Sunday, May 8, 2011

Sunday Morning Questions: Stalker Edition

There used to be a group in the area—I know they still exist elsewhere—in which a bunch of gay guys would agree to meet at a straight bar for a night of revelry. No one would know the bar's location until the very last minute, and then they'd swoop down and take over for the night. Guerilla gay bar, it's called.

Well, I was out with friends last night and had the tables turned. A party bus stopped in front of my usual Saturday-night haunt and belched out dozens of straight couples, who proceeded to come in and take over the place. They whooped and hollered and wore sequined cowboy hats and scarves around their heads (the men and women alike), and generally took over so much of the bar that the regulars were all pushed into the back, where it was less crowded and the noise wasn't so oppressive.

It was well after eleven, and in these cramped quarters, when a guy walked up to me. A total stranger. I could tell by his heavy eyelids and his slightly unsteady gait that he'd had a couple of drinks. Even if I hadn't noticed those details, the fact that he walked right up and stood right next to me, so that his face was approximately six inches from mine. A little too close for comfort, in other words. He stared at me, and worked his lips to speak.

The six or seven people with whom I was sitting at the moment all turned to look at the guy, too—just in time for when his lips finally parted and he spat out, in the too-loud volume of the inebriated, "I just wanted to tell you that I'm not stalking YOUR MANHUNT PROFILE."

Honestly. To my ears, that's the way it sounded. The only thing that would've made it worse was if a sudden hush had fallen across the bar at that exact moment.

Now, I'm not ashamed of having a Manhunt profile. I'm not ashamed of what's in it. What I am unused to, however, is strangers in bars shouting about it in public. I raised my eyebrows. "I'm really not STALKING YOU ON MANHUNT," he said. "I just keep opening your profile because your main profile photo DOESN'T HAVE YOUR FACE—heh-heh-heh!—and then I see your face and I'm like, oh yeah, that's who it is, because you've got it all out there, you've REALLY GOT IT ALL OUT THERE. ON MANHUNT." He took a swig from his drink. "But I'm not STALKING YOU THERE or anything, just so you know. I just want to reassure you, I'm NOT STALKING YOU ON MANHUNT."

And all I could really think at that moment was, What the fuck?  Because up until then, I didn't think that anyone was stalking me on Manhunt. After that confession, I was pretty sure someone was. And what in the world is one supposed to say to that kind of thing? Laughing it off and telling the guy it was totally fine to keep stalking me on Manhunt was beyond me.

"Yeah," I finally said, stunned, but knowing I had to say something. "That's really a great opener. You should keep that."

It was apparently enough of a rebuff, or at least a reminder of what the guy might have sounded like to someone sober, that it caused him to retreat, red-faced, to another table. He avoided me for the rest of the night. Then I went home and pored through my track list, trying to find traces of stalking.

Fun evening!

Today's questions are rounded up from my responses. Pop on over to the service and ask me what you'd like, anonymously.

Why did Earl wear a wedding ring? I think I remember reading that in the first Earl entry. Were there ever times when he'd be fucking you and Topher-the other kid at the same time?

Earl wore a wedding ring because of his relationship with his partner Jim. I don't think they had an actual commitment ceremony (or if they did, it was before I knew them), but Earl did go out and buy some big ol' matching rings for the both of them.

Topher and I never saw each other at Earl's place except at a few parties. There were times that Earl fucked us both at those, but the parties could be pretty much a free-for-all when it came to screwing.

Knowing that I find a wide variety of men's bodies to be attractive, I'd like it if you would describe a couple of your features that you think I would find nice to look at (not your dick, and not just "My face is ok.")

I get a lot of compliments on my hands, which are lengthy, long-fingered, and narrow. One of my readers once commented that he wanted to watch me eat French fries with my fingers. I charge good money for my French fry action, though.

I also have nice eyes.

Do you like your hair? What would you change about it if you could easily do it?

My hair is a dark blond and very fine in texture. Too fine, if you ask me—it has a tendency to do what it wants regardless of styling product. And what it usually wants is to part itself down the middle, like some seventies teen idol.

I've hated my hair for most of my life. It was either messy, or too long, or badly styled. When everyone else had big New Kids on the Block hair, mine was flat and longish; when everyone got Caesar cuts in the nineties, it seemed out of date and hopeless. When guys shaved their heads close in the new millennium, I was the only one with hair, and a lot of it.

But then I kind of found out that other guys really liked it, sometimes. And as I grew older and more at peace with myself, I found I liked it too. Still, I keep threatening to shave it all off.

My last haircut was in December. I missed my January cut and keep putting off rescheduling.

Have you ever had sex with someone related to you?

I've kind of covered this before, but yes.

What's your experience with words that work in things like CL posts? Not words that are poetic, but words that get responses.

I'm not really a fan of Craigslist, at least in my area. I tend to get more signs of intelligent life when I visit other cities and use it, however.

'Top' always gets responses, but I have noticed that certain other keywords get a reaction, too. If I describe myself as a 'dad', I always get a slew of young guys who want to work on some daddy dick. If I use a phrase like 'your mancunt', I'll get a lot of guys who are very submissive.

I'd suggest being blunt and describing what you want without being coy—but don't go overboard. A few choice words will usually get guys sending you responses, even though the vast majority here in the midwest will be from guys who apparently never read anything you wrote anyway.

What can your partner (or best friend) say that really annoys you most?

"What do you mean, I'm loading the dishwasher wrong?"

Gets me every time. I've only explained it about a kerjillion times now.

when you bottomed, what's the biggest dick that you ever took?

It was about eleven inches, and was one of the last dicks I bottomed for before beginning the transition to topping.

favorite song at the moment??

Duran Duran and Ana Matronic, "Safe."

Bears are _____________ (insert adjective here)

Encouraged to sit on my dick.

When you smile, do you consciously try to control your face in any way? (Like not show teeth, or any other consideration?)

I consciously try to show as many teeth as possible, so that no one notices my thin lips.

How much of the advantage had by guys looking to top stems from ED on the part of the guys who wind up bottoming?

I'm not sure what you mean by ED. Erectile Dysfunction? Because the huge majority of the bottoms I've fucked have been rock hard during the act.

I don't know that either part has an 'advantage' during sex. It takes two people to copulate. When the act is going on, one's got to be a top. The other's got to bottom. Each has its advantages and disadvantages but neither is more privileged than the other—they're simply two halves to an equation. Without one of them, the other person is simply a masturbator.

would you be willing to relocate for the person you really care for?

I think the fact I'm trying to sell my house and move across the country for someone's happiness should answer that question.

Rob: not to get too granular or anything, but have you done any fucking in les Grosses? Farms, Shores, etc?

I've fucked in all the Grosses. Except maybe Ile.

Haven't been in Detroit in years, but I can't imagine what it looks like as a place that lost 1 out of 4 residents in last ten years. Do you see depopulation everywhere? Or is it concentrated in some areas?

The urban area known as Detroit is a large collection of suburban cities spread across three counties, surrounding the actual city of Detroit. It's the actual city that's experienced depopulation. While a lot of those leaving have indeed abandoned the state, most have simply moved into the suburbs, for their better schools and lower crime rates; the state only lost 0.6% of its population in the same period.

There are sections with in the Detroit city limits that are fairly abandoned, and have been proposed to be converted to farmland or other public-use property. Most of these areas are in neighborhoods, and not necessarily in the downtown area, which can be bustling and friendly and quite safe.


  1. I too enjoy checking out you manhunt profile, but not because I forget what u look like and have to remind myself, butt because, to me, you are an extremely sexy dude and a hot "total package" ;) (yeah, I get a major boner for guys in glasses, i.e., smart studs)

  2. Aw, Thom, if you're going to compliment me like that, you can stalk all you want. Thanks!

  3. [...]the vast majority here in the midwest will be from guys who apparently never read anything you wrote anyway.

    This phenomena is not limited to the midwest, nor to CraigsList. Here in Connecticut I've encountered responders to my various personals profiles/CL posts who clearly didn't read, or didn't comprehend, what was provided therein. The only trend I've identified in my area is that non-readers are slightly more likely to be younger than older. I now routinely check that someone hitting me up has actually read my profile.

  4. RedPhillip,

    I've been to a few cities in which Craigslist wasn't quite the exercise in futility it is where I currently live; I can't say that everyone read my ad thoroughly, but they seemed better about following simple directions and not replying with totally irrelevant responses.

    And then I've been to places where the signal-to-noise ratio is just as high, and it makes me despair for the future of humanity.

  5. cum to think of it...I have never seen your manhunt profile (butt would like to!)---I was thinking of your adam4adam...oopsie ;)

  6. And your BBRT profile makes me feel funny in my pants...

  7. Ingulphus,

    I'm all for that. Unless you mean it makes you want to poop.

  8. NARF! Nope, it get's my Cowper's fluid flowing in a copius manner. I was reviewing your X-Tube content, and wishing each video was longer, with surround sound, Smell-O-Vision, Emergo and Percepto (I'm a big William Castle fan). After all, as Pisanus Fraxus (a noted Victorian collector of choice curiosa) put it, "A dirty mind is a continuous feast". To which Mame retorted, "And most poor suckers are starving to death!"

  9. so many are omnipresent eh ;)

  10. Good Mr. Steed, despair for the future is pretty much my default setting.

  11. Ingulphus,

    I'm glad you enjoyed. And that Victorian talk just makes me hot in the loins.

  12. RedPhillip,

    Too often it's mine, too.

  13. When asked, I think a lot of people would say they don't like their hair. I always wished mine had some curl or wave to it. As it stands, it's thick and grows fast. Boo hoo right? It's also totally straight, which means if I don't get it cut every 2 weeks I turn into a porcupine, and humidity is evil. Maybe I should just embrace my inner Prince Harry...hell...I've been known to get drunk in public and lick some dude's nipple.

    CL wording: being direct is always a good thing. Ads that are looking for "hot fun" or are "in the metro" are pointless...and ubiquitous. I tend to be blunt in daily life and downright crass in my ads. They get a lot of attention. But yes, the finer points, like "describe yourself and what you're up for" tend to get overlooked...and zero response on my part.