Thursday, October 27, 2011

Hot Off the iPhone

Text messages from the landscaper I've received in the past week.

HIM: what r u wearing toddy
ME: Toddy? Who the fuck is Toddy?
HIM: today lol
ME: Jeans. A dress shirt. Boots.
HIM: you dress really well
ME: I never notice what I put on.

(Note: That's a whopper.)

HIM: so what are you wearing today
ME: Who are you, Michael Kors or something?
HIM: what?
ME: You're always asking me what I'm wearing.
HIM: because I like thinking about you taking it off
HIM: does it turn you on knowing that a straight man cant get his mind off you
HIM: ??
ME: Guys don't really do anything for me. (Note: Another whopper.)
HIM: me neither
HIM: except you 4 some reason

HIM: promise not 2 ask what youre wearing
HIM: but i bet it looks good
HIM: no answer huh
HIM: so does that mean youve got nothing on? lol

HIM: sorry if i bugged u yesterday
ME: I had stuff to do in the city.
HIM: how many times did u fuck ur woman this week
ME: Is that really your business, dude?
HIM: i like thinking about where ur dicks been
HIM: i like thinking about ur dick
HIM: is that queer?
ME: That's pretty much what queer is.

HIM: so have u ever let a guy suck you off
ME: Are you a cocksucker??
HIM: no no no
HIM: never done it
HIM: like never, 4 real
HIM: yours makes me want to
HIM: hope that doesn't sound sick
ME: Guys don't turn me on the same way that chicks do.
HIM: no i totally get that dude
HIM: kinda guess thats one of the things that makes me want it with u
HIM: just a suggestion

HIM: did u think about it?
HIM: i'll give u extra
HIM: it doesnt make us gay if we do it for $$
ME: That's what you think, huh?
HIM: it doesnt
HIM: really

HIM: $100
HIM: extra
HIM: all u gotta do is kick back and let me
ME: What if I don't get hard for a guy that way?
HIM: so u r interested then
HIM: i got x videos on dvd and a portable player
HIM: i even got some of me and the wife, think that could turn u on
ME: I don't know.
HIM: i like that u only do it for $$
HIM: more manly

HIM: did u think about it?
HIM: its just one dude helpin another out
HIM: and giving him a lil gas money lol
ME: I don't know.
HIM: sounds gay but i gotta taste that dick
HIM: all u gotta type is ok and i will be the happiest dude
HIM: if not i promise 2 leave u alone
ME (several hours later): Ok.
HIM: yippee!

HIM: wait yesterday when u said ok did u mean ok i can suck u or ok i should leave u alone?
HIM: im a confused dude!


  1. I don't know whether to laugh or pity the poor guy or both. You certainly know how to string him along. Amazing the rationalizations going on here -- "if I pay, it isn't gay." Wow.

  2. Loki,

    I think it's okay to do a little of both. Even when we laugh, though, I think it's with the recognition that we've all either been where this guy is, at some point in our lives, or we know someone who has. It's tough not to feel empathy for him.

  3. That's awesome man. I don't know how you keep up the pretense!

  4. You are a mean, mean, mean man--I love it. But don;t keep him, or us, squirming for too much longer.

  5. Jack,

    All I have to do is say 'I'm really not into guys' every now and then apparently.

  6. Kevin,

    I'm giving him exactly what he wants, no more, no less. But it is kind of mean, from the perspective of making him beg.

  7. "it doesnt make us gay if we do it for $$..." Is THAT how it works? Give the guy a long hard load deep in his throat and insist that he swallow every drop. And charge him at least $300. He wants you so bad, let him pay the price. "Marky"

  8. I love how fully this man has put himself into his fantasy with you. It does seem almost cruel that he has to beg, but then again, I can tell that he wants this. It wouldn't work for him if he wasn't begging. I just hope the payoff is everything he hopes for. And I hope that money doesn't get spent in one place, young man. Wink, wink.


  9. Mean would be calling him a fag and telling him to bugger off. Stringing him along makes it convincing that he's seducing a "straight" guy and you're perhaps considering it. Though the offer of watching a video of him and his wife leaves me split on whether that part is just a little creepy or not, but that did make me chuckle just a little bit.

  10. Marky,

    The mind will grasp at any justification to explain away what it doesn't want to accept. I think that's the lesson to be learned here.

  11. Ace,

    You're right, he wouldn't be enjoying it if he didn't have to beg and plead and fight for every new activity. It's the only thing that makes it worthwhile for him.

  12. SpikyDave,

    It's interesting that he simply accepts I'm straight simply because I told him I am. It's not that I'm particularly un-butch, but I did know who Michael Kors was. And have you seen my hair? It's totally bi, if not all gay.

    I think he wants to show me the video because he wants me to be excited over him as an erotic object in it—even if he wouldn't be the primary focus for a 'straight' guy's viewing.

  13. Making him beg is NOT mean--if it's what he needs. If you give in, I hope the $$$ and the headtrip are going to be worth the blow job that will be all teeth. However--I'm sure you are willing to take it on for your know we all want you to....

  14. FelchingPisser,

    Yeah, first-time head jobs are not usually a pleasure. I'm hoping a couple of threats of calling it off, if it's not going well, will inspire strides in performance.

  15. Oh, man. FelchingPisser is right about the teeth. I hadn't thought about that. Maybe he will be naturally good at it. I know the first time I sucked cock I only used teeth once or twice. I will hope it is good for you when the time comes. I think calling it off will help, especially if you use a line like, "Come back when you know how to suck a dick for real." That might work.


  16. I don't know your body language of course but I would not have judged your hair style as gay.

    Hipster, maybe, homosexual ... not really :D

    (Sorry, I had too many pain killers. Is bad humour allowed under these circumstances?)

    HIM: i like that u only do it for $$
    HIM: more manly

    No. I am not laughing. At all.

    ME: Guys don't really do anything for me. (Note: Another whopper.)

    You are a such a skilled courtesan. Do you think you can negotiate more than 500 USD out of the client? Remember–you're worth every penny ;)

  17. Rob my dear friend,
    I really enjoy that post a lot man, mean really really enjoy it. Just love the way you tease the man. You are enjoying that a lot and who wouldn't. That man want's you really bad and he will give you any amount of $$ to do it. Hope that you will let him suck you but at a nice cost. Just to tell you that i was boned up real good reading that one. Now i will have to do something about it before going to bed, but i don't mind it. You are always making a good impression on me and you know that sexy man. Thank you for that amazing post.


  18. When It does really happen, take salt Peter or think of dead puppies. Do your best not to get hard.

    An if you do-- don't cum in his mouth. Tell him you can't cum that way.

  19. """HIM: its just one dude helpin another out"""

    That's what all str8 guys say when they want to have sex with another guy. Just like one guy helping another guy move, fix the fence, work on the car engine, sucking his cock, it's all the same guy/guy

    Becareful this one could turn in to a stalker.

  20. Rob, Rob, Rob...

    Ahhhh are a master of timing, in your narrative and your sex. You've lived mate and skillfully use that experience to guide a persistent, yet inexperienced and somewhat 'clumsy' admirer...brilliantly challenging possible presumptions, dismissive of his accolades, minimalist communication...

    read: COCKTEASE

    Yet again, hats off to ya in how you're able to create a authentic dynamic that suits the moment...I maintain that sexually intuitive men like you provide a significant service to MSM in your manner, your willingness to put yourself out there SEXUALLY, a horny mash-up of dirty fuck and intensely passionate...

    U d'man!!!

  21. "And have you seen my hair?"

    I just snorted coffee out my nose.

    Thanks, I needed that :)

  22. This post made me laugh so hard! I really enjoyed this one. Thanks Rob!

  23. HIM: i like thinking about ur dick
    HIM: is that queer?
    ME: That's pretty much what queer is.

    Genuine coffee-through-the-nose guffaw.

    Too freakin' funny.

  24. Countess,

    Totally hipster. Or maybe just lazy. Do you think I might've been a courtesan in another life? That'd be awesome.

  25. Yves,

    For you, nothing but the deepest of discounts from now on. I'll discount it all the way down to free, in fact. :-)

  26. CB,

    I already usually have trouble shooting from a blow job. I'm already a step ahead of the game!

  27. Cyberi4a,

    You've got to wonder where all the straight guys manage to pick up that line. They use it almost universally.

  28. SIR,

    I've never been called a cocktease by anyone I admire more. Thank you, sir.

  29. Bubbinga,

    I have great hair at the moment, thanks to last month's encounter with X. But it's not your typical straight man's 'do!

  30. BlkJack,

    Thank you! I'm glad to lighten your day.

  31. Ms. Inconspicuous,

    I wish my text message tone was a rimshot. Thank you. :)

  32. Oh Süßer, You ARE a courtesan ;)

  33. I guess I'm the only one who wants to see the video of the landscaper and his wife.

    And you must insist that, regardless of price, he must swallow!

  34. Dish! What happened? :D

    You make him sound so innocent that, when reading the "Under the bridge" one, I found myself secretly hoping that when you invited him outside the bar you'd just slam him against the nearest dark alley wall and kiss him deeply.

    I just wanna give the guy a hug. Then a blowjob, then fuck him. But a hug first.

  35. Sounds like he is hooked on your cock...I know I want it!

  36. SteveTM,

    I understand the impulse. I do think he needs a big, sympathetic hug on one level. He is the essence of innocence, in many ways.

  37. VersRAW,

    Come and get it! He definitely wants to be hooked on it, that much is for sure.