Monday, September 19, 2011

Thinking of Spencer

He wrote me two weeks ago, asking how I was. I wrote back and told him about the rash I'd been having. Yeah, he wrote. About that? The rash is your body telling you how much you miss me. It will never go away.

I wrote back that I was pretty sure he was right.

I really miss you too, he replied.

Spencer and I have kept in touch since I moved. I comment on his Facebook status changes. He pipes up on my page, on occasion. We've swapped text messages. But the contact has always been brief.

After this short exchange, though, I had to sit down. It took me back to last winter, when Spencer and I were everything to each other, for a time. It reminded me so strongly of how good it felt, and how lucky I was to have that remarkable young man in my life.

It was nice to be missed.

I see Spencer everywhere I turn, some days. I see him in the pages of Time Out, when I look at the dance section. I think of him when I hear Tchaikovsky, or one of the tunes to which he introduced me plays on my computer. I think of him in the evenings, when I arrange the pillows on the bed and remember how he had to have four of them to get through the night.

I think of him sometimes when I run across a bottle of his face wash that somehow came with us. It sits in the cupboard beneath the sink, and every now and then I'll unscrew the cap and inhale, just to smell the phantom of him.

You don't forget someone overnight, simply because they no longer live close. Spencer was a very good man, and a very bright spot during a lonely time of my life.

Over the weekend I was thinking of the nights we spent on my sofa, limbs intertwined, his head on my thigh, my fingers stroking his hair, as we would watch television together. In Manhattan I'd seen an action figure from one of the animes we'd watched together. A couple of jumps in Amazon, and I'd selected an adorable chibi-style stuffed toy based on the same anime, which I shipped to his home.

Because I think he wants to be missed, too.


  1. Bitter sweet. Especially the last part about Spencer wanting to be missed. I can only believe that he feels that from you across the miles. Truthfully - if I had the coins I'd treat for the both of you to meet up in NYC or something for together time. It would be worth it for both your continued happiness. You have enriched my life with your blogging. Thank you. AIV

  2. Hey, AIV,

    That really touched me. Thank you.

  3. I am sitting at my desk and I feel the the misty sensation that comes right before a tear. really touch me with your writing.

  4. Orodrigu,

    Thank you. Sorry to make you misty!

  5. Oh, jeez. I totally started crying just now. What a sweet, loving man you are. I can't believe how lucky I am to know you. Spencer is so lucky too.

    Actually, you're both very lucky to have that time together to remember. And to still be in touch. I haven't spoken to the man who was like my personal Romeo last winter since I left Ohio, though I think about him some times. This post makes me want to talk to him now. Thanks for the beautiful post.


  6. What a beautiful post - you are both very lucky men.

    I think we all want to be missed. We are just too afraid to admit it or say it out loud most time.

    Thank you for the smile, the warmth, and the tear - a wonderful way to start my day.


  7. Ace,

    Thank you. You should speak to your personal Romeo.

  8. Tom,

    Thanks, my friend. I think you're right--sometimes our pride and fear keeps us from saying things such as our desire to be missed, or even to speak of missing someone. It's a shame, no?

  9. Rob,

    The only reason I haven't spoken to him is because he did not take my leaving Ohio very well at all. It was kind of like the "Howls" post you made a while back, but every time I walked into the restaurant he worked at. Still, I'm going to send him a message right now. He was too kind to me to pass up. I should tell you about him in an email...


  10. I hope you already did it, Ace. There's nothing that causes as much regret as a missed opportunity to keep a friendship alive.

  11. Yea, seriously Breederman, you gotta stop this mushy stuff. 'Fore you know it you'll get me having feelings an' such. And you know how I hate feelings.

  12. RedPhillip,

    You're a big ol' liar, you squishy thing.

    Thank you.

  13. Awww...(barf) <3<3 :)


  14. Rob my friend,

    That post is just like you, kind and sweet. You can never forget about the people you love, or like. It is always following you where ever you go, it is still in the back of your mind and it comes back when you need it. I am glad that you are still in contact with Spencer and don't ever cut it. A friend is a friend, close or far. I just made one in portugal about a month and a half ago and we speak every day. Take care my sexy friend.


  15. Rob this is freaky, I was reading one of your posts over the weekend and was wondering about Spencer and Scruffy. I'm glad one has popped up in your life again. Your postings about the two of them always touched and moved me.

  16. Yves,

    Thank you. I liked hearing about your friend in Portugal!

  17. JohnDownunder,

    Sometimes it's kind of tough to revisit the stuff that's going to cause us a bit of pain, especially when it's recent. But it's good to remember the people we love, even when we had to leave them.

  18. I've been gone to the pacific for a week of relaxation. Walking the beach, listening to the waves, watching a giant fireball at sundown,remembering good times makes it all worthwhile. Now at home, the first blog I read is yours and about Spencer. Wow, what a great loving relationship and so sad it had to end. Your blog is the best on the web and what a gift you give to your readers. hal

  19. I am so glad Spencer and you are still in touch even though your romance is over. He must be "skin deep" in you, hence the rash. It shows that you are a caring, loving and incorrigibly sexy person.
    Thank you for sharing your life with us.

  20. Hal,

    Just reading about your relaxation relaxes me. It was a great relationship that Spencer and I had, but it always had a ticking clock on it.

    Thanks for the compliments. You're a generous man.

  21. Frenchie,

    I don't go a day without thinking about Spencer. Though I don't inundate him with texts and emails, I do keep in touch. I can't help that.

    'Incorrigible' is a good word for me! Thank you. :-)

  22. You never know where paths are going to lead. They wander along streams, around boulders, descend into gorges, rise up mountains. You and Spencer are still travelling - and I wish you all the best....

  23. Jonking,

    Thanks for that. That was lovely.

  24. Hi Rob, this post really means a lot to me. I'm in the beginning of a similar situation myself and I know it's going to have to end at some point. Knowing there can be a happy ending really inspires me.

    You wrote before one post you in which you and Spencer were laying in bed together, and you said (paraphrasing to the effect of) that to simply enjoy the moments together while they lasted, and making beautiful memories, is nothing to be afraid of or anything to avoid, simply because we know they are going to end. It makes our time more special.

    Rob, I've held onto those words and they've made this short relationship I'm embarking on so much sweeter. I'm not thinking of the day we have to part and dreading I'll face it with fear and anger. I'm looking forward to being able to have these wonderful memories of being with a man who is very special to me, right now, in every way. I'm beginning to not sorry it will have to end, but glad I'll feel richer for having this bright spot in my life for now and for the next few months.

    Thank you for baring your soul and writing so eloquently your thoughts and your fears, and sharing them with all of us. You've really helped me. Really. In many ways, sexually and personally. I'd send you photos of my naked butt to thank you, but I'm a lady, and I'm not sure your readers want to see that. :)

    -Jill in California