Thursday, January 19, 2012

Flood

When it slides in, it’s because I push. That impasse where fear and the hole’s muscles conspire pulses, then vanishes. The dick eases in, all at once, disappearing into the lube-slick hole. We both look at each other, wearing identical expressions. Surprise. A trace of amusement. And a whole lot of lust.

“Fuck,” I say, even more astonished than he. I have to drop my head and pick it back up again, I’m so surprised. I repeat, “Fuck!”

“You okay?” he asks.

I nod. Then I have to take a breath. Because this time, for the first time in over a decade, it’s my hole that’s been opened. I’m the one with his butt in the air, looking back over his shoulder. I’m the one who pushed back onto the dick that’s in me now, out of hunger, out of desire. Out of a need to be filled. Not filled. Used. In that split second, the animal in me had overtaken the rational being. I just wanted to be fucked.

Realizing what I’ve done makes me clench down for a moment. Instantly I regret it. “Hold still,” I beg him. “Just . . . hold still for me.”

He lowers himself so that his pecs are against my back. His knees spread my legs. His arms surround me. The only thing between us is a carpet of thick black chest fur. “As long as you need.”

The Friday night before, I’d fucked him for the first time in his life. I’d taken his virginity, savaging it twice. I’d teased him that he was my little cock whore, my slut. My cum bucket. The words had inflamed him, had given him the permission to relax, to loosen up, to ride my dick without inhibition or regret. Afterward, he’d flipped me over and rimmed me royally—and then he’d slipped his dick inside. I’d been equally surprised then that I’d been able to accommodate the man’s dick, which was not much shorter than my own. His thrusting had been too much for me, and I’d been paranoid about my hygiene, since we hadn’t discussed that particular variation in advance. I hadn't prepared for it.

I’d spent all weekend thinking about him, though. The warmth of his cock against my hole. His sweet breath against my neck. The words he told me, as his cock entered me. I’d be sitting in front of the television, with a project in my hands, and all I could think of were Chester’s handsome face, his smooth head shining in the hotel lights, his short frame bulging with muscles, his beefy legs tangled with mine. I’d pause in mid-sentence at home, thinking when I’d shoved my nose into his armpit and inhaled deeply, memorizing his own particular perfume.

Then I’d wake from my daze, try to recall what I’d been saying, and move on.

We’d already made a date to meet again before he had to return home to the midwest. Like a teen girl in a mid-century sitcom I’d fretted all Tuesday morning about my trip into the city to meet him again. I’d showered and put myself through the indignity of an enema (bottoms—again, I appreciate the hard work you do!). I made decisions. Did I want my hair to follow its natural center part, or should I push it to the side? Did I want to wear a hint of cologne? What clothes would show me off best? I’d put on a Nasty Pig jock that one of my readers had sent me as a Christmas gift, then removed it, then put it on again beneath a pair of different underwear.

But there we were now, in his hotel room, where we’d holed up after lunch. I have nowhere to be for hours, and hours. I can end this now, or I can make it last. So I think about it a moment—just for a quick moment. I think about the sensation of him inside me. It doesn’t hurt. He’s now moving back and forth, gently, mere millimeters. It’s not even uncomfortable. I’m afraid to move. I’m half on my stomach, half on my left side, with my right leg drawn slightly up. He’s raising himself, balancing his arms around me.
I breathe. I turn my head. I look at him, his head tilted like a curious bird. It’s been a decade since this last happened to me. More than an entire decade. “Do it,” I tell him, making the decision.

“Yeah?” he asks. “You’re sure?”

“You know this is what bottoms worry we tops do when we’re alone together, don’t you,” I gasp out. I’m stalling, though. We both know it. I nod. It’s okay. “Yeah,” I say. “Fuck me.”

I’m usually so facile with words. I like to be the observer in any situation, but it comes at a cost; to be an observer, one has to be at a very slight remove from the experience. One has to be on the outside, looking in. For this experience, though, there’s no remove. There’s no distancing myself. I’m in the middle of it. I am experience, and I can’t regard myself remotely. I can only feel, and not think.

I’ve no sense of time. I feel like I’m flotsam on the ocean, bobbing and floating in a warm tide. I hear his praises, and respond by arching my back and thrusting backward onto him. I hear him tell me he loves me, and that he loves me doing this special thing for him. When he pounds at me, close to orgasm, the sensations are so amazing that I’m not thinking about hurt any more. We’re as far away from hurt as we can be. I think about the warmth I feel spreading from my hole. I think about the sounds of his raspy breathing, his cursing. I shake as he shoots. I beg him not to pull out.

The second time around he calls me names. He calls me boy. I resent it when he calls me faggot, but I resent even more how automatically my body responds with pleasure at the epithet, opening wide to his invading dick and wanting more of his bad treatment. He pinches my nipples, slaps my ass. He fills me again.

My precum has pooled in the jock. He’s pulled it off, inhaled from it deeply, and stuffed it in my mouth, before shoving himself back in again. My dim eyesight fixes onto the clock-radio by the bed. We’d been at it for over ninety minutes, and I haven’t needed a break, I haven’t asked him to stop. I want it never to end.

The moments are tough to distinguish from one another for a very long time. They’re all sensation, raw and immediate. But there comes a moment late in the game of which I’m not especially proud. It’s when he’s close to his fourth orgasm inside me. I’m actually crying. He’s been thanking me over and over again. I’ve been thanking him. I’m trying to tell him something that seems vital, in that moment—that I knew from time to time I’d craved to be treated the way he was treating me, but that I didn’t know until then what I’d been missing.

“You’re a hot fuck. You don’t know how hot this is for me,” he says. And now he’s crying, too. Two top men, sniveling and sniffing while they fucked. “I just want to make it for you the way you made it for me.”

My mouth is dry. My lips are cracked. My throat is raspy. I want to tell him, as he pounds away at my hole, And I just want to be good for you. But what I say is, “And I just want to be good for something.”

He’s yelling outright, filling the room with the noise of another orgasm. I can barely hear it, though. In my head, I’m replaying that sentence, and listening to the raw admission it contains.

And I’m wondering if in that moment of absolute abandon, I’ve mined my way closer to truth than I ever, ever want to admit.

60 comments:

  1. FUCKING HOT AND WILD, Congrats again buddy

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  2. Dang = hot stuff got my pecker up !!

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  3. Holy shit. That was amazing. I'm going to be replaying this essay for a long time to come, and for so many reasons. Congratulations on your epiphany, Rob. And on the absolutely mind-blowing sex. You deserve it, buddy, and lots more ... although obviously I know you're good for many, many things. Be well. :-)

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    1. I appreciate the several things you said in your comment, John. They mean a lot to me.

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  4. Very powerful and emotional connection! Sex can be so much more than insertion and orgasm, even though that's just fine too. Moments of abandon like this are what's it's really all about. You have re-awakened my desire to bottom again, Rob. But I only want to bottom if it can be like what you just wrote.

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    1. I only want to bottom if it can be like that every time, Hornyfather. I don't blame you. It's tough to find a guy who'll fuck that way, though.

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  5. Congratulations, Babe! I know how difficult that must've been for you, but I'm glad that you thoroughly enjoyed it.

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    1. Joe, thanks for recognizing both the difficulty and the joy of it.

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  6. I'm really glad you had this moment with that man. You'll recall I told you that his first time reminded me of our time together when you took my ass and reminded me what it means to bottom. Well, this post did too. I felt strangely the same way you did for most of the time we were together. I didn't hit the same realization about myself, but I had one. My dear, sweet man...What can I say but congratulations and I am very proud of you--and that I want you to always remember you are good for something, you are good for a lot of things. And your friend Ace will never let you forget it.

    -Ace

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    1. Ace, some realizations are better than others. I never forget my good friend Ace.

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  7. But what I say is, “And I just want to be good for something."
    ---------------------------------------

    That's one powerful sentence and it sounds like thoughts have been swirling around in your head for awhile that even you aren't sure what it all means.

    The same with your last line, sounds like there are changes you want to make in your life but aren't sure yet if it's really what you want.

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  8. Wow, as a dedicated top if I thought it would even come close to this I would bottom tonight. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thrustn, thanks. I know exactly what you're saying.

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  9. The sex is astonishingly hot. Much more interesting (ah, the neutrality of that word!) is what is revealed in the last three paragraphs. Similar things have revealed themselves to me in the last several months accompanied by, shall we say, mixed feelings. Ultimately the insights are accepted, accommodated. I wager that even if we don't hear any more from you here about this man, this sharing, you will be thinking of it a lot, for a long time.

    Your honesty and clarity continue to inspire me, Mr Steed.

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    1. RedPhillip, let's hope I can accommodate and work on some realizations I made here. I'm still feeling sober about it.

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  10. I'm at a loss for words. (ok, clearly not cause I'm continuing to type). I'm so happy for you--that this was such an incredible experience, that you shared it with us. My heart huts a little, too. You are good for so many somethings.

    Much love.

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    1. Richard, thank you for your kindnesses, especially in that last remark.

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  11. Awesome retelling of your bottom experience. A while ago when we exchanged emails, i told you how awesome it is to be a versatile player. I think you now now what i was telling you about. Not that many tops are as good as you just experience. Just an amazing posting.

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    1. JJ, there's all the difference in the world between knowing something intellectually, and finding someone who can do it right.

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  12. What a momentous event for you Rob, and this was with the kind of man who made your experience so transformative. You were both so tender and giving to one another without having to dominate. No wonder you were both weeping - this kind of mutual respectful masculine love making is so powerful. You two merged in ways that are quite rare.

    He must have the same kind of stamina as you also - to be able to reach orgasm 4 times in 90 minutes - my god!! That takes two men whose bodies and beings are so attuned to one another that eros melts you into one merged erotic creature whose boundaries are blurred.

    You are such a fortunate man - and I hope you stay connected to him and have time like this again.
    You used the L word too - these two nights with him must be one of the most significant events of your adult life.

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    1. Jayson, the emotions surrounding this gentleman and our evenings together were and are very intense indeed. I was a little surprised at his stamina; the only person I've known to fuck like that was, well, me.

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  13. So so happy for you and pretty much speachless

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  14. Sometimes I just can't express myself except to say I would like to give you a hug. hal

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    1. A hug would be awesome, Hal. Thank you.

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  15. Congratulations! I'm glad you were able to do this and enjoy it!

    It's clearly a breakthrough... :-)

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    1. Jnk, breakthrough or not, it was still pretty fucking enjoyable. :)

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  16. Amazing what you and Chester have. Surely a flood of cum and...much more.

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    1. Paul, it certainly felt like it, that night. It was good bonding.

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  17. Rob,
    What can i say more, amazing one more time. You surpass yourself everytime my friend. This follow up is just out of this world. Love everything about it and i read that one twice also and i am sure that i will read them both over and over again. All the feelings and the raw sensations are there for us to feel them. I want to thank you for that post, the other one and all the ones that you gave us so far. You deserve all the credits that everybody is giving you.

    Yves

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    1. Yves, you give me the best credit of all. Thank you for your loyalty.

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  18. Rob,

    I read this post at work and got a major boner tenting my pants out from hearing about you bottoming after over 10 years. I hope there are more great bottoming experiences for you in the future. I am hoping that I can become more versatile and become close to how great of a top you are.

    VRPB

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    1. VersRaw,

      I don't know that the evening ignited a big change toward major versatility in my life. But it's nice to know it's an option, right?

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  19. I wondered in the post entitled "cherry" if this was where it was headed. I am very, very happy for you. I have to reiterate what other commenters have already said; you are more than good for something, you are BRILLIANT for something. You deserve, love passion, happiness, compassion and a few more good fucks!

    Cheers

    Jamie

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    1. Thank you, Jamie. I am thankful for all the good words.

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  20. what an incredible moment of honesty, I think that's is what we want, to be good for something, leave a mark, make some difference, and if we are lucky, leave a legacy

    Pakistani pussyboi

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    1. Pussyboi, thank you. I'm glad you understand.

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  21. You initial posting about Chester was fraught with sensitivity and passion. I didn't think you could top it, but you have Rob. What an amazingly intimate portrait you have given us. It makes me long for something like that as well.

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    1. Tom, it's worth longing for, if that means anything. Thank you.

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  22. Welllllll looks like you've been having a very good time :-) LOL I'm hooked up to a heart monitor and the beeps got progressively faster the more turned on I got hahahaha

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    1. Matthew, I hope you didn't short it out! Thank you, friend.

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  23. Rob, that has to be some of the most amazingly intimate writing I've read. Thank you very much for sharing this wonderful episode in your life. I really appreciate it.

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    1. Chris, I really appreciate that compliment. I'm glad to have conveyed some of the intimacy of that evening.

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  24. I can't resist this. I'm going to have to refer to a cheesy movie that I love a lot. I'm assuming you've seen "The Holiday" with Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz? If so, you'll remember that Cameron Diaz has - for whatever reason - frozen off some of her deepest emotions and lost the ability to cry. When she experiences love - and the tears flow for the first time in years - the voice-over cries: "Welcome back!"

    Welcome back, Rob, to a facet of yourself that you've been denied for a long time. And as to the discovery you make at the end, you know that you said out loud what every human being on the face of this planet feels. We all want to be good for something. We all yearn for meaning in the eyes of history - in the eyes of others - in our own eyes. We just don't always want to admit it - and perhaps sometimes even forget that we need that. But it's always there in all of us, recognized or not, bubbling under the surface.

    At a certain level, we all know we are good for many things to many people in many contexts. But the doubts always lurk. And parts of our psyche get pushed aside, or distorted, or misplaced along the way. So welcome back to consciously remembering and reopening. Welcome back to accepting this form of love. Welcome back to reclaiming one more more luminous facet of your amazing self.
    ----jonking

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    1. Jonking,

      I know the sort of feeling to which you allude. Your comment moved me immensely. Thank you for your insight.

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  25. Brilliant piece!
    Matt Darringer

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  26. Sex at it's best is always a personal revelation. Congratulations.

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  27. I can hardly believe you shared Flood with us. Everything else aside, it felt so much more intimate than many of your posts; almost too intimate to comment on publicly, though I'm trying. You're a phenomenal individual, Rob, and our world is richer for the man you've become.

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    1. Kevin, I'm a little surprised I shared it as well. I very nearly did not.

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  28. :-) <3 <3 <3 <3

    atta' boy/man! ;-) *BIG CLAP*
    Wonderfull!
    *slaps his own ass in pure lust of the story*

    Enhorabuena! *hug*

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    1. Esteban, I don't suppose you could send me photos and a movie of your self-ass-slapping, could you?

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  29. Great Post! Very moving. Thanks, Rob.

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