Monday, November 21, 2011

An Anniversary

I wasn't necessarily planning to write about this particular topic, but it's been on my mind all weekend. Better to get it out.

Saturday was the anniversary of the night I met Spencer, last year, in my old home state. We'd spoken online a couple of times before that and I'd kind of written him off as a flaky whore. I didn't mind the whore part. Flaky, however, I only like in pie crusts. But I was horny, and he was available, so I issued the invitation.

I was charmed off my feet by him, that Friday. When he came back the next night, I knew I wanted him in my life. Night after night he came back until our emotions were as inextricably intertwined as the impossible sexual poses in which he'd grip me with his strong dancer's legs. I loved him, and told him so. He loved me, and would whisper the words as we'd drift off to sleep together, curled beneath layers of flannel sheets and blankets and his impossible fortresses of extra pillows, while snow fell to blanket the frozen ground outside.

For months we made love and spent all our free time together. I'd like to romanticize the relationship further and say that it was simple and uncomplicated, but it wasn't—we both knew the time was coming when my house would eventually sell and that we'd part ways. That knowledge is what made the relationship difficult for us both. It made him occasionally snippy and prone to verbal digs, as he tried to separate himself from me before we were too rooted together. It made me morose and prone to guilt and doubt. I worried too much that I was doing the wrong thing by allowing him to love me so deeply.

Despite the complications, we ended the relationship on a loving high note. When my house sold after a year and I finally made plans to reunite with my family, already living on the East coast, I worried that he'd pick some kind of fight on the pretext of it being easier to part from me angry than sad. But no, he was sweet and loving and supportive until the very night before I threw my overnight bags and the cats in the car and left Michigan for good. At a going-away party given me by friends that night, he was there, sitting next to me the entire time. He'd been everything to me, that last year. I had the spouse on my right side and Spencer on the left, and it seemed right.

Sad, but right.

I'd thought this month about the anniversary a couple of times in an idle fashion—it occurred to me that it had been in November of 2010 that we'd met, and that I should check on the date at some point. I didn't do anything about it, though, until last week when Spencer messaged me. We met this month a year ago!he said.

I checked my journal on my computer. November 19th. The best day of 2010 I had, I wrote back.
Saturday he messaged me again. You're one of my favorite people. I still treasure the time we had together . . . especially those long snowed-in days. Then he closed with his love.

Well. I couldn't have asked for anything nicer.

I read it and burst into tears that I had to hide and muffle in the bathroom.

And now that I had to look at the message again to copy it, I'm crying again, though I'm having to pretend I'm not, even as fat tears scald my cheeks.

But you know what? That's okay. I said above that the relationship Spencer and I had wasn't pure and uncomplicated, but I was a damned liar. It really was. No matter what the gap in our ages, no matter that we separated, never mind the stupid arguments we sometimes had or the words we both feared to say out of fear of hurting the other—none of that mattered in the end. For a time, a blissful and wine-sweet time, we were two boys in love. We took delight in each other's bodies, in each other's whims and palates. We saw parting on the horizon from the moment we met, and yet we both threw ourselves into the deep with abandon.

There's not much purer or more uncomplicated than that.


  1. you made me cry dammit!!!

  2. This is beautiful, Mr Steed. I have more I want to say on this, but time is not in my favor this morning. Back later...

  3. Rob,

    That is the sweetest post that i read from you and my heart hurt so bad when i read it, not from pain but from sorrow because that was one of your best time that you had then and i am sure that you are still remembering some of these times you had with him again from time to time. You will always remember him and i am just glad that you talk about him today. I hope that you will find somebody as special as Spencer because you deserve it my friend. Wish you all the best sexy man. You know that i'm a very sensitive person and i had tears in my eyes when i read that but i still thank you for that amazing post.


  4. I LOVE your Spencer stories but they always make me sad my way of thinking, I wish we lived in a world, where you could have had Spencer AND your spouse and family as a permanent and lasting part of your life...
    I'm sure it was more complicated, but I still wish it could've turned out that way...:/

  5. I have already told you everything I can say about how your time with Spencer was beautiful, but I will say it again. Emotions that strong don't come very often and when they do, regardless of the pain, we should honor them and cherish them. I'm so happy you shared those emotions. I'm so happy you were that happy. I hope you will be that happy again.


  6. Rob,
    when I red the second line I had a feeling it was going to make me cry. It did. Wow,how it did! Thanks for sharing with your loyal readers.

  7. This is beautiful, Rob. Take care and hugs. :)

  8. Sometimes time does not heal all wounds as the saying goes. Even if you never see Spencer again, years down the road you will stop for a second and remember what day it is and think back to that time and still have the same feelings.

  9. You tasted love with a wonderful man and became completely vulnerable to, and protective of, each other. The sex was divine because you had merged your two souls, not just your bodies. How many human beings, no matter their orientation, have had this kind of bliss, even as it was slated from the start to have an end point. And maybe that meeting of another soul at some time when we are ourselves in a state of flux makes us more open and ready.

    That has certainly been the case for me and the wonderful younger man I have met, knowing from the outset I had a finite amount of time to be in this part of the world and have the unusual circumstances of weeknights without family.

    You had your special time detached from your wife and son, and Spencer came into your life at just the right time to have extended love making and nights entwined in a way your former life and now Connecticut life did not allow. How wonderful to have had it all Rob - I can completely relate to the tears at it having ended but consider the beauty of it and treasure it.

  10. It's hard - I've been there myself. Chin up - if that's possible.

  11. Some people never experience such joy and pain. The price is worth it.

    I am currently in the early stages of devastation, as the man who I have come to deeply love (aside from my husband) is about to leave me for Australia. I am hiding it inside, though I will let him know before he goes. The time we have had has been a mix of bliss and agony.

    I shall miss him desperately. But I will accept that pain because the only alternative was to have never had him in my life at all.

    Best, Paul

  12. Love, it seems, is never easy--even, or maybe especially, the uncomplicated kind. Somehow, that feels right--as it should be. Love, with its challenges, reminds us we're alive. I think.

  13. Rob, This was a beautiful post! As others have said, Thank you for sharing. I too have to admit that you made me cry - tears of joy for what you and Spencer shared together, and tears of sadness that it had to be so short lived. As always, we, your readers, are so very fortunate for all that you share with us. Best regards and Happy Thanksgiving! Jay

  14. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself sweet man - the love and tenderness the two of you shared is incredibly beautiful. As I read this, I started to tear up as well - not out of sadness, but due to being overwhelmed by the complete and utter unconditional love that emanates whenever you mention Spencer.

    Your relationship with Spencer (and your spouse) is something we all dream of - but not something most of us are willing to risk the pains to have. Bravo to you for being open to it all my friend.


  15. I love your blog and haven't ever had a reason to leave a comment, but this post was incredibly moving. You are so amazing at capturing the bliss and the joy of sex, and here you did that about love as well. As a single guy in the city, the post is encouraging -- great love is out there -- and sad, in that even great love has to end. Thank you for the amazing post!

  16. Thank you all for your comments. I was going to answer them individually, but they started to get me all choked up.

    So thank all of you who commented, for recognizing how special this one guy was to me, and for honoring the relationship we had.

    Love is always out there. It's often a matter of recognizing it when it appears, and accepting it even when it comes with strings and limitations.

  17. you stupid cow now I burst into tears.

    Pakistani pussboi

  18. This was particularly poignant for me to read having been in a situation that while different in many ways had the same gist as far as loving someone knowing that eventually things would inevitably change. Spencer's snippieness and occasional verbal digs reminded me of myself. I never understood my behavior for a very long was very out of character for me, but I think I do now. When the end did come, it was very painful. It took a very long time for it not to be painful. I don't regret it at taught me so much about myself. I matured a great deal. He is still in my life despite a very rocky ending and is one of my closest friends. He has seen me at my worst and at my best and loves me anyway.