Friday, August 6, 2010

Aliens Among Us

I should have known something was off when I couldn’t get him to remove his clothes.

Now, before I proceed, I should fully admit that sometimes I like to play in a t-shirt or an unbuttoned Oxford, simply because I get so damned cold, so easily, particularly in frigid weather or in air conditioning. However, I at least give everyone free access to everything. And with this guy, I couldn’t even get into his pants. In his gray shirt and a pair of blue jeans faded past the point at which they should’ve been discarded, he looked less like one of my sex partners and more like a stray missionary who’d wandered in and fallen upon my bed in his funny Mormon underwear.

“I’m glad you came over,” I said, leaning in for a kiss. My fingers danced up his groin to his belt buckle, which I attempted to undo.

He turned his body and his head to avoid having my lips land on his. I felt a flash of anger at the rebuff. “I’ll do it,” he muttered. His own hands undid his zipper and hauled out his dick through the fly. He didn’t bother to pull out his nuts, so the only part of him on display was part of a stubby four-inch dick—which he’d described as nine inches on his Manhunt profile. It was mostly hard. He began to play with himself.

The guy hadn’t been unattractive on Manhunt. On the contrary, he had one of those appearances so plentiful in this state—vaguely round, vaguely middle-thirtyish, sporting a goatee that had probably been a fixture on his face since the mid-nineties. When he’d written me, it had been to say that he wanted to meet me so I could FUCK him and FUCK him GOOD and FUCK him full of my MANSEED. The capital letters were his.

And now, in my bed, he rebuffed every advance I’d make. If he wasn’t attracted to me, I wished he’d simply say so and leave. It might have been a sting, but in the end it would have been less frustrating and more honest. “So, do you want to get fucked?” I asked.

“You look Nordic,” he said. The expression on his face was frankly suspicious. “How tall are you?”

“I’m six-three,” I replied. “And I’m Scottish.”

“You’re very pale.” I simply stared at his comment. I am pale. “Are you an alien?”

For a moment I thought he was asking to see my birth certificate, or my passport, or something. Then I realized what he’d said. I also realized I’d lost my erection. “What?”

“You wouldn’t tell me if you were, would you?”

I sat up on my bed. “Why in the world are you asking if I’m an alien?”

“Because there’s a race of Nordic aliens living among us,” he said, looking quite hostile. “They pass for human, but they’re from distant stars. You have a strange accent.”

And this is the point where I thought to myself, Oh, fuck, I have to get this nutjob out of here. I reached for my shirt and casually slipped it on. “I don’t have an accent at all, really,” I said, as I slid off the bed and grabbed my shorts. “If I do, it’s just the remnants of a southern accent. The southern U.S.,” I added, in case he interpreted it as Southern Betelgeuse.

He wasn’t taking the hint. His head still rested on my pillow, and his hand cupped his little dick. “Are you sure you’re not an alien?”

I didn’t deign to answer the question. “Well listen,” I said. “I’ve got stuff to do, so. . . .”

“Jack me off.” I raised my eyebrows at his command. “Come on. Jack me off.”

“If we did anything,” I said, “I was going to fuck you.”

“I don’t get fucked, man.”

“In your email,” I said, losing my patience, “You said that you wanted me to FUCK you and FUCK you GOOD and fill you with MANSEED.” I made the capitalized words stand out.

“Jack me off this time and maybe I’ll let you fuck me next time.”

Oh, there was going to be no next time. I already knew that for sure. “I’ve got stuff to do,” I said.

He was hurt and angry as he stuffed his feet into his shoes. Luckily, since he’d refused to take off anything more, it didn’t take him long to dress. I remained stonily silent as I marched him down the stairs to the front door and unlocked it for him to exit.

It was right after I pulled the door open to admit the sounds of the neighborhood’s hot sunny afternoon activity that he turned and spoke again. His mouth opened to disgorge a lot of harsh syllables. It sounded as if Superman’s foe, Mister Mxyzptlk, was speaking in his native tongue. I merely raised my eyebrows when he was done. “You would’ve understood that if you’d been a Nordic alien,” he said, with a look of relief on his face.

“Yet if I were a Nordic alien,” I said slowly, with an unchanging expression, “would I betray to a mere human monkey that I had?”

He blinked rapidly as I shooed him out, pulled shut the screen, and locked it behind him. “Wait,” he said at last. “Does that mean. . . ?”

And that was the point at which I finally closed the front door and raced to open Manhunt so I could put the guy on my ignore list.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Hi-larious. And now I'm going back to masturbating to "Ice Cream Truck."

  3. It's a mitzvah to mess with the minds of the paranoid, and there's a special place in heaven for those quick-witted enough to do so. And for people who can literally make me laugh out loud before noon. Well done, Sir!

    (I'd pay good money to read HIS version of this encounter in whatever corner of the internet nordic-alien believers inhabit. You'll have to settle for praise *wink*)

    1. I love this response (since I thought the same thing!) and want to have your alien babies. No, not the nordic ones, since I'm from a different species. LOL!

  4. hahahahahahaha, i want to do that to someone.

  5. I'm laughing so loudly I may wake the neighbors.

    By the way, there's something I need to tell you about where I'm from. . . .

  6. Ok... That's just too weird for words....

    The aliens I've met NEVER looked like that.

  7. wow. that's pretty fuckin crazy.

  8. If you're an alien, can you please come abduct me and anal probe me?

  9. Robb,

    Everyone knows that Nordic Aliens have little dicks, a mere eighth the size of yours. In my part of Ohio, we call them NODIC Aliens and they are all bottoms. Also, they wear universal translators disguised as green ipods.


  10. OMG Robb, I literally about fell out of my chair at work reading this post. The thought of your interaction at the front door, even now is making me chuckle. I totally needed that, thanks!

    Aliens! Nordic ALIENS!! I friggin love it!!!

  11. WOW omg crazy. I don't get tho what your alien status has to do with his not wanting to give up his ass. Maybe he is from Arizona they are alien phobic there o wait that's only Mexican aliens not Nordic spacemen.

    Xox your Duchess

  12. Meeting a Nordic alien actually sounds pretty HOT, but hooking up with the delusional is just plain scary! Thanks for the story ... and the sexy details on you!!

  13. He's so out of touch that it seemed he's the alien!

    anonymous tony

  14. Perhaps in his Mancunt profile he stated the size of his cock in "Nordic-Alien inches".....that would explain it.

  15. In which case, you might want to consider changing your own profile to 19.125 Nordic-alien inches.

  16. oh thank god!
    i was beginning to think you had this too-perfect sex life - never any glitches or bumps in the road - just one hot encounter after the other -
    not like my life here in the real world at all...
    contrary to the nutjob's belief - this whole encounter makes you all the more human to me :)
    love your work mate!

  17. you should have asked him if he wanted to be anal probed.... LOL so funny....:)

  18. Wow. I guess crazy people get horny too, but his lying and "maybe next time"ing you was more than enough reason to kick him out.

    Just kidding. Crazy people need to fuck with other crazy people, not with the sane. Or so say all my Nordic alien friends.

  19. Who observed, "We mask our discomfort with laughter."? Vos Savant? Call me a prig, smarmy or humorless, as a number of these commenters might (at least inwardly).

    While written with characteristic quality and as much "central transparency" as the first person allows, this entry left me feeling disquieted -- not amused. Sorry, but an impulse to laugh never occurred. While I would scarcely blame you, Rob, for using your wit as reasonably-gentle self-defense, and while your frustration, anger and disappointment were indeed well managed, I feel sorry for both parties. Why? My sentiments RE Rob are clear enough. RE his failed trick: Paranoid schizophrenia, anyone? Drug psychosis? Bipolar episode? Yes, pity ourselves for having to deal with mutilated psyches (others, our own). But pity such delusional minds as MR 4" = 9", also. His mental health was no better than psychopath Tom's of last month, even as "4 = 9" was thankfully less prone to violence. Here, sensitivity's nobility -- which puts the "pride" in "gay" -- obligates, too. There are better opportunities to indulge one's anima (as Rob has surely not).

    Anonicus II

  20. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. But really...isn't the South another world anyway?

  21. The nuttiness wouldn't have bothered me as much as the other BS...not that I would have kept him around in spite of his nuttiness.

    My pathology, or gift depending on your point of view, is that I often blurt out whatever is on my mind without much in the way of self censorship. Yes, I frequently get into trouble because of this.

    As soon as "Mr. 9 inch" pulled out old stubby, I probably would have laughed...not because I'm a size queen (although big is good, particularly thick), but because his lie or self-delusion would have been too surreal for me to have contained myself.

    Then there's the "I don't get fucked man," after he had talked the talk. I've been there. I can understand if there's no chemistry when face to face, or someone changing their mind, but come on Sibyl.

    After talking with a guy for a while and him telling me about how much he wanted to be treated like a bitch, fucked rough, gaped, and bread, his other personality came out and he was a total top who NEVER got fucked. He actually came totally unhinged when I informed him what we had talked about. That was more of a time waster than anything else.


  22. I was neglectful, the past two days, and was so busy with house chores that I didn't get to answer my comments individually. I apologize! And so I won't spam up people's mailboxes, I'm going to do a couple of omnibus replies.

    @Fella: You and me both. I have a hard time watching that video because I don't know whether to be looking at the gyrating groins, the hot bodies, or the cute faces.

    @Dawn: I got sucked into about 20 minutes of browsing Nordic alien web sites after he left. It's a surprisingly large corner he lives in.

    @Sweet Tooth: I hope you mean you want to give a snappy retort, and not that you want to call them an alien!

    @Doc_Rob: I already knew that about you.

    @Teacher: Those weren't aliens you met. They were just blue from the light of the video screens in that dirty bookstore.

    @Raul: Pretty fucking crazy about sums it up!

    @luvs2: I was wondering when the first anal probe comment would show up!

  23. @Scott: I will have to defer to your superior knowledge of NODIC aliens, my friend. What do they call them in other corners of Ohio?

    @Buck: I am happy to translate my sexual frustrations into material for your laughter. At least that way the energy comes out positive, right?

    @Johnny: Maybe he was playing crazy so he could get out of my bed more quickly. But then again, wouldn't it just be easier to say, "I've gotta go?"

    @Ranter: I don't know. The non-Nordic aliens I've fucked were kind of dull. Plus they kept taking notes the entire time.

    @Anonymous Tony: You summed it up well. He was definitely from outer space.

    @RoswellTop: I did not take into account the conversion rate. Now get down and suck my nineteen-point-two-five incher.

    @Anonymous: Oh, my sex life is far from ideal encounter after ideal encounter. I usually put the bad ones—if I deign to write about them—under the 'department of bad encounters' section. Luckily most of the really bad encounters stall in the negotiations phase. That is, when we're still emailing or telephoning each other. If I get a weird, bad, or needy vibe from a guy, we won't be meeting.

    @Master D: You think he would've welcomed a probing from his new planetary masters!

  24. @Jnk: I am totally sure crazy people get horny too, but I wish they'd stay in their mothers' basements behind the computer screen where they belong. (Ouch, that sounded a little harsh.)

    @Anonicus II: Although I wrote the entry knowing that I was tuning it to a light brand of comedy, you're right. It wasn't funny, not at the time. In fact, it's a little scary when you realize the guy you've let into your house and bed and are stripped down in front of is a full-on nut job. I know that very, very well. I'm usually good at screening guys before meeting, but the fact that this one somehow slipped through disturbs me.

    @Writer: Yes, but it's a Designing Women world, not the world of Aliens.

    @Seph: I have seen enough five-inch eight-inchers that I won't even blink anymore. Sadly, I almost come to expect it. I'm bothered and even angered more by the guys who talk the talk before we meet, and then obviously have no intention of following through when we're naked. I don't misrepresent myself or what I'm interested in and will do, either online or in conversation; the men who have a huge disconnect between their clothed person and their naked, sexual self, never win my respect or attention.

  25. Ha ha ha ha! You're right! I did enjoy this entry.

    "Nordic aliens." LOL! Gotta remember to Google that one on the train today.

  26. Oh, Zaphod. FUCK me. FUCK me GOOD and full me with your ALIENSEED.

  27. WTEF?!? Quirky I can handle. Even a little crazy can be fun from time to time. That was batshit. And the idea of pulling a fast one with the “I don’t get fucked” BS, especially after seeing the Rob Monster and begging for it...unforgivable!