Whuh?” as you yell out your speeding car’s window at me.


  1. Happy New Year, Rob. Having you print my photos in Reader's Assets was one of the most life-affirming moments of 2011. Thank you for making me feel valued. Have a wonderful 2012. "Marky"

  2. A lot of what you said resonated with me. Once guys find out I have a big dick they think I'm obligated to show them and so on...Great post
    Matthew Darringer

  3. Glad I'm an exception to the rule, my friend. After all this time my infatuation (if that's the right word) is undiminished. This year will be the year of meeting of flesh as well as mind. Promise.

  4. Have a Happy New Year's Eve.

    For item #1 I still don't get why an 18yr old would check you out that many times and then send a 'you're to old' message. Did they need to keep looking at your profile to figure that out? It takes all kinds as the saying goes.

  5. Happy new year



  6. Here's to fewer of these happening in 2012!

    Happy New Year, darlin!

  7. Happy New Year Rob,
    Great last post for the year.
    I want to say thank you for being a wonderful friend and for your friendship. Wish you Health and everything that you wish for this year.


  8. Thanks, yet again, for sharing Rob. Among other things, it's nice to have someone erudite and relatively in the public eye who is willing to give voice to the things in our heads. That you do so with such a keen eye for the underlying human condition is a terrific bonus.

    I hope 2012 is your best year so far, and that you continue to run into the other kind of 18 year-olds (and 19, and 20 and....) I look forward to future (and past) revelations.

  9. Decades ago, "The Joy of Gay Sex" included a few ironic paragraphs on a species of bar fly called the Coquette. It paralleled what hets used to call "a prick tease". The Coquette was interested in getting attention, then rejecting it and going home alone, satisfied. Cybercafes make it as easy as ever to be a coquette.

    I believe that those who play the game you sketch have real issues. As children, they began disliking themselves because they felt alienated; they have yet to mature beyond excessive self-doubt, develop reliable self-confidence, or take control of their lives (as you have). They have not made honest decisions about what they want, what they can actually get, or how to go about this. The most manipulative of them consciously delight in attracting and rejecting others; the most self-deceptive simply blame the subculture. While most probably *are* at some twisted level attracted, their self-deprecating side soon takes over, sabotaging others' interest and distancing them. (Is their "inner child" punishing the world by duplicating his torment?) This allows them to feel superior and/or self-sympathetic -- a secret pleasure, I think. Your scorn and my pity are not inappropriate attitudes, as neither excuses the game.

    I wanted to consider what seems a widespread problem, well-identified by you. It may be cold comfort and is clearly no excuse; but I wager that hets play a similar game -- and then some.

    You once observed something like, "It's harder to get down to the good stuff with women." I must agree. But look at "the bright side“: Gay subculture allows us more and better verbal aggression, on the comeback, than hets. We can lob more zingers at Coquettes and other antagonists with less likelihood of being labeled an abuser or a clod. And we can move on to someone more likely to understand our body and share our lust, with less dancing around along the way.

    Another Year, Another Essay,
    Semper Anonymous

  10. happy new years love 18 yr old boy who thinks you arent to old yet... lol hope 2012 gives you a few less things to gripe about other then loose bottoms Love<~Peter~>

  11. Happy New Year from London! I am look forward to spending some of 2012 with you :))

  12. happy new year Rob. My one resolution this year is to take a shot of my backside (or a few) and get you to post them in your reader's asset section! I enjoy reading your posts, and will admit to an infatuation with you as well. You get all my bottom juices flowing. Maybe we will even get to that cabin in the Catskills you told me about sometime this summer!

  13. Nothing actually pisses me off than a cam-badgerer. Is that a term? because it should be. Actually the only thing that comes close is when you do turn your cam on for one another they are showing their crown molding and the top of what you can assume is their forehead. Really? here I am legs spread leaning back pushing a finger into my furry hole for your viewing pleasure and all I get is a receding hairline (nothing against receding hairlines, I WISH i had much of a hairline to recede!) Even better are wank shows who don't show their cock or can't be bothered to position their cam correctly. I repeat, me spray legged like a gyno exam fingering and stroking/them ceiling fan. Sorry that came out more like a rant than not.

    Happy New Year!

    Pakistani pussyboi

  14. I want to apoligize for being such an ass and saying you were to old... Wait a minute what am i thinking that wasn't me i'm fuckin 54!!!But i wouldn't have turned you down when i was 18... Keep up the great writing it' s inspiring as well as hot as hell. Happy New year

  15. I like these gripes--not cuz I like you're suffering, of course, but because even in your complaining you are so freaking true to life. I don't know how you're able to write in a way that makes me immediately connect with you, but you're damn good at it. You know, in my professional opinion.

    Also, that forth one is why I haven't been on Skype in forever. My laptop is six years old now, and the webcam hasn't worked on it for the past three of those years. I make that abundantly clear, but I still would get the "are you sure" thing often enough to make me twinge. Not having money for a webcam or a new laptop (two purchases low on my priorities) I would get accused of lurking and other things. I applaud your patience in staying on Skype.

    Have a happy 2012, sexy.