Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Nasty Boys

My watch read 10:35. I was five minutes early, but hoped it wouldn’t matter. I can be there at about 10:40, I’d written earlier.

don’t care when you get here, he’d written back. just get the fuck over here now and do me rough, big guy.

The man’s house was expensive—a mid-century ranch in one of the area’s most exclusive neighborhoods. It had enough unique lines and personality to look as if it had been designed by a Name, or at least carefully copied from some distinguished architect’s style. The lawn was more elaborately manicured than the typical golf course; the arrangements of fall flowers surrounding the leaded glass front door could have appeared in a Martha Stewart feature. I didn’t get a chance to admire, however, because the glass rectangles of the door flashed in the sun as the door opened. “Get in here,” a deep voice growled.

My eyes were still sun-blind as I stepped over the threshold. I felt a thick hand cup the back of my head and pull my face to his. A pair of lips surrounded mine, kissing me ferociously. He was a good kisser; his mouth tasted of coffee. “Nice,” I said, when I could breathe again.

The nude man looked exactly like the photos he’d sent me: shaved head, bearded, muscular thighs and arms, and a deep chest covered with a carpet of dark brown fur. As my eyes traveled down the length and bulk of his body, his hands suddenly covered his private parts. “I’m shy,” he whispered, coy and insincere. “Shy about being naked in front of the man who’s going to turn me into his fucking bitch.”

I grinned at that, and kicked off my sneakers. “Oh yeah? That's what I'm gonna do, huh?”

Fuck yeah,” he said, “I can tell you’re a nasty boy. Just like me. FUCK yeah. Two NASTY BOYS. Doing NASTY SHIT together!” His voice was rising in volume with every syllable, until at last he was yelling the words. They reverberated across the cavernous living room, bounced off the glass coffee table and echoed in the elegant kitchen. “NASTY SHIT, MAN! NASTY BOYS DOING WHAT NASTY BOYS DO!”

“Nice,” I said, pulling off my cotton sweater. He had begun to lead me to the bedroom in the house’s back, so I let it drop to the ground. The floor looked cleaner than the sweater itself, honestly. “I like the way you think.”

“You ain’t seen NOTHIN’ YET, FUCKER!” he thundered, hopping onto the bed. “Get those fuckin' pants fuckin' OFF!”

I obliged, unzipping and letting my jeans drop. “This what you wanted?” I asked, brandishing my erection. "Huh? This what you wanted?"

“GOD DAMN! THAT THING IS SO FUCKIN’ BIG!” he yelled, as if I were actually skewering him with it. “GOD DAMN, THE NASTY SHIT YOU ARE GONNA DO TO ME WITH THAT JIZZ-LOADED HOG!” I approached the bed, and he began pulling at his own penis in a frenzy. His tool was not, I noted, very large. In fact, I might even be generous in saying that it was tiny—perhaps all of three and a half inches, erect. But I’m not all that concerned with size, generally, so I didn’t care. I just knew I was turned on. “That’s a FUCKING MONSTER!” he yelled, lunging forward to suck it. Barely did he take the head between his lips than he started to gag. “FUCK! I CAN’T BARELY GET THAT MONSTER MEAT IN MY LITTLE BOY-MOUTH!”

Okay, I thought to myself. It's not quite that big. But I was willing to play along. “Oh, yes you can,” I said, shoving it in. Almost immediately he gagged again, but I kept a firm hold on the back of his head and eased myself in. “Yeah,” I growled. “That’s what you wanted.”

“FUCK!” I released the back of his head and he caromed back, landing on the mattress with a bounce. “You are gonna RIP ME UP when you SHOVE THAT MONSTER FUCKSTICK up my HUNGRY FUCKIN' MANFUCKHOLE!”

“Damn right I am,” I grinned, kicking off my jeans. I only had on a T-shirt and a smile at that point, and pretty soon, only the smile was left. Scarcely had I put a knee on the bed than he flipped over and thrust his ass into the air, grinding his hips to invite me. “Nice,” I hissed. My hands reached for his cheeks. I pulled them apart and let the tip of my tongue tease the hole.

“GOD DAMN!” he yelled, groping in a drawer beside the bed. “I AM SO READY FOR THAT MONSTER COCK! MAKE ME YOUR FUCKIN’ BITCH! NASTY BOYS DOING WHAT NASTY BOYS DO, FUCKERMAN!” He grabbed a bottle of poppers from its depth, then unscrewed it. I whiffed the acrid scent of the liquid within, from several feet away. With my thumb working itself in and out of his butt, I got to my knees again.

It was then, as I positioned myself behind him, that I noticed the painting over the bed. It was of my nasty boy himself—four Warhol-ized portraits in a grid of bright, psychedelic colors of the man posing at work. And when I say work, it was perfectly obvious what he did professionally, and it was one of the most typically stereotypical gay careers there is. Which was fine. I didn’t care what he did for a living. But I was kind of slightly taken aback at the notion that someone would hang a four foot by four foot monster painting of themselves right over their own bed. I had to drag my attention away from it back to his ass, which he still was waggling in the air. “You ready?” I asked.

“FUCK YEAH!” he barked.

I nodded to myself, and then positioned the tip of my cock at the slick hole, and began to slide forward.

“Oh, I don’t get fucked,” he said, in his normal voice. “Sorry.”

It felt like my head was spinning. “What?”

“I don’t get fucked,” he said, quite conversationally, as if we'd been talking about the weather ever since I'd stepped through the door.

I didn’t quite understand. Hadn’t he moments before begged me to make him my bitch? Didn’t he want me to shove my monster fuckstick up his manfuckhole? Which part, exactly, had I misunderstood?

“Yeah, I’d have to have a couple of drinks and know you pretty well to do that. I mean, you can rub it on the outside, or fuck between my legs, or jerk off and cum on my butt, but I don’t take it in the hole.” I was still blinking when he suddenly flipped onto his back and furiously began jerking off again.

His hand flew up and down over his tiny penis as he banged his head repeatedly onto the expensive sheets with the high thread count. “God DAMN you got A BIG DICK, FUCKER! SO! FUCKIN’! BIG! MAKIN’ ME DO NASTY SHIT WITH YOU, I'M A FUCKING NASTY BOY! YEAH! YEAH!” A pillow fell off the bed as his body clenched. The tiniest dribble of semen pulsed from the slit of his dick onto his furry belly, dripping down with all the urgency of name-brand ketchup. “FUCK YEAH!”

I had been motionless and slack-jawed for several moments. I knew my cue, though. “Okee-dokee, then!” I announced. Then I climbed from the bed, turned my back on the large portrait, collected my T-shirt, my jeans, and my sweater, and dressed.

I looked at my watch when I let myself out. It was 10:42.


  1. "....dripping down with all the urgency of name-brand ketchup."

    Lines like this are why I keep reading your blog. :)

    It's too bad for this guy that he's so caught up in porn ruled fantasy that he seems unable to surrender to his desires and actually do the things that "nasty boys" do with other "nasty boys"

  2. Matt,

    And to think that was a last-minute addition.

    I think you've put your finger right on the issue here—those who watch too much porn and memorize too much porn dialogue and develop porn expectations eventually treat others as dispensable and ultimately irrelevant to actual sex.

    But you said it much more succinctly.

  3. You shoulda just shoved it in. Hard.

  4. CB,

    Under some circumstances, I would've. When I could tell the effort wouldn't be worth it, not so much.

  5. That pissed me off just reading about it! A part of me wants to hear how you are gonna plot then execute your revenge to teach the "flake" a lesson about false advertising.

  6. Explorer Jack,

    That sounds like the premise for a porn flick!

  7. Wow, just....wow...if I ever stop for a second and wonder if I'm being narcissistic I'll have to stop and remember reading about this guy. So wrapped up in his own fantasy and orgasm that he might as well have had a blow up doll with a tape recorder inside to spout porn dialog back to him. *shudder*

  8. I thought at first reading this that I would have been put off by this guy a few seconds after he open the the door and would have just left. I see I was right.

    I've been there but in reverse and the guy only invited me over so he could get off quickly and shoot his one drop (yes one drop) of cum and I was out of there in a few minutes. But unlike you I didn't have to gather my clothes and get dressed since I never got as far as taking them off.

  9. I could tell this was going in a bad direction the moment he started yelling. Not really my thing. He basically was the in-your-face-verbal equivalent of the guys that play you online, talking about what they want to do with you, and then drop off because they jerked off and don't need you anymore. A small part of me, which I like to call "Dark Ace" would have been itching to just fuck him anyway. And depending on how much he had pissed me off yelling, that small part could actually be a lot bigger. To prevent it from happening, I probably would have just walked away.


  10. I could not stop laughing at the image of you blinking in confusion, and then at you gathering your things and getting out of that failed situation. I cannot imagine what I would have done if I was confronted with such a flake.

  11. Reading this was therapeutic. I lived in Boston in college, and for several years after, and kept running into guys like this. After a while I started to think there must be something wrong with me because I was a gay man who actually wanted (gasp) anal sex.

  12. This happens more often than it should... ocupacional hazards. Good writing though. Greetings from Mexico City.

  13. ThatSpikyDave,

    Why even get the blow-up doll? It's less work and less clean-up to have some schmoe like me come by.

  14. Cyberi4a,

    Some guys feel they have to come on strong to compensate for something. In this guy's case, it turned out to be for not putting out at all.

  15. Ace,

    Ace and Dark Ace sounds like a Fox pilot. I'd watch it.

  16. Ethan,

    It's like I said last night to a few people—sometimes the bad sex is almost worth it if there's a good story. At least I amused you!

  17. 1:45 Anonymous,

    There are, of course, gay men who don't like anal at all. And there are gay men who love it.

    But there are a whoooole lot of them who want it but can't bring themselves to do the deed. I will say that this particular case is the furthest than any of those actually carried it.

  18. 2:44 Anonymous,

    Thank you! And greetings from the other end of North America.

  19. Throb,

    It unfuckinfortunately happened.

  20. Mind of MIne,

    I hope you meant him, and not me!

  21. Seriously, I don't get it. I don't get someone who is so self-involved that THIS is what they do when they get a hot man like you all to themselves.

  22. Yeah, I get that it's easier to have some schmoe come over...next time, at least piss on everything on your way out so there's at least _something_ for him to clean up or explain to his maid.

  23. You truly are a masterful writer. I was reading along, thinking: "Wow. This isn't like Rob at all. I'm not getting even slightly excited by this scenario. It's just......sorta off-putting."

    And then I found out why! Once again, your language creates EXACTLY the effect you seek. You are indeed amazing.


  24. That was funny! So, when you said Mr. Tiny Dick was in one of the most typically stereotypical gay careers, I trust you had an encounter with a member of Congress or the NFL?

  25. o lordy!!!!!!

    I'm really sorry to hear about that. I often find the exceptionally vocal, LOTS of talk play, more often than not ends up a bust.

    you'll always have a pussy in toronto:)

  26. Maybe you should introduce Nasty Boy to the gent whose dog likes to rim. What NASTY STUFF they could do -- like redecorating Rimdog's house. (And maybe Nasty Boy could recommend a good portraitist, as in, "Rimdog Licking".)

    Then again, who will be top bitch?

  27. Richard,

    I know! I should've had you there to tell him that.

  28. Jonking,

    Whew. At least I was eliciting the correct response!

  29. JFBreak,

    You left off 'Catholic priest.'

  30. Pussyboi,

    I am going to take you up on that promise sometime. I swear.

  31. Hi Rob,
    I was reading your post and got aroused by it intil he said that he wouldn't get fuck by you. Sorry, who doesn't want to get that marvelous dick of your up their butt, you know that i would in a heartbeat even if i only got fucked once. That guy was so about him and only him and i was glad that you lrft like you did.That guy didn't deserve you one moment, well maybe at the biginning but not at the end. I am glad to have read it my friend.


  32. The "unfuck" was believable, all right. I see a passive-aggressive case who wants to frustrate well-hung men and punish the world out of penis envy, redefined. Explaining this as a porn fanasy is too kind. This act looks like a set-up and a repeat performance of nasty games of another kind, as in, "I'll jerk you around by jerking off". Breeder will not be the last man lured to this one's temple of rejection. The Narcissistic painting about sums things up.

  33. Yves,

    I'm glad to have you back. I hope you're well!

  34. 12:09 Anonymous,

    I can see your point of view. I suppose I'm more inclined to ascribe his behavior to heedlessness or just plain insensible dickishness because I don't really want to live in a world in which men actively attempt to thwart each other in such calculated ways.

    That doesn't mean it doesn't happen, though.

  35. I hope so Rob, I'm oddly enough looking forward to walking funny.

    Pakistani pussyboi

  36. OMG! He doesn't know what a nasty boy is! A Nasty boy would allow you to fuck him deep and have you breed him making his ass yours!

    I am looking forward to when we are in the same area so you can make my ass yours and we can be nasty boys together!

  37. VersRaw,

    No, he has no concept of what a nasty boy really is. You, I suspect, do.

  38. What....the....FUCK????? LMAO- have you ever seen the movie with that chick who has multiple personalities? I think her name was Sybil. This guy must be Sybil's long lost brother. I was taking a sip of water and got to the part where he says he doesn't get fucked and starting cracking up and water went up my nose. Hahahaha