Sunday, May 22, 2011

Sunday Morning Questions: Haircut Edition

This next is the week in which I have to make a decision about my hair.

I've been having my hair cut by the same guy for the last dozen or so years—a former fuckbuddy (I know, what a shocker!) to whom I kept returning not only because he gave me a half-off fuckbuddy price, but because he knew what suited me and gave it to me despite what I asked for. It's solely because of him that I have been at peace with my hair for the last chunk of my life, instead of at odds with it.

My hair has been the bane of my existence for much of my life. I have my mother's baby book, which has collections of the snippings from my first five haircuts. The stuff inside those envelopes feels like the finest silk threads, between the fingers, and is so shockingly white that I find it impossible to believe I was ever that fair-headed. The color's darkened over the years, but my hair is still wispy and fine. It has a tendency not to be styled and to do whatever the hell it wants. It flops around crazily when I have sex.

In elementary school I was teased about it by squares and the elderly because it made me look like a girl. (Hey. In the nineteen-seventies, we all had Dorothy Hamill bobs.) In middle and high school, it was my shame because it was either too greasy, or just not stylish enough. As a young adult, I despaired every time I looked at it. Eventually, though, I made my peace with my hair, and my barber managed to cut it in a way that made me enjoy its floppiness. It might scare me when I wake up in the morning and find myself looking like a cross between a Bjork video and a mushroom cloud, but in general, it pleases me. I like the way it looks when I hook my sunglasses atop it, this time of year. I like the way it makes me appear like a lost member of ABBA, when it gets full.

Now that I'm moving away, though, I'm losing the one hair stylist who's ever made me happy with my hair. And I really am not looking forward to trying to find a new one in a strange place, where I have no friends to recommend anyone to me. So I'm thinking to myself, should I shave it?

I've put some thought into it. I'd probably buzz it down to about the length of my beard—which is not very long at all. Cutting it short would be a novelty for me; I've never done it before. It'd allow me to go to a new place with a new style and not have to worry about everyone I know teasing me about the big change—because I don't know anybody. It would be a style I could maintain myself if I had to, or easily get a barber to replicate if I didn't want to do it myself. The advantages would be expedience and ease.

Uncertainty is a big disadvantage. I could have one of those heads that just doesn't look good, buzzed. Or I could just dislike it. Of course, I could go through months of terrible haircuts if I don't buzz my head, too.

I don't know. Big decisions. Have you guys ever gone from long hair to very short? Would you recommend it? I know I have friends out there who will shrill No! Don't cut that hair!, but surely there are some who've made the leap and enjoyed it?

I'm babbling. Let's get onto this week's roundup of questions, courtesy of

Want to see how expectations and reality play out. What are you expecting in ease of getting your hands on guys, types of guys, whatever where you're moving to?

I am moving to an utterly strange part of the country where I don't know where anything is, where I have no friends or connections, where i have no network of fuck buddies, and where I will be busy trying to set up a house that's been split apart for a year.

In other words, I don't expect to get laid much.

What three words would you use to best describe your personality?

Thoughtful, considered, and stubborn.

How do you react if a guy has hemorrhoids? Is that a big turnoff? More generally, would you recommend that guys with hemorrhoids abstain from being fucked?

I assume by hemorrhoids—or piles, as they're more technically though even less pleasantly known in the plural—you mean the kind that are actively bleeding? Because I won't play with a guy who has an open wound. I would definitely recommend that the bottom not play in those circumstances, either.

I want to email a guy I knew as a friend briefly, 4 years ago, and try to re-establish a connection, but I'm afraid the email will be too out of the blue. Should I? I guess I'm asking, how would you respond if you got an email like that?

Did you part on good terms? If so, I'd probably welcome the email and would be happy to reconnect.

If you parted with bad feelings between you, or if things were muddled and confused or even angry, you may wish to reconsider. Many people, myself included, aren't willing to reconnect with a past they wish to—and thought they had—left behind. If this is the case, you may wish to tread carefully, attempt to make amends, and concede graciously if they ask you not to intrude in their tranquil present.

Sexual questions on Formspring, titillating or invasive? Hot or over the top?

I like them, generally—but most of the ones I get tend to be kind of rote ("How big is your dick?") or so vague that I kind of wonder about the sex lives of the people who ask them ("What was the best sex you've had?" . . . can anyone really narrow it down like that?).

There are some I simply won't answer, but I don't mind people having asked them.

When anonymous people ask ludicrous questions... do you answer or delete?

If the question has been asked in a sincere manner, no matter how ludicrous the question is, I'll generally answer.

However, there have been some individuals on Formspring who either make a career of crafting stupid, absurd questions, or who else aren't on their meds. I tend to block those people.

What's one lesson can you share with everyone that you abide by?

When I was learning to drive, my father gave me a piece of advice I feel is not only applicable to the road, but to life in general. He told me that although it was important to keep my eyes on what was immediately ahead in the world and to avoid the small obstacles, what really matter was keeping my eye on the direction the road took at the horizon, and to aim for that.

I think it was wise advice, and it's served me well.

Will you tell me about one aspect of your personality you think is unattractive?

I tend to be unforgiving of those whom I feel no longer deserve my friendship. It usually requires a lot of needling and bad behavior to take me to that point, but once someone pushes my buttons and I explode, nothing's growing in that scorched earth again.

Would you date outside your race?

Already have, many, many times.

Related question: all of you guys who answered my question about interracial dating said you would date outside your own race, question is now, why is there such a divide within the gay community?

I think the people to whom you should be addressing your question are the ones who said they'd never date outside their own race.

Not to be racist or anything, but be honest what race do you think is the ugliest? by not giving an answer you would just emphasize you being a hypocrite

You are being racist. I'm not giving you an answer because I don't find it a valid question at all. But you, sir, are the hypocrite. Not I.

Have you ever felted a dude?

Felted? You mean, like a pool table or a piano?

Do you prefer guys to cum on your face or in your mouth?

In my mouth. I'm not sure I understand the point of the facial, from a pleasure perspective.

Do you get annoyed when people confuse bottoming with subbing?

Probably not as much as bottoms or subs do, but it's a shame that people take words with distinct shades of meaning and use them generically.

I get more annoyed when people see that I'm a top and automatically assume that I am a nasty-talkin', cigar-smokin', boot-wearin' S.O.B. who likes to dominate and control his bottoms.


  1. When i was younger, i had my hair to the shoulder and i was tired of them and told my mom to cut it short and i loved it. Today i still wear it very short, buzzed at # 1 and loving it. During winter, i keep it a little longer but not much, just the top of my head and not the side. They say that when you cut your hair very short, it grow stronger and thicker, i don't know if that's true. Maybe you can try it once and see if you like that or not but at least you lried it. Take care my friend.


  2. As a swimmer I have twice gone from shaggy, longer hair to totally bald. Twice was enough to realize that my head looked friggin ugly bald. Once my hair has reached about 3 inched in length I looked OK with it spiked, but I much prefer the long, long hair I have now to any of that. To be honest, the buzzing process was kind of fun though. I had them buzz me a ton of goofy looks like a Mohawk and then just bangs. And as it fell it felt like a spider web going down my face. Still, I will not be doing it again any time soon.

    And you already know what I think about you buzzing your hair. I'll still love you, but I'll also tease you. (kidding)


  3. Get a flowbee. I love mine. Seriously. I know it's kind of a joke, but I haven't paid for a haircut in 12 years, and it's easy to use every few weeks.

    Yah, I keep the flowbee on the downlow, just like hooking up with guys. I'm not ashamed, but I just want some things to remain private.

    I guess it's no surprise I choose to post this as anonymous.

  4. The idea that you hair "flops around crazily" when having sex is hot, of course. Personally I like your hair (what I can see of it), but change can be good as well. As you say, to shave it might be disastrous...but it could also be extremely hot. it does depend on the shape of your skull. I began to go bald at 19...thankfully I have been blessed with a well shaped cranium, and I look better shaved than I ever did with bushy locks.
    I say go for it...its just hair. If you don't like it wear a baseball hat for awhile (which I am sure makes you look sexy and enticing). It'll grow back...and maybe you will like it better and you will look even more smoking hot than before (if thats possible)! ;)

  5. I would advise something that will leave your options more open:

    1) Go to your fFB one more time.
    2) Have him to the regular cut.
    3) Have him take pictures of the haircut from all sides. You might also have him write down what he does, should anything not be obvious from the pictures.

    Reasons-probably obvious: It will be fairly easy to get a buzz from anyone anywhere, but not so easy to replicate your current preferred haircut should you decide at a future date that you want to return to it. The pictures will help a new hair dresser "get it right" without months of trial and error.

    I say, "if it ain't broke don't fix it." Besides, IMHO buzz cuts look good on VERY few people.

  6. Yves,

    You've got the head shape for a short cut. It looks good on you.

  7. Ace,

    I think you look better with long hair. It's lovely hair. Besides, I always tell young people that they'll have plenty of time to have no hair, later in life.

    I know you're in the Keep your dirty hands off that hair! camp.

  8. Anonymous,

    I totally understand. I will be discreet about your Flowbee.

    Actually, I have a friend who has and uses a Flowbee and swears by it. So I will not be one of the scoffers.

  9. Thom,

    Yeah, it'll always grow back. I HOPE. I like your well-reasoned response; that's the way I look at it when I'm on the pro-cut days.

  10. Ojo,

    You actually have a good point there in trying to preserve the haircut I have, when moving. I'm worried that my stylist is a bit of an ass and would try to say that no one could replicate his genius, though, and balk at giving me any specifics. He's like that.

  11. Re: your response to Ojo:

    That sucks that your stylist would do that. Most are more than happy to help their clients replicate the style. You should ask anyway.

    And if he does let you take pictures, it'll make sure you "keep your dirty hands off the hair". Bwahahahaha!


  12. Ah, Mr. Steed. Apart from the demands of setting up house and rejoining your family -- and I know those demands will be considerable -- you will discover that you have many friends here already. Maybe not as close by as you're used to at first, but once guys know you're in the area you'll have plenty of opportunities for making new friends, buddies, playmates. I, for one, can't wait to welcome you to my neck of the woods.

    As to the hair. I have highly independent hair too, with a spectrum of misbehavior different from yours but a continuing source of dissatisfaction and sudden drastic corrections. I've more than once gone from long (shoulder length) and medium-long hair to buzzed, crew-cut or flat-topped, often at my own hand with trusty Wahl clippers. Sometimes the results have been unfortunate, sometimes quite acceptable. The one thing you can count on is that it grows back, so any rash choices are eventually rectified. I do know a very skilled guy in Norwalk I'd recommend for your hair cutting needs once you're here.

  13. I say buzz it off. When my hair started thinning I went that route and after years of fly-away hair it was incredibly liberating. Know you'll look great but if you find you miss your longer hair, (as previously pointed out), it will always grow back.

  14. RedPhillip,

    I'd love your Norwalk suggestion. Any excuse to go near Stew Leonard's.

  15. Jeffny456,

    I find advice like that sooooo tempting.

  16. Around '89 - '93, my blonde hair was shoulder length. Unless my hair is long, it sticks out like a hedgehog. Daily, I'd wake up to it stuck in my facial stubble just like Velcro...often with a hickey, rug burns, and/or my undies in inside out.

    Beginning the day involved much de-snarling and combing. One day I was on campus and some dude shouted at me, "Hey Kurt." Indeed, I probably did look like him. Actually my sister commented that some guy on MTV looked like me.

    Anyway, after Mr. Hey Kurt, as soon as I got home, I shaved my head and pierced my nose. Just call me impulsive.

    Whatever you do, it will grow back. Get naked with the one you lust, have them break out the clippers, and get on your knees. The touch, the sound and feel of the buzzing is fucking erotic. lesson I can share is that my mom taught me to always look on the floor in bars, as drunk people often drop money. Sage woman...and that lesson has bought me many drinks.

    PPS...facials are both pleasurable and fucking hot...and guys who reach for the washcloth are ridiculous. I'll then wipe it off my face with my fingers and lick them...or lap it off their face. Snowballing is then optional. Guys who identify as str8 tend not to be into the snowball thing...or kissing generally...but I think they get a unique thrill jizzing a dude's face.

    Once I left a guy's house with it still all over my face, and then proceeded to do the wipe/lick thing as I was walking down the sidewalk...without regard to passersby.


  17. Rob,

    Re your father's advice: my Dad taught me to watch the tail lights of the car TWO cars in front of me, just in case the idiot in front of me did not notice that driver slamming on his brakes. This rule has saved my ass many times over the years. Although I have tried to teach my lover of 29 years to observe this maxim, he refuses to do so. It drives me crazy and I am frequently "hitting the brakes" when I am a passenger with him.

  18. "I get more annoyed when people see that I'm a top and automatically assume that I am a nasty-talkin', cigar-smokin', boot-wearin' S.O.B. who likes to dominate and control his bottoms."

    ...but... but... all my hopes and illusions, dashed against the uncaring rocks of reality.

    On another note: If you ever plan to just buzz it all off, you couldn't find a better era to do it. As long as you don't have a Conehead shaped noggin, or have eldritch markings on your scalp, it's very hard for a guy to not look good with a buzzcut. I might also have to point out that this is completely the opinion of a guy who thinks believes in less is more so... well... you know. YMMV.

  19. See the rub. A well-formed head's part of what makes buzz cuts work. Other part's good features. Seems to be a consensus you have those.

    Any way you could photoshop your pic or get someone to? At least you'd have an idea.

    Thing is, it's common to first hate a big change you can end up loving. No more comfort zone.

    I go with the Try It camp, as long as your hair's thick enough. Thick and fine are different, no?

  20. personally I love longer hair on a man but buzz cuts can be hot too. Whatever you decide upon you'll still be sexy as hell. How do I know? Because I've never seen your hair but you are one of the sexiest men I've had the pleasure of reading about. You shine from the inside. The rest is merely window dressing.


  21. There is an episode of 'Married with Children' that deals with Al Bundy needing to find a new barber after his old one died. The neighbor tells him to look for guys with a nice haircut he likes and ask where they got it cut.

    You could try that in your new city. And talking about hair with a stranger and using a sentence like "It flops around crazily when I have sex" could help find you a new barber and a new special friend (wink wink).

  22. Just to say thank you man for your comments my friend. You're always kind to me and i appreciate it and comming from you, now i know that i'm doing the right thing. People ask me to let it grow longer because it doesn't suit me, now i know that they are wrong. Thank you again man


  23. Seph,

    At my hair's nadir, I got mistaken (seriously) for John Tesh. Shudder.

    Straight guys DO like facials. What's up with that?

  24. Rahinpa,

    It kind of drives me crazy when I'm driving with someone who won't look any further than the car in front of him. Like, if I'm driving with someone who should see that there's a bus in the right lane, his lane, a hundred feet in front, you'd think he'd know to get over because in the city, there's a very large likelihood that the bus is going to stop at some point. And that he's going to be sitting there growling, when he could've gotten over at a hundred points before.

    But no.

  25. Daryl,

    Sorry, my man. I'm still a good top, though.

    And you're right. Historically, it is a good time to experiment, since a buzz is popular. Another reason in its favor.

  26. 4:43 Anonymous,

    I don't know! I assume I would have enough hair to carry it off! What if I don't?!

    Most of my good features are below the waist.

  27. I used to have shoulder length hair. one day after driving with the windows down my hair just went crazy so on impulse i had it buzzed. I've never gone back. Its so freeing now having to worry about what my hair looks like. I dont even own a comb or brush anymore. i get out of the shower, towel it dry and i'm good to go.

    You should buzz it. you'll see how much you wont miss your longer hair.

  28. T.,

    I seriously have a crush on you, now. I don't know who you are or what you look like, but you're my official boyfriend, this week, because of that sweet thing you said.

  29. Cyberi4a,

    I have my bouts of being outgoing, but I'm not that outgoing. :)

  30. Chris,

    Oh, I think there will be times I miss it.

    However, you're right. One of them will not be when I drive with the windows down and then look afterward like a monsoon victim.

  31. Rob, did you remove the recent Spencer posts? Went to re-read and they'd disappeared.

  32. 9:58 Anonymous,

    Yes, I did. It's a shame that when I post something honest and even vulnerable, the instinct of some people is to pounce, ravage, and go for the jugular. Though the vast majority of my readers were kind and supportive to those posts, the continuing comments I was getting after the initial couple of days after I'd posted them were nasty. I mean, just plain nasty. So I removed the posts.

    It's a shame I had to do it, but I have enough things to get worked up about the next couple of weeks, without those added irritations.

  33. I'm sorry to hear that, they were touching and beautiful posts. Personally I love to read everything you write, especially when you are at your most vulnerable. I only hope you won't be deterred from writing from the heart in future. I hope the parting and the move are not too difficult for you.

  34. What if your hair is too fine AND thin? Photoshop could help with that, too. Is your gut trying to tell you that the other extreme's no better? Maybe just a lot shorter before going all the way to buzz? Maybe a couple stages, not all at once?

    People do call you handsome. You like your eyes. Your nose, cheekbones are fine. I know. Even if a buzz cut's not ideal, you've got the goods. It wouldn't be awful. Just not ideal, worst case. So? If you had to grow it back, you could "train" the hair. Using the best conditioner, adding a little gel, letting gel dry and combing out again sure help. Had fine hair all my life. Been there. (Ever try Infusium 23 shampoo, conditioner for fine hair? Mass market, but damn good.)

    Attendant at the baths called you handsome when your long hair was messy. Who would see short thin & neat as worse? Bath staff see it all. Like bartenders. We can respect their take. Just need to interpret it right.

    Always tradeoffs. Even if short hair doesn't feel as pretty all day long, it may look better waking up than rainy dandelion fluff. Nice to look no worse than you must after sleepovers, etc.

    You do take risks. How does maybe 1 (2?) imperfect cut compare?

    Oh yeah. People don't like your package just for size. It's the power too. And what about the head on top? They always say you write well. Takes brains, no? Can't smart be sexy?

    Self confidence is sexy too. Show that with even a haircut you don't like and see what happens. I mean confidence not attitude. You know the difference.


  35. As my hairline receded, I realized I was having to be "careful" about how the front looked. Like my Dad. Oh, No! The clippers came out. I went short and then shorter over about two months to assess my skull. I finally took it all off. It was the most liberating thing I have ever done. I love it--and over night I moved from aging ingénue to Hot Daddy. My hits on every hook up site sky rocketed....

  36. Well, I don't mind being open about my Flowbee dependence. Yes, it seems like the punch line of a late 80s joke, but the darn thing works so well!

    I'm one of those guys who's always hated hair cuts but has to keep his hair under control or the curls all turn into a white-dude Afro. 15 minutes of Flowbee-ing every three weeks keeps me sharp looking, as opposed to my pre-Flowbee quarterly haircuts which were more like topiary hedge clippings.

  37. I'm definitely happier with much shorter hair than I've ever had, but that doesn't work for everyone.

    Sorry to hear you needed to take the Spencer posts down; I thought they were lovely.

    "Felted" -- OMG, I laughed so hard.


  38. 9:58 Anonymous,

    I thought they were valuable posts in the sense that they gave a really round sense to the relationship, warts and all, and I thought the follow-up was a sweet indication of the ways we try to make things up to each other, without saying the words directly. But despite that, I had readers writing in to call me a 'crazy bitch' and ordering me to stop 'sounding like a fucking lunatic,' and I had commenters posting the most vile things about how I had it coming and they were glad to see me suffer.

    The experience left a sour taste in my mouth. It won't keep me from writing such journal entries in the future, but it sure as hell might keep me from posting them here.

  39. 4:43,

    That last paragraph alone is the most persuasive argument I've heard for getting shorn. Thank you.

  40. FelchingPisser,

    I've never known you with hair. You look good as-is!

  41. Buddy,

    Do you look like Bob Ross?

  42. M.B.,

    Did the questioner mean feltched? I have learned never to assume.

    Yeah, I'm sorry about the Spencer posts, too. I don't really understand why emotional honesty brings out the vultures. Caving in and removing the posts seems to be letting them win on one level, but the continued stream of vileness after the supportive comments trailed off was also allowing them to score easy victories.

    I confess I was also pissed off that people who'd never read any previous posts about Spencer were all of a sudden experts on my relationship with him, both in the post and via email.

  43. Lol. Alas, wrong gender. Sigh.


  44. T.,

    I apologize. I knew that. You can definitely be my official girlfriend!

  45. It's a shame you had to to remove the most recent Spencer posts. A real shame. I don't even want to undestand what satisfaction people get out of spewing ugliness, since you've been nothing but brave, truthful, and supportive to all of us on here.

    On another note, I think it's HIlarious that a post about cutting your hair gets 40+ comments. My two bits: don't cut it!


  46. BZ,

    It's cuh-razy how many comments a freakin' meandering about my hair has gotten. I expected three passionate entreaties to do it, one post from Ace telling me not to, and a lot of indifference.But jeez.

    I'm also upset at having to removing the Spencer posts. I'm glad to hear the feedback. I was wondering if anyone had actually noticed, for several days.

  47. At this point, I'm totally curious if you cut your hair back then or not!! It is crazy that garnered the most attention. I mean, c'mon, the driving thing gets me! :-P My dad, the engineer, taught me how to keep the car in the lane and not to look simply close ahead, but further up the road to see how it led.
    I never saw the removed Spencer posts, but wish I had. I also wish the villains who spewed vitriol a vicious vivisection! Sorry for the bout of alliteration.
    My hair was/is too coarse to behave. I even tried a perm at one point! Now, buzz is how I roll.
    Any pics of you in a buzz cut?