Friday, September 30, 2011

Open Forum Friday: The Race Thing

To say that my sexual history has tended to be a bit checkered is something of an understatement. It’s seedier than a Burpee’s catalog, and I’m generally fine with that. Case in point: when before my move I was in the city of Toronto, browsing through one of the multiple sex toy stores there, when one of our party happened upon a glass display case showcasing a lovely set of gleaming narrow surgical-steel implements, with a box of tuning forks in a velvet-lined box to the side. “What could these strange implements be?” asked the party as one. The Greek Chorus of Mutual Naiveté crouched and peered at the glittering objects like a Stone Age tribe encountering their first iPhone. “Are they for the musically inclined?”

“Oh, those,” I said, rolling my eyes slightly. “Sounds.” I gave a brief description of how they’re used, accompanied by a mime show that I'm happy is never going to hit YouTube. Then I explained that once the sound has been inserted into the urethra, the tuning fork could be struck and applied to it in order to produce vibrations at different frequencies. It was an entirely accurate description in my been-there-done-that voice, which I quickly followed up with a hasty, “Not that I know anything about it at all whatsoever,” once I saw the round little Os of their mouths.

No one believed me, of course. They thought I was making it up. So they asked the clerk, a cute Little Nell clone, to clear up the matter of the mysterious implements. She told them exactly the same thing I had. After that, I got a little more respect. Even if it was the kind of respect that meant I had to endure people approaching me and asking me, “What’s this, exactly?” while they carried an atypically-shaped dildo known as “The Clifford.”

Every once in a while, however, I run across something that gives me pause. I'm reminded of another incident I encountered on that same trip.

Now, I have to confess that in my now thirty-five years of sexual activity, I’ve run across quite a few men into verbal abuse. Quite a lot of men, actually. A certain, non-insignificant subset of these have been black guys who crave, shall we say, racial verbal abuse and roleplay. I get it from educated, well-off men; I get it from guys without much in the way of advantages. It’s certainly not universal, but it’s really not uncommon, either.

Dirty talk isn’t usually a problem for me. Telling a guy I’m going to fuck that hungry little bitch ass of his is not a problem. Informing a guy that his black ass is going to get plugged by my big white cock isn’t too much of a stretch. I’m just using color adjectives. The vocabulary some men want, I've incorporated into my playtime vocabulary. I’ve used the rationale that it’s just an aspect of play, always consensual, and that it’s not something that’s going to linger any longer than one of us has an erection. So if, in these cases, I’ve sprinkled my foul-mouthedness with an extremely judicious and sparing use of the n-word, I and my partners desiring that kind of verbal abuse have made our peace with it.

During that Toronto trip, though, I chatted online to a guy who was desperate to meet. He was cute, younger, a bottom, and fairly straightforward about the fact that he wanted me to dirty-talk him when we met. “You can call me anything,” he typed. “The nastier the better.”

Mentally I was beginning to dust off some of my least-used phrases culled from raunchy old porn when he added, “You know what really turns me on? When you call me a piece-of-shit Jew. Just put your boots in my face and tell me I’m a nasty kike that needs to be put down. That’s what I like.” It was at that moment that I made the mental connection between what he was saying and his screen name, which was something along the should've-seen-it-coming lines of ‘filthy_juden1980’.

The whole thing felt like stumbling onto something I wasn’t supposed to see, like my parents having full-out sex next to the Thanksgiving turkey or something. I took a couple of minutes, though, to parse out my reaction. Because what’s the difference, really, between the kind of racial domination guys have asked for in the past, and a Jewish guy begging me to work his hymie-hole? (His phrase, not mine.)

I’m not at all convinced there is one.

I agreed to meet the guy, but for one reason or another, he never followed through. The fantasy might've been one of those things that seemed hot online for him, but which he couldn't do in person, or he might have found more enthusiastic takers.

When I've written before of racially-charged sex, I've had readers make comments about how psychologically twisted the men must be who crave it, or how low-class or even sick anyone must become to indulge. Yet it's not that uncommon a form of play, trust me, and really no more serious than any of the things we do in bed. Because we've been trained from childhood that the words involved are taboo, we have an instinctive tendency to flinch from it—it's not the kind of thing that we refer to, in polite society.

I'm curious. How many of you have either indulged in such play, or been asked to do it? Did you do so willingly and with a clean conscience, or did you feel dirty after? I'd prefer that we treat each other with respect in the comments, because I know it's a divisive issue. But I'm interested in finding out our thoughts on this form of sexual fetish, and how it's worked for you in the past—or in your present.


  1. Since yer askin, I personally don't relish formal words. I prefer grunts, groans, sighs and "yummy" sounds (mmmmm-mmmm).

    For me to speak, it sounds unnatural. The exception is when I utter "teeth!" during a blowjob. I hate to have to utter that.

    I'm also not a fan when someone talks nasty to me. "yah, fuck my ass" and "suck that dick" while I'm already in the process of doing it, sounds forced and redundant.

    I have been known to be aroused when some Latin hottie whispers in my ear "fuck my ass" during foreplay though. If only they would do it in Spanish.


  2. No, I've never participated in this particular sexual fetish (may we call it "the ethnicity fetish"?). I find it interesting to watch others do the ethnicity fetish &, if both sides are comfortable with it, I don't find it objectionable.

    You're describing the intentional use of strange, or oddball, words with a sexual aim. A sexual fetish not unlike that one would be that~may we call it "the shibboleth fetish"?~wherein Stranger A, broaching interchange with Stranger B, uses given words, e.g., "annilingus" or "lick ass" or "autocoitus" or "self-fuck" or "irrumate" or "suck dick", for the purpose of getting B's reaction (shibboleth) to such words, meaning where does B stand on the education-&-culture pole vis-à-vis A? I do the shibboleth fetish not infrequently. It's a sexual thing & lots of fun.

  3. I've been on both ends, and it usually works out fine. The rare exceptions are usually when there isn't adequate communication up front, and there are insufficient cues. I've had guys that get turned on by humiliation, and are Ok with being called anything, and others that seemed so close to those that they probably couldn't be told apart on video. The difference being that there can't be any feminine words (i.e., filthy-two-bit-faggot-whore was fine, bitch and cunt were not). Here in the middle of the prairies, I've only ever connected with one person where the "n" could have been used, and that was years ago, and he was a serious top, so there was very little in the way of verbal exchanges.

    I have connected with numerous asians here, but again, very little "role-play" so I have no data for you there.

    As a reader/writer, the story line of an encounter is a significant component in my enjoyment. The simple act of sex is welcome, but is only one component of the interaction. I confess to enjoying some humiliation myself when I was primarily a bottom, and I feel like it adds something when I am asked to use it as a top. For me, it's just one tool in my sexual kit.

    As with everything, communication is key.

  4. It may not be to much of a racial issue as it is just the words themselves. How many gay men would punch someone on the street in the nose if they called them a faggot, but during sex like nothing better then being called a faggot and a whole lot more.

    It's the excite of being able to bring that little hidden something that must be inside all of us out into the open for just a little while during sex.

    I've never had sex where sterotype racial words were used.

  5. In all my years (25+) of having sex I have never had anyone call me or say something racial or offensive. I have a friend who overheard his black roommate having sex with a white surfer dude call out in a heat of passion; "Fuck me Nigger, Fuck me"! We were horrified while at the same time laughing hysterically. We still joke after some 10-15 years about this situation. At this point in my life, not sure how I would react if this sort of thing happened to while having sex.

  6. I feel silly about this, but I have a question. As a devoted reader of your blog (albeit a silent one mostly ;), I have been trying to find an old post of yours in which you recounted a quickie seduction with a daddy one year when you worked at some type of theme park. He came into the store right as the fireworks were beginning outside, and if memory serves me right, you two created your own fireworks while the family enjoyed the ones outdoors.

    Can you direct me to it, or tell me if I dreamed it up ;).


  7. Anonymous, I think you're looking for this:

    If you need something like that again, next time, try googling on something like:

    "fireworks site:"

  8. In bed, in action I am rock em, sock em. But when it comes to phone sex, online sex or dirty talk, I just don't have the imagination.

    I was once fucking gay, and whilst he was getting off he started saying 'I'm being raped'. 'Tell me your raping me' 'rip me' 'Hurt me'

    I almost went soft.

  9. First I have to say that the phrase "hymie-hole" is that kind of racially or religiously sensitive version of hilarious I sometimes enjoy in late-night television and comedy specials, so I think that there is already a time and a place for it. When one is making fun of people who are actually racist, I generally find it ok to laugh at.

    As for in bed, I usually let the person I'm with set the tone for how far into the hate-talk I go. For example, I won't call someone a "fag" unless he does it first. If a guys says, "Fuck my fag hole," I'll generally start using the word. There are some I won't do, however, like "nigger" and "kike" simply because there are people in my family who actively use those words in horrible ways and I can't separate the two. But I will go pretty far in the interest of meeting the needs of who I'm with.


  10. I have no problem with it--if I know in advance or I follow the cues of my partner. Thursday afternoon at the bookstore my bottom grunted "Fuck this black ass with that big white cock." I answered, occasionally, in kind. But I would never assume he wanted anything stronger.

    If I am doing a humiliation scene in my playroom, just how verbal I am to be is discussed before the scene starts. Actually before they are in my house--so the role play can begin from the moment they walk in the door.

  11. Anonymous Jack,

    I find a lot of talking distracting. If the other guy is doing a lot of talking at me and it sounds like he's memorized it from a Colt porn video circa 1992, and it sounds like he's trying to get himself off rather than actually talk to me, I'm usually going to be wishing I were elsewhere.

    Some guys like a lot of dialogue and back-and-forth, though, and that's fine with me. I like it. And sometimes it gets into fantasy territory, like with race play. And I'm good with that too. I suppose I'm just surprised when it strays into unexplored territory.

  12. Kevin Shea,

    I agree with you. Communication is key. You put your finger on another tricky area--that is, the guys who like verbal abuse, but who get their backs up when called by a traditionally feminine name. It's okay to say you're going to fuck their manholes or their shitters, or to tell them to get their faggot whore asses in the air, but if you dare call them a cunt or even refer to their boy-pussy, they turn off like a switch.

    I've run into a LOT of those. I tend to like the ones who don't give a shit, because then I don't have to run an internal editor as I talk.

  13. Cyberi4a,

    Yeah, the taboo aspect of using for excitement the same words that we know are 'bad' is a pretty potent lure for many. It's all about the context.

  14. BlkJack,

    It's not universal, certainly. But trust me, it's not uncommon in the least. I knew some of it in the South, a hell of a lot of it in Michigan . . . and not so much here.

  15. Anonymous,

    Kevin found the correct link. And Kevin, thanks for stepping in. I was away most of yesterday!

  16. Mind of Mine,

    Not everyone has the same tastes. A good partner would've read your responses to his cues and left off with that kind of talk when it was obvious you weren't being turned on. That guy doesn't sound like a good partner.

  17. Ace,

    If anyone actually said 'hymie-hole' in my presence, no matter how deeply aroused I was, I would've stopped whatever I was doing and giggled myself red.

  18. FelchingPisser,

    I like it when you call me 'boy.' Just sayin'.

  19. Rob,

    I have to say, my understanding of "Hymie" mostly is as the robot in "Get Smart" so there would be WAY to much laughing on my end to continue anything past the moment where I stopped and asked, "What did you just say?"

    And as for the two of us, you can just keep calling me "kiddo" and I'll be just fine.


  20. I've had both ends of the experience. If it feels like we are both getting hot, it's playful, it's descriptive (we do, after all hve our differences) then it's fine. The minute I feel it's disrespectful, reflects prejudice that the guy really has, or a perception of power that he has over me whether inside or oustide of the bedroom, that he feels he can use me or treat me less respectfully than he would one of "his own", then I'm done. Even with anonymous encounters, you can usually tell the difference.

    Am reminded of a fantastic piece of dialog from ENTOURAGE:

    Jay Lester: You know the old saying, "Fuck Chinese and you're horny again half an hour later" - [Lloyd slaps him to the shock of a nearby crowd]
    Lloyd: I'm an American of Chinese descent [pokes Jay] and what are you Jay? Just another overweight hack TV writer!

  21. I find verbal abuse to be a big turn on as of late. During dirty talk, there's little I love more than to be called "a fucking piece of shit pussy bitch faggot." Of course if some random on the street called me that, I'd likely deck 'em. There's a difference between consensual wordplay designed to enhance the sexual experience and someone shouting insults at me with the intent to degrade me.

  22. 6:44 Anonymous,

    You're right. You can tell the difference. There's a playful vibe between two or more guys when it's what everyone's agreed on. When it suddenly intrudes, it's like a fart at a fancy tea party, and my instinct is always to pretend it didn't happen.

  23. Joey,

    Come on over, faggot. I'll give your bitch mouth something to work on, pussy boy.

    (You mean, like that?)