Monday, July 26, 2010

Ground Rules

I’m not going to disguise the fact that I hit a rough patch last week.

I made one post before on my Breeder’s Blog that had roused my protective ire when a couple of anonymous commenters began disparaging my sexual partner. Last week, though, a couple of my readers started to insult and provoke me after a simple post I made about having a panic attack during an attempted fucking—one of the lingering aftereffects of my sexual assault, twenty-five years ago. The incident made me feel violated left me angrier than I have been in ages. So angry that it took a couple of days of time away from the computer before the buzzing in my head ceased.

In my comments last week, I responded that I was dismayed I’d ever been honest about my assault at all, given that a couple of people were piping up and saying essentially that rape victims deserve what they get. I said I wished I’d never written about it, and that it seemed unlikely I’d write about it again.

I’ve changed my mind about that resolution. I’m not surprised at my about-face, frankly; when I discover myself resisting something, sometimes I find that instead of digging my heels in the sand, gritting my teeth, and resisting the tug of war, it’s more valuable to follow the direction of the pull. So this week I’m going to be doing nothing but writing about my assault.

No, it probably won’t last all week. Just for a few days. I don’t think I could do it all at once. I’m writing this post for my readers as a warning of sorts, I suppose. On one level, I’d like to warn them all that the incidents covered in the next couple of days aren’t going to be the usual masturbation fodder. I’ll provide more of that once I’m done, of course. But I intend to exorcise a few demons before mid-week.

The other warning I’d like to make is that I’m setting some ground rules for interaction for the next couple of entries. It’s a shame I have to write these down, but recent event tell me it’s necessary.

1) Please be respectful of my experience. By talking about my sexual assault, I’m exposing one of the most vulnerable spots on my underbelly. I’m doing it voluntarily to a largely anonymous group of people. That act takes no little amount of courage on my part. If you come at me in the comments with disrespect—by which I mean insinuating that I asked for it or deserved it, or putting the word rape in quotation marks to imply that its status as a genuine assault is in question, or by mocking what was a fairly traumatic occurrence in my life, your comments will not be posted. I simply won’t respond to them.

2) Please remember that the past is the past. I cannot change what happened. I can’t change my response to it. Telling me the things I should have done are not going to change anything, and I am unlikely to post such comments or respond to them.

3) Please take for granted that I know my assailant was an asshole. Please assume as a baseline that I know you are sorry for what happened to me. It’s not necessary to post to say so. Too much sympathy will embarrass me, frankly, and make me feel as if people are thinking I am writing this series because I’m a hug-seeking attention whore. That’s not my intent at all.

Why am I writing about it, then? Because I know I have a lot of readers who’ve been through similar experiences, and because after my contretemps with commenters last week, I received a lot of sympathetic emails from people who thanked me for my angry responses to those comments and for my voice. I’ve never written out this experience before in full.

So maybe it’s about time, right?

There’ll be more smut soon. Thanks for putting up with my shadow boxing for the next few days. Maybe it’ll be worth it to someone.

32 comments:

  1. Even though you cannot change the past, you can influence the present and the future. I have never been sexually assaulted so I cannot relate to your experience but writing it out can share with us more of what you have had to deal with over these years, assist people like me on warning signs to pick up on, and I believe will be healthier for you. Telling us about it will hopefully lay some demons to rest. Thank you for the blog and for sharing this with me.

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  2. Brilliant idea, Rob. I'll send some good energy in your direction; considering we're in the same time zone 'til Wednesday, it should reach you more quickly. :)

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  3. Rob -- I've been staring at my computer screen hoping that I could come up with something pithy, poignant and profound. No such luck. What I can do is send along tons of bear hugs, tons of positive healing-energy and kudos for your courage to continue sharing with us- the breeder readers that which makes you special to me and others. Be of good cheer and kindness on your journey.

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  4. Rob,

    Your willingness to confront these demons with such transparency is truly inspirational. Having spent countless hours in therapy (in my 20s) primarily to address my own experiences of abuse (physical and sexual), I appreciate any reservations you may have, or HAVE had, in addressing this, especially publicly. I cannot imagine how anyone could have the audacity to submit judgemental comments in response...

    Although it goes without saying, comments such as these clearly reflect that person's limited understanding and experience of sexual trauma so much so that it becomes necessary to post "Ground Rules" if only for your own peace-of-mind which is incredibly generous AND gracious given the impact this had on you.

    I've posted numerous comments to your blog mainly in reference to how your experiences/perspectives parallel my own. I include this simply to reinforce how much I genuinely appreciate the effort it takes to present 'horny fodder' with such depth and intimacy.

    It would be a major, major loss to our blogger world if you were derailed by insensitive fools that lack the intelligence or discipline to create, much less maintain, their own blogging forum.

    Your mate,
    Sir

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  5. To write about something very personal, horribly traumatic is a real act of courage. The internet seems to bring out the COWARDS....those mealy mouthed in real life assholes who would never have the courage to say their shit to your face.

    But boy oh boy are they brave when hiding behind "anonymous" spewing their venom.

    Good for you for standing up for yourself. Good for you for shoving what you want to say right into their no-doubt IMPOTENT faces. And especially good for you for denying those assholes the spotlight which they so desperately crave.

    You are a shining light to me. (Now, now, now don't go getting all embarrassed on me!!!)

    Sign me "Your big fan in Roswell Georgia", and proud to be a redneck !!!!!

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  6. Rob

    Know this I will always be in your corner. You continue to amaze me with the depth of your character. As I am completely flawed ,I am impressed how you take lemons and make lemonade. I am frankly not looking forward to this week. But I welcome knowing about you completely. Most of all I love you my friend. I will be here for you.

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  7. As a rape victim myself now over 23 years ago I applaud your decision to talk about this issue, deal with your demons and include us, your very privilged readers in what is going to be a very raw, emotional experience. You my friend by no means are alone and all I can really say is if you need the support from feloow victims you HAVE mine!

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  8. I don't take rape as a joke or blame game. I was raped six years ago, at the age of 37. I stand 6', weighed 200#, and was fit. The guy who did that to me outweighed me by 60 pounds of muscle. It hurt, it was humiliating, and he did it raw and came in my ass and I ended up on HIV meds for a month as a protective measure.

    I know how hard it is to get over that. A guy tried cutting off my air while fucking me as an erotic thing and I almost killed him in my flashback.

    I regret that anyone made light of or blamed you for the incident in your past.

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  9. Good luck writing it all down!
    Don't EVER care about what others say and critisize.
    You are unique and show a whole lot more of yourself then they've ever have or will.
    Respect!

    Greetings from Spain

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  10. To me, your comments about writing smut and such are an interesting form of modesty. Your intellect and sensitivity were clear to me from the start, remaining the primary reason why I follow your blog. Let me quickly add that you give no one reason for charges of egotism or insincerity -- No one! I am saying only that I enjoy your journal as much for how and why you write it as for what it contains.

    Something tells me that your upcoming disburdenment will be a . . . blockbuster. Until today, I never read the Comment pages, as I felt no need to contribute. Now seems the time, however, to share what one reader with a different (?) view thinks of you and your writing. It is also a good time to admit that I was a tad worried -- until the end -- that @barryearle might seem to win too many points, if you will. The insidious game was his, with board accordingly tilted -- but your final comment was still a bull's eye, perfectly timed! Yes, @barryearle had his valid moments, as you were fair and honest enough to allow. But the fatal flaw in his approach is double-edged: He gave no clinical credentials, and he cannot have followed the protocols/procedures necessary to counsel you. His "analysis" is presumptuous, not professional; and it whispers the manipulative idealism that makes "behavioral health care" neither healthy nor caring, so much of the time.

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  11. Christopher,

    No, thank you. The best I can hope for in the upcoming series is to share a little bit of my perspective on the experience. I can't really offer it as a cautionary tale because I didn't do anything 'wrong' per se. That is, if what I did was wrong, then apparently the right thing to do is to sit at home, never have sex, and masturbate to internet porn. (Which would make a lot of men followers of the righteous path, but it's not really my style!)

    I'm happy to share with you, though. Thank you for understanding.

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  12. Doc_Rob,

    You know I can always use the positive energies. I just wasn't aware they were conscious of time zones!

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  13. Sammy Bear,

    I'll take your hugs over words of wisdom any day. Thank you.

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  14. Sir,

    Your really generous and lovely comments made me feel great. Thank you. I've always looked forward to your contributions here, and I'm glad you spoke up now.

    I appreciate not only your support, but your continued high opinion of me. I'll keep trying to earn it.

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  15. Dear Big Redneck Roswell Fan,

    I'm a fan of yours as well, as you know. I laughed a little at the notion of being a shining light to anyone. Just a little firefly in the dark at best. But I like your faith in me. Thank you very much.

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  16. Johnny,

    Of all the nice compliments you've given me, that was the sweetest. Thank you.

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  17. Charlie,

    Thanks for your support and generous words! I am really grateful.

    Now why have I not seen your blog before? I love Christine Pedi and have seen her in concert twice now. That video was hysterical.

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  18. Anonymous One,

    Jeez, anyone cutting off my air supply would probably turn me into the Hulk. Your reaction doesn't surprise me at all.

    Thanks for reading and for your support. It means a lot to me.

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  19. Estaban, my Spanish friend,

    Thanks for reading! And I'd really like to thank you for your comment and kind words. I appreciate it more than you realize.

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  20. Anonymous Two,

    Thanks for breaking the silence to leave your first comment. I'm grateful for it.

    Modesty is bred into me; it's the hallmark of a Southern gentleman. And I am nothing if not a gentleman. It's reflexive.

    I don't know if the upcoming entries will be a blockbuster, exactly, but I hope they're valuable to the people who care to read them. That would make them worth writing. At this point I'm going to step back from talking about the qualifications or motivations of the people who were making me angry, last week. For one thing, it's a new week, and I'm trying not to regress to last week's anger. For another, I think I've spewed enough negativity on the relevant entry! And finally, sometimes people with genuinely good motivations sometimes say things the wrong way. I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt and hope that the latter is what was happening last week.

    Thanks for your support and for your care. I am humbled by it.

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  21. People are gonna' be jealous and hurtful. Fuck 'em. They need to feel superior, exacerbating someone else's wounds. You're stronger than them.

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  22. Thanks, Jemp. Those are words of wisdom indeed.

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  23. Not sure if my post I submitted a few mins ago accepted or not. But I have been through this, alot more severe in wot happened, and I bottled it up, even to this day. I feel ashamed, and it was over 10 years ago. Getting it out on the table for discussion is the right thing to do. I look forward to reading your blog fella.

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  24. Rob,
    I have just finished reading all of these comments in support of your decision to blog openly about what is without a doubt, one of the worst experiences of your life. It should be clear to you now that you have a readership who not only enjoy your writing talents and your proven ability to weave an erotic tale, but who also care about 'Rob the person'. I find these comments overwhelmingly supportive, so I would like to simply and humbly add my support to that of all of your other readers. I can't help thinking that if today's comments were a meal at Grandma's house in North Georgia, you would be feasting on true Southern comfort food: mac-and-cheese, chicken and dumplin's, sweet potato pie, and sweet tea. Oh, and 'for you git started on your story, pass me some of that nanner puddin' will ya, boy?

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  25. Rob,

    Will here. *HUG* I'm so very sorry that the bastards chose you to fling their crap at. You helped me very much in our dialogue in Comments for 'The Itch'.
    Much love, big guy. Don't let the bastards wear you down!

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  26. Phillip,

    Thanks for understanding, my friend. I wish you internal peace as well!

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  27. RUJ,

    I do have the best readers in the world, largely. They've always been unfailingly supportive, sweet, and funny. Hot, too. You're included in all those.

    I can skip the sweet tea, though. Never could stand that stuff.

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  28. Anonymous III,

    I'm not worn down or crap-covered. I'm largely impervious to both, in the long run.

    Thanks for understanding!

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  29. Sir:

    I was assaulted by gangs of men when I was in the Navy. They were my co-workers. And suddenly they were my tormentors. To be clear, this didn't have anything to do with identity.

    I confounded them, since I didn't respond. I just stopped moving, nearly stopped breathing.

    They thought that was really weird. Because when I saw them do this to other guys (they did it to basically everyone else on the sub) everyone else fought back.

    I just wanted to not be there.

    I will tell you, I won't read your incident. Mine nearly killed me. But honestly, in a weird way it was a good thing. I reported what happened, and got booted out of the military.

    The guys who did this? They got told to "Not let anyone see this" which is just a nice way of saying they didn't care if the sexual hazing kept happening, so long as they did a better job of hiding it from the officers.

    There was an odd bit of Karma (a friend told me what went on after my departure) because the day I left the boat, the first guy with HIV in the Navy reported to my boat.

    Lucky me.

    JustLucky

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  30. Wow ... my best to you all. This probably won't mean much, but I remember when my mother died and so many people "shared" their advice and comments on how I should deal with the trauma. Guess what? How a person deals with those situations is just that ... personal. We're all different people who react in different ways ... just respect those differences and keep quiet!

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