Friday, March 2, 2012

The Handsomeness Experiment

All last month I kept thinking, Hey, my second blogiversary is coming up. I need to remember to write something about it. Then the week before it happened, I several times thought, Next week’s the second anniversary of my blog! Don’t forget to say something to your readers!


Of course, the day actually rolled around and I was more or less oblivious. Typical.

I’ve thought about several different things I could say about keeping a public sex blog for two years running. I could write up a list of all the readers I’ve had the privilege to meet, and those I’ve had the privilege to get inside. After the mid-year debacle in which a certain other prolific former blogger hate-bombed my email box when I gently suggested in an entry that it’s probably not a good idea for bloggers to chew out their readers en masse on a regular basis, I could’ve written a rather length screed about the unpleasantness of being on the receiving end of the manifestation of someone’s mental illness. I could be writing a grateful and humbled thank-you note to my readers, blessing them for the abundance of fun, fellowship, and kindness they’ve shown me over the last twenty-four months.

This entry that follows is more in the vein of the latter. Because I truly am grateful for everything my readers give me, and because I’d like to have a sense that I’m giving back a little, I have an anecdote to relate.

I made love to someone recently—it was in these pages, but who it was doesn’t matter. While we were fucking, I kept telling him how beautiful he was, and how handsome. I didn’t say the words simply to get into his pants. Those pants had hit the bedroom floor a couple of hours before. I was telling him how deeply attractive I found him because I really felt what I was saying, right at that moment. I wanted him to know how much I wanted him and how good he made me feel. I could’ve gone all day without touching the guy, if he’d granted me the favor of letting me lie there and look at his sweet face, his handsome features, his deep and kind eyes.

There was a moment when we were slowly gyrating against each other, enjoying the slow and deliberate pleasure of it, when he looked up at me in wonder. “I never think of myself this way,” he said. “You make me feel like a completely different person.”

I stared at him for a moment. “So why don’t you allow yourself to be?” I finally asked, before kissing him.

It was one of those moments that could have easily been forgotten. We both could’ve returned to our homes that night sated and stinking of each other, content to let the evening remain a memory. He took it a little further than I expected, though, when I heard from him last week with this email.

You don’t know this, but I fell asleep that night replaying that short conversation in my head. I probably acted like a lovesick fifteen-year-old. You wouldn’t let me go. “Why don’t you allow yourself to be?”, I kept hearing in my head, again and again. 
Did I feel like a completely different person, through your eyes? I did. Did I feel beautiful, and handsome, and desirable, and all the things I always feared I’d never be? I most certainly did. 
The next morning I woke up and I thought, "What if I really am all those things?” 
And I thought, "Why not assume that you are? Why not get up and get through the day assuming you’re all things he said you are?" Handsome. Beautiful. Sexy. Remarkable. Sweet. Hot. 

It felt like I’d woken up in someone else’s bed. I was giddy as I thought to myself, "It won't hurt anyone. It won't break laws. Why not try it? What if you did it as an experiment? Say, a week? One week of thinking of yourself as handsome?” 
It was strange. I really wanted to try it, to listen to this unexpected voice—your voice—urging me on. But then my own voice intruded. “It’d be ridiculous because you’re not handsome at all,” it said. “You’re as far away from handsome as it’s possible to get. That’s why.” 
Your voice spoke up. "Do you think I was just kidding with you? Pitying you? Being kind, in a moment of passion?” 
I wanted to listen to your voice in my head that morning. Not my own. I stepped into the bathroom. Looked in the mirror. I had sex hair. My face looked slept-upon. But I was handsome. I didn’t have to believe it. I didn’t believe it, yet. I just had to say it to myself.
I am handsome. 
I was walking down the street during rush hour on the way to work. "Lift your head up," I told myself. Have you ever noticed you always look down as you walk, to hide your face? Stop looking down. You're handsome." 
I do it. I am handsome. 
In the coffee shop. The server is amazingly cute. He could have anyone he wants. “Don't tilt your head down when he speaks to you. Look him in the eye. You're handsome." 
I look him in the eye. I smile. I wink as I wish him a good day. 
He gives me a free cookie. 
Well, now. 
I decide to let myself be handsome all that day. Then all that week. And I swear to god, it’s working. I haven’t changed physically, but the world is changing around me. People react to me differently—men and women both, and not just in a sexual way. It's not my imagination. The more I say it, the more I believe it. The more my confidence grows, the more inclined the world is to get out of my way–or, better, to help me step aside and admire me as I pass. 

It’s novel, and it’s sweet, and I love myself in a way I haven’t for over thirty years. I am handsome. 

You were the start of this. You did in a few hours what a succession of expensive therapists had never been able to do. You changed the world for me. 
You and your words. 

Thank you.
Now. I have some disagreements with the basic moral my lover has drawn here. It wasn’t me or my words that changed his world. He did that all by himself, by being open to the truth, open to the universe, and showing a willingness to believe in the best parts of himself rather than to run away from them. And if I can get pseudo-mystical for a moment: you can do that, too.

I get so much email from readers who wish their lives were like mine. Or if not exactly like mine, richer and more free, in a direction they perceive mine as being. If there’s anything I wish to have accomplished after two years of blogging about my sex life, it’s to impart a very specific message: your life is not entirely on rails. You are in control of many of the aspects of your existence that make you unhappy. If you’re dismayed with the way things are going, seize the wheel and steer in a direction that’s better for you. Good things can happen to you. You deserve every single one of them.

You are handsome. You are beautiful. You are a wonderful person with an abundance of good qualities. (Well, a couple of you are real shits, but chances are that if you were one of them, you wouldn’t have read this far. You’d already have written your snarky little comment about how I should get a real job, and gone on your merry way.) Good people in your lives have told you these things before; I'm repeating them to you now.

I have encountered so many men in the last two years alone who long to subscribe to these truths about themselves, but are so frightened to believe anything good they hear—or are so used to ignoring the compliments—that they shy away. They cringe, and deflect, and discount.

Anything not to hear what they so desperately wish was reality.

Yet these things are truths. You are beautiful, inside and out. You are handsome. You have a good, sweet soul. Why not believe it for a day? It won’t hurt anyone if you do.

Why not believe it for a week? You won’t break any laws.

Why not act as if it’s true, for good, and watch how the world changes around you? Because it can, and will, if you so much as allow it.

That’s what I wish for each and every one of you. What gift could be sweeter?

27 comments:

  1. I love it when you get pseudo-mystical...your a lovely person.
    Strangely--you have also changed my life a bit--your blog has been a thoughtful, funny and entertaining light during the toughest year of my 42.

    Steph

    ReplyDelete
  2. I remember you opening a very similar door in my life after I met you. The week after I took your load, I walked around with my head held high and my face proud. Even now I still remember exactly how I felt--the tumble of emotions and confliction--when you told me I look like a pre-raphaelite painting. You're such an incredible and amazing man to share your gift with us all, your readers. You're going to touch more people than you know with this post.

    -Ace

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are such an angel in human form, Rob...thank you sooo much for this post! :D

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks for this post Rob, sometimes that is all that it takes, just the seed of an idea to take root and suddenly life is changed

    ReplyDelete
  5. Beautiful, beautiful post, Rob. Thanks, my friend. And happy blogiversary!

    ReplyDelete
  6. """""I get so much email from readers who wish their lives were like mine. Or if not exactly like mine,...."""""

    I bet the ones that want to be like you or exactly like you are the ones who write the most 'snarky little comments'. They feel they can't hold there head up high and has the same type life, so they take it out on you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Rob,

    Lovely post. You bring more to the world than just a big dick and a great blog. You touch on many universal truths. Often unspoken, yet deeply felt, and shared. Thank you!

    Don't forget to keep us posted on the landscaper!!

    PR

    ReplyDelete
  8. You're a great person.

    And don't underestimate your contribution. Yeah, he decided to do that on his own, but most of us need some kind of external validation. You gave him permission to think of himself that way.

    ReplyDelete
  9. a most beautiful post to remind us that life is worth living. I just wished I lived across the other side of the Atlantic and had the opportunity to meet you.
    Joyeux anniversaire !!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Happy Blogaversary, Rob!

    PR said it for me; you touch on many universal truths. I wake to you with my morning coffee and am swept into a chapter of Tom Robbins. I'm enriched, enlivened, often humbled and always close the "book" with something to ponder.

    And sometimes, I am moved to tears.

    Many times, I am moved to go and have a good wank!

    And every morning, I open this book, hoping you'll be there with a paragraph or two to take me places beyond myself and remind me of who I am.

    And, every morning, I realize that someday, this glorious adventure will come to a close - as all books do - and I will be left with the memories, the joys, the triumphs, pain and conquests, but most of all, I will be left with the knowledge that I am part of a larger brotherhood of men, sharing in "the dear love of comerades."

    Thank you, Rob, for your generosity, patience, wit, kinship and love. May you continue to write in good health, good humor and good grace.

    With love and great affection (if not effection),

    Drew

    ReplyDelete
  11. Happy Blogaversary, Rob!

    PR said it for me; you touch on many universal truths. I wake to you with my morning coffee and am swept into a chapter of Tom Robbins. I'm enriched, enlivened, often humbled and always close the "book" with something to ponder.

    And sometimes, I am moved to tears.

    Many times, I am moved to go and have a good wank!

    And every morning, I open this book, hoping you'll be there with a paragraph or two to take me places beyond myself and remind me of who I am.

    And, every morning, I realize that someday, this glorious adventure will come to a close - as all books do - and I will be left with the memories, the joys, the triumphs, pain and conquests, but most of all, I will be left with the knowledge that I am part of a larger brotherhood of men, sharing in "the dear love of comerades."

    Thank you, Rob, for your generosity, patience, wit, kinship and love. May you continue to write in good health, good humor and good grace.

    With love and great affection (if not effection),

    Drew

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thank you so much for this post....I really needed something like that to read at this very moment.
    -Ethan

    ReplyDelete
  13. Can a commentor comment on a comment? Because I really meant to say what Drew said--he just said it waaaaay better!

    Steph

    ReplyDelete
  14. I began to tear up as I read this post thinking of all the times I have worked with my students to get them to see the goodness, brilliance and sweetness inside of them. It is nice to hear another person say it sometimes. Then I misread the last sentence and thought you were asking for a sweater!

    Laughter and tears on a Friday. That is a good start to the weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Rob,

    Thank you so much for reminding this of that timeless truth - we are masters of our destiny. I know I forget that a lot and tend to just get swept along. I know that when I am feeling positive and good about myself my confidence shines through and makes me a better more attractive person. But I don't do it often enough.

    Yet you take it even a step further. You are a true leader - a motivator who seeks to get others to see the spark in themselves. Sort of like Kate Perry's "Firework" Anyway thanks again so much for touching all of us!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Happy second blogiversary. You're really a true angel.

    anonymous tony

    ReplyDelete
  17. Rob my dear friend,
    That post is just amazing. Just want to tell you that you changed my life also in so different ways. I still have some little adjustements to do but i came a long long just because of you and all the thigs you told me. You are one of a kind sexy man, you are amazing and also you are the kindest man that i have the previlege to know via the internet and this blog. Congratulations for the two years of that awesome blog and i wish you so much more. Thank you for everything you've done so far for me and the other readers.

    Yves

    ReplyDelete
  18. Rob,

    I actually turned the TV off so that I could focus on what you had written in this post. I had to fight off tears as I read, because I could seriously see myself in the man that you wrote about.

    Thank you for your precious thoughts and the incredible person that you are.

    ErieBear

    ReplyDelete
  19. A very happy blogiversary to you big B. I remain a regular reader and fan. Now let's get back to the hot steamy stuff, and i don't mean the santorum tales!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Rob, Happy Anniversary! and thank you for sharing so much with us through your blog. I too must say that I saw myself in this post. Every day my Daddy repeatedly tells me that I am cute or handsome, and I always just try to deflect the compliments. It's a habit that comes from never seeing myself that way. But your post has made me really stop and think. I need to give the handsomeness experiment a try for myself. Also, I must say that Drew's comment captured a great deal of what I think and feel about your blog. You touch so many people, in far more ways than you will ever realize. As others have said, you are an angel among men here on Earth. And that's an adorable angle with a big dick who inspires us to live and to embrace our sexuality. Thank so much, Jay

    ReplyDelete
  21. Great post Rob. Everytime when my two grandaughters,15&12,run up the stairs to my den to give me a hug, I know I'm a hansome dude,like you are Rob. hal

    ReplyDelete
  22. Congratulations on this anniversary. I have to admit, I think these are the type of posts I enjoy the most.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Happy anniversary, I hope you'll have many more to celebrate. It's always amazing to read how you connect with others, it's so much more than 'just sex'. And all that extra good stuff radiates from your writings as heat from a stove. So we just keep on reading as long as you keep on writing, thanks!

    Jelle

    ReplyDelete
  24. Wonderful essay. You're right. Attitude counts for a great deal. I cost you nothing to express what you felt, but it made such a difference in his life.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Rob,

    Happy Anniversary! I enjoy each and every posting you write. This one touched me and had me tearing up. Thank you for speaking the truth to your friend. Sometimes just a positive comment or smile will change a person's outlook.

    I know there are days I need it. I don't know where my self esteem came from or where the low energy comes off but somehow each and every day every one sees the positive outlook I like to give out whether or not I am feeling that positive in life or not. Reading this post inspiring me to continue to be positive and give off that great energy but also to turn some to myself and to heal whatever needs healing.

    I hope that instead of bullying and hurting each other that we support and give that good positive energy that we all need to be healthy and happy.

    Thank you for sharing with all of us.

    HUGS
    VRPB

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hello Rob,

    I've recently discovered your blog and I am hooked. You've snagged yourself another dedicated reader. Happy Anniversary and many more. Cheers!

    tks

    ReplyDelete